Hi everyone, This may be a bit long and rambling because I have no one I can share this greif with that would understand it until now. I don't expect anyone to read all of this or comment. but feel welcome to do so. It's mostly for me. I don't even know what I plan to write at this point. But if you feel like commenting, please do. I would love to hear experiences you had with your kids mostly. Especially if they were grown and or first time but any are fine.
My daughter was 40 and she died between late August 31st and September 1st. 5 days ago. Of a not so sudden heart Attack. Not so sudden is because after googling stuff, for over a week, she was showing signs of one coming on but no one, including her, put it all together. We thought she just had covid again. She often complained of similar symptoms her entire life. Just not all at the same time. She was texting with her best friend at 10pm on the 31st evey 10 minutes or so complaining about aches and pains and not feeling well. Then the texts just stop. Her friend thought she had fallen asleep and my nephew found her the next morning dead. I am her 65 year old dad. She lived with my nephew and his mom in a big house where she had her own big room. And she could use the entire house. She helped the mom with a lot of stuff, both personal and professional as part payment for her rent. My nephew's mom was like a second mother to her. The mom died of cancer in January and now my daughters responsibilities only increased. My daughter and I had a good relationship but not particularly close. Which is normal for my family. We would talk or text at least once a day or two but often would go months without seeing each other even though we live less than 10 miles apart. We usually saw each other more at events than just hanging out together.
My daughter was the only one in my family really into Disney. As a young boy in the 60's, Disney was not really for little boys. So, I never had a like for Disney and you might say even a slight dislike for it. But I do love amusement parks and crowds and I am very much still under 30 in my head. My daughter shared this love of youthful things maybe even more so. She loved movies and things from when she was a kid. Especially Star Wars and Back to the Future from when she was a kid. And Potter when she was older. She fell in love with Disney when all the new movies like Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin and all the other ones from Disney's resurgence in the late 80's, started coming out. Like a good dad, I took her to all of them, bought all the tapes, the dvds and she loved it. Funny, Disney didn't stick with my younger daughter, who is 5 years younger, like it did with the older one.
Anyway in the late 90's, when the younger one was over 5, Two different aunts took them on two seperate DW trips. Maybe it was 3? Yes 3 because one of her friends went on the third one. And my older daughter was hooked. When the older one was of college age, early-mid 2000's she started going on her own with friends and once in awhile by herself for at least a week. No small trip from NY. It wasn't every year but say averaged once every 3-5 years. I would never go because I had no interest to pay all that money for something I was not into. As I aged, I became more open to going and wanting to become a bit closer with my daughter, I agreed to go. Mostly because my younger daughter had moved to Florida and was getting married down there and we were turning it into a wedding celebration then 8 days at Disney with just me and her.
My older daughter was so happy. She planned the entire trip. And I dare a travel agent to do any better. She would tell me to send her "X" amount of money by this date and she took care of the rest. She made all the restaurant arrangements 2 months ahead of time. Which I would never have known to do. We bought the meal plans and she explained in great detail what we had to eat each day so we were coming out ahead on it moneywise. Our trip was planned for February 6th 2021. I remember that because the Super Bowl was the next day. Then covid hit. My younger daughter still got married but the reception had to be cancelled and they moved it up to NY 18 months later. But Disney was probably not refunding our money as the park was still open.
