Keeping maiden name when marrying

[robinb]

I was talking about thread with my DBF and asked him his opinion. He feels that if a woman wants to keep her last name (and there is nothing wrong with that he says) she should be the one to go out and buy her own ring.

Oh honey you're so lucky! He's a keeper .

 

[bellebud]

Yes it is my maiden name in her birth certificate.

I really would like to take his last name, But it almost seems impossible with passports, professional licenses, school kids knowing my daughter by her name ect..

It's not impossible, but it is some work. BUT if this is what you really want, the 'work' will be worth it.

My mother added a middle name for me when I was 5yo. I came home from K crying because I was the only one w/out a middle name. She had to file papers with a court and pay something like $500 (which was alot back in '73), but she officially changed it on my birth certificate.

So this CAN all be done if it's what you really want, probably just some legwork, paperwork, some time and maybe some money(?)

What does dd think???

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I'm intrigued that your DBF equates taking his name as something that is "up for sale" though. It's like your last name is worth X amount, and if he pays up, you'll toss it away. What is the asking price for him to assume your last name when you get married?

I would be willing to bet that this interpretation is off base. Sounds to me like he was really inferring that some women want to walk in both worlds - the old world in which men were the provider, and the new world in which women are equals. They want to keep some traditions, and are insulted by others (even if no insult is intended).

Men struggle with this. I know that I do. In my previous job, I was actually reported to HR for holding a door open for a woman. Seriously. Thank goodness I had other female employees come to my defense, as I hold the door open for anyone who comes behind me. But, is it wrong to hold a door open for women only? Is that sexist, or just the thing that gentlemen are expected to do? I can tell you that I was really worried about my job - all because one person was insulted by my courtesy.

You clearly want to be considered an equal in every way - the good and bad. I applaud that. You don't think that women have reached that goal in our society. I agree. But you should know that there are men out there who support your fight, but who would also like to share a last name with their spouse, or hold open doors for them, or provide for them. Not because we think that men are better than women in any way, but because we love our wives, daughters, sisters and mothers - and this is the way that we have been taught to show it.

I suspect that this will get better as future generations see that women want to do all of these things for the men in their lives - that it has nothing to do with sex - but it won't happen overnight. And, in spite of everything that we try to change, men and women will always be different. That is driven by biology.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I was talking about thread with my DBF and asked him his opinion. He feels that if a woman wants to keep her last name (and there is nothing wrong with that he says) she should be the one to go out and buy her own ring.

LOL Hey he has a point!

 

[palavra]

It really should be a non-issue between husband and wife or partners only.

A friend of mine married later in life and is a university professor. She didn't give up her maiden name because she was already established as Dr. _________.

For me, I love the connection that my husband's last name gives to our family. I like to be able to say the Brown family or Smith family. It's just a name and doesn't really bring us any closer, but it helps me feel that we are a unit, not just plural individuals bit a singular family.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

I'm intrigued that your DBF equates taking his name as something that is "up for sale" though. It's like your last name is worth X amount, and if he pays up, you'll toss it away. What is the asking price for him to assume your last name when you get married?

I think it goes the other way, too. I know lots of women who want a big expensive diamond ring. Not to put a dollar sign on themselves but to say if he loves me he'll show it by blinking me up so I can feel like a princess!

 

[Ember]

I would be willing to bet that this interpretation is off base. Sounds to me like he was really inferring that some women want to walk in both worlds - the old world in which men were the provider, and the new world in which women are equals. They want to keep some traditions, and are insulted by others (even if no insult is intended).

Men struggle with this. I know that I do. In my previous job, I was actually reported to HR for holding a door open for a woman. Seriously. Thank goodness I had other female employees come to my defense, as I hold the door open for anyone who comes behind me. But, is it wrong to hold a door open for women only? Is that sexist, or just the thing that gentlemen are expected to do? I can tell you that I was really worried about my job - all because one person was insulted by my courtesy.

You clearly want to be considered an equal in every way - the good and bad. I applaud that. You don't think that women have reached that goal in our society. I agree. But you should know that there are men out there who support your fight, but who would also like to share a last name with their spouse, or hold open doors for them, or provide for them. Not because we think that men are better than women in any way, but because we love our wives, daughters, sisters and mothers - and this is the way that we have been taught to show it.

I suspect that this will get better as future generations see that women want to do all of these things for the men in their lives - that it has nothing to do with sex - but it won't happen overnight. And, in spite of everything that we try to change, men and women will always be different. That is driven by biology.

