Jungle Cruise Jokes

[edcrbnsoul]

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that’s a whole other story.

 

[birdiesunshine]

Welcome aboard the jungle cruise I'll be your captain and head swimming instructor today.

That is cheif nami our head salesmen. Seeing how sales have been shrinking...He will gladly give you 5 of his heads for one of yours. Either way you still come out a head.

 

[phlufster]

Not part of the script, but these two made me laugh the hardest:

As we approach the end you will see a dock on your left and a dock on your right, that would be a "pair of docks," (paradox) and that would make the two skippers you see waiting up there a "pair of dorks."


Whwn we got off the boat:
Skipper Dan will help you out by the rear, not that rear ma'am, this is adventureland not fantasyland.

 

[Doombuggyman]

"Here in the Amazon, everything is larger than life. These butterflies can grow from 12 inches long to a whopping one foot"

From a skipper who went off-script:

"If you like those butterflies, we have them available for sale in the Jungle Cruise Gift Shop for $19.99... or at the Wal-Mart in Kissimmee for $3.88."

"Here's a snake whose name starts with a 'P'. Can anyone guess which one it is? That's right... Plastic."

(At the entrance to the Cambodian Temple Ruins) "Here we see Disney's first failed attempt at a Monorail System."

Children left behind will be taken to It's a small world where their feet will be glued to the floor.

"Don't laugh, ma'am. I was the hula girl there for 15 years." (Skipper then mimes the IASW Hula dance)

"Wave goodbye to all the folks on the dock... you'll never see them again." (to the guests on the dock if there are long lines) "Have you folks gone through the upstairs queue yet? No? Uh-oh..."

"Here we see the second-most feared animal in this part of the jungle: the African Bull Elephant. And here we see the most feared animal: his mother-in-law."

(at the Savannah scene) "There in the back is a '65 impala -- he's a classic. This also illustrates the first law of the jungle: don't be a zebra. Are there any children under five on the boat? There are? In that case, the Zebra is sleeping and the lions are singing him a lullaby."

 

[GrumpyFamilyof5]

alright, you all have convince me, I'm definately adding the Jungle Cruise to my Things to do List!!

 

[Amps]

Wow, I can't believe there are some people that haven't gone on this before. Probably one of the funnest attractions in the MK.

Is it possible to swoon over a ride? For a 23 year old guy to swoon over a ride?

 

[princesscj]

LOVE,LOVE, LOVE the Jungle Cruise - always our first ride of the day!! If it's a good day crowd wise it is always the last ride as well! My kids love being picked to be the "skipper" and "drive" the boat!

Thanks for the great thread, defiantely made me smile today!!

 

[FreddyBeach]

Heard this one in 2001...

Captain: Knock Knock
Crew: Who's there?
Captain: Interrupting Cow
Crew: Interrupting Cow wh.... (we didn't get to finish)
Captain: MOO!

My son still loves that one.

Mike in the Maritimes.

 

[fAnnF]

I don't remember how it goes exactly, but I heard it on every cruise in September "Kids go to college, after you get your 4 year degree you can drive a boat around in circles all day, and your parents will be proud.....of your sister"

 

[fAnnF]

my other favorite one, if you've enjoyed the ride my name is _________ if not my name is (insert celeb here) and this was POTC or It's a Small World.

 

[CaptHook34]

LOL, some of these jungle cruise jokes are so funny.

 

[MommaPooh]

We have to do this at least once a trip, but ususally more. My kids and DH will tell these jokes over and over for weeks. If they know I am getting a little grumpy, this is where we head to for a "Momma pick me up."

My kids' favorite is the back of water joke.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

We heard this one at Disneyland a few years ago:

"Oh look kids! Those nice lions are babysitting that sleeping zebra! Can you feel the love tonight?"

And at MK last year:

"Look, we seem to be entering a tunnel. Of course, this is Disneyworld so it must be a gift shop. And look at that, they're charging an arm and a leg!"

(the statues in the tunnel are missing their arms!)

 

[AnnMarie3]

From our trip last month. We had a great skipper.

