Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

[cabanafrau]

Yep! And if the daughter just came back and said "No, that's not what we want to do" then the OP needs to accept that. I'm guessing the daughter is complaining.

If the daughter has complaints with her fiance, mom and dad aren't the path to solving them.

Hmm okay. Well if your daughter is okay with that, then there's not really much you can do. Personally though, I would lose my mind if my SO told me we couldn't do at least one trip a year and I'm swimming in loan debt.

Would you view it differently if your SO was living with tremendous anxiety about swimming in so much debt? Would you think your desire to travel should trump their need to pay off debt first?

 

[Hikergirl]

OP- back off. If your dd is marrying this man then she knows all of this stuff about him, and has decided to accept it. You need to as well.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just my personal answer to the above question, mentioned by cabanfrau.
Yes, I could see, during lean times, temporarily forgoing travel or getaways.
( of course, WDW is expensive, and I am not talking about that kind of expense )

But, in the long run, yes, getting away is a mental health break for me.
Spending time with family, vacations, etc.. are important to me.
So, in the longer term, any expectation that we would just forego these things because my SO had racked up debt, could possibly end up being a deal-breaker.

When debt and finances become prison bars.... I might see that as a problem.

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

Would you view it differently if your SO was living with tremendous anxiety about swimming in so much debt? Would you think your desire to travel should trump their need to pay off debt first?

I probably wouldn't be with someone like that in the first place quite honestly. Traveling helps battle my severe depression and my SO would know how important it is for me to have positive outlets to combat that. Knowing I have a trip planned helps with MY tremendous anxiety.

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

Just my personal answer to the above question, mentioned by cabanfrau.
Yes, I could see, during lean times, temporarily forgoing travel or getaways.
( of course, WDW is expensive, and I am not talking about that kind of expense )

But, in the long run, yes, getting away is a mental health break for me.
Spending time with family, vacations, etc.. are important to me.
So, in the longer term, any expectation that we would just forego these things because my SO had racked up debt, could possibly end up being a deal-breaker.

When debt and finances become prison bars.... I might see that as a problem.

Yes this exactly. I don't want my debt to keep me from living. Yes I have debt but I still want to live my life and do things that make me happy.

 

[MamaBelle4]

He has debts from college and grad school and he has said that he can't afford to go on trips. He doesn't much else and he won't even go to concerts or sporting events once a year.

What I was going to predict is similar to this vein.

He grew up poor, right? Vacationing is not high on his list of priorities. I think you will find, once they are more financially secure, he will be more open to it. Either that, or the amount of money they have will never be enough.

Listen, I can't explain to you what it is like to grow up poor, but I can tell you I completely understand his perspective.

When you grow up not knowing where your next meal is coming from or if your electricity will be on in the morning or even if you will have a roof over your head, spending hundreds if not thousands on a week will seem frivolous, wasteful and, yes, stupid.

I would recommend two things, one maybe suggest a financial advisor to help them budget and give him confidence, and two stay out of it.

 

[Summer2018]

My daughter is getting married next year. Her fiance grew up poor as his father died when he was an infant and his mother's second husband became disabled and couldn't work. He has never been on a plane before and doesn't have a passport. Before they got engaged we invited him to come on our annual DisneyLand trip and he said no and told us upfront that he doesn't take handouts for trips, concerts, or other fun events.

They got engaged last year in June. We went to Hawaii a few months later and offered to take him and again the answer was no.

We are going to WDW in August and we have been all trying to get him to come on trip including our daughter. She has even said that she and him could around Orlando and do other things if he doesn't want to go around WDW. They got into a huge fight and he said that doesn't want our pity or us spending a lot of money on stupid little trip.

We just want to welcome him into our family and make him feel a part of our lives.

How frustrating. I don’t have any advice for you. I just want you to know that you are very generous, welcoming, and loving. Someone else would be very grateful. I hope that your family can figure this out.

 

[cabanafrau]

I probably wouldn't be with someone like that in the first place quite honestly. Traveling helps battle my severe depression and my SO would know how important it is for me to have positive outlets to combat that. Knowing I have a trip planned helps with MY tremendous anxiety.

It's good that you have that insight not to be with someone who has their own struggles. Although it is a bit ironic that at the same time you expect acceptance and priority given to yours.

 

[soccerdad72]

Continue to offer, but accept no as an answer. Otherwise, the best you can do is sit down with the two of them and explain that you meant no insult (or charity) by offering. But again, if that's their decision, best to let it be.

 

[weeniecat2442]

how would he feel if just your daughter went on the trip with you?

I've gone to WDW twice in the past six years with my family (mom, aunt and cousin) and he didn't join which was totally fine. He travels to NYC several times a year to visit friends and I usually don't join him on those trips either.

