Jealousy question (relationships)

[MAKmom]

I think I'm disagreeing with most of the other posters. It seems to me that it's a good sign that he wanted you to meet her, if he didn't then I would be more inclined to be worried. Given the additional info you provided, it seems like it's just a good friendship and that you are being very mature about it. If you are comfortable with it, then don't rock the boat. You know what your gut tells you.

I agree with listen toyour gut. You posted this thread so your gut is telling you something,

 

[PrincessTiff]

Wow, it's almost like you went on a date with both your DBF and this "confidant".

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I think I'm disagreeing with most of the other posters. It seems to me that it's a good sign that he wanted you to meet her, if he didn't then I would be more inclined to be worried. Given the additional info you provided, it seems like it's just a good friendship and that you are being very mature about it. If you are comfortable with it, then don't rock the boat. You know what your gut tells you.

Well my Aunt's husband introduced my AUnt to a friend of his. Turned out he was having an affair with the friend. It was really ugly because my Aunt ended up considering this person a friend before she found out what was really going on . So not only did she have to deal with an affair, she had to deal with the fact she (this is how she felt) let it happen right under her nose. Also, my Aunt had two young daughters (one not even a year old). My Aunt left him and the friend moved right in.

Being introduced means NOTHING.

 

[DISUNC]

Jealous NO!
Leary YES!


I wouldnt even want a Ex & Current in the same State...never mind the same table!

But thats me!

 

[PghLybrt]

Wow… I just got a glimpse into how my best friends wife could feel about me.
Luckily it is not the case.

Funny, I have no interest in him, but he is my best friend. We can do almost anything together. I am very lucky to have him. I was his best “man” at his wedding and we are all (him, his wife, myself and my partner) taking his one year old daughter to Disney next fall!


I am friends with almost all of my ex’s (he is not one of them but he did continually ask me to date him when we first started college).

I think if you can’t trust somebody enough to speak to an ex then that relationship isn’t really based on trust now is it? Never could understand forbidding an adult to live their life…..

 

[JunieJay]

I've been married 21 years and I'm not the jealous type, but I can say for sure that sort of arrangement would NOT fly in this household. DH's female friends are also my friends, and they sure as heck aren't old girlfriends.

 

[budbeerlady]

This is simply my opinion as someone who has a best friend that is a guy.

I wouldnt be jealous but watchful shall I say... Men are men (not to insult anyone but most men are friendly because they are attracted to a woman, it might turn into a friendship but anyway) and just keep your ears and eyes open.

I have never been anything but good friends with this guy, next to my dh, this man knows me better than anyone due to our 12 year history. (I kinda feel sorry for him, he knows me this well but he sticks around! ) Dh knows friend is the poor sap I go shopping with or to movies, he doesnt ever take the place of dh but does things that dh hates to do. (Dh sees it as a win/win ) I wish I could say the same for friends girlfriend, there has never been much love between the two of us. She is so jealous and insecure about our friendship that it has made me spend less time over the years with my friend. (She wishes she knew him as well as I do is the comment she makes all the time. Hello, you are sleeping with him and living with him, I guarentee you know him WAY better than I ever wanted to!) I dont want to rock their boat, so I just lay low. It's sad, I miss my friend but I dont want to rock his boat.

I do think its odd that he asked if you are jealous, what is that about? I find that a bit odd, I never even asked friend if girlfriend is jealous rolleyes1 the things that come out when you drink) and I wouldnt ask Dh. I would think ya kinda can recognized that?

Good luck with the relationship, just keep your ears and eyes open. If it comes down to it a good friend will walk away even though it hurts so the other can be happy.

 

[dis ms.]

I think if you can’t trust somebody enough to speak to an ex then that relationship isn’t really based on trust now is it? Never could understand forbidding an adult to live their life…..

I can't speak for others who have posted on this thread, but I certainly wasn't suggesting the OP ban her BF from his "confidante", I just said she should keep her eyes open. Blind trust can be just as bad as jealousy, IMHO.

 

[Sparx]

I believe men and women can just be friends. call me young and stupid, but thats what I think. That kind of relationship wouldn't really bother me that much.

 

[PghLybrt]

I can't speak for others who have posted on this thread, but I certainly wasn't suggesting the OP ban her BF from his "confidante", I just said she should keep her eyes open. Blind trust can be just as bad as jealousy, IMHO.