So, we went on the trip anyway. It was amazing. My younger daughter and her new hubby drove down from somewhere 3 hours north of Disney and spent the first 2 days with us. He hung out with one of his buddies mostly drinking at Epcot because he likes Disney cartoons even less than me. LOL. So for 2 days it was basically me and my two daughters. No problem with them drinking. But I wasn't going to drink heavily after spending all that money just not to remember it. They left late afternoon the second day and my older daughter and I went to Disney Springs, hung out shopping and stuff until the Super Bowl and watched it on a outdoor screen at the "House of Blues." The next 6 days was just her and I and we bonded so much. Second best extended time I ever had with her in my life. I am sure you can imagine, Magic Kingdom was my least favorite Park and her second favorite after Potter at Universal. I said least favorite. But I still enjoyed it a lot. Mostly because of her. She was having so much joy with all the Disney stuff I was just beginning to understand why. And, she was sharing it with me and doing everything to make it enjoyable for me. And you know what? I did. Because I saw how happy it made her. I will never enjoy the "under 13" Disney stuff for myself. I am sorry. I just don't get it. But I found I could enjoy it for the joy it brought my daughter. We had a couple of little tiffs there because she wanted to go on stuff with long lines that I had no interest in at all with. But I went to make her happy and only one was really bad. I almost went insane waiting and hour and a half to get on, "It's a small world after all" and being driven crazy by the non stop droning of that song the entire ride. If I am not mistaken, that ride was in the 64 Worlds Fair in NY? And I went on it then and hated it then too as a 4 year old. LOL. I was not happy when that was over with and acted a bit bratty about it I am afraid. I looked at it as 2 hours of wasted time we could have been doing anything else. LOL. She tried not to show her hurt but After a 10 minutes we both got over it.
She knew when to take the bus, when to take the skyline, when to walk, when to Uber. Half the time I had no idea where we were going. She just said "Don't worry about it dad. I got this." I was never disappointed with the result. I didn't even know Universal was so close to Disney and she effortlessly incorporated that into our plans. Being a huge Potter fan, of course she did. LOL. Maybe the best trip I ever had up until then. And, now we had a connection that I wanted. We could talk Disney stuff and I was really into it. Not 24/7 all the time like her. But every month or two for a week or more we would talk about the trip and start planning our next trip. Somehow, she got covid on the plane ride home and I didn't sitting right next to her. So she had to spend the next 2 weeks? Quarantined in her room. The same room my nephew found her in.
Flash forward to Thanksgiving 2023. My daughter puts down our deposits for a Thanksgiving Disney trip in 2024. I know what to expect better and can contribute more to the planning. I didn't want to really go then because it was going to cost near double the first trip to just see some phoney snowflakes fall from the sky. But I said ok because she never was there then before and she loves xmas and really wanted to go during xmas. So glad we did go then now. We chose a mixture of restaurants we would like to eat at. Some she wants to try. Some me from watching vids on youtube. Restaurants she had never eaten at before because when I go with her, every time we eat is at a reservation type restaurant. When she goes without me, she tends to only do that kind of eating once or twice because the others she is with, don't want to do that every night. But she likes doing it so she loves going with me for that reason among others. We argue about a few. I pouted about one she refuses to go to but she relented because I didn't want to do the Christmas Night event. I saw it as $200 wasted. But I agreed thinking I might never get the chance again. How right that might be.
A few months later, my younger daughter in Florida announces she is preggers. Her due date? December 1st. The last day of our planned trip to Disney. My daughter and I are obviously even more excited for the baby as we are for Disney. Also, it is clear by now my older daughter won't be having kids of he own. My younger daughter's kid was going to be hers as well in her head. Older daughter starts sending younger daughter tons of baby stuff. We go to Disney and it's even better that the first trip. Maybe because she didn't force me on "it's a Small world." LOL The Christmas Night thing was not worth it at all in my head. All the Hard and not too good cookies and luke warm hot chocolate you could want. And the right to buy overpriced food you can get no where else in the parks that is very hit or miss on how good it is. Oh, and half the park being closed because of the fireworks. But my daughter loved it and $200 is a small price to pay for the happiness she had with it. I am so glad now I did that with her as at the time it was a not great but ok memory. And now it's a great one. I had 8 great days with my daughter. This is the best trip and time I have ever had in my life. We became buddies and closer than ever before. Stuff I was ok dong the first trip but not really into, became some of the highlights of the trip. my daughter could see I was enjoying myself and she was having a really good time with me. As usual, everything planned down to the minute. A problem arose, she quickly had an alternate plan. I really can't explain how good at this she was. A perfect vacation.
