Just no love.....help

[Disneyhenry]

ok I spent 14 years of my 1st marriage with a guy whom I just didnt love t all,it was an arranged marriage, stayed with him for 18 years, hated it for 12! Then I met this guy whim I fell head over heals in love with! we married then he became an complete *******, but still our vows did mean everything to me and I loved him. We had a baby and he still was an *******, I stay because of our vows and our baby boy. We just went away alone for 3 nights to respark our relationship, but I found nothing but a love friendship there.
Life is to short to not live a life that you love! But IDK what to do? Live with a friend the rest of my life (BTW he is very demanding!) or move on to find true love. He is no longer and ******* as he was for the 1st 4 years of our marriage, but still......arg
ideas please!!!!!

 

[dnoyes]

ok I spent 14 years of my 1st marriage with a guy whom I just didnt love t all,it was an arranged marriage, stayed with him for 18 years, hated it for 12! Then I met this guy whim I fell head over heals in love with! we married then he became an complete *******, but still our vows did mean everything to me and I loved him. We had a baby and he still was an *******, I stay because of our vows and our baby boy. We just went away alone for 3 nights to respark our relationship, but I found nothing but a love friendship there.
Life is to short to not live a life that you love! But IDK what to do? Live with a friend the rest of my life (BTW he is very demanding!) or move on to find true love. He is no longer and ******* as he was for the 1st 4 years of our marriage, but still......arg
ideas please!!!!!

Just following the rules. Best of luck to you

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think instead of "moving on to find true love", you either move on or stay put, but instead of trying to find true love, you go into therapy, learn who you are, work on yourself, and do whatever it takes to make you a healthy person. At that point the other stuff will fall into place-- the healthier we are, the move likely we are to attract a healthy person who will love us and treat us with the respect we deserve.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My husband is my best friend.

Since this isn't the first time you have had problems, maybe counseling before making a life changing decision.

No matter what, good luck.

 

[smitch425]

Not sure what PP means by "rules", but if you aren't happy and you are wanting more, then it's best for everyone involved to let the relationship go. When your son gets older he will pick up on whatever tension and unhappiness you have. Sometimes things start out one way and become something else. It's no one's fault, it's just how life works sometimes. There is no reason for the two of you to give up any future happiness you might find. You might both find "the one" and that would just mean two more special people to be in your son's life and love him. Best of luck with whatever you end up deciding to do. Counseling is a good idea, too

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not sure what PP means by "rules"

Unofficial* Rule 1: The first responder in a new thread has to quote the original post in full - so if down the road the OP deletes or edits it, future readers will understand and be able to participate.

*there are no other unofficial rules, however the DIS has its own rules and standards.

 

[Aisling]

Just want you to know that you're not alone in this situation. I know many women and a few men stuck like you. For some reason it's easier for the men to make the break when they have fallen out of love.

My DH isn't prince Charming. Sometimes I want to strangle him and even throw his butt out, but I can't because I feel committed to making things work, even after 29 years of an emotional roller coaster of a marriage. Some days are like a romance in a book and some days are discouraging and unfulfilled. I married him, my first boyfriend, when I was 20 and he was 22. We didn't even know ourselves back then.

The only advice I can give you is if you decide to leave him, try not to go right into another relationship too soon. Use that time to learn who YOU are and what you need/want from a marriage mate. And then go find him, or more likely he'll find you.

My dear, good luck in this difficult situation. Yes, life is short, but it's not THAT short whee we have to make speedy decisions (unless there's spousal abuse involved.) If you don't love him but only see him as a friend, that's not a marriage most women would want, but some do fine with it. Get to know YOU and you decision will become easier. My best wishes to you, sweetie.

 

[smitch425]

Unofficial* Rule 1: The first responder in a new thread has to quote the original post in full - so if down the road the OP deletes or edits it, future readers will understand and be able to participate.

*there are no other unofficial rules, however the DIS has its own rules and standards.

I really had no clue what they were talking about. LOL! Good to know!

 

[Aisling]

One more thing a therapist told me. If the two of you were in love with each other once but are not now, it is possible to fall back in love. I married my DH when he was a boy and I was a girl. We grew up together and never saw each other as a man and woman, just the boy and girl we fell in love with. The therapist told me to reinvent myself in small ways to get his attention so that he could have a chance to fall in love with the woman. The same advice was given to him. We're working on that now and it's looking promising.

 

[shortbun]

My husband and I have been together for 30 years-last Saturday. I always did and still love him. Marriage is hard and takes major work. I think your 'picker' is flawed. You might want to give it some major thought before you abandon this second marriage for the same reason as the last. OR, get out now, being in a loveless marriage is awful. Thing is, you have a glue that won't allow you to ever really leave this one.

