Last Minute Invitation - What do you think?

[wehavesix]

It's okay to tell your son no. He'll get over it. Heck, he was probably over it 20 minutes after you told him no and I doubt he thinks you are a bad guy. You could be in my shoes. I had to break the news to my 14 year old son that he's going to have to stay with his Granny while we go to WDW in 2 weeks. I told all my kids at the beginning of the school year that they had to have good grades to go on the January trip. He didn't make the grades so he can't afford to miss a week of school. He's not too happy but he needs to learn that's the way life works.

 

[EMom]

Why are parents so afraid to say no? I don't get this, I'm sure the kid has the chance to go to plenty of other parties. OP's son will be disappointed, but he'll get over it. Kids hatch plans all the time for playdates and sleepovers, get excited about them, then get told no.

They're not afraid to say no. But that doesn't mean they appreciate being put in a situation which could have been easily avoided if the birthday parent had used a lick of sense or an ounce of common courtesy. I've had to say no under such circumstances. I've also had to explain to DD what "putting someone in an awkward position" is and why we should strive to avoid doing it if at all possible. I've pointed out that it often leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. And yes, I've explained to her why I do not appreciate being put in such situations.

The reason rules are in place for such situations is so these fubars can be avoided. The rules were not invented for fun's sake. They were largely invented for practicality's sake and to avoid such misunderstandings, hurt feelings, blow-ups, etc. When people ignore simple rules of etiquette, THIS is exactly what happens. If birthday mom had simply acted in accordance with the rules, there would be no need for the OP's post. Or, if she'd just acted with a grain of common sense, that would have sufficed. But her book collection is missing a volume of Emily Post and she must not have the directional sense to locate a bookstore.

OP, I get your point. I am sorry your child was hurt by the rudeness and inconsideration of the mother in question. This isn't so much about your child's feelings being hurt as it is about them being hurt NEEDLESSLY.

 

[allison443]

Why are parents so afraid to say no? I don't get this, I'm sure the kid has the chance to go to plenty of other parties. OP's son will be disappointed, but he'll get over it. Kids hatch plans all the time for playdates and sleepovers, get excited about them, then get told no.

I agree, OP said her kid had never mentioned this kid before and OP didn't even know who he was. So I don't think she should feel so bad about not being able to get her son there. Maybe the other mom felt like, we have an open spot, if you can come great, if not, no big deal.
I mean, does every kid go to every bday party they're invited to? The child was upset he couldn't go because his parents had other plans. I know my own kids have had to miss things because of other plans. They all get over it eventually

 

[allison443]

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that if a kid gets a party invitation....even if it's at the dead last minute.....they're probably going to get excited and want to go. And oh goody, to get to be the mom who gets to say, "No can do." What fun! All thanks to another mom who didn't pause the think about the consequences of her, "Who can we invite to fill in that last spot so it doesn't go to waste?' invitation. Nope, it was all about her and her kid's party. Typical.

My kids usually get the invitations from other kids...the parents don't check with the other parents first to see if it's okay to invite them. Sometimes they are excited, but then we then realize that my kids can't make the parties because of my plans or other commitments, or the logistics don't work out. But does that make me a "bad guy". No, it is just reality. At 10, kids understand that. Haven't you ever had to say no to a kids party invitation even if you were invited well ahead of time?
I get that it was last minute, but wasn't it also possible that OP might have had no plans, and would have been happy for her son to go to the bowling party? I don't see the harm in asking.

 

[bluesaturn]

They're not afraid to say no. But that doesn't mean they appreciate being put in a situation which could have been easily avoided if the birthday parent had used a lick of sense or an ounce of common courtesy. I've had to say no under such circumstances. I've also had to explain to DD what "putting someone in an awkward position" is and why we should strive to avoid doing it if at all possible. I've pointed out that it often leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. And yes, I've explained to her why I do not appreciate being put in such situations.

The reason rules are in place for such situations is so these fubars can be avoided. The rules were not invented for fun's sake. They were largely invented for practicality's sake and to avoid such misunderstandings, hurt feelings, blow-ups, etc. When people ignore simple rules of etiquette, THIS is exactly what happens. If birthday mom had simply acted in accordance with the rules, there would be no need for the OP's post. Or, if she'd just acted with a grain of common sense, that would have sufficed. But her book collection is missing a volume of Emily Post and she must not have the directional sense to locate a bookstore.