We rented a car to travel the 3 hours north to my pregnant daughters house. We got there late afternoon. She was being induced in the next 24 hours so we decided to go out to eat. My son in-law and I had some drinks. Went home had a few more. Don't worry, older daughter was driving. Younger daughter comes out the bedroom. "My water just broke." My son in law and I panic. We forget Jen, my older daughter is even there. LOL. We both look at each other. We are not drunk but tipsey. Both fully capable of driving but really shouldn't. Uber never crosses our minds. We again both forgot about Jen and started to panic. Of course she drives us and many hours later I am a grandfather. Come back to New York. And We talk about the trip for weeks and start loosely planning the next one. Younger daughter dosn't want to take the baby until she is 3 or 4. This last trip was 4k each and we stayed at the second cheapest resort. Jen and I trying to figure out if we can afford another trip in between. Calculating how we can do it. Younger daughter is sometimes interested, sometimes wish we would shut up because it's so far away. As I mentioned. Younger Daughter is a casual Disney fan at best but really wants her daughter to experience it like she did. Especially with Jen, her and me.
Life goes on. Mid August comes along. Doing summer stuff. Haven't seen Jen in person since babies Christening in June. But talk and or text on phone almost every day. We can do a Disney trip in between, and start the early phases of planning the trip for xmas week next year. My wife and I barely talk and our separated for years. My other daughters in Florida. Most of family has died or moved to other states. My nephew is very busy with his career that takes him away a lot and he has a finance who lives here but is from Virgina. So he's not around a lot. I enjoy not having many friends outside the family. Don't get me wrong, I can easily make friends. I am the life of the party sort. Very social when I want to be. I just choose not to. Just don't want anyone to feel sorry because I am alone mostly. It's an actual choice not forced on me. I have no problem being alone with my computer, tv and my cats. And just a few close relatives to do things with. But It's really just Jen and I for the Holidays. We plan a few Broadway plays, dinner and Christmas stuff just us two. We are becoming closer. She has her friends but she enjoys making time for me.
Jen is complaining of muscle aches and spasms in her upper body starting around the middle of August. She has complained about these things all her life. She also fell down in July by the pool at her house so bad she may have bruised her kidney. She showed us a picture of the bruise. It's big but not deep looking. Looks like a bruise on her hip. Not much more. In the spring, she would randomly throw up or need to fight the urge to. It would come out of nowhere and quickly pass. This is the only new symptom. No one thinks much about it. After she died, googling it says this is a sign in women of an impending heart attack. Especially accompanied with the muscle aches and spasms in her upper chest. I sort of know this but, Jen is telling her friend some things, me some other things, and her sister other things. Only after we compared notes after she died did we get the whole picture.
Her last week, she goes to see Hugh Jackman's one man Show in NYC. After that, she barely has the energy to get out of bed any more. She even cancles a trip to see Hamilton with her gf and the woman's daughter, tow days before she dies. This is when I first become concerned. But I am only getting half the story. I am thinking it's a bad virus or something. No appetite at all. She is afraid it will make her throw up. She says throwing up is so painful in her chest and makes it hard to breathe she tries not to do it at all. She is like this for about 4 days. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. I pretty much talk to her on the phone only on the good days. Not intentionally. She barely leaves her room. We are thinking she may have covid again. As she has had it 3 times. Nothing ever serious. Just a minor cold type thing. Nephew checks on her but she tries not to let him in because often she dosn't have the strength to dress. He tries several times to get her go to the doctor. She refuses. Thinks it's just something she needs to work through as she did many times before. Finally, she agrees to go on Monday early Sunday evening, if she is not better by then. Texts with her gf up until a little after 10pm and then suddenly stops texting her back. Gf thinks she may just have fallen asleep as she is really tired.
Late morning my nephew hasn't heard from her and decides to see if she wants to go to the doctor now. Finds her laying on the floor dead. And peaceful looking. Phone and her glasses neatly placed on her bed. We think she layed on the floor because of her back spasms. I suspect she felt the need to throw up and that triggered the heart attack. No food in her stomach so nothing to throw up.