You may be right, but the PP's boyfriend did make it sound like a woman's last name is something that is up for sale. It's a transaction, where he buys her a ring and she drops her last name and takes his. My name is worth a lot more than a ring.

In a fair world, I would have been reported to HR, too. I always hold the door open for anyone behind me. As I said previously, that's just manners. I'm sorry you got stuck on the receiving end reverse-sexism, though. I would take the stance that it is wrong to only hold the door for women, though. Basic courtesies should not be gender based.

Feminism is not always a good thing, and it can be taken too far. I don't call myself a feminist, because I believe in equality, not just rights for women. I was recently involved heavily in the issue of the basic assumption the a child always stays with the mother in the case of divorce. (From an academic standpoint, not a legal battle.)

You're right that woman will always be different, this is just basic biology. But to use that as an excuse to deny women equality is wrong. (Which is not to imply that this is what you're doing, because it clearly isn't.) There will always be areas where men dominate. Firefighting is a great example of this. Men are much more likely to have the strength to do this job properly. I would never expect the gender ratio of firefighters to be 50-50. But what I do demand is that if a woman does have the strength to do the job, that she be allowed to do so. Equal access does not equate to equal numbers. Biology means that many woman may not be able to do the job, it does not mean that no women will.

 

[Ember]

I think it goes the other way, too. I know lots of women who want a big expensive diamond ring. Not to put a dollar sign on themselves but to say if he loves me he'll show it by blinking me up so I can feel like a princess!

You're on to a whole other can of worms. Men are hardly exempt from material gratification... Besides, anyone, man or woman, who thinks that a ring = love should probably not be getting married.

 

[Disney Doll]

I had no idea that there were such strong emotions attached to a name!

For me personally, I had no problem with my maiden name. Love my father, am proud to be his daughter etc. I took my husband's name when we married because we are both traditional in that sense. I didn't feel like chattel. I didn't feel like I was giving up my identity, since I am so much more than my name. I didn't feel like I was taking 12 steps back in the cause of womanhood.

My DH & I never did that "tit for tat" thing...ie-"if you don't want to take my name then buy your own ring". Truthfully, if someone said that to me, I wouldn't marry them because they are clearly a petty, score-keeping type of person and that does not bode well for a marriage, which is give and take, with one spouse sometimes giving 90% while the other gives 10% and vice versa, depending on the situation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Interesting that many "professionals" keep their own names based on credentials, etc. I wonder about the unspoken financial connection - professional women presumably have financial independence (or at least the potential) and therefore may feel more free to assert their independence to begin with. (I'd include even those professionals who choose to stay at home, knowing they have the freedom to return to a professional job to support themselves if need be.)

Anyway, just wanted to report that I am an Equal Opportunity Door Holder. I hold doors open for WHOEVER is behind me, man or woman, child or adult, baby carriage or wheelchair, whatever. It's basic manners.

I also would be happy to buy my own ring. To me, though, it's a moot point since in effect, the couples' finances are going to be indirectly affected by that purchase one way or the other so basically, it boils down to simply being symbolic. I'd also argue that many of today's women probably at least contribute to the initial purchase anyway.

Oh, and yes, I also enjoy Fox news as well.

 

[disney11fan]

alot of great replies but i still believe in the name change. one couple ...one family and one name.


and yes i still like and watch fox news...fair and balanced. i was the poster that metioned fox news and an indvidual diden't like it.

thanks to all that like fox news and some great replies both pro and con re name change.

 

[NotUrsula]

Anyway, just wanted to report that I am an Equal Opportunity Door Holder. I hold doors open for WHOEVER is behind me, man or woman, child or adult, baby carriage or wheelchair, whatever. It's basic manners.

It is, but when a man holds open a door for another man to preceed him, there may also be a power play at work. When one man holds a door open for another to pass through first, or even gestures for the other to go first, the one coming through last takes the dominant position and appears to be the host, even if he isn't. I saw a fascinating series of photos not long ago that showed how US Presidents tend to use this as a way to assert dominance when meeting with other national leaders. Next time you see two national leaders entering a building together, watch how they jockey for the last-in position; it's fascinating to watch. There's a particularly famous photo of Clinton, Arafat and Ehud Barak at the 2000 Camp David Summit that illustrates it. It was after they came out to speak to the press, and were headed back inside. Clinton is standing in the doorway holding the door open, and Barak has Arafat's arm in a tight grip and is trying to force him to go through the door first under the guise of "helping" him over the steps. You can see in Arafat's face that he does not want to concede and go first. Clinton is holding the door AND towering over the other two men; it's a really interesting tableau.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