"This cruise is brought to you by Ursula's fish sticks. Nothin' says lovin' like a Little Mermaid in the oven!"

 

[horner5]

This is from our Sept. 2005 trip on a Wednesday night...we came to the point in the ride where there is the downed plane. Our skipper adds:

"Do you know what this plane signifies?"

We all pause. He continues:

"The fact that we're all missing the season premiere of Lost!"

That was certainly an original one for us!

 

[marthachick]

People were taking forever to unload from boat & CM waves and says:

"bye now....bye now.... bye now you should be off my boat!"

 

[JikoMarie]

Are there any more to share or have we pretty much got all the good ones?

 

[wdwmaw]

QUOTE=phlufster;17117965]Not part of the script, but these two made me laugh the hardest:

As we approach the end you will see a dock on your left and a dock on your right, that would be a "pair of docks," (paradox) and that would make the two skippers you see waiting up there a "pair of dorks."


Whwn we got off the boat:
Skipper Dan will help you out by the rear, not that rear ma'am, this is adventureland not fantasyland.[/QUOTE]

this is my fav. !!!! Thank-you for helping us remember. We are allways trying to tell this one to future guests of the world.

 

[donaldsgal]

We had the most AMAZING skipper on our ride on 12-26-06 - her name was Amanda. Absolutely great. Here are some highlights:

(as you enter the boat): This is Disney, everyone, so board the boat the way you board every other ride we have here - pushing and shoving the family in front of you.

(as you go by the tribesman hiding in the trees): Everyone get down! There's a group of natives from the tribe of Britney. They're throwing Britney Spears!!!

(as you go by the dancing tribesman in their hut on the right): Uh oh, folks. When the natives dance like that, it means one of two things. Either they're getting ready to attack, or they lost the key to the men's room.

(at a random point in the ride): Folks, when you leave the boat at the end of our trip, don't leave anything behind. You may not know this, but anything left behind becomes the property of the Walt Disney Company after 24 hours. When parents leave children behind, they place them over in it's a small world. That's actually how I got my start here - I was the little Italian girl on the left.

(as we entered the tunnel the skipper softly sang into the microphone): it's a world of laughter a world of tears....

(after she let a little girl up front steer for a bit): Everyone give Jessica a big round of applause. And Jessica, here is your official Skipper Certificate. You can take this anywhere in the world and work at Disney. In fact, take this today to Disney Tokyo and you can be a skipper - even without a driver's license. Unfortuantely for you, this also means you're on tomorrow morning at 7. Don't forget your brown boots.

(at the end of the ride): Folks, please be sure to keep your hands and feet inside the boat at all times as we approach the pier. This helps prevent unnecessary peer pressure. (pause and then speaking quickly) Actually, that's more of a wharf than a pier. Piers are larger and jut out much farther into the water... who writes these jokes, anyways?

(as we get off the boat): Well, thanks everyone, you've been great. Now, get off. Oh, excuse me - this is Disney after all. Please get off.

She was awesome!!! We rode two more times, and some of the best jokes we heard from our other skippers are here:

(from our female skipper at the waterfall scene): Some of you may not know this, but Disney World is the only company that mixes it's chocolate by waterfall. (and as we enter the tunnel, she softly sings into the microphone) "There is no life I know to compare to pure imagination" (then in a fast whispery tone) Don't drink the water - it's not chocolate!!!

(from Josh at the end of the ride): You may have heard that 4 out of 5 cast members work at the Jungle Cruise. If you look to our left as we approach the dock, you'll see that this statistic is true. (there were 5 cast members there, and only one of them was doing anything - perfect timing/delivery).

This is a GREAT thread and a hilarious ride. I also love the looks on the faces of people who don't get it. I didn't get it all my first time, either, so I feel okay chuckling and hoping that my huge guffaws of laughter help them realize the tongue-in-cheek aspect of it!

 

[Harrop]

"I'm just going to point out a few plants *points* *points* *points*" LOL

"Hey folks! Welcome aboard my boat! Today I'll be your snake handler, your lion tamer, your croc wrestler, and if you dont laugh at my jokes, ill also be your swimming instructor!"

haha