Keeping maiden name when marrying

[denisenh]

i think that it is a personal decision.

Many, many moons ago, when i married, i kept my maiden name. I intend to have the name that i was given the day i was born for my entire life.

I DO answer and do not feel slighted or insulted when some calls me Mrs. Myhusbandslastname.

More often though, my husband is called Mr. Mylastname.

All of our children have my husbands last name as hyphenated last names are unnecessary in my opinion.

 

[denisenh]

Then why do women want to get married to a guy but not take his last name. If you want your own name then just live together as i stated earlier. Why are women so touchy over this. No one is trying to own anyone by using your husbands last name. In the u.s. This is how it['s done.

Another pet peeve of mine. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the same last name. Nothing more or less.

or ....... maybe both.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

What is the problem with FOX news? We have watched them for years and they seem to to a nice job. The coverage on the Egypt matter is excellent.

I love FoxNews.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

It's becoming increasingly not the norm, fortunately. It's an old custom based on a woman being chattel.

I'm wondering why you think it's "fortunate" that's becoming the norm to keep your maiden name?

 

[Ember]

It's becoming increasingly not the norm, fortunately. It's an old custom based on a woman being chattel.

Sadly, this is not true. Only 5 to 10 percent of women keep the name they were born with when they marry.

The Lucy Stone League is an organization dedicated to raising awareness of what they call name choice freedom. They promote the idea that name choice decisions made by wife and husband should be free of traditional sexist requirements and should be made freely by each person.

Named after a 19th century figure in the abolition and women's rights movement, the League sees this decision as a politically-charged issue with far-reaching consequences:

This tradition of name-abandonment by women is so much a part of U.S. culture, that few recognize it for what it is: a powerful instance of sex discrimination which has a major effect on women.

When girls are growing up, they see what they have to look forward to: the abandonment of their identity into the identity of another. What incentive do they have to develop their full identities in their adolescence?

In some prison cultures, inmates are given numbers and their names are taken from them. One purpose of this practice is to strip away a sense of importance and humanity from the inmates....the tradition of women giving up their names is equally damning.


​

They do not promote NOT changing your name, but they do seek to change the naming practices at marriage and at birth to a non-sexist tradition where the burden of name changes, if any, are shared by men and women; and the source of naming of children is shared by mothers and fathers.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

Sadly, this is not true. Only 5 to 10 percent of women keep the name they were born with when they marry.

Why is it sad that women take their husband's name? I truly don't understand why you and another poster feel this way.

 

[bellebud]

so back to the OP's situation...

you have a very different thing going on than most of us.

I think I'd make the decision with your dd. It's been the 2 of you for 12 years, correct? Maybe you both take his last name, or maybe you both don't.

I tried to read through the whole thread, but was late coming into it and may have missed if you already posted about this. What are dd's thoughts?

 

[Ember]

Why is it sad that women take their husband's name? I truly don't understand why you and another poster feel this way.

See my above post. I agree with The Lucy Stone League that the unthinking custom of woman changing their names is a powerful instance of sex discrimination. Until naming practices are equal, women will not be considered equal to men.

There's a great book called The Language of Names, What we call ourselves and why it matters by Justin Kaplan and Anne Bernays that looks at this very issue.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

so back to the OP's situation...


I think I'd make the decision with your dd. It's been the 2 of you for 12 years, correct? Maybe you both take his last name, or maybe you both don't.

What are dd's thoughts?

I think this is a great idea!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Sadly, this is not true. Only 5 to 10 percent of women keep the name they were born with when they marry.

You mean in the U.S., I assume.

 

[Ember]

You mean in the U.S., I assume.

Yes. I should have been specific. Although I believe the statistics are very similar in Canada.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

See my above post. I agree with The Lucy Stone League that the unthinking custom of woman changing their names is a powerful instance of sex discrimination. Until naming practices are equal, women will not be considered equal to men.

Oh, excuse me.


What about that women have the choice to keep their name or not? It's not like the chattel times anymore. I like it that I freely took my husband's name. I feel like I want us all (husband, wife, kids) to have the same last name. I wouldn't have wanted him to take my name because I like keeping with tradition, unless it harmful of course. I just like it that we're free to choose what to do about this and not forced either way. I'm not trying to convince anyone that my feeling is best for everyone, I just wanted to explain why I made my choice.

I don't know if what you said is true, that women won't be considered equal until they all start to keep their own last names. Maybe it is, but in my heart I think it's more the way women behave that will make us equal to men. If we act subservient, we'll be treated as subservient. If we act independent, we'll be treated as independent. A name isn't what defines you to the world. A name is a personal thing, and in marriage a personal choice.

But thank you for the Lucy Stone League info. It's very thought-provoking.

 

[Ember]

Oh, excuse me.


What about that women have the choice to keep their name or not? It's not like the chattel times anymore. I like it that I freely took my husband's name. I feel like I want us all (husband, wife, kids) to have the same last name. I wouldn't have wanted him to take my name because I like keeping with tradition, unless it harmful of course. I just like it that we're free to choose what to do about this and not forced either way. I'm not trying to convince anyone that my feeling is best for everyone, I just wanted to explain why I made my choice.

I don't know if what you said is true, that women won't be considered equal until they all start to keep their own last names. Maybe it is, but in my heart I think it's more the way women behave that will make us equal to men. If we act subservient, we'll be treated as subservient. If we act independent, we'll be treated as independent. A name isn't what defines you to the world. A name is a personal thing, and in marriage a personal choice.