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

It's good that you have that insight not to be with someone who has their own struggles. Although it is a bit ironic that at the same time you expect acceptance and priority given to yours.

If you are a prisoner to your own debt, that's a much bigger issue and would cause more problems in the relationship than just a vacation. Everyone in the universe has debt, whether they like to admit it or not.

Everyone has their "dealbreakers". My mental health is mine. I almost lost myself trying to overlook my own to help someone else. Call me selfish if you wish.

 

[Southernmiss]

It is so true that two families marry, not just the couple.

So many things about how you grow up affect your views on a lot of life and can eek in at any time.

While it is very nice of the OP to want to include the fiancee in family vacations, this is DD's issue to work out with the fiancee.

And yes, our family would love to travel and go to events all together even after the kids marry if we could arrange it.

 

[soccerdad72]

If you are a prisoner to your own debt, that's a much bigger issue and would cause more problems in the relationship than just a vacation. Everyone in the universe has debt, whether they like to admit it or not.

The guy is young and being fiscally responsible, it would seem. IMO, that puts him in a much better position than many young people.

 

[cabanafrau]

If you are a prisoner to your own debt, that's a much bigger issue and would cause more problems in the relationship than just a vacation. Everyone in the universe has debt, whether they like to admit it or not.

Sure it is. It's not clear that's the case in this thread however. Personally I have no problem going on vacation knowing I have ongoing mortgage debt and a car loan. I would not enjoy myself knowing I have ongoing, outstanding credit card debt and will for many months or a year. My husband would agree with me. It's to the benefit of both halves of a couple to agree on things like that.

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

The guy is young and being fiscally responsible, it would seem. IMO, that puts him in a much better position than many young people.

Very true. And I'm sure her daughter knew going in that he is strict with money. I give him major props for that too. But he may spend his money on other things. Everyone has that " thing" they're willing to spend money on. For some people it's vacations, for others cars, etc. So I get why vacations may not be important to him.

 

[Disney_Alli]

I had a similar situation. When my husband and I first got together he turned down a trip to Hawaii with my parents. When I asked him why he said he didn’t need them to spend money on him. Rather than have a “huge fight” I explained to him that due to my family’s busy schedule and lives we reconnect by going on vacation and inviting him - and my sister’s husband - on trips like this wasn’t “pity” it was their way of welcoming him into the family. He agreed and we’ve happily done many trips together and with my parents since. While he didn’t necessarily grow up pour he did grow up on a cattle ranch where it was virtually impossible to leave for a vacation.

 

[sam_gordon]

"Back in the day", wasn't it expected that you took care of your debts before you spend on frivolities? And yes, a trip to DL or WDW or a cruise or whatever IS frivolous. You don't need to go somewhere to take a vacation.

It sounds to me like there's nothing wrong with his decision making. Just because you (general) don't agree with it doesn't mean it's "wrong".

OP, back off. If you DD doesn't want to travel without him, she either stays behind or convinces him to go. Either way, it's her battle/decision.

 

[FutureDisneyEventPlanner]

Sure it is. It's not clear that's the case in this thread however. Personally I have no problem going on vacation knowing I have ongoing mortgage debt and a car loan. I would not enjoy myself knowing I have ongoing, outstanding credit card debt and will for many months or a year. My husband would agree with me. It's to the benefit of both halves of a couple to agree on things like that.

I understand why vacations may not be important to him. Everyone has their priorities. When it comes to money though, I would like me and my other half to agree on what's important to spend money on and what's not. Mainly because I hate arguing about money. Money money money was all I heard growing up from my parents and it's gotten old.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

There isn't much you can do so I would back off.

If your daughter wants advice I'd tell her they need to get on the same page regarding finances before marriage so pre-marriage counseling would be a good idea. My husband and I did that since it was required by the Pastor who married us.

I grew up really poor - we had chickens and ate those and eggs alot. We grew our own vegetables and canned. We heated the house with a wood stove.
Yet when I grew up, I went on vacations. Nothing extravagant at first but I did do the occasional one for a break. I would not marry him if he is that strict with money! And if I did marry him, I'd be keeping a separate checking account for my personal stuff.

Good luck.

 

[sunshinehighway]

It's good that you have that insight not to be with someone who has their own struggles. Although it is a bit ironic that at the same time you expect acceptance and priority given to yours.

I think you are reading things into those posts that aren't there. I think the poster is just talking about comparability and lifestyle issues. She wouldn't be compatible with someone who never wanted to travel . There's nothing wrong with that. Its not that one is right and one is wrong, it's just acknowledging there's a difference and they don't blend well.