just venting -- in laws expecting anniversary party $$$$$$$ and a problem sibling

[Grumpy's Gal]

OK, it's late and I'm just venting to get this off my chest before I try to go to sleep.

The inlaws are having a 50th anniversary in a year and a half. So we have some time..........

The inlaws have been gushing about every anniv party they go to of their friends.

With so many people divorced these days, I am thrilled they are still together. They deserve a party!! They are nice people.

They have four grown, working children. All of the children have spouses. All of the children have small children of their own at home. No one is rolling in the dough. I am confident we can plan a party on a very reasonable budget.

We are just starting to plan. Even before we start, we know one of the children will either refuse to contribute to the cost of the party or will agree and then at the last minute make excuses about why he can't come up with the money. (most likely the last.) It's always the same story -- different day. Know what I mean? We have seen this over and over.

Advice please!!!!! I do not want this party to come between the kids. I just read a thread about a potential problem between siblings over a will and this is only a party! But this one sibling always causes problems.......

Have you all been in a situation like this? Advice? If three siblings say they want white cake, the 4th will insist on choc.If three siblings say they want wine, the 4th will insist beer, If three siblings say they want beer, the 4th will insist on wine, If three siblings say they want an indoor party, the 4th will insist on an outdoor party, If three siblings say they want a Saturday party, the 4th will insist on a Friday party. See what I mean?

Thank you for advice and for letting me vent.

 

[smidgy]

one suggestion:
instead of deciding the ins and outs of the party, FIRST decide on the amount all 4 are willing to spend.
then collect that amount by a certain date, to put into a "pool".
now, no matter if it is white or choc cake, beer or wine, the amount is already decided and paid.
good luck to you.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

one suggestion:
instead of deciding the ins and outs of the party, FIRST decide on the amount all 4 are willing to spend.
then collect that amount by a certain date, to put into a "pool".
now, no matter if it is white or choc cake, beer or wine, the amount is already decided and paid.
good luck to you.

thank you. I'll see what DH thinks about that. I'm just afraid the 4th sibling will say "nothing - I can contribute nothing" like usual because he knows we won't leave him out. This has happened over and over and then he goes and buys a big screen tv or something expensive while someone else picks up the tab.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

one suggestion:
instead of deciding the ins and outs of the party, FIRST decide on the amount all 4 are willing to spend.
then collect that amount by a certain date, to put into a "pool".
now, no matter if it is white or choc cake, beer or wine, the amount is already decided and paid.
good luck to you.

This is a great idea.

 

[Katy Belle]

one suggestion:
instead of deciding the ins and outs of the party, FIRST decide on the amount all 4 are willing to spend.
then collect that amount by a certain date, to put into a "pool".
now, no matter if it is white or choc cake, beer or wine, the amount is already decided and paid.
good luck to you.

This is what I was going to suggest as well. AND... have your MIL make all the decisions such as type of cake, etc.

Honestly...if you know he won't contribute... plan it like he won't. Plan to divide by 3 rather than 4. Then you won't have any surprises.

Is there any WORK that he could do, to be his contribution? Like put together the slide show, decorate the room, send out the invitations...stuff like that? If he and his family did most of the work it would help even things out.

I had another thought... you have 18 months... you could have everyone contribute montly... if you need $4000 for the party, it would be about $55 a person per month. Perhaps he would do that?

Good luck!

 

[smidgy]

If the one can't agree, then invite him, and leave his name off the "given by" portion of the invitation.
take into consideration everyon'es finances, income, etc., (the 3 of you) and ask him/her if he wants in or not. if not, you will have to scale down the party, and he will be a guest, not a host. it's not worth the aggravation.
(to me $4000 is a bit hefty, but whatever your amount, you might have to "leave him out". letting him "do the work" sounds like a compromise, but if it's a compromise that works, so be it, if you can live with it.) it just sounds like he probably won't do that either.