Disney is dead for me now. Pretty much xmas as well. I don't want it to be but going there or doing xmas things, why would I want to? My younger daughter now is 100% for going to Disney sooner rather than later with her family. As a tribute type of thing. Yeah, I am fine with that but I have no real emotion for it. I am sure my granddaughter will help with that and I am thinking that If I take on jens' rol with Disney for her, that my be a very good thing for me. Right now it isn't but I see that as being a light at the end of the tunnel sort of thing for me. It's too soon to be sure. I know that. And don't worry about me when I say this. I am not suicidal. Just,everything has a feeling of "whats the point?" for me right now. Everything I enjoyed doing has not joy in it right now. Ironically, things I hate doing, like cleaning, making funeral arrangements, anything I would normally hate, are the things I want to do most. I think my mind is doing that to sort of punish myself. Like those religious guys that would whip themselves because of their sins.
Now here's the thing. I started looking at Disney stuff a little but on youtube yesterday. I was avoiding it because I thought it would really make me sad. Yes, it does make me sad. But it also makes me a little joyful. Enough so I am starting to enjoy looking at that stuff again. Not so much for me. I still have that feeling of "whats the point?" if I will never go again. But What I am enjoying is imagining the other people experiencing for the first time with their families what my daughter and I Experienced. This is surprising to me because that was never a huge deal to me. Sometimes I see something my daughter and I did and it's like looking at us from the monitor for me. She is there with me again. I am like wow, where is this coming from? It's spooky sad but mostly happy. My other daughter has felt Jen has contacted her once or twice. A message popping up on youtube the other day. Something about Jen. That is now suddenly gone that she didn't know who posted it. Nothing like that for me other than a few objects in her room telling me to take them. Her glasses on her bed literally was demanding me to take them. Never really thought much about them before. Some memorabilia she had. And most strongly some xmas ornaments she never took out the box, she bought on our last trip. When she bought them it was nothing special other than, someone bumped into her right after she bought them and they fell on the floor and broke. The Disney Store just gave her new ones for free. Even though she had already bought the broken ones. I didn't even remember that until I saw the ornaments.
Anyway, thats enough for now. I would love to hear anyones Disney stories. Especially first time or bonding type things. But any at all. Even ones like mine that are sad. Or happy. Just anything really. I feel better after this so it served it's purpose. Just hope I can get the Disney feeling back for my granddaughter and be my version of Jen for her.. I think that would be so honouring.
By
My daughter was 40 and she died between late August 31st and September 1st. 5 days ago. Of a not so sudden heart Attack. Not so sudden is because after googling stuff, for over a week, she was showing signs of one coming on but no one, including her, put it all together. We thought she just had covid again. She often complained of similar symptoms her entire life. Just not all at the same time. She was texting with her best friend at 10pm on the 31st evey 10 minutes or so complaining about aches and pains and not feeling well. Then the texts just stop. Her friend thought she had fallen asleep and my nephew found her the next morning dead. I am her 65 year old dad. She lived with my nephew and his mom in a big house where she had her own big room. And she could use the entire house. She helped the mom with a lot of stuff, both personal and professional as part payment for her rent. My nephew's mom was like a second mother to her. The mom died of cancer in January and now my daughters responsibilities only increased. My daughter and I had a good relationship but not particularly close. Which is normal for my family. We would talk or text at least once a day or two but often would go months without seeing each other even though we live less than 10 miles apart. We usually saw each other more at events than just hanging out together.
My daughter was the only one in my family really into Disney. As a young boy in the 60's, Disney was not really for little boys. So, I never had a like for Disney and you might say even a slight dislike for it. But I do love amusement parks and crowds and I am very much still under 30 in my head. My daughter shared this love of youthful things maybe even more so. She loved movies and things from when she was a kid. Especially Star Wars and Back to the Future from when she was a kid. And Potter when she was older. She fell in love with Disney when all the new movies like Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin and all the other ones from Disney's resurgence in the late 80's, started coming out. Like a good dad, I took her to all of them, bought all the tapes, the dvds and she loved it. Funny, Disney didn't stick with my younger daughter, who is 5 years younger, like it did with the older one.
