Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    That's precisely what was meant about it being a benefit to both halves to agree on things like that.

    I don't however think it's beneficial for one half to continually come up with explanations of why their desires are in fact a need. That generally sows seeds for trouble that bloom at really inconvenient times.

    ETA It's also notable that you're advocating that your upbringing is a valid reason for your preferences. Many responses here take the view that OP's future SIL should simply get over anything from his past. Sauce for the goose . . .
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  2. 4kids4karen

    4kids4karen DIS Veteran

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    He has made his opinion known and you need to respect that. Don't continue to try to make him feel obligated to accept as it clearly causes more harm than good.
     
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  4. FutureDisneyEventPlanner

    FutureDisneyEventPlanner DIS Veteran

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    I just think, especially in this situation, there should be compromise. For example, I like to take multiple trips a year, but I would compromise for one a year if I knew my SO had problems spending money or something. Even though he has debt, I think he should compromise to go once and just see how it goes with the family. But either way, that's between the daughter and the SIL.
     
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  5. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    I think you're reading things in my posts that aren't there. I specifically stated that it benefits both halves of a couple to agree on things like this.

    I do find it ironic that it's a-ok for one half to simply say -- I need a vacation to deal with my anxieties and push to the side suggestions that their other half may be struggling with anxieties over mounting debt. In that case it's good to have insight that mixing the two isn't a formula for success.
     
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  6. neverlandsky

    neverlandsky DIS Veteran

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    His decision should be respected and there's nothing wrong with it. Vacations do add up money wise even if the trip is paid for or gifted. We just had to cancel part of our vacation yesterday. We had to pay almost $550 in cancellation fees, yet we'll save in gas, food, & other expenses. We're debt free by the way, had this trip planned and paid last year. Yet it's just life happened with a job relocation and we're indeed moving again next year. It just made sense for us to scale back and save some money.
     
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  7. Floridaman999

    Floridaman999 Livin' the life

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    Is this where the OP moves on and everyone else just fights with each other?
     
  8. scrapquitler

    scrapquitler DIS Veteran

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    Back off. I wouldn't want to travel with my in-laws, especially if I still was only engaged and not married. Not everyone likes to travel. This is something that you need to let he and your daughter work out among themselves.
     
  9. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    His issues with the trips may not even be known to his fiance. It's not impossible that there is something he's not willing to share about why he doesn't want to go. People are known to cover up deep hurts or anxieties with over the top explanations.

    It may be that this is a tip off that he's irrationally controlling about money. It may be that he's in fact completely terrified of air travel and embarrassed by it. It may be that he realizes that his fiance's family are nice enough, but wouldn't be his idea of fun in a situation like a vacation, that they paid for, that maybe they have expectations about how the time is spent together. It may be that OP is embellishing his reasons for refusal to influence responses. It may be that he sees a pattern developing where the fiance's family is asserting themselves into a power position in the relationship and he's looking to establish boundaries.
     
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  10. Lynne M

    Lynne M Moderator Moderator

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    I think in situations like this, you make the offer once, and that's it. Pushing beyond that is only going to cause offense and wounded pride, and that's going to make life difficult for your daughter.

    I have friends that are like this, FWIW. It really is a matter of pride with them - if they can't afford something for themselves, they won't do it. You see it as a no-strings gift. He sees it as a handout. Neither of you are wrong, you just think differently about how to handle money.

    This is entirely your daughter's business, and theirs as a couple. Perhaps it's given them an opening to talk about they way they're going to handle money as a couple, and that's always a good thing. Once they get on their feet financially, maybe he'll feel more comfortable with taking vacations. Maybe he never will. Maybe she'll come along and he won't. Maybe she'll prefer not to vacation without him.
     
  11. gillep

    gillep DIS Veteran

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    Outside of having to travel to family functions (graduations, showers, etc.) my husband and I hardly traveled at all the first 6 years we were together (dating and married). I think we took one weekend beach trip with friends where we all cooked and crammed as many people as allowed in the house to keep costs down. We also joined his family for a day or two when they went to the beach, but it was only like an hour drive from their house. We were busy with our careers, had little vacation time, had just bought a house, and were trying to pay off our educations and get our financial feet under us so to speak. We are both hard workers and were trying to figure out how to balance our finances and figure out what worked for us in terms of saving vs spending and getting an idea of how to budget and save, vacations were not on the top of our must-do list. Now, we vacation all the time. It took us a while to find that happy medium and what worked best for us. Thankfully, we were both on the same page, but I can also completely see in a sense where he is coming from, this is something they need to work out themselves to see what works the best in their relationship.
     
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  12. Julylady

    Julylady DIS Veteran

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    Hi OP, if you are still reading. If I were you, I would casually bring up this topic with your daughter. Not to try to get him to change his mind, but rather for her to make sure she understands where he is coming from and whether or not that is a place she wants to live. I have a friend who was raised poor and his family never, ever went on vacation even once when he was a kid. As an adult, he rarely took his family on vacation either. All of his travel was spent visiting family out of state. He doesn't miss vacations since he never took them. Your future SIL could be 1) unwilling to spend money on "frills" when he sees needs elsewhere (paying back loans, saving for home), 2) unwilling to be "beholden" to others due to pride, 3) have anxieties related to travel or being away from home, 4) have concern about leaving pets behind, 5) not inclined to spend time with the in-laws. Some of these might change over time, some might not. Either way, I would be gently suggesting that your daughter probe a bit to find out his motivation. One suggestion is to offer to plan a very low cost, local trip where he pays his own way and see if he is willing, perhaps a zoo, a concert, or an amusement park. How he reacts to a local outing may give you insight.
     
  13. Skellingtonj

    Skellingtonj DIS Veteran

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    Same. And the more you push, the more he will pull away.
     