It is, but when a man holds open a door for another man to preceed him, there may also be a power play at work. When one man holds a door open for another to pass through first, or even gestures for the other to go first, the one coming through last takes the dominant position and appears to be the host, even if he isn't. I saw a fascinating series of photos not long ago that showed how US Presidents tend to use this as a way to assert dominance when meeting with other national leaders. Next time you see two national leaders entering a building together, watch how they jockey for the last-in position; it's fascinating to watch. There's a particularly famous photo of Clinton, Arafat and Ehud Barak at the 2000 Camp David Summit that illustrates it. It was after they came out to speak to the press, and were headed back inside. Clinton is standing in the doorway holding the door open, and Barak has Arafat's arm in a tight grip and is trying to force him to go through the door first under the guise of "helping" him over the steps. You can see in Arafat's face that he does not want to concede and go first. Clinton is holding the door AND towering over the other two men; it's a really interesting tableau.

I've seen that too, it's pretty interesting.

However, I'm also still an equal-opportunity door holder. Sometimes people are really suprised that you're doing it and you get an actual, genuine smile and sincere thanks. It's a nice thing.

 

[bettymae1121]

I do think it's just easier for a couple to have the same last name. I don't think it matters who's last name it is (his or hers), or even a new name for both (a co-worker of mine did that, they didnt' like either of their last names so they picked a brand new one!). I think what matters is that all involved are happy with whatever choice is made. If a couple decide they each want to keep their own name, it's all good!

 

[jodifla]

I do think it's just easier for a couple to have the same last name. I don't think it matters who's last name it is (his or hers), or even a new name for both (a co-worker of mine did that, they didnt' like either of their last names so they picked a brand new one!). I think what matters is that all involved are happy with whatever choice is made. If a couple decide they each want to keep their own name, it's all good!

You know what, it's really not a big deal at all to have more than one name in a family.

The only time I every had any trouble with it was when I was trying to check into our hotel room (My husband had arrived earlier, and was out). They didn't want to let me in because I wasn't on the reservation.....But when I showed them our checkbook, with both our names on it, they gave me a key.

 

[perdidochas]

I am seriously considering keeping my maiden name when I get married. Have not yet had this discussion with my fiance.

Has anyone done this, what was you experience?

A little more info. I am marrying the father of my child who is 12. I got pregnant when in the military overseas and time/fate is working out now that he can join us in the US and we can get married. Everyone knows my daughter by my maiden name, everything I own is in my maiden name (obviously) etc..... We are not plan on having any more children. Just a little more info.

Depending on the state, he can take your name.

When getting my marriage license in GA, my fiance noticed that option. I think if she had known it months before, I might now be going by her maiden name

 

[Mrs.Toad]

LOL My DH bought my ring, but I bought him a piano. So we exchanged engagement gifts. Because I thought it was pretty unfair that a man had the expectation/responsibility of being the only one spending money on an engagement.

I bought my husband an engagment watch.

I haven't chimed in yet. I took my husbands name. Although I was a professional with initials behind my name, it wasn't that big of a hassle to me to change my name everywhere I needed to, and I wanted us all to have the same last name. Not that it's that big of a hassle to have a family with different names, but it's just what I wanted. It probably helped that my maiden name was unusual and I was sick of repeating and spelling and pronouncing it for everybody and happy to get a nice, easy common name.

Dh didn't care one way or the other. Well, he preferred that we have the same name, but would have considered taking mine or hyphenating them both. Many women keep their birth names upon marriage these days, especially professional women and if my dh had had a huge problem with women who do it, he probably wouldn't be my husband, because I can imagine that he would also have old-fashioned, controlling ideas on other subjects, as well.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Depending on the state, he can take your name.

When getting my marriage license in GA, my fiance noticed that option. I think if she had known it months before, I might now be going by her maiden name

Wouldn't a man be able to do this in any state? Maybe not as part of the marriage license, but anyone can petition the court and change his name any time, can't he?

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

You're on to a whole other can of worms. Men are hardly exempt from material gratification... Besides, anyone, man or woman, who thinks that a ring = love should probably not be getting married.

Sorry, one can of worms at a time!

 

[NotUrsula]

Wouldn't a man be able to do this in any state? Maybe not as part of the marriage license, but anyone can petition the court and change his name any time, can't he?

I suspect she meant without having to pay court costs.