Anyway in the late 90's, when the younger one was over 5, Two different aunts took them on two seperate DW trips. Maybe it was 3? Yes 3 because one of her friends went on the third one. And my older daughter was hooked. When the older one was of college age, early-mid 2000's she started going on her own with friends and once in awhile by herself for at least a week. No small trip from NY. It wasn't every year but say averaged once every 3-5 years. I would never go because I had no interest to pay all that money for something I was not into. As I aged, I became more open to going and wanting to become a bit closer with my daughter, I agreed to go. Mostly because my younger daughter had moved to Florida and was getting married down there and we were turning it into a wedding celebration then 8 days at Disney with just me and her.
My older daughter was so happy. She planned the entire trip. And I dare a travel agent to do any better. She would tell me to send her "X" amount of money by this date and she took care of the rest. She made all the restaurant arrangements 2 months ahead of time. Which I would never have known to do. We bought the meal plans and she explained in great detail what we had to eat each day so we were coming out ahead on it moneywise. Our trip was planned for February 6th 2021. I remember that because the Super Bowl was the next day. Then covid hit. My younger daughter still got married but the reception had to be cancelled and they moved it up to NY 18 months later. But Disney was probably not refunding our money as the park was still open.
So, we went on the trip anyway. It was amazing. My younger daughter and her new hubby drove down from somewhere 3 hours north of Disney and spent the first 2 days with us. He hung out with one of his buddies mostly drinking at Epcot because he likes Disney cartoons even less than me. LOL. So for 2 days it was basically me and my two daughters. No problem with them drinking. But I wasn't going to drink heavily after spending all that money just not to remember it. They left late afternoon the second day and my older daughter and I went to Disney Springs, hung out shopping and stuff until the Super Bowl and watched it on a outdoor screen at the "House of Blues." The next 6 days was just her and I and we bonded so much. Second best extended time I ever had with her in my life. I am sure you can imagine, Magic Kingdom was my least favorite Park and her second favorite after Potter at Universal. I said least favorite. But I still enjoyed it a lot. Mostly because of her. She was having so much joy with all the Disney stuff I was just beginning to understand why. And, she was sharing it with me and doing everything to make it enjoyable for me. And you know what? I did. Because I saw how happy it made her. I will never enjoy the "under 13" Disney stuff for myself. I am sorry. I just don't get it. But I found I could enjoy it for the joy it brought my daughter. We had a couple of little tiffs there because she wanted to go on stuff with long lines that I had no interest in at all with. But I went to make her happy and only one was really bad. I almost went insane waiting and hour and a half to get on, "It's a small world after all" and being driven crazy by the non stop droning of that song the entire ride. If I am not mistaken, that ride was in the 64 Worlds Fair in NY? And I went on it then and hated it then too as a 4 year old. LOL. I was not happy when that was over with and acted a bit bratty about it I am afraid. I looked at it as 2 hours of wasted time we could have been doing anything else. LOL. She tried not to show her hurt but After a 10 minutes we both got over it.
She knew when to take the bus, when to take the skyline, when to walk, when to Uber. Half the time I had no idea where we were going. She just said "Don't worry about it dad. I got this." I was never disappointed with the result. I didn't even know Universal was so close to Disney and she effortlessly incorporated that into our plans. Being a huge Potter fan, of course she did. LOL. Maybe the best trip I ever had up until then. And, now we had a connection that I wanted. We could talk Disney stuff and I was really into it. Not 24/7 all the time like her. But every month or two for a week or more we would talk about the trip and start planning our next trip. Somehow, she got covid on the plane ride home and I didn't sitting right next to her. So she had to spend the next 2 weeks? Quarantined in her room. The same room my nephew found her in.
Flash forward to Thanksgiving 2023. My daughter puts down our deposits for a Thanksgiving Disney trip in 2024. I know what to expect better and can contribute more to the planning. I didn't want to really go then because it was going to cost near double the first trip to just see some phoney snowflakes fall from the sky. But I said ok because she never was there then before and she loves xmas and really wanted to go during xmas. So glad we did go then now. We chose a mixture of restaurants we would like to eat at. Some she wants to try. Some me from watching vids on youtube. Restaurants she had never eaten at before because when I go with her, every time we eat is at a reservation type restaurant. When she goes without me, she tends to only do that kind of eating once or twice because the others she is with, don't want to do that every night. But she likes doing it so she loves going with me for that reason among others. We argue about a few. I pouted about one she refuses to go to but she relented because I didn't want to do the Christmas Night event. I saw it as $200 wasted. But I agreed thinking I might never get the chance again. How right that might be.
