kid's fathers family wants to see them

[cheermom1]

Cheermom1, I say this as someone who has watched several friends and loved ones go through this situation. . .

These situations almost never end well. There's a reason why you have not maintained contact with their bio father and his family. In normal circumstances you would want your children to have contact with extended family members. This is not normal. IMHO, you should dial back any discussions of meeting or contacting your children's bio family and bio father. Your children are at a very vulnerable age, in their middle teens. Establishing one's identity and growing into an adult are hard enough. Getting entangled with bio family that until recently has had nothing to do with them is only going to exacerbate feelings of abandonment and confusion. Provide your kids with information and support if they ask, but don't pursue anything with these blood relations who didn't think it important to pop up until now.

I'm not they have our info and if they want to have anything to do with them they know how to contact them. the ball is in their court.

thanks to everyone for all the replies it means a lot to me no matter what side you are on..I just need to do what I think is best for my kids and that is to let things work it's way to what whatever may happen with them. meaning that they know how to get a hold of the kids and it is up to them to show the kids how much they really want to get to know them or not.

I will continue to encourage my kids to follow the right path no matter if the other is easier in the long run it is harder. thanks all

 

[Disney Doll]

I would say that the tactic you are currently taking is a good one.

You need to be apprised of all contact that ex-H's family has with your children, especially in light of the fact that they haven't heard ffom anyone in 15 years.

Your DD sounds like she has a pretty practical head on her shoulders. Your DS sounds like a guy. I would agree with you that having your DH talk to him "man to man" about this stuff might be good. Men just communicate differently.

 

[golfgal]

Um, let's see--dad in jail for rape--nope not going to happen. Just say "NO". That is about how much thought I would give to this request. Also, I would see about relinquishing parental rights-if you haven't done so already. I know here if there is no contact in so many years you can have their parental rights relinquished without them being involved in the process.

 

[cheermom1]

Um, let's see--dad in jail for rape--nope not going to happen. Just say "NO". That is about how much thought I would give to this request. Also, I would see about relinquishing parental rights-if you haven't done so already. I know here if there is no contact in so many years you can have their parental rights relinquished without them being involved in the process.

I totally understand and I'm surprised this hasn't come up yet. However I was with him when this one happened and before we got together he was with this other girl and they waited til he turned 18 (again I was with him at this time when he turned 18) to arrest him for this and the girl was of age when he turned 18 so i don;t know how this stuck but it did. The girl that this happened to came up to me and told me out of her own mouth that he didn't do it she was willing and she telling everyone that would listen but no one would do anything about it. She was 17 at that time. I hope this clears it up for you.

thanks for bringing this one up. he has a good heart just very misguided and made some very poor choices. But I will make sure he can't suck my kids into his world. i have told him that the last time he called about 10 years ago. yes i had contact with him but the kids didn;t and all that was said at that time was he wanted to see them but never came. I didn;t tell the kids either.

 

[sunnyday123]

I totally understand and I'm surprised this hasn't come up yet. However I was with him when this one happened and before we got together he was with this other girl and they waited til he turned 18 (again I was with him at this time when he turned 18) to arrest him for this and the girl was of age when he turned 18 so i don;t know how this stuck but it did. The girl that this happened to came up to me and told me out of her own mouth that he didn't do it she was willing and she telling everyone that would listen but no one would do anything about it. She was 17 at that time. I hope this clears it up for you.

thanks for bringing this one up. he has a good heart just very misguided and made some very poor choices. But I will make sure he can't suck my kids into his world. i have told him that the last time he called about 10 years ago. yes i had contact with him but the kids didn;t and all that was said at that time was he wanted to see them but never came. I didn;t tell the kids either.

I'm confused. You are worried about him sucking your kids into a depraved world, is in jail for drugs and rape, and then say he has a "good heart" and is just misguided?? Am I missing something?

The only thing I'd be wondering is how soon I could revoke his parental rights.

 

[cheermom1]

I'm confused. You are worried about him sucking your kids into a depraved world, is in jail for drugs and rape, and then say he has a "good heart" and is just misguided?? Am I missing something?

The only thing I'd be wondering is how soon I could revoke his parental rights.

I know but I'm not letting him see them nor his family. they can talk via face book and they have our contact info. so the ball is in their court. personally I don;t think they will ever do anything more than talk to them on face book. but when he gets out of jail is my main concern. the kids will be over 18 at that point and he knows that.

 

[tzolkin]

My oldest DD is 11 and has had no contact with her biological father or his family.

If he or his family contacted me and wanted to see her there is no way in hell I would put her on a plane and send her to visit them. If DD wanted to meet them, I would allow it but they would actually have to make the effort to come to us and I would need to be there.


Her "sperm donor" went to college, has a very comfortable life, and has never been in any sort of legal trouble, but he's a complete stranger and I would like to protect my DD from getting hurt to the best of my ability.

I really don't have any hatred toward him-- everything worked out well and I'm actually glad that he's not involved-- but I really don't know that I can forgive his mother. I believe she really influenced him to not have any contact with us and she said horrible things to me when I was pregnant (including telling me that if I were her daughter, she would beat me and force me to have an abortion against my will). Not really someone I want to have my child exposed to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... they can talk via face book and they have our contact info. so the ball is in their court. personally I don;t think they will ever do anything more than talk to them on face book. but when he gets out of jail is my main concern. the kids will be over 18 at that point and he knows that.

I agree that unless thare is very good reason, children and their direct (if only biological) family should be able to communicate.

But, I just wanted to say - Do NOT understimate the involvment and control that can be exerted into their lives via something like Facebook!!!!

