Kids and hitting adults

[malibuconlee]

Let me start by saying I don't have any children. I'm not around children a lot, but have some really great neighbor kids and taught bible school last year to 3 year olds, and they were really good kids.

We have two nephews on DH's side of the family. We aren't around them often, we've lived in other states most of the time. We did live about 40 miles away for a little over a year (all of 2005).

The boys are 5 and 3 next week. The 5 yo I have seen hit his mother when he was younger. Not much was done about it. He was told to stop, but no time outs and certainly no spanking. He's grown out of it for the most part although he did get into trouble for hitting at school a couple of months ago.

I've seen the 2yo hit his parents in the past when he was mad. He's still doing it. It's mostly adults, and I think that's what surprises me. We were having dinner on Saturday night at DH's parents and the kids were there. they kept giving him more and more soda and at one point he gets mad about something and hits his mother. Repeatedly. It must have happened at least 4 times. She sat there and mostly took it. Just saying no.

After the mom went back to work the kids were there with their dad. He was tired and it was time to go, but he again got mad about something and DH's mom (the grandmother) picks him up and he throws this huge temper tantrum hitting HER at least 4 times, the last time with a CLOSED FIST to the face. Again nothing was done. She just holds him while he has his huge tantrum.

I said nothing during all of this. DH prefers it that way. I was so frustrated by the whole thing that after they left I said to MIL "It's the hitting that bothers me". She got mad and said "You show me a kid that doesn't hit".

DH and I had a huge hour long discussion that night when we went to bed. He agrees with me. He also thinks it's just best that we don't say anything, but something like this happens at almost every family gathering making it really uncomfortable for me. It frustrates him that the people that raised three good kids stand by and watch these things. His analogy is that they've developed this bubble around the kids, parents and grandparents where in their world it's acceptable for kids to do these things. Heck, MIL had to buy some new plastic cups because hers were packed away and when the 2yo had a fit he threw a glass across the room.

There are lots of other issues with the kids, but the hitting just really got to me this weekend. Please tell me how you have/would handle this situation. Am I unreasonable in thinking that hitting your grandmother in the face at least warrents a time out?

 

[AuntieM03]

I think there are alot of kids that don't hit. It's probably a good thing I don't have kids because if they hit me they would be knocked into tomorrow. That is a ridiculous excuse anyway.

 

[TEENEE]

You are not unreasonable at all. Let me start by saying that I understand some kids may have a medical reason that they can't cope or express themselves in an appropriate manner. However, it sounds like these kids are just out of control because they have been allowed to act like this. When or if you have children I'm sure you will teach them to behave properly. In response to your mils comment. I'll show her many kids that don't hit. I just spent the entire weekend camping with 9 children, none of them hit.

 

[froglady]

I think all toddlers/small children TRY to hit, at least once. Mine certainly did. I just grabbed those little hands, got in their face, looked them in the eye, and told them very firmly "YOU WILL NOT HIT ME." If they tried again, it was into time out.

 

[malibuconlee]

You are not unreasonable at all. Let me start by saying that I understand some kids may have a medical reason that they can't cope or express themselves in an appropriate manner. However, it sounds like these kids are just out of control because they have been allowed to act like this. When or if you have children I'm sure you will teach them to behave properly. In response to your mils comment. I'll show her many kids that don't hit. I just spent the entire weekend camping with 9 children, none of them hit.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It makes me feel better to know that my expectations are not unreasonable. The actions of these kids DO have an affect on me wanting/not wanting to have kids of my own. I know that everyone says your kids will be different because you'll raise them differently, but this family makes it seem that this is just the way kids are and that I have no patience.

Also, I guess I should have said that the nearly 3yo does have hearing aids, and doesn't have a lot of vocal expression yet, however he knows and uses sign language, at last count it was well over 100 different signs. So, he can communicate. I could understand if it was out of frustration at an inability to communicate, but it's when he's throwing a temper tantrum because he's not getting his way. The older child did that as well, and he has not speech problems.

