Kevin - An Apology

[cj9200]

I worked for an organization that brought multiple lawsuites against the state of Florida against the ban. One of our clients was named foster parent of the year. They fostered 3 kids who were HIV positive. You could not have found a more loving environment. Florida is one of only (then) two states with that prohibition. Not to get political but it is a stupid law.

 

[sjsjbrook]

The conversation was about the cost of the London / Paris trip and Amanda said that it would be too expensive with 3 kids.

I dont remember my exact wording but I said something along the lines of "well...I cant have kids".

It was an off-handed comment in a chat room and being a nice person...Amanda was checking to see if it had offended me.

As I said above...it certainly wasnt offensive and there was nothing to aplogize for.

We're cool. This is a non-issue.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

wow, i did not know this, shows how ignorant I am! so how many states do NOT allow it?

Depends on what exactly you're asking.

Florida is the only state that specifically bans ANY LGBT individual from adopting a child. When you're talking about a GLBT couple, Florida, Arkansas, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, and Utah all ban adoption outright. A number of other states are not specific or unclear about the issue.

Arkansas, Florida, Missouri and Nebraska all prohibit a same sex partner from adopting their partner's natural child.

 

[sjsjbrook]

It's so wrong that same-sex couples can't adopt when there are so many children who could benefit from a good home. A high school friend of mine wrote a good article in the NY Times Magazine a few months ago about this issue (her name is Pamela Paul if anyone wants to find the article).

A loving home is a loving home whether it's a single parent or a same-sex couple, etc. We've had friends who had a more difficult time with the adoption process because they're Jewish and the birth mothers wanted the child raised in a "Christian" home. So wrong.

Amanda

I totally agree, Florida's law sucks. There as so many children who will be missing out on great loving homes.



I personally would be heart broken if my children couldn't adopt a child because of the love they had for another person.

 

[shellynn24]

I find this so sad when so many kids could use a loving home Maybe someday society will grow up and realize that everyone is capable of the same love and compasion no matter how different they are.

 

[IWISHFORDISNEY]

Joining the convo late. I too made an ouch comment last night because I also said that I would soooo be there if I didnt have little ones. Then thought ouch when I saw your post Kevin. Glad you are ok with everything. Sometimes I just dont think. I too understand because I had alot of trouble getting pregnant this time. So again sorry from me too! Even though you probably dont need it I feel better.

 

[DebºoºS]

Depends on what exactly you're asking.
Florida is the only state that specifically bans ANY LGBT individual from adopting a child. When you're talking about a GLBT couple, Florida, Arkansas, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, and Utah all ban adoption outright. A number of other states are not specific or unclear about the issue.

ANY! Is that international adoption as well? These state laws are worse than stupid, it's criminal! So many kids need a home and are suffering. I saw it first hand when I went to Russia to adopt DS, Peter.
New York turned us down because we were too old! DH was 40 and I was 39. European adoption was the only alternative.

PS
I'm turning 60 this August and DH is 61. We're celebrating 34 years of marriage next week and Peter went from being a "failure to thrive" toddler to a healthy happy HS grad last month. So, shame on US adoption agencies! What do they know?!
Sorry for the rant but I get steamed when I hear that good people are turned away from adopting.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

ANY! Is that international adoption as well? These state laws are worse than stupid, it's criminal! So many kids need a home and are suffering. I saw it first hand when I went to Russia to adopt DS, Peter.
New York turned us down because we were too old! DH was 40 and I was 39. European adoption was the only alternative.

PS
I'm turning 60 this August and DH is 61. We're celebrating 34 years of marriage next week and Peter went from being a "failure to thrive" toddler to a healthy happy HS grad last month. So, shame on US adoption agencies! What do they know?!
Sorry for the rant but I get steamed when I hear that good people are turned away from adopting.

I don't know how international adoptions work in Florida... it seems like athe government shouldn't be able to do anything about a private international adoption, but who knows? They might fail to recognize the adoption, which could cause a lot of problems, like what happened to poor Lisa Pond and her family. Inexcusable.

I'm happy to hear your son is doing well!

 

[chaoscent]

My friends had to go to Vietnam (we are from PA). They were on a list in PA for two years and kept getting rejected. When they went to Vietnam only my one friend was allowed to adopt in Vietnam as a single parent. However, now they are back home and both Mommy, Momma & Daughter are doing great. In fact she just turned 4 and we take her on her first trip to the World in Dec. Can't wait. Penny

 

[DebºoºS]

I don't know how international adoptions work in Florida... like what happened to poor Lisa Pond and her family. Inexcusable.
I'm happy to hear your son is doing well!

TU for your kind words.
What happened to Lisa Pond is horrible! Her children are now traumatized for life as well as her partner.

