JESSICA SIMPSON OUTED AS CIA AGENT
Bonehead Behavior 'Just an Act,' According to Leak
In yet another embarrassing White House leak, pop singer Jessica Simpson was outed today as a CIA operative, according to a source familiar with the leak.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the source said that when he first heard about the Simpson-CIA connection, "I found it hard to believe, since she seems like the kind of person who would have difficulty peeling a banana."
The blonde-tressed songbird achieved a kind of international renown for her boneheaded behavior on the MTV series "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica," in which, among other things, she demonstrated genuine confusion over why tuna would be packaged in a can labeled "Chicken of the Sea."
But according to the source, her astonishingly dense performance on that show was "just an act a very, very convincing act, but an act nonetheless."
"Jessica was acting like a total dimwit to lull the enemy into a false sense of security," the source said. "The CIA was hoping that, over time, Jessica Simpson would be able to smash al Qaeda."
While the source would not speculate why the White House outed Ms. Simpson, her husband, Nick Lachey, told reporters today that the Bush administration was trying to exact revenge for remarks Mr. Lachey made on MTV's "Total Request Live."
While appearing on the popular video countdown series in March, Mr. Lachey commented that the White House's claims that Saddam Hussein sought uranium in Africa sounded "mad bogus."
According to a spokesman for Ms. Simpson, now that her cover is blown the singer intends to retire from the CIA and will accept a tenured position in the biochemistry department at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
***BOROWITZ REPORT***
Bonehead Behavior 'Just an Act,' According to Leak
In yet another embarrassing White House leak, pop singer Jessica Simpson was outed today as a CIA operative, according to a source familiar with the leak.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the source said that when he first heard about the Simpson-CIA connection, "I found it hard to believe, since she seems like the kind of person who would have difficulty peeling a banana."
The blonde-tressed songbird achieved a kind of international renown for her boneheaded behavior on the MTV series "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica," in which, among other things, she demonstrated genuine confusion over why tuna would be packaged in a can labeled "Chicken of the Sea."
But according to the source, her astonishingly dense performance on that show was "just an act a very, very convincing act, but an act nonetheless."
"Jessica was acting like a total dimwit to lull the enemy into a false sense of security," the source said. "The CIA was hoping that, over time, Jessica Simpson would be able to smash al Qaeda."
While the source would not speculate why the White House outed Ms. Simpson, her husband, Nick Lachey, told reporters today that the Bush administration was trying to exact revenge for remarks Mr. Lachey made on MTV's "Total Request Live."
While appearing on the popular video countdown series in March, Mr. Lachey commented that the White House's claims that Saddam Hussein sought uranium in Africa sounded "mad bogus."
According to a spokesman for Ms. Simpson, now that her cover is blown the singer intends to retire from the CIA and will accept a tenured position in the biochemistry department at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
***BOROWITZ REPORT***
