kid's fathers family wants to see them

[cheermom1]

I will let the kids talk to them when and if they want to. so far they have agreed to talk to their aunts and gma. my kids made it clear to them that they would call them by their names not aunt or gma. I don;t want the kids to think I am keeping them from their father or his family. I want them to make their own opinions about them.

I just talked to another one of his sisters and I asked her why he hadn't ahd contact with them. she said that he has tried but every time he tried he was put in jail for child support. my dd said well maybe he should have paid it.

anyway to me that is not an excuse. but I'll let the kids dictate how fast they want to go. but I told them they had to be willing to come to them and let them know they really did want to see them. that that is a step on their part.

I also found out that he has 3 other kids that he has custody of..

so the kids are wonder why he wanted them and not them...I can see that..wow a lot for them to take in right now.

 

[agnes!]

At least the scumbag's relatives contacted the mother of the children and seem willing to NOT contact the kids without going through the mother...

That being said, if I were in your shoes OP I would not allow them to travel out-of-state. If I decided to let them see the kids I would have the 'visit' in a public place and would have disinterested others there to keep an eye on everyone. I would also consider taping the entire episode. I would meet with the relatives FIRST to let them know what my rules are and to assess them. I would let them know about meeting with me *first* and that if they don't pass muster with *me* the visit with the kids is off.

agnes!

 

[cheermom1]

At least the scumbag's relatives contacted the mother of the children and seem willing to NOT contact the kids without going through the mother...

That being said, if I were in your shoes OP I would not allow them to travel out-of-state. If I decided to let them see the kids I would have the 'visit' in a public place and would have disinterested others there to keep an eye on everyone. I would also consider taping the entire episode. I would meet with the relatives FIRST to let them know what my rules are and to assess them. I would let them know about meeting with me *first* and that if they don't pass muster with *me* the visit with the kids is off.

agnes!

yep that is what I'm doing. I have made it clear to them that they have to come to the kids and they will not be going to them. I am very concerned about the drugs.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

yep that is what I'm doing. I have made it clear to them that they have to come to the kids and they will not be going to them. I am very concerned about the drugs.

I would also be there with them when they did visit. Don't leave them alone with them, and do this in a public place. If the kids ask why, just say you have not seen them in years either and leave it at that. I would hate for them to take off with your children.

 

[cheermom1]

I would also be there with them when they did visit. Don't leave them alone with them, and do this in a public place. If the kids ask why, just say you have not seen them in years either and leave it at that. I would hate for them to take off with your children.

Defiantly the kids already asked if me and my dh (their daddy) will be there. I told them we would defiantly be there. But I don't see this happening for months at least I hope not.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I would also be there with them when they did visit. Don't leave them alone with them, and do this in a public place. If the kids ask why, just say you have not seen them in years either and leave it at that. I would hate for them to take off with your children.

That isn't helpful. They are teens. Not a huge kidnapping concern.

 

[cheermom1]

That isn't helpful. They are teens. Not a huge kidnapping concern.

I don't think I have to worry about kidnapping. I just have to worry about when the kids are 18 and if he can talk them into coming to his house. mainly my ds he is the one I am really worried about. He could easily convince him to come live with him and influence him with his environment. that is what I'm most worried about.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I don't think I have to worry about kidnapping. I just have to worry about when the kids are 18 and if he can talk them into coming to his house. mainly my ds he is the one I am really worried about. He could easily convince him to come live with him and influence him with his environment. that is what I'm most worried about.

You have 3 years to build this kid up. A rotten attitude at 13 can change into a delightful child at 20. He has a lot to figure out. You might want to consider a bit of counseling along the way. Find a good one, and if you don't think you have the right match, search out another.

 

[agnes!]

I would also be there with them when they did visit. Don't leave them alone with them, and do this in a public place. If the kids ask why, just say you have not seen them in years either and leave it at that. I would hate for them to take off with your children.

That isn't helpful. They are teens. Not a huge kidnapping concern.

"Not a huge kidnapping concern"? No one knows, these people have not been in these children's lives for over 15 years. They could have picked up the phone, oh I don't know, maybe a couple of years ago and touched-base with this family. Sure, maybe that concern is ungrounded, but maybe it *isn't*.

These relatives are a completely unknown quantity. They might be angels or they might be complete scumbags like their brother/son, no one really knows!

And *that* is exactly the point. If I were in the OP's shoes I would rather prepare for any possible visit like these people are the Devil Incarnate and find I am mistaken, than figure out after the fact that they had some kind of ulterior base motives in mind.

The minors in question are now 17 and 16. Elizabeth Smart was 14 when she was abducted in her own home. Well, she was a teenager, so I guess it shouldn't have happened because she was in her teens?

As to the relatives' character, how about the OP's statement that:

I just talked to another one of his sisters and I asked her why he hadn't ahd contact with them. she said that he has tried but every time he tried he was put in jail for child support. my dd said well maybe he should have paid it.

I have to say, it's pretty clear. The relatives are still making excuses for this man. He's been in jail for drugs! He's been in jail for rape! BUT the only reason he didn't visit or contact his own children for FIFTEEN YEARS is because the big bad system came after him for that nasty unpaid child-support.