A few months later, my younger daughter in Florida announces she is preggers. Her due date? December 1st. The last day of our planned trip to Disney. My daughter and I are obviously even more excited for the baby as we are for Disney. Also, it is clear by now my older daughter won't be having kids of he own. My younger daughter's kid was going to be hers as well in her head. Older daughter starts sending younger daughter tons of baby stuff. We go to Disney and it's even better that the first trip. Maybe because she didn't force me on "it's a Small world." LOL The Christmas Night thing was not worth it at all in my head. All the Hard and not too good cookies and luke warm hot chocolate you could want. And the right to buy overpriced food you can get no where else in the parks that is very hit or miss on how good it is. Oh, and half the park being closed because of the fireworks. But my daughter loved it and $200 is a small price to pay for the happiness she had with it. I am so glad now I did that with her as at the time it was a not great but ok memory. And now it's a great one. I had 8 great days with my daughter. This is the best trip and time I have ever had in my life. We became buddies and closer than ever before. Stuff I was ok dong the first trip but not really into, became some of the highlights of the trip. my daughter could see I was enjoying myself and she was having a really good time with me. As usual, everything planned down to the minute. A problem arose, she quickly had an alternate plan. I really can't explain how good at this she was. A perfect vacation.
We rented a car to travel the 3 hours north to my pregnant daughters house. We got there late afternoon. She was being induced in the next 24 hours so we decided to go out to eat. My son in-law and I had some drinks. Went home had a few more. Don't worry, older daughter was driving. Younger daughter comes out the bedroom. "My water just broke." My son in law and I panic. We forget Jen, my older daughter is even there. LOL. We both look at each other. We are not drunk but tipsey. Both fully capable of driving but really shouldn't. Uber never crosses our minds. We again both forgot about Jen and started to panic. Of course she drives us and many hours later I am a grandfather. Come back to New York. And We talk about the trip for weeks and start loosely planning the next one. Younger daughter dosn't want to take the baby until she is 3 or 4. This last trip was 4k each and we stayed at the second cheapest resort. Jen and I trying to figure out if we can afford another trip in between. Calculating how we can do it. Younger daughter is sometimes interested, sometimes wish we would shut up because it's so far away. As I mentioned. Younger Daughter is a casual Disney fan at best but really wants her daughter to experience it like she did. Especially with Jen, her and me.
Life goes on. Mid August comes along. Doing summer stuff. Haven't seen Jen in person since babies Christening in June. But talk and or text on phone almost every day. We can do a Disney trip in between, and start the early phases of planning the trip for xmas week next year. My wife and I barely talk and our separated for years. My other daughters in Florida. Most of family has died or moved to other states. My nephew is very busy with his career that takes him away a lot and he has a finance who lives here but is from Virgina. So he's not around a lot. I enjoy not having many friends outside the family. Don't get me wrong, I can easily make friends. I am the life of the party sort. Very social when I want to be. I just choose not to. Just don't want anyone to feel sorry because I am alone mostly. It's an actual choice not forced on me. I have no problem being alone with my computer, tv and my cats. And just a few close relatives to do things with. But It's really just Jen and I for the Holidays. We plan a few Broadway plays, dinner and Christmas stuff just us two. We are becoming closer. She has her friends but she enjoys making time for me.
Jen is complaining of muscle aches and spasms in her upper body starting around the middle of August. She has complained about these things all her life. She also fell down in July by the pool at her house so bad she may have bruised her kidney. She showed us a picture of the bruise. It's big but not deep looking. Looks like a bruise on her hip. Not much more. In the spring, she would randomly throw up or need to fight the urge to. It would come out of nowhere and quickly pass. This is the only new symptom. No one thinks much about it. After she died, googling it says this is a sign in women of an impending heart attack. Especially accompanied with the muscle aches and spasms in her upper chest. I sort of know this but, Jen is telling her friend some things, me some other things, and her sister other things. Only after we compared notes after she died did we get the whole picture.