OP, I get your point. I am sorry your child was hurt by the rudeness and inconsideration of the mother in question. This isn't so much about your child's feelings being hurt as it is about them being hurt NEEDLESSLY.

Sorry, this still doesn't seem like such a huge faux pas. Don't invitations normally go directly to the child half the time anyway. Would the mother just never tell the child he was invited to the party to save hurting his feelings? That seems worse to me, just hiding the entire thing from your child so you won't have to say no.

On the other hand, I think it is incredibly rude to tell someone they were on the B list. Even if they were, there is no need to blatantly tell them that.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree, OP said her kid had never mentioned this kid before and OP didn't even know who he was. So I don't think she should feel so bad about not being able to get her son there. Maybe the other mom felt like, we have an open spot, if you can come great, if not, no big deal.
I mean, does every kid go to every bday party they're invited to? The child was upset he couldn't go because his parents had other plans. I know my own kids have had to miss things because of other plans. They all get over it eventually

I agree - so the kid doesn't get to go to (yet another) bowling party that he knew about for all of 3 minutes. As a parent, I'd be thrilled to have an excuse not to drive 25 minutes, to sit at a bowling party (I loathe them - and hosted one yesterday!). My dd7 wants a CEC party, and I refuse, because at her age, I like close parties, so the kids can get dropped off if the parents don't want to stay, and CEC is 15 minutes away.

 

[PatsGirl]

It's okay to tell your son no. He'll get over it. Heck, he was probably over it 20 minutes after you told him no and I doubt he thinks you are a bad guy. You could be in my shoes. I had to break the news to my 14 year old son that he's going to have to stay with his Granny while we go to WDW in 2 weeks. I told all my kids at the beginning of the school year that they had to have good grades to go on the January trip. He didn't make the grades so he can't afford to miss a week of school. He's not too happy but he needs to learn that's the way life works.

I had to do this with DS at the same age too and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns, not many would. I know this based on the amount of flack I got from family and friends for not changing my mind or giving him yet another chance Or better yet, changing my vacation dates to school vacation which is a big NO-NO for me, save your flames

In fact, DS never managed to go on an extended vacation with us again until his senior year when his choice of graduation gifts was a one-week trip to Universal He just never understood the significance of doing your best in school and maintaining grades that would allow him to miss 4-6 days. So far so good with DD but she's just in 6th grade so...

 

[EMom]

Sorry, this still doesn't seem like such a huge faux pas. Don't invitations normally go directly to the child half the time anyway. Would the mother just never tell the child he was invited to the party to save hurting his feelings? That seems worse to me, just hiding the entire thing from your child so you won't have to say no.

On the other hand, I think it is incredibly rude to tell someone they were on the B list. Even if they were, there is no need to blatantly tell them that.

There's a big difference, IMHO, between sending invitations home directly with the child a week or two ahead of time and issuing an obvious last minute/last choice invitation to the child when anyone with a brain in their head would have had a clue it might have been a PITA for the parents to get the kid to the party on such short notice.

Yes, most invitations DO go straight to the kids at school these days. NORMAL invitations in which the whole bunch is handed out at once.....You know, the A-listers. Those are the sort that give a parent time to think, plan, adjust if need be. And maybe they still have to say "no." So be it. But when you've exhausted your A-list, are digging down to your B-list and have waited until the DAY BEFORE the party, then it's just polite to check and see if inviting someone's kid at the last minute is going to put them in a bad position.

My guess is, party mom knew she was committing a big faux pas by inviting someone a mere day before the party as an obvious second/third/fourth choice seat-filler and she felt uncomfortable speaking to the OP. So much easier to go straight to a child who is unaware of your tackiness and is instead happy to be invited even if it's not because he's really WANTED as a guest but rather is invited because you've paid for X number of kids and one way or another you're going to get every penny's worth of the money you've spent on that party. (Yes, I am JUST that suspicious when someone acts as inconsiderately as the party mom.)