My friends had to go to Vietnam (we are from PA). They were on a list in PA for two years and kept getting rejected. When they went to Vietnam only my one friend was allowed to adopt in Vietnam as a single parent. However, now they are back home and both Mommy, Momma & Daughter are doing great. In fact she just turned 4 and we take her on her first trip to the World in Dec. Can't wait. Penny

Congratulations! Glad to hear they stuck with the process. It can be daunting. Your Dec. trip sounds magical. Have a great time

 

[chrisw127]

I don't know how international adoptions work in Florida... it seems like athe government shouldn't be able to do anything about a private international adoption, but who knows? They might fail to recognize the adoption, which could cause a lot of problems, like what happened to poor Lisa Pond and her family. Inexcusable.

I'm happy to hear your son is doing well!

International adoptions aren't really affected by state laws (although they do follow home study requirements, etc.), but many international countries forbid adoption by single people (which of course prohibits gays and lesbians). The other problem is that some US agencies won't work with unmarried couples (or single individuals). So even before China enacted stricter rules, unmarried people had to jump through hoops to find an agency that would work with them. Of course, now many countries are seriously restricting adoption. China doesn't want to be perceived as being unable to take care of their own, so they only allow a very small percentage of the children who are orphaned to be adopted every year even though the list to adopt is very long and in-country adoption is not very popular, which means a 3 year wait (or longer) to adopt. Even though more and more people apply, the number that are let out stays the same. On top of the restriction against unmarried people, they frown upon any history of depression or anxiety and have a BMI requirement. It's really pretty ridiculous. Russia and Eastern Europe are nearly as bad.

Okay, that kind of just depressed me.

 

[Schrute Farms]

The state of Florida doesnt allow folks like John and I to adopt.

I had no idea that was the case in Florida.

That is a shame. I have a single gay friend who doesn't have children yet, but I have no doubt he would make a wonderful father. I hope he gets the chance one day if it is his desire.

I guess I am ashamed to say I have no idea what the laws are in my state.

 

[DisneyKevin]

International adoptions aren't really affected by state laws (although they do follow home study requirements, etc.), but many international countries forbid adoption by single people (which of course prohibits gays and lesbians). The other problem is that some US agencies won't work with unmarried couples (or single individuals). So even before China enacted stricter rules, unmarried people had to jump through hoops to find an agency that would work with them. Of course, now many countries are seriously restricting adoption. China doesn't want to be perceived as being unable to take care of their own, so they only allow a very small percentage of the children who are orphaned to be adopted every year even though the list to adopt is very long and in-country adoption is not very popular, which means a 3 year wait (or longer) to adopt. Even though more and more people apply, the number that are let out stays the same. On top of the restriction against unmarried people, they frown upon any history of depression or anxiety and have a BMI requirement. It's really pretty ridiculous. Russia and Eastern Europe are nearly as bad.

Okay, that kind of just depressed me.

I'm in a stable 9 year relationship, I have stable employment, I own my home, I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont take any recreational drugs but I'm too old, too fat and too gay to be an adoptive parent and yet....there are children in the system desperate for a good home and someone to love them.

I hope that someday people see how much is wrong with this.

 

[mainegal]

I totally agree with you, Kevin.

 

[simonkodousek]

 

[*NikkiBell*]

Kevin, I've done a lot of work with foster care agencies because of a novel my students read every year. We do a big charity drive. Does the same situation hold true down there for being foster parents?

 

[DisneyKevin]

Kevin, I've done a lot of work with foster care agencies because of a novel my students read every year. We do a big charity drive. Does the same situation hold true down there for being foster parents?

Yes, unfortunately.

 

[*NikkiBell*]

That's ridiculous.

 

[DrMomof3]

I never imagined this thread would turn into such a well-informed discussion about the difficulties faced by same-sex couples who wish to become parents. Thank you everyone for sharing your knowledge and thank you Kevin for being so open to discussing this publicly.
I'm guilty of getting caught up in my own world/life experiences and had little to no understanding about these issues. For heterosexual couples with infertility there are many options available. None is easy and infertility certainly brings heartbreak to any who have experienced it. But I honestly can't imagine wanting to be a parent and facing the reality that, truly, no options are available to me.
My heart breaks not only for those like Kevin who are missing out on the life-changing experience of being a parent but also for all of the children who need good homes and are being denied loving parents because of narrow-mindedness.

Amanda

 

[FireDancer]

I'm in a stable 9 year relationship, I have stable employment, I own my home, I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont take any recreational drugs but I'm too old, too fat and too gay to be an adoptive parent and yet....there are children in the system desperate for a good home and someone to love them.

I hope that someday people see how much is wrong with this.

That really is a shame Kevin. I did know that there were states that didn't allow gay couples to adopt as a couple but didn't realize there were still laws that kept a gay individual from adopting on their own.

I have a feeling at some point in the (hopefully) not to distant future our children's generation can look back at the present in the same way we look back at the civil rights movement on the 1960's. There really are so many parallels. Sometimes I am shocked at our collective inability to learn from history.