Her last week, she goes to see Hugh Jackman's one man Show in NYC. After that, she barely has the energy to get out of bed any more. She even cancles a trip to see Hamilton with her gf and the woman's daughter, tow days before she dies. This is when I first become concerned. But I am only getting half the story. I am thinking it's a bad virus or something. No appetite at all. She is afraid it will make her throw up. She says throwing up is so painful in her chest and makes it hard to breathe she tries not to do it at all. She is like this for about 4 days. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. I pretty much talk to her on the phone only on the good days. Not intentionally. She barely leaves her room. We are thinking she may have covid again. As she has had it 3 times. Nothing ever serious. Just a minor cold type thing. Nephew checks on her but she tries not to let him in because often she dosn't have the strength to dress. He tries several times to get her go to the doctor. She refuses. Thinks it's just something she needs to work through as she did many times before. Finally, she agrees to go on Monday early Sunday evening, if she is not better by then. Texts with her gf up until a little after 10pm and then suddenly stops texting her back. Gf thinks she may just have fallen asleep as she is really tired.
Late morning my nephew hasn't heard from her and decides to see if she wants to go to the doctor now. Finds her laying on the floor dead. And peaceful looking. Phone and her glasses neatly placed on her bed. We think she layed on the floor because of her back spasms. I suspect she felt the need to throw up and that triggered the heart attack. No food in her stomach so nothing to throw up.
Disney is dead for me now. Pretty much xmas as well. I don't want it to be but going there or doing xmas things, why would I want to? My younger daughter now is 100% for going to Disney sooner rather than later with her family. As a tribute type of thing. Yeah, I am fine with that but I have no real emotion for it. I am sure my granddaughter will help with that and I am thinking that If I take on jens' rol with Disney for her, that my be a very good thing for me. Right now it isn't but I see that as being a light at the end of the tunnel sort of thing for me. It's too soon to be sure. I know that. And don't worry about me when I say this. I am not suicidal. Just,everything has a feeling of "whats the point?" for me right now. Everything I enjoyed doing has not joy in it right now. Ironically, things I hate doing, like cleaning, making funeral arrangements, anything I would normally hate, are the things I want to do most. I think my mind is doing that to sort of punish myself. Like those religious guys that would whip themselves because of their sins.
Now here's the thing. I started looking at Disney stuff a little but on youtube yesterday. I was avoiding it because I thought it would really make me sad. Yes, it does make me sad. But it also makes me a little joyful. Enough so I am starting to enjoy looking at that stuff again. Not so much for me. I still have that feeling of "whats the point?" if I will never go again. But What I am enjoying is imagining the other people experiencing for the first time with their families what my daughter and I Experienced. This is surprising to me because that was never a huge deal to me. Sometimes I see something my daughter and I did and it's like looking at us from the monitor for me. She is there with me again. I am like wow, where is this coming from? It's spooky sad but mostly happy. My other daughter has felt Jen has contacted her once or twice. A message popping up on youtube the other day. Something about Jen. That is now suddenly gone that she didn't know who posted it. Nothing like that for me other than a few objects in her room telling me to take them. Her glasses on her bed literally was demanding me to take them. Never really thought much about them before. Some memorabilia she had. And most strongly some xmas ornaments she never took out the box, she bought on our last trip. When she bought them it was nothing special other than, someone bumped into her right after she bought them and they fell on the floor and broke. The Disney Store just gave her new ones for free. Even though she had already bought the broken ones. I didn't even remember that until I saw the ornaments.
Anyway, thats enough for now. I would love to hear anyones Disney stories. Especially first time or bonding type things. But any at all. Even ones like mine that are sad. Or happy. Just anything really. I feel better after this so it served it's purpose. Just hope I can get the Disney feeling back for my granddaughter and be my version of Jen for her.. I think that would be so honouring.
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