 

[pyrxtc]

How about " I would like to plan a party for their anniversary, If anyone would like to contribute financially to it, that would be great. I will find the hall and get the food and set everything up so no one else has to do anything but will "sign the card" by those who contributed." This way they do not have to make all the decisions and you won't be waiting on e-mail before you can decide what kind of cake to order. I'm sure it will have multiple layers so one can be vanilla and one chocolate. In the time you have to plan, you can even talk with the the parents and figure out what flavors they like and order the cake in those flavors. I know my mother doesn't eat cake much but make her a banana cream cake and she is in heaven and will eat the whole thing. It's much easier for one person to make all the little decisions and just provide receipts to show where the money was spent.

 

[brymolmom]

I would discreetly (without the others knowing) make some calls to get an idea of what you would 'need' for a budget amount for the party. Be sure to get a good range. Then sit down with all sibs/spouses and make sure to let them know that the reason you're getting together is to discuss 50th ann party.

Anyway - describe the calls you made for 'research' and then present what you think would be the workable 'budget'. See if everyone agrees to contribute. If the one sib refuses - not much you can do. If you want to have the party anyway - you need to just split the cossts 3 ways. It MIGHT make it easier in the end because if that sib isn't paying - well then he does not have ANY input into decision making either. So look at it as an 'opportunity' even tho it will end up costing the other 3 more $$$. What you MIGHT be able to do if he can't contribute cash is ask for other things - like setup or cleanup on the day of the party or doing the invitations (HUGE PAIN and will save you a ton of time). That would at least give you more 'hands' to tackle tasks.

THEN, IF everyone agrees to contribute (or just talking to those who do) I would ask for money upfront. Like ask for $100 this month and then another $100 in June (or similar) - to handle things like deposits, etc. Do this every couple of months until you have at least 1/2 of what you need covered. Then tell them you'll gather all receipts and give a 'final' total after the party. Don't forget to add in gratuities that you'll need to pay that night. Also - if you are goign to do a gift in addition to the party from all of you - add that in too.

This way if anyone refuses to pay at the end - at least you have SOME of it upfront.

But honestly I would just plan in my head to be doing the party between the 3 siblings you think will do so. That will save a lot of aggravation.

 

[Irin997]

My mother planned a surprise 50th anniversary party for my grandparents and she has 2 siblings. She basically said about 2 years before hand, I'm planning a party for mom & dad, if you want to contribute, great, if not, we're doing it anyway.

The only contributions she received were from my granddad's sister and she paid for the floral centerpieces (which were beautiful!). All in all, my mom said the total cost was about $7k and she and my dad foot the entire bill. But she knew they wouldn't contribute and she was ok with that. I mean, she was still P-O'd about it, but she knew it was going to be like that.

 

[mom2d&b]

It may not be an option in you situation but instread of a party for my parents 50th, we have decided to plan a family vacation. I live in FL, sister in MI, and brother in NH. Not sure exactly where we will go but it i now in the planning stages. We will all pay for our own family and we will split the cost of my parents portion. We are planning this as a surprise for my parents.
In this case, if a sibling does not pay for their family, they don't go.

 

[wdwfan16]

Get all the money up front and then plan what you have money for.

 

[annsteere]

My parents and my in laws celebrated their 50'th anniversaries the same week! Wonderful/crazy.

We let each set of parents set the tone for their own celebration. They ended up being very different. His parents had about 150 guests for buffet in the church basement. Mine had just our family for a day of adventures in Chicago including sailing on a yacht, dim sum, 3D imax and a very personal time of sharing and blessing.

You need to let your in-laws be the force behind questions about how to celebrate. Give them a general zone as far as budget (based on discussion with the siblings and assuming you-know-who won't actually contribute) and then listen to how they would like to mark the day.

 

[lurkernj]

My in-laws 50th is coming up in October. MIL has been saying for two years that she wants to take the whole family on a cruise to celebrate (yes, she wants to pay for it, in fact, she insists). There are 4 children who are all married, and 16 grandchildren. She saved $25k for this event. We had discussed doing the cruise in the summer when all the kids were out of school/college. My SIL chose the date as her college kids take summer classes, so it was decided we would go 7/25. We would do a local port to avoid airfare, so a ship was chosen between myself, SIL, and MIL.