This younger child has multiple issues and the parents seem to just let him do as he pleases. He has eating issues, meaning he only eats yogurt and American cheese slices. The family was proud that he did eat a Pop Tart Stick the other day. Every time I see him they give him pop. After he didn't eat his dinner the other night he was given a roll of Smarties to eat. He's also very small for his age.

 

[DisneyDotty]

Not all kids hit. Mine did--maybe once or twice--but quickly learned that was unacceptable behavior.
As for the Smarties, pop tarts, pop, etc--that explains a lot of the behavior issues!
My DH and I used to have lengthy discussions about how we would never raise our kids a certain way (at that time, off in the distant future!) after having spent time with our nephews. However, I am the first to admit that I ate a lot of crow after finally having some kids of my own! But I do sympathize with you for having to put up with such behavior, and it really is a shame that the grandparents don't step up and say something.

 

[budbeerlady]

Kids will try anything once. DD has never hit me. But the throwing a glass, writing on the wall, etc. It only happens once in our house & we talk about it and tell her if it happens again ever she gets a time out, a second time done and its the time out chair facing the wall for 5 min. If it happens again it is off to your room for the evening. (DD has only 1 time ever had to do this, I cannot remember why, I think she was lipping off that week) I expect that she listens if we tell her not to do something. I cannot stand kids that lip off or hit their parents, especially if the parents dont really do anything about it!!! But DD doesnt get pop, or candy for dessert. She eats what we eat or if she tries it and wont eat it she gets PB & J.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, many toddlers do start to hit. So, if it was simply one of those occasions, it would not bother me at all. However, it sounds like this is a huge status quo!!! It is not being addressed. So, you are right to feel frustrated and saddened to see this.

I will be the first to say to you DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!!! You have two preemptive marks against you already. 1.) you are the inlaw 2.) you do not have children

The other poster is right, you may end up eating a lot of crow when you have your wonderful children one day. (we all have!!! ) So, you don't want to make that a lot worse by having to eat your words as well.

I also wanted to point out that the communication thing is known to have a more major affect on frustration and behaviour than you can probably imagine. And, who knows what might be going on with the other child. Really, it is challenging enough to be raising two wonderful well-behaved children. Nobody who has not been-there-done-that can imagine the difficulties and challenges and sheer and utter exhaustion of raising special needs kids. (the old - walk a mile in those shoes....)

Just sit back, and continue to make mental notes about how you might avoid these pitfalls!!!

 

[mainewmn]

I don’t care who the kid is all kids will try to push the authority at some point in their lives. Most likely they will try it when it’s at the least convenient times, like restaurants, stores, family dinners etc. because they know that your reaction will not be as swift as one they would get at home. Having said that, each one of mine tired it and learned quickly hitting is not acceptable in my house.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Many kids will try to hit. I have 4 kids and all but one tried it at one time or another. My first was a handful and tried it one more than one occasion. No, she wasn't allowed to. We stopped her, either by holding her hands, giving her timeout, etc. She did grow out of it. Our second child didn't do it much (actually, not any that I remember, but I do remember him kicking my pregnant belly once and he got in trouble for that). Our third child never hit us. Then we had our 4th.

Everyone should have a 4th child, even if they are their 1st child. He's the child that is the true test of parenting. Jake has done things and tested me in ways that I never thought I could be tested. It's a wonder that we've both lived though it.

Yes, he's hit me. Yes, I've tried everything to teach and/or show him that hitting me wasn't going to fly. From sending him to his room, to holding his hands to hitting him back, to taking things away. One thing worked. He grew out of it. Thank goodness!

You are wise to stay out of it because nothing good will come out of you sticking your nose into something that is none of your business.

I know that I did the best that I could with my son and when I felt that I was being judged it did nothing to help the situation.

The funny thing is that he is still an handful in some ways at 6yo, but in other ways he is so delightful and enjoyable to be with. My 3rd child who was such an easy child is now an extremely moody 12yo. Still a good kid, but wow, how fast can those moods change? Funny how things change.

 

[lw49033]

Yeah...I have seen this a lot too, but you still see the "spanking teaches hitting!" chorus spouting their nonsense.