No i agree with you, I just do not understand how a relationship can thrive when there is no trust. It didn't really fit to this situation but more so to some of the comments.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I can only answer based on my own experiences. DH and I have been married 17 years and we have a great relationship. I was engaged before we met and my ex-fiance later flew over from England with his new wife and took us out to dinner. It was not a "weird situation". Shortly after we married I went to work for DH's ex fiance, we had a great relationship. No weirdness there either. I have two very close male friends who I've known longer than my DH. We all spend time together, no weirdness. I'm always wary of other women, that's just smart IMHO, but I'm no more jealous/wary of an ex. If they're a great person, I welcome them as a friend.

 

[deekaypee]

If in the same situation would you be jealous or feel awkward?

My boyfriend has been married twice and dated countless women. While he does not have a relationship with either ex-wife (one he doesnt have any contact with), he is still close with several ex-girlfriends. He talks about them openly and freely as I do about my past relationships.

One of his ex-girlfriends is his oldest female friend and one of his biggest confidants. She's the one he goes to for girl advice, support, whatever it is. They have been through it all together (she isn't married and never has been).

I met her a little over a month ago (DBF and I have been together 11 months)- the three of us went out to dinner together. We all got along and had a good time.

Afterward, DBF casually asked if I was jealous of her and their relationship because they are obviously close. He brought it up more to reassure me then anything else. While I understand why they are no longer together and it's been years since they have been, they definitely love and care about each other.

I'm not jealous- The thought didn't cross my mind until DBF asked. DBF has clearly made the choice to be with me and not her and he is loyal to me without a question in my mind.

Would you question? How would you feel? How do you feel about old/close friends of SO's?

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't generally worry about DH's relationships. DH has some very close female friends from both before we were dating and afterwards. Some I've met & had dinner with, some I've become friendly with, some I didn't click with, and some I only know by name. Some of them are ex-GFs, some were flirtations that never went anywhere and they eventually became friends, and some are friends/colleagues only.

You asked for stories/anecdotes/comparisons, so....

In the years together, I've only had a few moments which MIGHT be construed as jealousy. The first time was when we went to one of his friend's wedding. We'd been dating a few months and I agreed to travel with him to see his friend get married. Over the course of a few weeks, I learned in bits and pieces that 1) his friend was female, 2) it was actually his ex-girlfriend, 3) the girlfriend was his first college girlfriend, 4) the college girlfriend was his first love, and 5) she broke up with him because he did something stupid, although they remained friends, and was the first to break his heart. The last bit of information I found out at the reception, in talking with one of their mutual friends!

I wasn't very happy at all about learning about their relationship the way I did. It felt dishonest and we exchanged some pretty frank words about it. But I wouldn't say I was jealous. In the case of this ex-GF, I felt angry that DH had misrepresented their relationship. I didn't really care about who she was to him, it was about how he communicated with me. So, we had a fight--not at the reception, as I wouldn't be responsible for upsetting someone's wedding--and moved beyond it. Today, he's still in contact with with her, though we now live far from each other. I've met her a couple of times since then and she and DH have a letter/email correspondence. And that's cool with me.

I have other stories, but they all end the same way. I'm focused on my relationship with DH and not DH's relationships with other people. If there's a problem, it tends to involve communication between the two of us, and that's what I concentrate on. The same, I assume, goes for DH's reaction to my male friends.

 

[dis ms.]

No i agree with you, I just do not understand how a relationship can thrive when there is no trust. It didn't really fit to this situation but more so to some of the comments.

I agree about needing trust in a relationship. My DH travels frequently for his job. If I couldn't trust him while he's away--and vice versa--I can't imagine how our marriage would work.

 

[shirleyb]

I think I'm disagreeing with most of the other posters. It seems to me that it's a good sign that he wanted you to meet her, if he didn't then I would be more inclined to be worried. Given the additional info you provided, it seems like it's just a good friendship and that you are being very mature about it. If you are comfortable with it, then don't rock the boat. You know what your gut tells you.

I don't have a lick of jealousy where my DH is concerned, because he's never given me a reason to. He has female friends, and I don't have any problem with it.