I say it's fine to send an invitation directly to a child when it's a REGULAR invitation. But if it's a last minute thing, you should use a bit of consideration and realize the family might already have plans. Instead of worrying about whether YOUR party will have the maximum number of guests allowed and not ONE LESS, think of the child's feelings for 5 seconds and take the time to make certain that child can actually attend before you issue the last minute invitation, thus setting the kid up for unnecessary disappointment.

But you see, THAT would have meant party mom would have had to think about someone OTHER than her kid and herself. In the OP's scenario, the entire situation could have been avoided by a simple short phone call. But my money is on the fact that bithday mom didn't want to call the OP because she knew just how tacky it was to invite a kid at the last minute, and she didn't want to talk to the mother of the obvious B-lister, who would (unless she's dumb as a box of rocks) realize her child was the last minute replacement for a child they'd REALLY wanted to have at the party.

Honestly, I don't think I'd even want my child to go, simply because I'd be so insulted that they were just an OBVIOUS seat-filler. Treating a kid like leftovers isn't cool.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

My DS8 (9 tomorrow) pulled one on me Friday in the carpool line. After two weeks of him saying he didn't want to do anything with friends for his birthday, he decides that he wants to take 3 kids bowling. At first I balked, and said "no" too late. Then I said, what the heck, and threw together an impromptu party for 5 kids, whoever could show up..great. It just so happened that all the parents were super super cool about the last minute thing and were glad to get their kiddos something to do on Saturday. So I threw together a small birthday party for 5 with bowling, pizza, cupcakes and even some goodiebags with stuff I had stashed in the attic-all in 24 hours. It turned out great, no time to stress out about anything!

So from now on I am going to be very forgiving of last minute invites..as long as we can make it we will!

I did call the parents before mentioning it to the kids. I wanted to find the best time and day for everyone. I don't like it when my kids are asked to do something before me knowing, but it's usually by another kid, so I can forgive that.

 

[mjkacmom]

I say it's fine to send an invitation directly to a child when it's a REGULAR invitation. But if it's a last minute thing, you should use a bit of consideration and realize the family might already have plans. Instead of worrying about whether YOUR party will have the maximum number of guests allowed and not ONE LESS, think of the child's feelings for 5 seconds and take the time to make certain that child can actually attend before you issue the last minute invitation, thus setting the kid up for unnecessary disappointment.

.

I think a 10 year old could deal with the disappointment of missing a birthday party, especially since it's not one of his close friends, and he wasn't planning on attending. Although I think it's weird that the mom is admitting to a B list, she probably suspected that since it was last minute, there was a good chance the OP's ds wouldn't be able to attend, but decided to ask anyway.

If dd10 got a last minute invite, and we couldn't make it, I can't imagine he'd be upset with me - I'd be upset with him if he did! There are plenty of times when he gets calls, from his good friends, asking if he wants to do something that day, and he can't. No biggie - he's 10, not 2.

 

[EMom]

My DS8 (9 tomorrow) pulled one on me Friday in the carpool line. After two weeks of him saying he didn't want to do anything with friends for his birthday, he decides that he wants to take 3 kids bowling. At first I balked, and said "no" too late. Then I said, what the heck, and threw together an impromptu party for 5 kids, whoever could show up..great. It just so happened that all the parents were super super cool about the last minute thing and were glad to get their kiddos something to do on Saturday. So I threw together a small birthday party for 5 with bowling, pizza, cupcakes and even some goodiebags with stuff I had stashed in the attic-all in 24 hours. It turned out great, no time to stress out about anything!

So from now on I am going to be very forgiving of last minute invites..as long as we can make it we will!

I did call the parents before mentioning it to the kids. I wanted to find the best time and day for everyone. I don't like it when my kids are asked to do something before me knowing, but it's usually by another kid, so I can forgive that.

HUGE difference in what you did and what the OP wrote about.

1. Yours was an impromptu party, thanks to your son's waffling. You did not invite the kids as last minute seat-fillers to a party that had been planned for a few weeks. They weren't second choice.

2. You did call the parents and check to see if such a last minute party was even workable. That was smart AND considerate.

