Just Venting About Those Dreaded Teenaged Girls!

[Christine]

You would *think* that by having a 14 year old son that I wouldn't have these problems. I really never had much of this stuff with my daughter as she tended to not hang around drama queens. Oh, but my son....


My son just started his first year of high school. He was in a private middle school and about 30 of his classmates went on to attend this private high school. He has a core group of friends that he's had since 4th grade and part of this group are these two girls. One of the girls is quite a bit of a "queen bee". For the most part, she and my son are friendly. For the first time last year, in 8th grade, she decided she was "mad" at him and wouldn't speak to him for about 3 months. Fortunately, he had some other friends, and he just suffered through but it did bother him. We really never discovered what was wrong but I got the feeling that this queen bee gets jealous because the other girl and my son are a little bit better friends and, in fact, I believe the other girl *likes* my son a bit more than friends. But that has never progressed.

So, they have all been friendly again for most of the 8th grade, all summer (through Facebook and texts as they were all away) and at the beginning of school.

Well, starting this week, the queen bee has decided she is mad at my son. Yesterday he went to sit down at his usual lunch table for lunch and she told him "You can't sit at this table." He told her to "[edited] off, I'm sitting here." But he's gotten VERY depressed about this. She is going to do everything to make his life miserable now until she decides to come off of it.

The worst part is that he is in a new school, doesn't have his usual "core" group anymore and isn't doing well meeting new students yet (he's in his first 2 weeks of school). The school is brand new and they really haven't started up much in the way of after-school clubs that I want him to join, so he is just not connecting.

I just feel so bad for him. He can be a bit of an introvert except with the people he knows well so I'm sure he's feeling shut out. Grrr.....honestly, I.CANNOT.STAND.THIS.GIRL. And can do nothing about it.

I guess I'm just looking to vent. This is an age old problem and nothing I shouldn't know that we just have to weather through....

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

So what did he do? Did he sit down anyway? I think the best thing he can do is to find another group to sit with... or confront her in front of ev eryone and ask her "why are you such a [edited] ?"

 

[Christine]

I think the best thing he can do is to find another group to sit with

Right now, this is the problem. He's not outgoing enough just to push his way into another group and there's nothing going on at the school where he can connect with new people (he's not an athlete at all). If she shuns him, he's pretty isolated.

I'm glad he didn't take her crap and he sat at his table as usual, but I'm sure it's pretty uncomfortable for him with her oozing her hostility at him.

 

[java]

Does he have another buddy at the table? Does he have a best friend?
The "queen bee" types(bullies imho) don't act as tough if there are 2 people together.

My daughter (12) thankfully shrugs it all off. If someone doesn't save her a seat at "THE" table- she moves onto another table.
Funny thing is last year the bee ended up sitting by herself at the end of year. As everyone had moved on to other tables.

Chances are he isn't the only one feeling unsteady. There is certainly another teen feeling out there in the lunch room. Good for him for standing up to her. But really it might be better for him to find someone else to sit with that won't harrass him at lunch. Encourage him to talk to someone in his class before lunch. Walking in with someone I think helps too.

 

[Christine]

Does he have another buddy at the table? Does he have a best friend?

Yes, he has friends at the table. However, this girl has so much "power" that I think they all get feeling odd over it.

His "best friend" is the other girl and, herein, lies the problem. I think the queen bee is jealous. Without ever coming out and saying it, her parents are very strict and don't let her do anything much after school. Especially not with a boy. The queen bee's parents and the other girls parents are good friends (they carpool and have a lot of forced time together). So when the girl spends a lot of time with my son, the queen bee cannot get mad at the other girl because of the situation, so she punishes my son and tries to get the other girl to stay away from him. So far it hasn't worked all that well. Neither of the girls will have out with each other because of the parents involved.

So, I think the queen bee gets jealous that my son and the other girl sometimes hang out after school or go to a movie together. She obviously cannot go. She will never say that her parents won't let her, she just comes up with these flimsy excuses. They've all determined that she is not allowed out.