But thank you for the Lucy Stone League info. It's very thought-provoking.

Having the choice is what's most important, I agree with you. However, it's equally, if not more important, the the choice be free of pressure because then it's not really a choice. I don't think women should automatically take the stance of not changing their names any more than it should be an assumption that they will do so. What I would like to see happen is that it be an issue that is thought about seriously, rather than unthinkingly and blindly following tradition.

I strongly believe that it is an issue of discrimination. But it's an easy one to ignore, to brush under the carpet and view as harmless. But as long as there are men who would refuse to change their name because it somehow diminishes them as a person, or men who would refuse to marry if their woman refused to accede to assuming their name, then it's an issue of gender inequality. It's subtle and insidious, which makes it all the more hard to fight.

I would 100% support your right to choose and your choice to take your husband's name. But these are the reasons I am so strongly against the tradition in general.

 

[Northstar]

so back to the OP's situation...

you have a very different thing going on than most of us.

I think I'd make the decision with your dd. It's been the 2 of you for 12 years, correct? Maybe you both take his last name, or maybe you both don't.

I tried to read through the whole thread, but was late coming into it and may have missed if you already posted about this. What are dd's thoughts?

Yes, the OP has a different thing going on, with a 12-year-old daughter with whom she shares a surname.

OP, whatever you decide to do yourself about your name, you don't have the option of simply changing your daughter's last name to your new husband's when you marry, even if he is her father. You say she "is known by" your maiden name... do you mean that is what is on her birth certificate? Because if it is, you'll have to go to court to change it.

It's definitely something you'll need to talk about with your fiance. And do make him aware of how much work is involved in changing your name. With at least 12 years of adult life, including raising a daughter, behind you, you will have a lot of documents, accounts, etcetera to change.

I do understand the point of view of the men on this thread who have said it's a tradition that's important to them. I don't think they're aware, however, of how difficult it is to change your name after years of living as an independent adult. Not at all the same thing as marrying right out of school... at that point in my life, I would have had maybe 5 important things to change over. Now, I'd be writing letters for 2 months, then a few months later, more letters for the accounts and things I'd forgotten, and then a few months later, more letters for the documents and accounts that messed up the change.

Good luck to the OP... and it's been entertaining reading the spirited discussion from everybody.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Yes. I should have been specific. Although I believe the statistics are very similar in Canada.

I would imagine it would be higher in Canada since women in Quebec keep their names when they are married.

 

[castmemberb4]

I did both, I've gone though life being called by my middle name.
When i got maried, I poudly took DHs last name and used my
maiden name as my midddle name. Even My SScard no longer has my
'real' fist name on it.

 

[kmccain]

WOW This thread has surprised me. I thought i was a minority because i didn't change my name.

I took my first husbands' name but we were only married for a short time so i paid to have my name changed back.

When i got married the second time, just before the ceremony the Pastor asked me if i was going to change my name. I said no! I really didn't think i had a choice but i did! I am not sorry either.

In my small town i was always my fathers daughter. He didn't have any boys so it was my way of carrying on his name for as long as i could. There is no need for us girls to lose our identity or our good name!

My husband made sure his kids had his name when they were born.

I don't have a problem when people, like his mother, address stuff to Mrs. Hislastname. I think I am Mrs. Hislastname but i am also My name.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I was talking about thread with my DBF and asked him his opinion. He feels that if a woman wants to keep her last name (and there is nothing wrong with that he says) she should be the one to go out and buy her own ring.

 

[Redone]

Yes, the OP has a different thing going on, with a 12-year-old daughter with whom she shares a surname.

OP, whatever you decide to do yourself about your name, you don't have the option of simply changing your daughter's last name to your new husband's when you marry, even if he is her father. You say she "is known by" your maiden name... do you mean that is what is on her birth certificate? Because if it is, you'll have to go to court to change it.

It's definitely something you'll need to talk about with your fiance. And do make him aware of how much work is involved in changing your name. With at least 12 years of adult life, including raising a daughter, behind you, you will have a lot of documents, accounts, etcetera to change.

I do understand the point of view of the men on this thread who have said it's a tradition that's important to them. I don't think they're aware, however, of how difficult it is to change your name after years of living as an independent adult. Not at all the same thing as marrying right out of school... at that point in my life, I would have had maybe 5 important things to change over. Now, I'd be writing letters for 2 months, then a few months later, more letters for the accounts and things I'd forgotten, and then a few months later, more letters for the documents and accounts that messed up the change.

Good luck to the OP... and it's been entertaining reading the spirited discussion from everybody.

Yes it is my maiden name in her birth certificate.

I really would like to take his last name, But it almost seems impossible with passports, professional licenses, school kids knowing my daughter by her name ect..

 

[Ember]

I was talking about thread with my DBF and asked him his opinion. He feels that if a woman wants to keep her last name (and there is nothing wrong with that he says) she should be the one to go out and buy her own ring.

LOL My DH bought my ring, but I bought him a piano. So we exchanged engagement gifts. Because I thought it was pretty unfair that a man had the expectation/responsibility of being the only one spending money on an engagement. That said, I would have been perfectly content without an engagement ring. That we could afford (save up for) one was just a perk.

I'm intrigued that your DBF equates taking his name as something that is "up for sale" though. It's like your last name is worth X amount, and if he pays up, you'll toss it away. What is the asking price for him to assume your last name when you get married?