DD has been invited to a party or two like this. A neighborhood kid will decide to have a birthday party on short notice (usually waiting to see what the weather will be like) and the mom will ask, "Can you make it tomorrow? We're having breakfast at McD's and then going to the pool." They eat Happy Meal breakfasts, play a bit, open gifts, head to the pool, have cake/cupcakes there, and it's a party! (Or you could reserve the pool for $350, but most people don't want to do that for less than 10 kids. )

You weren't hoodwinked as bad as my aunt was years ago. My mother loved to tell this story. This was back when kids could just get on any bus at school and ride home with any other kid, no questions asked. My aunt had 7-8 kids, one right after the other, so when the bus pulled up, she was used to a herd getting off the bus. One day, the kids just kept coming, one after another. Bunches of them.....and they weren't all hers.

Turns out one of her kids was having a birthday and decided to invite lots of the kids at school to his birthday party.....The party his mother knew NOTHING about. This was back in the early 60s, and my aunt lived in a rural area with no phone. She couldn't even call the parents to come get their kids. There was no such thing back then as running up to a grocery store and getting a ready made birthday cake. So she frantically got busy making a cake from scratch and let the kids play outside. Once the cake was done, she fed them. By that time, her husband and some of the other men were getting home from work and they were able to take the kids home.

I don't know what the other parents thought when their kids didn't get off the bus, excect that apparently word spread via older/younger siblings that they had gone home with my cousin for his birthday party. It was a different world back then......But THAT'S a real last minute party.

 

[bluesaturn]

Honestly, I don't think I'd even want my child to go, simply because I'd be so insulted that they were just an OBVIOUS seat-filler. Treating a kid like leftovers isn't cool.

I can't agree with everything you said, there's no sense in arguing. However I completely agree with this statement, and I think it overshadows the telling the kid before the mom. Telling a kid they were a back up is so incredibly tacky! I agree with you, I probably wouldn't send my child either.

 

[JVL1018]

I would be annoyed by my kid being on the B list, but I know my kids wouldn't care and would really want to go, so I'd let them go even if I had to juggle.
I'd make my husband pick them up if I was the one who had to make soemthing for a potluck and get ready to go, doesn;t take him more than 10 minutes to get ready..plus he could always pick him up early if need be.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the kid knowing first either-my kids always know about their invites before I do, even if the mom waited to tell me, the friend always opens their mouth.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

HUGE difference in what you did and what the OP wrote about.

1. Yours was an impromptu party, thanks to your son's waffling. You did not invite the kids as last minute seat-fillers to a party that had been planned for a few weeks. They weren't second choice.

2. You did call the parents and check to see if such a last minute party was even workable. That was smart AND considerate.

DD has been invited to a party or two like this. A neighborhood kid will decide to have a birthday party on short notice (usually waiting to see what the weather will be like) and the mom will ask, "Can you make it tomorrow? We're having breakfast at McD's and then going to the pool." They eat Happy Meal breakfasts, play a bit, open gifts, head to the pool, have cake/cupcakes there, and it's a party! (Or you could reserve the pool for $350, but most people don't want to do that for less than 10 kids. )

You weren't hoodwinked as bad as my aunt was years ago. My mother loved to tell this story. This was back when kids could just get on any bus at school and ride home with any other kid, no questions asked. My aunt had 7-8 kids, one right after the other, so when the bus pulled up, she was used to a herd getting off the bus. One day, the kids just kept coming, one after another. Bunches of them.....and they weren't all hers.

Turns out one of her kids was having a birthday and decided to invite lots of the kids at school to his birthday party.....The party his mother knew NOTHING about. This was back in the early 60s, and my aunt lived in a rural area with no phone. She couldn't even call the parents to come get their kids. There was no such thing back then as running up to a grocery store and getting a ready made birthday cake. So she frantically got busy making a cake from scratch and let the kids play outside. Once the cake was done, she fed them. By that time, her husband and some of the other men were getting home from work and they were able to take the kids home.

I don't know what the other parents thought when their kids didn't get off the bus, excect that apparently word spread via older/younger siblings that they had gone home with my cousin for his birthday party. It was a different world back then......But THAT'S a real last minute party.

