Jokes

[2HOT2touch]

Okay, I am taking a public speaking class and we have to write a 2 min speach with jokes. It has to be 2 mins long.

So what are all yalls favorite jokes?

 

[Columba]

What's the difference between a cadillac and a pile of dead babies?


....



I don't have a cadillac in my garage.





Edit: Just to make sure everything's clear, I don't have a pile of dead babies in my garage...

 

[WORLDwarQUIFFLE]

Are the jokes supposed to relate to the speech?

 

[DanceDanceGirl]

Why was six afraid of seven?
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Because seven eight nine.

 

[BabyPiglet]

Ryan, that was just..wrong...

Not cool.

 

[Sparx]

What's the difference between a cadillac and a pile of dead babies?


....



I don't have a cadillac in my garage.





Edit: Just to make sure everything's clear, I don't have a pile of dead babies in my garage...

my friends started telling dead baby jokes. There are much, much better ones than that.


oh, and what do you call a bird that steals?

a ROBBER duckie!

 

[DanceDanceGirl]

my friends started telling dead baby jokes. There are much, much better ones than that.


oh, and what do you call a bird that steals?

a ROBBER duckie!

okay that one was funny!

 

[2HOT2touch]

Are the jokes supposed to relate to the speech?

no, it's a speach of jokes. it isn't really a speach it is more like an exercise to get us used to talking to a group of people.

 

[pirateprinces_dancer]

ok there was an aggie, a longhorn, and a sooner and they all went camping together. the first night it was the aggies night to go get the food he went out and and came back w/ a deer. the sooner asks"how did u get that?" the aggie replys, "i followed tracks". the next night it is the longhorns night, he goes out and comes back w/ a bear. again the sooner says "how did u get that?" the longhorn replies "i followed tracks". the next night is the sooners night. he goes out and comes back all beat up with nothing to eat. Both the aggie and longhorn say "what happened!?!?" the sooner replies"i followed tracks"
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get it he followed tracks as in train tracks? hahahaha i heard this one at a church retreat

 

[Sparx]

There are 2 brothers named Patrick & John. John goes on a vacation & Patricks call him up & says " I have bad news your dog Buffy died"

What yells John HOW CAN YOU CALL ME UP & TELL ME THAT? I'm on vacation you should have prepared me for the bad new.

I'm sorry says Patrick...what should I have said?

John says you could have said Buffy is on the roof & we can't get her down. I'm calling the fire department & I'll let you know more later. Then you call me later & let me know she didnt make.

OK Patrick says I'm sorry.

Its all right Pat so hows Mom doing?

Patick says... She on the roof & I can't get her down.

-----
why did the cookie go to the doctor?

he felt crummy
----
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and...well you know the rest.
-----------
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $999.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $999.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
----
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

well just one. but the light bulb really has to want to change.
----
Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a light bulb?





IT JUST DOES, ALL RIGHT?????
-----
John and Jessica were celebrating their 2 month anniversary. John was coming over to Jessica's house to meet her parents. Before he drives over, he's on the phone. Jessica says to him, "John, don't say a word when you get over here. We've had a huge fight over dishes. We decided that the first person who speaks is doing the dishes" John agrees.

John had recently bought a motorcycle. He got a great deal. the only catch was that it was missing a valve. So he had to apply a lubricent to this certain pipe if the bike ever got wet. To john, this is no big deal. He just has to carry around petroleum jelly from now on.

So John rides his shiny new bike over to Jessica's house, and is welcomed in by her. She whispers in his ear, "remember sweetie, don't talk." He walks in, and is horrified to see stacks and stacks of dishes piled up. He takes off his jacket with the Petroleum jelly still in the pocket and hangs it up.

They eat dinner in total silence. John finds it a tad more than awkward. Determined to make one of them speak, he comes up with a plan. mid bite, he grabs his girlfriend, Jessica, and starts passionatly making out with her. Her mother is stunned. jessica is angry. Her father is livid, but no one speaks. He then moves on to the mother and kisses her right on the mouth, her father stands up with a look of white hot anger only rivaled by the intensity of a sun. Jessica is disgusted.

Then john hears it. Thunder. The rain starts. thinking "oh no!" he rushes to his jacket, pulls out the petroleum jelly and moving forward, jessica's father yells "STOP!...I'll do the dishes"
--------

hope those helped. they're some of my favorites.

