kid's fathers family wants to see them

[cheermom1]

ok this is a long story but in a nut shell kid's father left and we haven't seen him in 15 years. his sister and mom contacted us yesterday wanting to see the kids and said that their father is in jail for another 3 years. he has been in and out of jail for various things. drugs to rape. anyway I am very cautious of this.

my main prob. is this in 3 years the kids will be 20 and 19. but I am concerned that at that time they can see him or whatever they want I have no prob. with that. however the drugs and stuff concerns me as when kids are that age they tend to be very impressionable and I'm afraid es. for my son as he is a kid with few words and he hates school. he is an over all good kid but put him in that environment and well I'm afraid he will go in his fathers foot steps...

so my question is what can I do to help them make the right choices? I really think that they should not go to where his family is (another state) and if they want to see them they should come here and not ask them to come to them no matter how old they are. they have a much better chance if they stay here.

I guess I am just very worried and scared...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You can trust them to use the sound judgment that you have instilled in them over two decades...

 

[cheermom1]

You can trust them to use the sound judgment that you have instilled in them over two decades...

you are so right but it so very hard!!

 

[luvmy3]

Do your kids stay in contact with the father's family? Is this request just out of the blue?

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, There is no way I would let my kids go to another state under those circumstances.

I agree with you. If they want to see the kids let them come to your area.

TC

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I think having them come visit is not a bad thing. You have no legal requirement to send them there do you?

You have to trust your kids to make their choices as they get older. It stinks, and is worrisome, but you have to do it. Not meaning to sound mean!

 

[kellyg403]

Just for the kids comfort alone I would request that they come to you. I am taking it that kids have not seen dad/family for 15 years? No matter the age it will be uncomfortable. It would be easier for them emotionally to be on their 'turf' so to speak.

Good Luck OP. I agree with others...trust them. They know what is what!

Kelly

 

[cheermom1]

Do your kids stay in contact with the father's family? Is this request just out of the blue?

Yes it was out of the blue. they have not had contact for 15 years with any of them.

I told them that they can talk to them over the phone and on face book until they got comfortable with them than they can see them here and I would not let them go to them. but what happens when they are over 18 and their father is out of jail?

 

[natenapril]

Yes it was out of the blue. they have not had contact for 15 years with any of them.

I told them that they can talk to them over the phone and on face book until they got comfortable with them than they can see them here and I would not let them go to them. but what happens when they are over 18 and their father is out of jail?

You did the right thing by telling the family to come to you. When your children are over 18 then THEY will have to decide what they want and YOU will need to be there for them either way.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Then they will do what they feel is necessary. I'm sorry. Maybe they will see him/them, maybe not.

 

[kellyg403]

You did the right thing by telling the family to come to you. When your children are over 18 then THEY will have to decide what they want and YOU will need to be there for them either way.

I agree...once over 18 you will only be able to console them or be happy with them that everything turned out alright. I always thought my oldest would look for his father he hadn't seen since was 2. Heck, when he was 12 I found a letter he wrote to Maury Povich "Help my find my father". He never did. His sister did and even when she made contact, well...he just didn't want to. So you could be surprised it could go either way.

Kelly

 

[sbell111]

I wouldn't give a moments consideration to any request that those people made.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes it was out of the blue. they have not had contact for 15 years with any of them.

I told them that they can talk to them over the phone and on face book until they got comfortable with them than they can see them here and I would not let them go to them. but what happens when they are over 18 and their father is out of jail?

Then you are definitely doing the right thing.
I don't know what will happen when your kids are 18, but if they haven't had any relationship with their father in that long, they may want nothing to do with him then. Do they tell you they want to see him now?

My mother abandoned me when I was around 10. I had seen very little of her during my childhood and went through a very rebelious stage in my later teens and went to live with her. It was brief because I realized that this woman was not my "mother" and we were like strangers. I have seen her a handful of times since then. I can't speak for your kids, but for me, there was never this burning desire to have a relationship with someone who threw away the chance long ago. Turning into an adult never changed that for me. I don't know if you are worried because your kids express a want for their father in their life, if so, you just have to be confident that you have raised them in a way that they know exactly who they are and that they are not going to make the wrong decisions because they see this person who is their father in biology only, doing wrong.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I wouldn't give a moments consideration to any request that those people made.

I don't think she owes them anything. I think that kids have the right to know that people who are their blood are interested in them and decide what to do with that information. Some care a great deal. Some don't.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't think she owes them anything. I think that kids have the right to know that people who are their blood are interested in them and decide what to do with that information. Some care a great deal. Some don't.

A great thought - let the children decide whether or not to have any contact with his family. If they say no, let them know and move on. If they change their minds at a later date, keep their contact information to make that initial contact easier for them...

 

[sbell111]

I don't think she owes them anything. I think that kids have the right to know that people who are their blood are interested in them and decide what to do with that information. Some care a great deal. Some don't.

When the kids become adults, they get the ability to make that determination. Until then, the parents get to make the decision.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would not send my minor children out of state to see someone that I have not had a positive ongoing relationship with.. Period. Just wouldn't.

I would consider allowing these family members to come see the kids, IF I had no reason to think that they were currently involved in drugs, illegalities, etc...

You are correct... Once your children are adults, they will be able to make their own decisions.

If these relatives are willing to come to you, for a visit under controlled circumstances, then that will be the first step for your kids and yourself, to make that judgement call.

Otherwise, your kids could reach adulthood without ever having met these people. And, really, they would have no basis to make the best decisions.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

There is no way that I would let my kids go.l If They want to come visit my children than fine, but as long as I had control over this they would not go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

..... but what happens when they are over 18 and their father is out of jail?

Yes, good question!

However, of course, that is something that you cannot control.

The thing to do is to let your kids feel-out the situation while you are still there to oversee and guide and protect them.


PS: You might want to be careful about showing too much control and 'negativity'.
If your kids can sense that you may have prejudices, ulterior motives (you hate their father) etc...
this could backfire.... you want them to trust you and be able to share with you and respect your input....
Otherwise, they could just strike out on their own "in spite of you".

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

When the kids become adults, they get the ability to make that determination. Until then, the parents get to make the decision.

A smart parent makes choices based on what is best for the teens in this case. If they are in voice or email contact they have the support of their mom in dealing with any feelings etc., that come from the interaction. It is a safe situation.