 

[RadioNate]

Many kids will try to hit. I have 4 kids and all but one tried it at one time or another. My first was a handful and tried it one more than one occasion. No, she wasn't allowed to. We stopped her, either by holding her hands, giving her timeout, etc. She did grow out of it. Our second child didn't do it much (actually, not any that I remember, but I do remember him kicking my pregnant belly once and he got in trouble for that). Our third child never hit us. Then we had our 4th.

Everyone should have a 4th child, even if they are their 1st child. He's the child that is the true test of parenting. Jake has done things and tested me in ways that I never thought I could be tested. It's a wonder that we've both lived though it.

Yes, he's hit me. Yes, I've tried everything to teach and/or show him that hitting me wasn't going to fly. From sending him to his room, to holding his hands to hitting him back, to taking things away. One thing worked. He grew out of it. Thank goodness!

You are wise to stay out of it because nothing good will come out of you sticking your nose into something that is none of your business.

I know that I did the best that I could with my son and when I felt that I was being judged it did nothing to help the situation.

The funny thing is that he is still an handful in some ways at 6yo, but in other ways he is so delightful and enjoyable to be with. My 3rd child who was such an easy child is now an extremely moody 12yo. Still a good kid, but wow, how fast can those moods change? Funny how things change.

T&B and I have discussed her 4th child before...see her 4th is just like my 1st. No one wonders why we don't have more than one. My friends call him 'instant birth control.'

Some kids are just difficult. My son, hit, kicked and still throws the mother of all temper tantrums. The poor guy has spent hours a day in time out, had nearly every last toy he owns taken away from him and he still kept at it. For him the hitting esclates when we put him in time out. He also makes him self throw up and wets himself during time out. Why, because he doesn't like time out and he knows it pushes my buttons. He doesn't care that he has to help clean it up.

Like T&B I've tried everything. And the only thing that seems to be helping is age. He's still 4 so maybe by 6, lol.

And no he doesn't get soda or candy.

In your case I'd also keep my mouth shut. Believe me, before having DS I had all the answers. Now I'm just trying to stay sane.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

In your case I'd also keep my mouth shut. Believe me, before having DS I had all the answers. Now I'm just trying to stay sane.

And for those that think that it will never happen to them, think again. My sister had one like this (her 4th). This was before I had kids and I was horrified at his behavior and I didn't tell her so, but I did dicuss him with others. He was a brat, in my opinion and it the opinion of the rest of the family. And yes, I had all the answers. I was quite the parenting expert considering I'd never had a child. Funny how I knew it all and I hadn't had children, but she couldn't figure it out even though he was her 4th. Hmmm, how exactly did that work?

Of course I got exactly what I deserved. Took lots of years, though.

My nephew is now married and is a wonderful young man. I have told my sister that he is my true hope for the future with my son. I know that things can turn around, as they have started to do. Yes, RadioNate, 4yo is a little young still to expect it (you can hope, of course ), but give him time. Like I've told you before, there were times with Jake that I really wondered why I decided to push my luck and have "one more baby". That one more felt like 1/2 a dozen!

 

[Stacey2grls]

Ok, I for one know of MANY kids that absolutely do not hit! I am one of six kids, so I have many neices and nephews. They have all been taught to never hit, unless you are absolutely forced to, to defend yourself. We are always having gatherings with the kids playing, there are 12 of them under the age of 13, spaning in ages from 1-13 and they never hit each other or their parents. Because we have all taught our children that it is absolutely unacceptable! I have 2 daughters 6 and almost 8, and they most they have done is push, and I mean a push on the shoulder, and I was all over my daughter, and let me tell you she got the picture real quick, and has not done it again. It is all about what you accept as a parent. If they is ok with you, and "oh, their just kids", than your kids might think its acceptable to hit parents or grandparents. The only acception I would make is a very young child, but, even than I say a very stern "no" til my child got the point. In my opinion alot of parents are just too lazy to repremand their children.

