I'm getting so frustrated with how my mother never seems to respect my wishes then gets angry with me after she ignores what I say and I finally have to insist that she not do said thing.
A little bit ago, she texts me and asks if j want to come over so she can help me clean my van. She's been harping at me for the last couple of weeks about cleaning it (even though she is never in my van), and it's not really that bad anyway. I have some paperwork, doctors info and stuff like that (some of which I keep in there because I need it for appointments), and some scattered crumbs on the floor. I have a 7 year old and a toddler, they eat snacks in the car- it happens. I do vacuum my van periodically, but frankly, it's not a high priority on my list because I have far more important things to do most of the time, and honestly, there will be more crumbs on the floor within a day of me vacuuming. Did I mention I have kids? I've been telling my mom I will get around to it when I have time and feel like it and (politely) to leave me alone about it. She of course doesn't listen and nags me incessantly.
So she texts and asks if I want to come over and clean out my van. I tell her not today, and I will clean it out on my own. I don't need to go over to her house to do it. She texts back asking when and I reply that I don't know. She then asks what I'm doing today. I text back that I'm not doing anything because I can't see since my eye is badly irritated, swollen, and hurts. At the time I was actually laying down on the couch with a thin ice pack over my eye and sunglasses on. This happens every few months with my contacts, has for years, and only time will make it better. So anyway, she then texts, "good, you can't see so you can't drive. You're home. Headed there." I reply, "wait, what? To my house? Now? Can we just do something another time? I can't see, I'm in pain, and would really like to just lay here in the dark." She responds, "we can still plan something. On my way," I reply that I really just want to be left alone, and she doesn't respond.
So, I have to get up and start cleaning the house because even though it's not bad by normal people's standards, she always finds something to nitpick and won't let it go EVER. So I'm going around literally walking into walls because I can't see, trying to pick up stuff that I can barely see. She gets here within 20 minutes, starts shouting as she walks in that she's here. Meanwhile, she knows that my husband who works nights is upstairs sleeping. She has a loud voice that carries anyway, and when she yells, you can hear her a block away. My brain rattles in my head from her yelling because I have a massive headache from the eye pain coupled with straining to see to clean the house up while she was headed here.
She then proceeds to LOUDLY say, "Man, you really need to do your dishes" (it was just from last night and they were soaking). And "God, it's so dark in here" as she rips back the curtains and turns on the lights. Meanwhile, I'm about to scream because even though I'm wearing sunglasses, the light pierces through my skull like lightning. She then asks if I have an extension cord. I tell her probably somewhere out in the garage but im not sure where. She tells me to go get it and she is going to clean out my car. I tell her no, I will do it when I get around to it, and it's not going to be right now. This goes back and forth for a while as I'm explaining to her that I don't even know where the extension cord is, I don't want to go out in the garage where it's really bright (we have a million windows in our garage), and rustle around in the dust when I can't see and likely get dust and dirt in my eye which would aggravate it more. I also explain to her that I have papers and stuff in my car that I don't want her messing with and it's my mess anyway, so I will clean it all up. Just not today. I thanked her for her offer profusely, but said that I would take care of it. Finally, she says, "Most people would love it if someone wanted to do this for them, but you can't appreciate anything," and stalks out.
I understand that it's nice of her to offer and I appreciate it (and I told her that repeatedly), but at the same time, I feel I should have a right to tell people no. I had very valid reasons for not wanting her to do it, and frankly for not even wanting her to come over, and I feel like my wishes should be respected. I feel like there's no boundaries sometimes with her, and she gets not upset, but ANGRY, when I stand my ground on things. It also frustrated me that I can be in obvious physical pain and she is so oblivious to how her actions (yelling, turning on lights) actually make that pain worse.
Again, I appreciate that she wants to help, but sometimes people need to understand "no" without taking it personally.
She told me how badly she wished her mom would realize that what would have been actual help was if her mom offered to watch the baby so she could take a nice long shower, let herself sit and hold the baby & her mom help with the housework. 
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