Well, come December we were ready to book, and one BIL announces they won't be going because they won't leave their dog for a week (they have no children, this dog even has his own playroom and bedroom, birthday parties, etc). SIL says she has to check with her kids to see who wants to go and if anyone is bringing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Now we are at the end of January, ship is starting to book up and there are no blocks of rooms available, only individual rooms scattered about the ship. MIL and I decide we are booking, other BIL is good to go, so we book for 11 of us(at various parts of the ship) and let the others know we booked. SIL decides her kids (all 5 of them) are going to be bored and they are not going to go (although I heard rumor through a friend that they are looking at a Christmas cruise with another family). When I mentioned the summer cruise to my nephews, they had no idea we were even going on a cruise, so she apparently never asked them.

My in-laws are the most selfless people I have ever met. They are not wealthy, but always do for their kids/grandkids (MIL even sends orange juice to my house weekly, for her son, and bakes him homemade bread). I was uncomfortable having her pay for our cruise, as we can afford it ourselves, but she is insistant, as she has been saving for this for years, and wrote the check out to cover everyone. I am very disappointed in SIL and BIL, as I feel they are being very selfish.

Sorry I guess I went off on a rant, but there is just no pleasing everyone, and most families have some type of issues.

 

[wgwtgb]

If the one can't agree, then invite him, and leave his name off the "given by" portion of the invitation.
take into consideration everyon'es finances, income, etc., (the 3 of you) and ask him/her if he wants in or not. if not, you will have to scale down the party, and he will be a guest, not a host. it's not worth the aggravation.
(to me $4000 is a bit hefty, but whatever your amount, you might have to "leave him out". letting him "do the work" sounds like a compromise, but if it's a compromise that works, so be it, if you can live with it.) it just sounds like he probably won't do that either.

I totally agree with this. I've learned in life that some people just won't do what they can even when they can. You can't change them... you can only do what you know is right and feel good about yourself afterwards. This is exactly what I would do!!!

 

[budbeerlady]

No $, no opinion.....

 

[MarilIncredible]

No $, no opinion.....

This is my opinion, too. If the sibling who always conflicts with the majority choice is the non-payer, I'd tell him/her that s/he is free to buy what they want and contribute it to the party, but otherwise the paying siblings have a say over the choices and he doesn't.

And, I'd really make sure the choices are all ones that the guests of honor will enjoy above and beyond what any of the siblings want. For example, I know my paretns love sangria, while I prefer wine and DH prefers beer. If I was planning a party for my parents, I'd make sure sangria was available before my wine or hubby's beer.

 

[mousey]

I'm going to be stuck in the same situation this August. My MIL's 80th birthday and she keeps begging and telling everyone I hope someone is throwing me a party.
A little history--this woman plans a party for herself every year. She has 11 grandchildren but only one who is 30 and living with her is recognized. 3 of them she has no contact with due to a fight with SIL. The remainder are all college age and she did not contribute one penny for their education. There are also 4 siblings.
My feeling is why should we contribute to a party for her. When my husband turned 40 and I thru a party for him she did not help me one bit. She goes on bus trips etc and never has brought a souvineer home for anyone, but if anyone goes on vacation, she begs to bring her something back! I just can't take this women anymore.
OP, at least you like the inlaws and think they deserve a party. Good Luck!

 

[Good Ol Gal]

my in-laws will be married 50 years next year.

My dh has 1 sibling who lives about an hour from them in CA. We live in OH.

We want to do something for them, but don't know what.

We don't really have much of a relationship with BIL/SIL so I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start talking to them about it.

They travel the world... we travel TO the world

We've taken MIL/FIL to WDW with us twice now, and have a trip planned for this Dec wtih them again.

They've gone to Yosemite with them.

I wonder what we could do?? where we could go that would be somewhere in the middle... that doesn't cost either family huge travel costs (we each have 4 children. all about the same ages from 16-9)

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

They travel the world... we travel TO the world

I LOVE it! You're my kind of people!

 

[Gr8t Fan]

I agree that it's a good idea to decide on how much it will be ahead of time and to collect the money into a pool from the siblings who will be contributing.

thank you. I'll see what DH thinks about that. I'm just afraid the 4th sibling will say "nothing - I can contribute nothing" like usual because he knows we won't leave him out. This has happened over and over and then he goes and buys a big screen tv or something expensive while someone else picks up the tab.

So when he says he can't contribute, let him know (very nicely) that he won't have a say in any of the planning.