And, the OP knows they are getting older, that they are almost grown-up. She even says that

I don;t want the kids to think I am keeping them from their father or his family. I want them to make their own opinions about them.

She's smart, she's certainly not going to allow these people to have unfettered access for as long as she's in charge.

OP -
I would see if you can find out any more information on your Ex's criminal record, not just what his own relatives are telling you. Is he still in jail? How many violent crimes has he been convicted of? Is he out on parole or when is he eligible for parole? And honestly, I would also see if a background-check of some type could be run on the mother and sisters.

agnes!
PS - Kudos to your DD for "maybe he should have paid it"!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

over react much? That isn't helpful. The op just said she did not fear kidnapping. The op shows far more common sense. Thankfully for her kids.

 

[cheermom1]

"Not a huge kidnapping concern"? No one knows, these people have not been in these children's lives for over 15 years. They could have picked up the phone, oh I don't know, maybe a couple of years ago and touched-base with this family. Sure, maybe that concern is ungrounded, but maybe it *isn't*.

These relatives are a completely unknown quantity. They might be angels or they might be complete scumbags like their brother/son, no one really knows!

And *that* is exactly the point. If I were in the OP's shoes I would rather prepare for any possible visit like these people are the Devil Incarnate and find I am mistaken, than figure out after the fact that they had some kind of ulterior base motives in mind.

The minors in question are now 17 and 16. Elizabeth Smart was 14 when she was abducted in her own home. Well, she was a teenager, so I guess it shouldn't have happened because she was in her teens?

As to the relatives' character, how about the OP's statement that:


I have to say, it's pretty clear. The relatives are still making excuses for this man. He's been in jail for drugs! He's been in jail for rape! BUT the only reason he didn't visit or contact his own children for FIFTEEN YEARS is because the big bad system came after him for that nasty unpaid child-support.

And, the OP knows they are getting older, that they are almost grown-up. She even says that


She's smart, she's certainly not going to allow these people to have unfettered access for as long as she's in charge.

OP -
I would see if you can find out any more information on your Ex's criminal record, not just what his own relatives are telling you. Is he still in jail? How many violent crimes has he been convicted of? Is he out on parole or when is he eligible for parole? And honestly, I would also see if a background-check of some type could be run on the mother and sisters.

agnes!
PS - Kudos to your DD for "maybe he should have paid it"!

The bolded part. I have been keeping up with all of this already. I know what is has been in for and why and when he has gotten out. So no I don;t take anything they say for the truth. and with what dd said I know they aren't buying why he didn;t contact them till now.

eta: the one thing I didn't know was where he was living. I didn't want to force him to be dad so I didn;t contact him plus I didn;t like the idea of his rap sheet. so i figured that if he really wanted to see his kids he would find me, we were hard to find.

 

[sbell111]

That isn't helpful. They are teens. Not a huge kidnapping concern.

over react much? That isn't helpful. The op just said she did not fear kidnapping. The op shows far more common sense. Thankfully for her kids.

You know, posts like these are quite unhelpful. They add nothing positive to the thread and only serve as attacks on other posters.

 

[agnes!]

over react much? That isn't helpful. The op just said she did not fear kidnapping. The op shows far more common sense. Thankfully for her kids.

I was referring to the part of your previous post that seemed to imply that teenagers don't get kidnapped. If I misunderstood your meaning, my apologies.

But I didn't say she should necessarily try to keep the kids away from them or that these relatives should be tarred and feathered or something. I agree, these minor children are almost of the age when they can go and see these people themselves, just that the mother needs to be prepared for any possibility. As the OP says in her last post, she's been keeping up with the Ex's criminal record herself, so she knows his character. If she hasn't been keeping up with the rest of his family, I was just trying to say she should find out if the rest of the family has any kind of criminal record and prepare accordingly.

agnes!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Been there done that! I left my ex when my now DS26 & DS25 were 18 months and 6 months old. We never saw him again. Once my divorce was final I heard from him once, when the boys were in pre-school, he claimed he wanted to see them. I told him, fine I needed to discuss how we would do it with a therapist. Well, he never called back. I will also add I never received one red cent from him, from the moment I left.

During all this time I also never heard a thing from his family, and I honestly never expected too. Now, when the boys were teens, I was living in another state, a new name (remarried) etc... My mil had called my brother who called me to give me her number, since he told her he couldn't give her mine (smart brother). I called her hoping she was telling me my ex was dead!! I couldn't imagine why else she would try to track me down. Well according to her, she said your youngest DD asked about my kids, and that made her call...hmmm..how many years too late?? I again asked a therapist the best way to do things. The therapist suggested doing nothing, if I felt they wouldn't be a constant, well I felt that way, and that was that.

Now once DS was 21 this same DD of mil (DS's 1/2 aunt) contacted him on facebook. I haven't been happy. I don't mind the aunts..but I do mind the mil, especically since my mom, who helped me raise them is gone. He has visited them, and he invited them to his engagement party. He really only wanted 1 aunt, but felt he had to invite them all. Thankfully mil was too ill to travel!!