 

[justhat]

I have a child who is very similar to Tigger and Belle's 1st and 4th children. She's 2 and right after she started preschool in the fall she started hitting us. She was 18 months then and we stopped it pretty fast with some firm "no hitting"s. Then she turned 2 and became Miss Independent. Great in some ways cause she just pottied trained to 'do it herself', learned her to dress herself, but also not so great cause she thinks she can set her own rules sometimes and gets frustrated when she is told otherwise and has started hitting again. We tell her no in a firm voice like we did 7 months ago but that doesn't work right now. She has no fear of time out and will actually run happily to the time out carpet and announce she's in time out. We take away toys, priviledges and none of it does any good. She thinks it's very funny to hit us and when we tell her we don't think it's funny, we're not laughing cause we're upset by her hitting she responds with "Madison thinks it's funny". We are still keeping up with the punishments but we also realize at this point that the only thing that will help is her outgrowing this behavior.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

She has no fear of time out and will actually run happily to the time out carpet and announce she's in time out. We take away toys, priviledges and none of it does any good. She thinks it's very funny to hit us and when we tell her we don't think it's funny, we're not laughing cause we're upset by her hitting she responds with "Madison thinks it's funny". We are still keeping up with the punishments but we also realize at this point that the only thing that will help is her outgrowing this behavior.

That all so reminds me of how Alyssa, my firstborn, would have behaved at that age. Actually, when I saw Madison she did remind me a bit of Alyssa. And Alyssa's independent personality has persisted right into college...

Any word on where you'll be moving?

 

[justhat]

That all so reminds me of how Alyssa, my firstborn, would have behaved at that age. Actually, when I saw Madison she did remind me a bit of Alyssa. And Alyssa's independent personality has persisted right into college...

Any word on where you'll be moving?

Ah, independent children, what joys they can be to raise at times! We're hoping the boy is a little less independent in some ways cause not sure I can handle another Madison right now!

Yep, we're staying in beautiful DC for 4 more years!! We just bought a townhouse in Adams Morgan, sold our condo, and we'll be moving around mid-May. So we'll have to have another meet-and I've got a place to suggest too so let me know when you're up for it!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Ah, independent children, what joys they can be to raise at times! We're hoping the boy is a little less independent in some ways cause not sure I can handle another Madison right now!

Yep, we're staying in beautiful DC for 4 more years!! We just bought a townhouse in Adams Morgan, sold our condo, and we'll be moving around mid-May. So we'll have to have another meet-and I've got a place to suggest too so let me know when you're up for it!

I have one of those boys who is not independent, but I have a whole "nuther set of complaints about him.

That's good news about staying in DC! I'm always game for another meet! I was just in DC today. Jake and I went down--didn't have Egg Roll tickets, but still had fun in spite of the yucky weather this morning.

 

[justhat]

I thought of another "great" independence aspect my daughter has developed. In her words "No sleep!" The kid stayed up in her bed in a totally dark room, with no toys other than her best friend the stuffed alligator till 11pm last night-that's with no nap and a normal bedtime of 7:30pm. Her strong will is incredible, so I think the hitting kinda just goes in line with that.

Okay, I promise I'll stop after this cause I know it's not my thread, but T&B my friend just moved up to the townhouses next to the Gaithersburg Target so we'll be up in your area more often now. And great that you enjoyed yourself today despite the cold rainy weather. We didn't do the egg roll either and I was sad about that till I saw the rain and imagined what Madison would look like by the time we got home! Oh, and ya know, I think if all this boy does is sleep well at night sometime before he's 2 I'll be thrilled!! (And I have also gotten many kicks to the pregnant belly, though in her defense she was sleeping when she did it, but I still joke that this baby is coming out bruised!)

 

[CEDmom]

While it's not that uncommon for young children to hit when they're angry or upset it shouldn't even be tolerated. My mild-mannered DD hit me a few times when she was around 2 and she was immediately stopped and put in a time-out.

A child isn't likely to just outgrow unacceptable behavior. They need to be taught appropriate ways to deal with anger and frustration. I'm really surprised your MIL just takes it. I know my mom wouldn't put up with that nonsense from any of her grandkids.