 

[shellybellypolo]

There are 2 brothers named Patrick & John. John goes on a vacation & Patricks call him up & says " I have bad news your dog Buffy died"

What yells John HOW CAN YOU CALL ME UP & TELL ME THAT? I'm on vacation you should have prepared me for the bad new.

I'm sorry says Patrick...what should I have said?

John says you could have said Buffy is on the roof & we can't get her down. I'm calling the fire department & I'll let you know more later. Then you call me later & let me know she didnt make.

OK Patrick says I'm sorry.

Its all right Pat so hows Mom doing?

Patick says... She on the roof & I can't get her down.

-----
why did the cookie go to the doctor?

he felt crummy
----
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and...well you know the rest.
-----------
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $999.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $999.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."----
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

well just one. but the light bulb really has to want to change.
----
Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a light bulb?





IT JUST DOES, ALL RIGHT?????
-----
John and Jessica were celebrating their 2 month anniversary. John was coming over to Jessica's house to meet her parents. Before he drives over, he's on the phone. Jessica says to him, "John, don't say a word when you get over here. We've had a huge fight over dishes. We decided that the first person who speaks is doing the dishes" John agrees.

John had recently bought a motorcycle. He got a great deal. the only catch was that it was missing a valve. So he had to apply a lubricent to this certain pipe if the bike ever got wet. To john, this is no big deal. He just has to carry around petroleum jelly from now on.

So John rides his shiny new bike over to Jessica's house, and is welcomed in by her. She whispers in his ear, "remember sweetie, don't talk." He walks in, and is horrified to see stacks and stacks of dishes piled up. He takes off his jacket with the Petroleum jelly still in the pocket and hangs it up.

They eat dinner in total silence. John finds it a tad more than awkward. Determined to make one of them speak, he comes up with a plan. mid bite, he grabs his girlfriend, Jessica, and starts passionatly making out with her. Her mother is stunned. jessica is angry. Her father is livid, but no one speaks. He then moves on to the mother and kisses her right on the mouth, her father stands up with a look of white hot anger only rivaled by the intensity of a sun. Jessica is disgusted.

Then john hears it. Thunder. The rain starts. thinking "oh no!" he rushes to his jacket, pulls out the petroleum jelly and moving forward, jessica's father yells "STOP!...I'll do the dishes"
--------

hope those helped. they're some of my favorites.

That made my night 10x better. I didn't get the last one, though.

 

[Sparx]

That made my night 10x better. I didn't get the last one, though.

It wasn't really geared towards the younger crowd.

 

[shellybellypolo]

It wasn't really geared towards the younger crowd.

OK.

That one I bolded was funny though.

 

[Sparx]

OK.

That one I bolded was funny though.

glad you like it.

 

[VolleyballQt07]

Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a light bulb?





IT JUST DOES, ALL RIGHT?????

Thats funny!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino!

 

[DDRManiac]

does it have to be like one liners and set jokes or could it be like a 2 min excerpt from someones stand up comedy? thats what i would do if i could, GEORGE CARLIN although if its for school he prolly isnt the best bet, but im sure theres clean stand up comics...maybe lol

 

[2HOT2touch]

thanks everyone this is what I used.

How to write a paper:

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the school, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
21. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
22. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.
23. Check your email.
24. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
25. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
26. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
27. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
28. Check your email.
29. Leap up and write the paper.
30. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
31. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.

 

[Mickey1122]

Stolen from the CB as I remember it~

Bob forgot his wife's birthday, and she was furious. She demanded that by the next morning, she wanted to look out onto the driveway and see something capable of going from 0-200 in less than 6 seconds. Sure enogh, when the next day comes, she looks out and sees a gift. It's much smaller than a car...
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She opens the package to find a scale!!!

 

[2HOT2touch]

Stolen from the CB as I remember it~

Bob forgot his wife's birthday, and she was furious. She demanded that by the next morning, she wanted to look out onto the driveway and see something capable of going from 0-200 in less than 6 seconds. Sure enogh, when the next day comes, she looks out and sees a gift. It's much smaller than a car...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She opens the package to find a scale!!!

that's horrible!!!