I am hoping that DS won't invite them to his wedding. As of now 1 Aunt is preggers..so I dont think she will be able to travel then...but as long as my ex mil isn't there I will be fine!

Both DS's want nothing to do with their bio-dad..who we call the sperm donor!

If you feel they will bring something positive to your kids, then I would say yes.. They are old enough also to give an opinion..so ask them. Good luck!!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

lol, then you are saying i over reacted? I guess it has been known to happen! Sorry for the misunderstanding!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

You know, posts like these are quite unhelpful. They add nothing positive to the thread and only serve as attacks on other posters.

While I above admitted to over reacting on the second point, I disagree with your opinion on the first.

My point is valid. People take a small piece of information and next thing you know they are talking kidnapping. That does not help one bit. You may not think it added anything (why your opinion matters on that more than the op, I am clueless) but I believe it made a valid point.

 

[cheermom1]

Been there done that! I left my ex when my now DS26 & DS25 were 18 months and 6 months old. We never saw him again. Once my divorce was final I heard from him once, when the boys were in pre-school, he claimed he wanted to see them. I told him, fine I needed to discuss how we would do it with a therapist. Well, he never called back. I will also add I never received one red cent from him, from the moment I left.

During all this time I also never heard a thing from his family, and I honestly never expected too. Now, when the boys were teens, I was living in another state, a new name (remarried) etc... My mil had called my brother who called me to give me her number, since he told her he couldn't give her mine (smart brother). I called her hoping she was telling me my ex was dead!! I couldn't imagine why else she would try to track me down. Well according to her, she said your youngest DD asked about my kids, and that made her call...hmmm..how many years too late?? I again asked a therapist the best way to do things. The therapist suggested doing nothing, if I felt they wouldn't be a constant, well I felt that way, and that was that.

Now once DS was 21 this same DD of mil (DS's 1/2 aunt) contacted him on facebook. I haven't been happy. I don't mind the aunts..but I do mind the mil, especically since my mom, who helped me raise them is gone. He has visited them, and he invited them to his engagement party. He really only wanted 1 aunt, but felt he had to invite them all. Thankfully mil was too ill to travel!!

I am hoping that DS won't invite them to his wedding. As of now 1 Aunt is preggers..so I dont think she will be able to travel then...but as long as my ex mil isn't there I will be fine!

Both DS's want nothing to do with their bio-dad..who we call the sperm donor!

If you feel they will bring something positive to your kids, then I would say yes.. They are old enough also to give an opinion..so ask them. Good luck!!

Yes I have asked them and been talking to them about everything and how they feel. dd lets me know but ds says nothing. I don;t think it will hurt them to get to know them but I don't want them to go to stay with them when they get older. I know my ex and I wouldn't put it past him to tell my son that he will buy him a car or something if he comes to live with him or promise him things ya know. that is what I'm worried about. I mean I know that if he is 18 I can't stop him if he chooses to do that but I know my son and I know that if he does that he will doing the same things his father does. does that make since?

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

cheermom, I see you have an abundance of boys. I'm hoping that you understand that boys are totally different their communication than girls typically. Is your son close to a coach, pastor, step dad, uncle? I find my sons much more likely to talk with the men they are comfortable with while doing something else. KWIM? That even works with old mom when they are really in need!

I'm wondering, your ex seems to have a pretty hairy past. Chances are he won't make it out in that 3 years, or will quickly earn his way back into the system. I would suggest that you don't worry too much (i know, easy for me to say) over how your son will deal in 3 years. That is a long time in kid life.

 

[cheermom1]

cheermom, I see you have an abundance of boys. I'm hoping that you understand that boys are totally different their communication than girls typically. Is your son close to a coach, pastor, step dad, uncle? I find my sons much more likely to talk with the men they are comfortable with while doing something else. KWIM? That even works with old mom when they are really in need!

I'm wondering, your ex seems to have a pretty hairy past. Chances are he won't make it out in that 3 years, or will quickly earn his way back into the system. I would suggest that you don't worry too much (i know, easy for me to say) over how your son will deal in 3 years. That is a long time in kid life.

I have asked my dh to talk to him, he is the only dad they have ever known. Dh said he would.

I was told that if he is good and doesn;t do anything he could get out in about 16 to 18 mo. but yeah you are right if he can stay out of jail long enough to have some kind of relationship with them.

 

[Maggi May]

Cheermom1, I say this as someone who has watched several friends and loved ones go through this situation. . .

These situations almost never end well. There's a reason why you have not maintained contact with their bio father and his family. In normal circumstances you would want your children to have contact with extended family members. This is not normal. IMHO, you should dial back any discussions of meeting or contacting your children's bio family and bio father. Your children are at a very vulnerable age, in their middle teens. Establishing one's identity and growing into an adult are hard enough. Getting entangled with bio family that until recently has had nothing to do with them is only going to exacerbate feelings of abandonment and confusion. Provide your kids with information and support if they ask, but don't pursue anything with these blood relations who didn't think it important to pop up until now.