 

[vetrik]

I tend to be wary of these types of relationships.

I dated a guy once whose "best friend" was an ex-girlfriend. He always told me that they had dated, and then realized that really they were much better off as friends. They had broken up about a year before we got together. He even told me how he asked her out, how they broke up, I met her several times, etc. I felt very comfortable with it - they sounded so logical about how they really only worked as platonic friends, and he was choosing to be with me now. After dating 3 1/2 years, he told me that they had decided they really loved each other - I was obviously devestated! They are married now, and I am now married to my wonderful DH (who I believe I was meant to be with) so it worked out. It was very hard though, and I questioned myself and our relationship a lot once it was over (like did he really love her the whole time he was with me?).

Overall, I'm not really a jealous person, even now. I have no problem with DH talking to his ex-girlfriends from time to time. He even went out to dinner with one of them once, which was fine with me. I can understand wanting to catch up with people who were such an important part of your life at one time. I would get worried if it went beyond very occasional catching up conversations. I would be very leery of one of his exes being so close to him, expecially after what happened to me. I think in a lot of those cases, there's a lot of feelings that have never been worked through.

 

[Forevryoung]

Sometimes I feel like my life is skewed Jealousy is childish and immature and a lack of trust in any area only destroys a relationship over time.

Only reason I posted this was I was curious about how others felt in similar situations and why jealousy was brought up to begin with because it didn't cross my mind. Many of you have confirmed my ideas of women and relationships.

At this point DBF and his ex's relationship was 20 years ago (high school before he left for the Marines).

DBF only asked to make sure I was ok with everything because someone had brought it up to him when he had mentioned the three of us had gone out. It never crossed his mind either. I wanted to meet her- she knows more about my boyfriend than I do and I picked her brain all night (stories of his past, stupid drunk moments, stories he's told me from her POV...)

I find it odd that most of you wouldn't let your husbands be friends with females without you immersed in the relationship as well (before you were involved or not). I wouldn't think of dictating who DBF talks to/hangs out with.

If he wanted to date "her", he would break up with me and pursue "her" (her being any other female besides me). He knows what it's like to have the love of your life cheat on you and would never do that to someone else.

Interesting how other people feel about opposite sex friendships!

 

[poohandwendy]

Only reason I posted this was I was curious about how others felt in similar situations and why jealousy was brought up to begin with because it didn't cross my mind. Many of you have confirmed my ideas of women and relationships.

Well then you have it all figured out for yourself at a very young age. That's awesome, I wish you luck with your relationship.

I find it odd that most of you wouldn't let your husbands be friends with females without you immersed in the relationship as well (before you were involved or not). I wouldn't think of dictating who DBF talks to/hangs out with.

I am sure some people would find your way of looking at relationships odd too. But that is here nor there, we all have to figure out what we want and make decisions we think are right for us.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

If he wanted to date "her", he would break up with me and pursue "her" (her being any other female besides me).

If this is a long distance relationship, how do you know he isn't??

 

[SDFgirl]

I stayed friends with an ex-boyfriend. We'll talk on the phone every 3 or 4 months, just to catch up, "How was your Christmas?" that kind of thing. That doesn't bother DH at all. He trusts me completely and knows there are nothing but platonic feelings between me and ex.

Also, DH as a few women friends that he keeps up with. They didn't date, but just got to be good friends in college. Never bothered me! I trust him 100%. I can hear them when they talk on the phone and I can tell they're asking about me because I can hear him saying, "Yeah, she's doing fine...yes, still teaching third grade...I'll tell her you said so."

 

[dis ms.]

OP, I find it interesting that you mistake awareness for mistrust. Many of us are merely saying keep an eye on things. Some posters here have told their own stories that started out similar to yours and resulted in the SO ending up with the close friend. It can and does happen.

That's great if--as you say--your BF is head over heels for you and would never cheat. I feel the same way about my DH. However, I think most people that are cheated on would have said their SO would never betray them.

Here's the thing: No matter how much your BF has told you about his confidante, you don't really know this woman. She's not your friend. She's just someone who is very close to your BF and with whom you had a nice dinner.

Congrats on having such a hopelessly devoted BF. Good luck with your relationship. If you're smart, though, you'll keep an eye on this woman. She doesn't owe you anything.