God, that sounds convoluted.

 

[dawson5]

we had a girl like this in high school, who unfortunately sat at our lunch table. We got fed up with her and collectively stood up and moved. Everyone. She was left sitting there by herself. She settled down after that. One person does it and she keeps the control, everyone does it and she realizes that the problem is her and she needs to correct it.

As for DS making friends, is his birthday coming up? Possibly rent a hotel room for the pool access and take a few kids. Get him involved in things, sports, after-school activities, ski club, etc. Something. This will open many doors for friendship and lessen her ability to try and make his life miserable.

I wish you luck.

 

[Christine]

we had a girl like this in high school, who unfortunately sat at our lunch table. We got fed up with her and collectively stood up and moved. Everyone. She was left sitting there by herself. She settled down after that. One person does it and she keeps the control, everyone does it and she realizes that the problem is her and she needs to correct it.

That was beautiful!!!

As for DS making friends, is his birthday coming up? Possibly rent a hotel room for the pool access and take a few kids. Get him involved in things, sports, after-school activities, ski club, etc. Something. This will open many doors for friendship and lessen her ability to try and make his life miserable.

I wish you luck.

His birthday is in December, right at the Christmas holidays/school break. We are doing our best to push him into some clubs but, through no fault of his own, there are none right now. This is a new, private (Catholic) high school and, so far, the only active clubs are a pro-life group, which he's not interested in. I can't get him to do Drama either. He's adamantly opposed. He doesn't do sports, never has, never will. I can't change him in that regard. He does know how to ski, but there is no group for that. Believe me, we are looking and I am pushing. I think that will be the key.

 

[dawson5]

scouts? My three were all involved, two still are. Our church has youth groups, one for high schoolers, one for middle schoolers.

What about Key Club? Do they offer something like that? Even though he's not a sports person, does he go to football games? We had a ball hanging out at those. Basketball season is coming up, what about being the manager? This would put him with a group of guys where that girl isn't involved, or at least shouldn't be.

Mine aren't drama either or musical. Two are sports nuts, one is a computer geek. Our high school has computer clubs, coding clubs, robotics available to the high schoolers (for my geek ). The middle school offers Saturday fitness, basically open gym and a few other things. One is called Five Star. I'm not entirely sure what that is all about. Ours also has some groups, not clubs, that meet in the mornings. One for math, one for spelling and the other is knowledge masters. If he's an honor roll student, do they have national honor society? That might be another great option and more than likely meet some great kids.

 

[Christine]

I knew this H.S. would be problematic with the "club" aspect as they don't have a lot of students. He had several "choices" for high school and this was the one he was adamant about going to. He is an introverted (but friendly) person and he liked the small-school aspect for now. I was really pushing for one of the bigger, fully operation schools, but I did let it be his decision because the other schools required a tough commute. So here we are.

He has been to one football game (but to socialize). He really is NOT interested in sports. These clubs you mentioned aren't available but more and more are supposed to develop. I wish he would join some stuff that he is uncomfortable with, but he won't and I'm not into "fighting" anymore about recreational activities.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My son had to move private schools between 6th. and 7th. grade. From 10 kids in the class to 3 classes of 20. The queen bee declared my son a droid on day one. Their lockers were next to each other, so DS just stood his ground and gave it back to her in a "gentlemanly" manner. He invited himself when she excluded him on group nights out. He was friends with everyone else. He never did really fit in with the girls on a girlfriend level at the school, but he was friends with everyone. He made a lot of great friends with the guys. At the end of 8th. grade he asked out one of the girls. She is a delight and really was never part of the "bee" group.

Now he is a freshman in an all boys high school and the girls are coming out of the woodwork from all the other schools. Stand up to a queen bee and you get a rep with all the other girls. And believe me there are way many of the other girls, and not so many queen bees.