 

[mrsdon]

I think sometimes people get the idea of "true love" from books and movies and it is never that easy.
I have been married almost 30 years and cannot imagine life without my DH
SOmedays I want to smack the smot out of him and other days I just want to sit on the coucha dn cuddle
I think it is just a cycle of life
Good luck to you

 

[The Mystery Machine]

ok I spent 14 years of my 1st marriage with a guy whom I just didnt love t all,it was an arranged marriage, stayed with him for 18 years, hated it for 12! Then I met this guy whim I fell head over heals in love with! we married then he became an complete *******, but still our vows did mean everything to me and I loved him. We had a baby and he still was an *******, I stay because of our vows and our baby boy. We just went away alone for 3 nights to respark our relationship, but I found nothing but a love friendship there.
Life is to short to not live a life that you love! But IDK what to do? Live with a friend the rest of my life (BTW he is very demanding!) or move on to find true love. He is no longer and ******* as he was for the 1st 4 years of our marriage, but still......arg
ideas please!!!!!

Get yourself to counseling to figure what is going on with yourself and how to proceed.

 

[Carly_Roach]

A long time ago a minister I knew and respected had a speech about "love" that I've always tried to remember:

"In Love" means you want that person. You want them all the time, you want them around you all the time, you want to be around them all the time, you can't get enough of them and have to have them near.

"Love" means you want the best for that person. Your needs change to where you only want what's best for them - even if what's best for them isn't you.

When you're "In Love", you're actually in love with how you feel. You're surfing the endorphins, so-to-speak. A feeling that can't last forever no matter how much you want it to or try to make it last. You may feel it briefly here and there now and again, but it won't be the 24/7/365 you felt when you first met and started courting.

When you're in "Love", you shift to a deeper, more meaningful emotion of wanting what the other person wants for themself because you truly, deeply, honestly want that other person to be happy. You begin to love how you feel when you see something you did or said that made the other person feel wonderful (or feel loved).

I'm probably not describing it as best as that minister did, but another way he put it might make more sense:

All parents fall "In Love" with their children when they are born. They experience the overwhelming euphoria when those babies come into their lives and turn their hearts upside down. But then life, sleepless nights and an endless cycle of diapers, teething and the occasional sickness intervene and that euphoria settles and grows into a deep-seated "Love" that will last until either the parent or the child passes away. And, even then, traces will still be there.

If two people go into a marriage expecting the ""True Love" euphoria to always be there, then that marriage is doomed for failure. Human beings simply cannot sustain that euphoria for very long. It is impossible. If a parent cannot sustain the incredible euphoria they felt the first day their child was born for more than a few years (and parent/child is one of nature's strongest bonds ), then why would an adult ever expect to maintain the ""In Love" euphoria they once felt for their mate every day for the rest of their lives?

Don't know if this helped or not. I hope it did. It certainly helped me when choosing a mate.

 

[RadioNate]

Love is a verb.

This is my favorite article on the subject but there is more.
http://www.aish.com/f/m/58447162.html

Bottom line, sometimes marriage is a choice.

 

[Evil Genius]

Gotta tell ya' I think you are living in a fantasy world. True Love? Impossible. Someone who loves and respects you, definitely attainable. It sounds to me like you are looking for a reason to leave. If you want to save this marriage, find a counselor for you and him.

BTW what does he do that is so demanding?

 

[Christine]

Love is often mistaken for "lust."

When we are initially attracted to someone and starting a new relationship, there is a biological release of a specific hormone that causes "bonding" and feelings of attraction in order for you to want to procreate. This hormonal surge tends to last about 18 months and then it starts to wane.

If you get past that point and you are still feeling very "head over heels" about that person, then it's probably safe to say that it might be love.

It sounds to me that, with your second husband, you got all caught up in those feelings, probably because you never had them before due to the arranged marriage, and you made some decisions prematurely.

If you feel like there was no real basis to your relationship besides the initial lust phase, maybe you should move on. HOWEVER, I agree with the other posters in that I do think you need to consult with someone who specializes in relationships and marriage so you can figure yourself out again. I would hate to see you find another Mr. Right and rush into a serious relationship again, only to have it fizzle out. That's the point of LOTS of dating: so you can see how relationships work, the normal ebb and flow of them, etc. Then when there real right person comes along, you will know it.

 

[Deb in IA]

Marriage counseling.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think sometimes people get the idea of "true love" from books and movies and it is never that easy.
I have been married almost 30 years and cannot imagine life without my DH
SOmedays I want to smack the smot out of him and other days I just want to sit on the coucha dn cuddle
I think it is just a cycle of life
Good luck to you

Yes...Lasting love does not seem to be an easy thing. It doesn't just come to people...Relationships take work.

But to the PP...if you are unhappy, and don't want to really work on your current situation, then you should move on. It's not fair to the other person.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Marriage counseling.

yep. and if he won't go, go yourself.

 

[disneychic2]

I'm glad to read that your vows mean something to you. Keep that in mind while trying to sort through everything. Love is not a feeling, which most people assume it is. Rather it is a decision we make each day. I, too, think counseling is imperative for you both. You CAN fall in love again and regain the intimacy that seems to be lacking in your marriage. Nowhere in your vows did it say your love was conditional or that you would love him as long as you felt like it or everything was good. I'm sorry things are not going well for you, but there is hope. I will be praying for you to find your way back to a healthy and happy marriage. Good luck!