I love this story! Your poor aunt, what a great sport! I bet the kids loved this party!

I have a little OT party story about DS8 when he was 6. His little classmate must have been bragging to the kids about her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese and how everyone was invited. DS kept talking about it over and over, that it was "THIS" Saturday. Well, it's Friday and we have no invite. So I tell him, maybe she was just having girls, or maybe she was just talking..but we CANNOT just show up for her party without a WRITTEN invitation. DS could not grasp this idea at all, and over and over again talking about this doggone party. Well now I am getting a little ticked off at little girl and Mom for letting her talk about a nonexistent party-at least as far as my DS goes. We get through Friday, and I am thinking, "OK he finally got it." Saturday morning, 6:30 a.m., I roll over and there is DS standing at the side of my bed, fully dressed, ready for the party. I felt so bad for him, I planned a whole day of fun to help him forget about missing this party. He is sort of OK, but a little sad.

Monday comes, he brings his bookbag home and there in it is an invitation to that darn party NEXT Saturday! I almost cried..

Thanks for the comments about my last minute party. It makes me feel better, I was very squeamish about inviting people at the last minute like that. I wasn't going to do it, but I love my little boy..as indecisive as he is.

 

[jrmasm]

When DD was younger, her party invites went to a group (girls in class, whole class, sports team A, sports team B). It was simply a way to hit a target number AND not hurt feelings. She has a summer birthday and depending on when the party was scheduled, family vacations and other summer plans could cause a problem. One year nearly half of the kids that she invited were unable to come due to summer plans. We had to go the dreaded B list (as has been mentionned numerous times on this thread). These kids were fillins and were not on the original list because they weren't members of the particular group she chose to invite that year. However, and this is an important fact that people are ignoring, she was able to invite kids that she WANTED to be there but weren't a part of the group that she started with (a sports team).

Just food for thought.

 

[EMom]

When DD was younger, her party invites went to a group (girls in class, whole class, sports team A, sports team B). It was simply a way to hit a target number AND not hurt feelings. She has a summer birthday and depending on when the party was scheduled, family vacations and other summer plans could cause a problem. One year nearly half of the kids that she invited were unable to come due to summer plans. We had to go the dreaded B list (as has been mentionned numerous times on this thread). These kids were fillins and were not on the original list because they weren't members of the particular group she chose to invite that year. However, and this is an important fact that people are ignoring, she was able to invite kids that she WANTED to be there but weren't a part of the group that she started with (a sports team).

Just food for thought.

I think a lot of people have a B-list these days, especially with party venues that only admit a certain number of kids, etc. If the place only allows 10 or 15, you can't invite 25. You simply cannot invite everybody. Believe me, DD is like some sort of elementary school ambassador. She would invite 60 kids if I'd let her and she's thick with every one of them.

Let's say you invite all the girls in the current year's classroom and that only 7 out of 12 accept. You have "space" at the venue for 5 more. The B-list might be something along the lines of, "You can invite the 5 girls from your dance class or you can invite 5 girls that were in your class last year or 5 girls from the neighborhood."

As long as you invite them in a timely fashion.....meaning you allow enough time so that it's not OBVIOUS they were B-list, it's probably not that big a deal. But inviting a kid the day before a party obviously identifies them as B-list and perhaps even C-list.

That's another reason RSVPing quickly is important. If a mother knows that X number of invitees from the classroom cannot make it, she can allow her daughter (for example) to go ahead and invite that number of kids from her dance class. And the invitations can be delivered just a few days after the original ones were delivered at school. Heck, pass them out at school on a Friday, get RSVPs over the next few days, and by dance class on Wednesday, you can be ready to hand out invitations if you have room at the venue. And really, that's when you would have handed them out anyway, so no one will ever feel that they were B-list.

And yes.....My aunt WAS a great sport. My mother used to say she'd have been a wreck if she'd had that many kids, but my aunt somehow managed to stay calm, no matter how much chaos was going on. Mama used to say she had Valium running through her veins. She taught many of us to drive when our own parents did not have the nerve to do it. Nothing ruffled her.