Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    My daughter is getting married next year. Her fiance grew up poor as his father died when he was an infant and his mother's second husband became disabled and couldn't work. He has never been on a plane before and doesn't have a passport. Before they got engaged we invited him to come on our annual DisneyLand trip and he said no and told us upfront that he doesn't take handouts for trips, concerts, or other fun events.

    They got engaged last year in June. We went to Hawaii a few months later and offered to take him and again the answer was no.

    We are going to WDW in August and we have been all trying to get him to come on trip including our daughter. She has even said that she and him could around Orlando and do other things if he doesn't want to go around WDW. They got into a huge fight and he said that doesn't want our pity or us spending a lot of money on stupid little trip.

    We just want to welcome him into our family and make him feel a part of our lives.
     
  2. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    There's nothing you can do and you should back off. This is now a situation that your daughter needs to deal with. Honestly, this sounds like a bit of trouble to me and I think she needs to work that out prior to the wedding. Or she has to make up her mind that a family vacation with her parents is NEVER going to happen. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
     
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  4. SharonZ

    SharonZ DIS Veteran

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    It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to go, I would back off. I also think this could be a larger problem than just a trip to Disney. He may be very controlling with money after they are married.
     
  5. CdnCarrie

    CdnCarrie DIS Veteran

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    Honestly once I hit 18 I had no desire to travel with the parental units. Maybe he doesn't want to travel in a group.
    Does he and his fiance travel alone?
     
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  6. okeydokey

    okeydokey Frosty the Snowman scared me as a child.

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    You need to respect the boundaries he is trying to set with you. Their future travel is their business and your daughter will decide what is acceptable to her.
     
  7. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    He's entitled to his opinions. They're also not absolutely set in stone. It may be that if you're patient and respectful of his opinions and feelings he may feel differently in the future. Many people do not vacation with multiple generations of extended family and manage to be very much a part of each others' lives in meaningful ways.

    Life has enough potential to be stressful and relationships to go sideways. There's no need for you to create this issue in the first place.
     
  8. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    He doesn't travel anywhere. He said that growing up his mother and now deceased stepfather couldn't afford to even go out of state for a weekend. He has never had any kind of travel experience and he and my daughter don't travel alone.
     
    Summer2018 likes this.
  9. Floridaman999

    Floridaman999 Livin' the life

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    I think you might want to let this one go and let him be him. You may not understand it or agree with it but your daughter is planning to spend the rest of her life with him so this might not be the best battle for you to have.
     
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  10. FutureDisneyEventPlanner

    FutureDisneyEventPlanner DIS Veteran

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    Why doesn't he just pay for himself? I could understand him not wanting you to pay because he wants to prove he can provide for himself. But if he just doesn't want to go on family trips at all, I could see that being a big issue in the future...but your daughter will be the one to handle that.
     
  11. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    Possibly. It's also quite possible that this happens to raise some really raw feelings for him at a deep level and in no way is indicative of his controlling nature.
     
  12. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    I agree with you for the most part. But in reading the OP's post (and I realize I'm getting just her side on what the daughter is telling her), he and the daughter got into a "huge" fight and he's using terms like "pity" and doesn't want money spent on him on a "stupid little vacation."

    That doesn't sound at all like "I don't want to go on vacation with your parents" which is a perfectly reasonable request.

    Why does he get to call the shots and claim it's pity? Why does he determine if it's "stupid" and they can't go? Why does his irrational (IMO) views on having someone treat you, get to dictate what vacations are taken? I think it's selfish.

    If that's not the real case though and he just doesn't want to spend his probably few days of leave with the in-laws, then he should just say that.

    Edited to add: Again, I want to stress that this really is between the daughter and her boyfriend. If she agrees with his views, she needs to quit telling mom about the fight and what his words are. If she doesn't agree with him (which is what it sounds like) there's a bigger issue.
     
  13. melcwa

    melcwa Earning My Ears

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    He has debts from college and grad school and he has said that he can't afford to go on trips. He doesn't much else and he won't even go to concerts or sporting events once a year.
     
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  14. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    By the same token OP seems pretty determined to control the vacation plans of both her adult daughter and her significant other. Isn't No a complete answer an adult is free to give to an invitation?
     
  15. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Yep! And if the daughter just came back and said "No, that's not what we want to do" then the OP needs to accept that. I'm guessing the daughter is complaining.
     
  16. FutureDisneyEventPlanner

    FutureDisneyEventPlanner DIS Veteran

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    Hmm okay. Well if your daughter is okay with that, then there's not really much you can do. Personally though, I would lose my mind if my SO told me we couldn't do at least one trip a year and I'm swimming in loan debt. :rotfl:
     
  17. sunshinehighway

    sunshinehighway Registered

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    You need to back off. Your daughter knows these things about him (frugal, doesn't travel, doesn't go to concerts, sporting events). She shouldn't expect to change him and neither should you.
     
  18. morgan98

    morgan98 DIS Veteran

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    Quite frankly, your daughter is an adult and this is something she is going to have to deal with. Putting pressure (even if you don't intend too) by pushing the travel issue and repeatedly bringing it up is putting her in the middle and may be making things difficult for her.

    While it is very generous of you to want to take them on trips, perhaps he really doesn't want to go. He doesn't really owe anyone besides your daughter an explanation. Maybe your daughter likes the family trips but is willing to deal with her husbands issues.

    ETA: Travel is a big part of my life, especially to Europe (I go about twice a year). This is an important part of my life with my husband as well. However, people have different priorities and there are people who never really vacation and that is okay too.
     
  19. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    First, I will say that I can empathize!!!!
    I would so love to be able to travel with our son and his long-time girlfriend / fiance.
    But, she is still young. Her family is very 'involved'. So, this is just not to be, for quite some time.
    This is not quite the same as you, but
    I know this kind of issue/separation can feel!!

    He is 'family, so the fact that he thinks that this kind of family thing is a 'handout'. Is unfortunate, and could easily be taken as disrespectful, as I assume that it is very clear that this is not 'charity'. If.. IF... your daughter would love to travel with her SO and her family, it might seem that he is not respecting her wishes. ( If this is a case where he just wants nothing to do with her family, that might be a whole different, and even more serious issue.)

    Having said that...

    His issues....
    Your daughter's issue.
    Stay out of it....

    In the end, you can't get (force) another adult to do something that they truly do not want to do, or are very uncomfortable doing. So you might want to consider a slight adjustment to your 'angle' / expectations.

    Sorry if this has become a real problem for your daughter and the man she has chosen.
    But, it is up to her, and him, to sort out.
    Hugs :grouphug:
     
  20. JaxDad

    JaxDad DIS Veteran

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    Maybe he has a real fear of traveling and just doesn't want to admit it or confront it with others at this time...
     
  21. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    If your daughter is okay with this.... and, this IS what she is choosing, then absolutely this is HER issue/problem to sort out.

    Whether this guy seems to be 'controlling' in general, or not, if his issues with money are that serious and that deep-seated, then yes, this could be a very very big problem with your daughter for the rest of her life. If he is uncomfortable spending money on anything, he is uncomfortable with family members, like yourself, spending money on anything, he is absolutely and 100% going to have those issues with your daughter ever, ever, spending money on anything... He will continue to be very controlling of anything concerning finances and spending.

    This vacation is not the big worry here.
    Your daughter could be getting into a situation where money issues do, very much, control her autonomy in life.

    He is, psychologically denying and imprisoning himself due to some obvious personal money-issues.
    This WILL be projected onto her.
     

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