Once communication is established, then it can become daily... Your kids can become over-involved... Divulge too much personal information... etc.... etc..

I am just saying that if you have already, immediately upon their first contact, opened up avenues like Facebook and text messaging with your kids... I think you need to be VERY careful and VERY proactive in monitoring what is transpiring.

I am just saying, do be prepared to have to close out and/or change accounts, cellphone numbers, etc... if it were to become necessary.

MANY people see only what THEY WANT, and do not have enough respect for personal boundaries.
Just look at some of the threads here on the DIS.
Kids and teenagers are VERY susceptible to this.

 

[cheermom1]

I agree that unless thare is very good reason, children and their direct (if only biological) family should be able to communicate.

But, I just wanted to say - Do NOT understimate the involvment and control that can be exerted into their lives via something like Facebook!!!!

Once communication is established, then it can become daily... Your kids can become over-involved... Divulge too much personal information... etc.... etc..

I am just saying that if you have already, immediately upon their first contact, opened up avenues like Facebook and text messaging with your kids... I think you need to be VERY careful and VERY proactive in monitoring what is transpiring.

I am just saying, do be prepared to have to close out and/or change accounts, cellphone numbers, etc... if it were to become necessary.

MANY people see only what THEY WANT, and do not have enough respect for personal boundaries.
Just look at some of the threads here on the DIS.
Kids and teenagers are VERY susceptible to this.

I agree and that is why they only have my # and I see everything that happens on face book and I have a very open and honest relationship with my kids...thank so much for being so concerned and I have gotten a lot of great tips and things to keep in mind...

keep all the suggestions coming!! I appreciate them all...

I have a ?, I'm thinking about writing their father in jail and addressing a lot of things with him. do any of you think this is a good idea?

 

[sunnyday123]

I agree that unless thare is very good reason, children and their direct (if only biological) family should be able to communicate.

But, I just wanted to say - Do NOT understimate the involvment and control that can be exerted into their lives via something like Facebook!!!!

Once communication is established, then it can become daily... Your kids can become over-involved... Divulge too much personal information... etc.... etc..

I am just saying that if you have already, immediately upon their first contact, opened up avenues like Facebook and text messaging with your kids... I think you need to be VERY careful and VERY proactive in monitoring what is transpiring.

I am just saying, do be prepared to have to close out and/or change accounts, cellphone numbers, etc... if it were to become necessary.

MANY people see only what THEY WANT, and do not have enough respect for personal boundaries.
Just look at some of the threads here on the DIS.
Kids and teenagers are VERY susceptible to this.

This. Of course they can make everything sound sunshine and rainbows online.

Drugs, prison and rape are pretty good reasons for me to keep my kid(s) away from anyone. Does he have contact with the people in contact with your kids? They'd be crossed off the list too. Especially if you think one of your children could easily be swayed to that sort of thing.

 

[cheermom1]

This. Of course they can make everything sound sunshine and rainbows online.

Drugs, prison and rape are pretty good reasons for me to keep my kid(s) away from anyone. Does he have contact with the people in contact with your kids? They'd be crossed off the list too. Especially if you think one of your children could easily be swayed to that sort of thing.

I see what you are saying but at the same time if I say no now and not let them get their questions answered in an environment I can control than when they turn 18 they might just head over to him and get involved then. I think that if I can get their questions answered now and get the curiosity out of the way than when they turn 18 they will be well informed on how they are and will have no desire to meet them if they already have...does that make since?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

OP, about contacting the children's father.
My first thought is "What good could actually come from it?"
Really, "What are your objectives?"
What types of questions and/or issues are on your mind?

Are there specific questions and issues that need to be addressed???
If so, are these issues not better addressed thru legal avenues.
Especially since this guy is sitting in jail.

I guess I am having a hard time seeing any valid reason for such personal contact.

 

[cheermom1]

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

OP, about contacting the children's father.
My first thought is "What good could actually come from it?"
Really, "What are your objectives?"
What types of questions and/or issues are on your mind?

Are there specific questions and issues that need to be addressed???
If so, are these issues not better addressed thru legal avenues.
Especially since this guy is sitting in jail.

I guess I am having a hard time seeing any valid reason for such personal contact.

Wishing, I know him very well (true I haven't seen him in 15 years) but I still know him he hasn't changed. there is nothing that can go throu legal avenues this is all personal. I didn't contact them they contacted me first. so i thought I would get this over and done with now so that when they turn 18 they will have their fill and can go to college and hopefully he will help with that and encourage them to go.

 

[robinb]

I found the right thread .

First of all, I think that allowing your kids Facebook contact is too personal. Kids say a lot of things on their FB account and your ex's family just doesn't need to know any of that. If they want to phone or email, that would be OK. But having an on-going connection to your kids out of the blue? Nope.

Secondly, it sounds like you may be fantasizing a little too much about the possible relationship with their bio-father. This guy has not seen them since they were babies, messed up his life, has 3 other kids, is in and out of jail and you expect him to be a role model and encourage them to go to college? That's not going to happen.

Third, you don't know him well. You don't know him at all. You knew the 18 year-old him. But you don't know that man that he has become. From the sound of things he doesn't seem like the kind of guy you would want to know. Nor is he the kind of guy I would want my kids to know.

I think you jumped the gun by telling them about their bio-father's family's request. In addition, you're not helping yourself or your kids by sharing the lame excuses with your kids about why he never contacted them earlier. Frankly, I don't see any good out of allowing your kids to contact the family of their bio-father. If a relationship was important to them they would have made contact back in the 1990's.

I do hope that things work out for your kids. I am worried for your DD and her night terrors .