I know long, but what I wanted to say was tell him to stand his ground, hang out with the guys, enjoy school, don't worry about those girls soon enough he will be "swatting" them away. (that quip was meant as tongue in cheek)

 

[JCJRSmith]

Simple solution for him is to meet her "anger" head on. Next time they are at lunch, with everyone there, he should say to her point blank, "We've been friends a long time and now you are mad at me for some reason. Why?"

 

[mjkacmom]

I hope your ds finds some male friends. Unfortunately, this is how things are in girl cliques. My dd13's bff "broke up" with her twice because my dd was hanging out with other girls. They get very jealous, and start playing the "if you are friends with her, you can't be friends with me" card starting in about the 3rd grade. Boys are MUCH easier - you just have to have him find some, with similar interests. Maybe, if this year is too hard, he could transfer to a larger school, with more activties, and a more diverse group of kids.

 

[grumpeeduck]

Can you get him in band? That is a fabulous, and safe environment for HS! A lot of boys do Choir and/or yearbook staff. Even if he is not into sports, what about Track? That is sort of independent, but in a great team setting.

High School students MUST have something to occupy their time. My DD was in band all years and we NEVER had any incidents of drugs, alcohol, or other....
She has begun her first year of college and is so happy that her HS years were good, strong, foundation years and she is now ready for the world with all her morals and values still intact.

Good luck.

 

[Deb in IA]

Aren't there any boys he can sit with? My 14 year old DS is also a freshman, and I don't have the slightest clue who he sits with at lunch, but I think it is with other boys.

Honestly, I think he will figure out some way to handle it for himself.

 

[Christine]

Can you get him in band? That is a fabulous, and safe environment for HS! A lot of boys do Choir and/or yearbook staff. Even if he is not into sports, what about Track? That is sort of independent, but in a great team setting.

High School students MUST have something to occupy their time. My DD was in band all years and we NEVER had any incidents of drugs, alcohol, or other....
She has begun her first year of college and is so happy that her HS years were good, strong, foundation years and she is now ready for the world with all her morals and values still intact.

Good luck.

He was in band (orchestra) since 4th grade. He absolutely hated playing his instrument and did not want to do it again. He already plays piano on his own and that is his preferred instrument but they cannot use him in school for this. They have no marching band. Right now he takes art as a class and enjoys that but it's not "extra." He does not sports, including track. I've tried.

 

[joyjoy]

I think you're getting way too involved in the teen drama. I say let them work it out.

 

[dawson5]

well you said this is a new school and there aren't many extracurriculars offered yet. Why not find out what he likes and be the driving force behind getting it started? I would think something simple involving community service (Habitat for Humanity, food drives, toys for tots?) would be a great start and would involve both boys and girls and instill community spirit. I don't think it has to be 5 days a week but try for maybe twice a month? I think key is getting him away from this girl and more involved with others.

 

[Christine]

I think you're getting way too involved in the teen drama. I say let them work it out.

Uh, excuse me??? Where do you get that I'm "way too involved in the teen drama?" Just because I posted a vent about it? It would be different if I was actually,um, getting myself involved. I came here to vent because I felt bad for him. That's the end of it. No more. I'm not getting myself between him and his friends, he just relayed a story to me. If you read my post you'll see that I wasn't asking for a solution as you just have to weather this out, as I said.

I have to ask, why do people like you come to posts like this and toss out a judgement like that?

 

[joyjoy]

Wow. Sorry. I wasn't intending to get you all worked up. I have just found that, in my experience, the less involved I got with my teenaged daughter and her friend problems, the better. I found that whenever I tried to "help", the situation would change and my brilliant solutions were moot. I feel like they need to learn how to solve problems themselves, with the exception of dangerous or illegal situations obviously.

People like me?

 

[momrek06]

OP, as other DISer's have said....SCHOOL ACTIVITIES.
Both my DS' were in private elementary school. One went onto public h.s. and one went onto private h.s. They both got involved in so many school organizations and met so many awesome friends through those groups.