I've got a question, how would you handle this?

[Rajah]

One of my college friends recently approached me with a problem that I'm not entirely sure how to answer, but I know some people here have experience that could help.

She just recently started dating someone and really likes him (obviously, or she wouldn't still be dating him). He's a good guy as near as I can tell, and he does make her happy.

The problem is he just revealed to her that when he was a kid, he was abused "in a certain way" by his babysitter. He says he's over it, but she's not entirely sure he is. Now she doesn't know what to do, as she's never known someone who was abused.

The question is, what can she, as a friend and as a girlfriend, do to help him? She said he already tried talking to family and none of them beleived him, so he's hesitant to talk to anyone else.

My advice was to believe him, recommend he see a counsellor, and if she's going to stay in the relationship, be aware he may need joint counselling if the relationship goes much further than it is now.

Anyone have anything else they can add?

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

They've only recently started dating and he already told her something so significant? Honestly, I'd probably run away simply from the inappropriateness of dropping something so heavy on her lap so early in the relationship.

He's not over it. He needs counseling.

 

[honeywolf7]

About how long have they been dating?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He has her contacting his family and they deny it happening. He hasn't even STARTED to get over it.
He says he is over it? That is a big red flag to me and wierd.
I'd tell her to get out.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

He has her contacting his family and they deny it happening.

I didn't read it like that. I read that he said he tried to tell some family members and they didn't believe him. That is not uncommon.

It's an intensly personal issue and nobody has the right to demand that he needs to go into counselling right now. It's very possible that he is at a point in his life where he is doing fine and doesn't want counselling. If he is living a happy and well adjusted life, then he certainly has the right to make that decision. It's very possible that next month, in 6 months, in a year, or maybe never he may change his mind.

I would tell her that unless she can think of a way that the issue is effecting her or their relationship, she should simply be there to talk if he ever should want to talk. Otherwise, let him deal with his thoughts and emotions as he sees fit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oops, thanks Tobys Friend, my mistake.

 

[December99]

Another thing is for her to be supportive of any decisions he may make. Also to support him and let him know that although his family may not have wanted to listen or believe him - there ARE people that are willing to listen to him and help him through anything if it comes up in the future. That's an important first step - is non-denial. I think it's a good sign that he was very upfront about anything in his past with her - this could have effects on them if they became sexually involved and if they got married! Him trusting another person with his future kids is another item and he may need help eventually dealing with that fact - not all people are like his past babysitter. But she needs to be prepared for anything that might come her way and be prepared to offer that he seek counseling and that she will be supportive of him.

 

[Rajah]

Becki -- They've known each other for a few years, but they've only really moved from friends into the dating game a few months ago. I think it was about 4-6 months but I don't remember for sure. I do know he's pretty serious about their relationship (which may be why he was willing to confide in her now, before things got more serious).

TMM -- I understood it as Toby's Friend did. That when he was a kid and tried going to adults, the adults didn't believe him. I know that happens a *lot*, so I believe it could happen to him.

Chris -- I thought it was a good sign, too, that he confided in her. At least now it's not something that would come up 6 months after they've been married or something. Now she knows what she may be getting into, and I think it's great that she's wanting to help him instead of run away.

 

[TigH]

You gave her some great adivce. Hopefully he is over it and he doesn't want to use her as a therapist. While I think you have to be there for your friends through thick and thin, it could be a huge burden if he's not over it and he starts to talk about it with her all the time.

Good luck to your friend. I hope this relationship works out and that her boyfriend gets the help he needs.

 

[Serena]

Tammi, you are a good friend.

I can't think of any advice better than you've already gotten.