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  14. barkley

    barkley DIS Veteran<br><font color=orange>If I ever have a

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    these are the kind of situations that can deeply impact a person's perspective on setting financial priorities. in both cases he/his mother were left with the male adult in the household unable to financially provide support (or adequately provide it). this is a young man who has lived with the consequences of this and likely has an attitude of 'I will never put my family in that situation' so he's looking at the long vs. short term.

    both dh and I were (at different times) totally and permanently disabled but fortunately we had made what others might consider 'sacrifices' but for us were just lifestyle choices wherein we had monies/insurance vs. vacation, activity...memories such that we/our kids haven't experienced a tremendously lowered lifestyle. as teens our kids (due to the housing crash and recession) saw their peers in DIRE circumstances when their parents experienced short term but devastating job/home losses and they questioned how come in our situation it didn't occur. we were forthcoming in explaining the choices we had made BEFORE 'bad things' happened and how, if they choose, they can make lifestyle choices that will impact what they can do in good and bad times.


    frankly, allot of people don't go to concerts or sporting events. just not their thing or they can find allot better to spend (for a couple) a minimum of $100 for txt/parking/snacks.




    I agree wholeheartedly. so many people with college debt can't afford rent and would benefit from paying less (in some markets) for a home but crippling college loans prevent it. I would much rather see someone bury that debt and not have it hanging over their head-esp. if having their own kids down the line is a goal. I know way too many young couples where it's not anywhere near a choice if a parent can stay home with a newborn for more than a few weeks post birth b/c of college loans on top of mortgages on top of consumer debt they've run up for wants vs. needs. I will forever be thankful that as a new mom with both of my kids the choices dh and I made as newly marrieds afforded us choices.

    all of this said-I think every couple contemplating marriage or any arrangement that comingles finances needs to make sure they are on the same page as far as money goes. it may not be the same page either set of in-laws follow but it needs to be one in the same for that couple.
     
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  15. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    It just dawned on me that in your OP you said he won't do things like concerts and other fun events.
    Throughout their entire relationship they haven't done anything that required purchasing something (a ticket, a drink, etc)?
     
  16. QueenIsabella

    QueenIsabella DIS Veteran

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    I have a couple points to make, aside from telling the OP that she's asked politely, been refused, and needs to let it go.

    First off, when we were first married, my IL's paid for us to vacation with them. While this was generous, it also came with strings--THEY picked the destination, THEY picked the activities, THEY drove the rental car, THEY assigned room sin the condo--giving us, the newlyweds, the room with twin beds, and then complaining when we pushed them together. The vacations felt less like a gift and more like an obligation. Not saying this is the OP's intent, but it happens.

    Second off, my DS21 has a number of issues--Asperger's, sensory processing, a couple others, plus he's introverted to the extreme. Traveling isn't a big "thing" with him. Now, we do take a family trip to a ranch each summer--he loves that. He went to Scotland and Ireland with his dad for HS graduation--had a nice time. But, he won't go to Europe with the rest of the family this summer. Too hot and touristy for his taste, which I understand. I feel bad about him staying home--who wants to exclude one of their children? But, I respect that Rome in July might not be his thing. I'm trying to get him to consider other types/times/places to travel that might be more suited to his personality--perhaps a small, river cruise ship might work better for him, or Rome in October, or visiting Eastern Europe instead of the more common sights. My point is, people have different tastes. That doesn't make them wrong.

    I do think the OP's heart is in the right place, but she's not in a position to change her SIL-to-be. What she CAN do is remind her DD that there's a standing offer for the couple to accompany family, they would be welcome any time, and at whatever level works for the couple (fewer days? separate accommodations? pick their own activities?). And MEAN IT.
     
  17. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    I had just returned from a trip to Europe when I met a man who said he didn't see himself ever travelling outside the country. We fell in love, but even planning the honeymoon was hard because he really couldn't see the point of travelling. I married him with my eyes wide open.

    27 years later we have travelled outside the country and hope to do more. We've seen much of the US with the goal of all 50 states. We BOTH are frugal and wouldn't travel if we couldn't afford it, but I prioritize travel more than he does. He has things he prioritizes that I don't agree with too. Marriage is about compromise.

    I'm happy that DH now enjoys travelling, but if he didn't I was prepared for that. I knew travelling with my sister or with girlfriends was a possibility.

    The biggest issue I see here is that the OP's dd is engaged and should be getting ready to make her life with her fiance. Extended family (and yes, that means parents and siblings once you get married) will become secondary and they will be making plans together. It's their issue now and OP won't have any say.


    I get it. My oldest is about to get engaged and I'm having to stay out of things I used to be involved in with him. It's hard!!
     
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  18. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    In the OP it was just said "he doesn't take handouts for trips, concerts, or other fun events." So I interpret that to mean that he wouldn't want to go on trips, concerts, or other things if it meant he needed to rely on others for the cost aspect.
     
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  19. mousefanmichelle

    mousefanmichelle DIS Veteran

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    I think you need to stay out of it. You offered, he declined. If your daughter wants to go with you and he is on board with that then take her.

    I do not want to travel with my inlaws. They are perfectly fine people but I don't want to be on any ones schedule besides my own. It is an inconvenience to me to travel with others inlaws, friends, etc. I just would rather not. BTW he doesn't have to travel with you to be a part of your family - you just need to respect his decision.
     
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  20. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    Yes you are correct, I had to go back and re-read I swore she said he didn't go to concerts or any fun events, but in another post she says concerts or sporting events. I must have mixed up the two.
    That makes more sense, I was thinking how odd it would be to be seriously dating someone and not go out and do "fun things" with them.
     
  21. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    OP I'm not sure why you are personally hung up on this. Vacations are a luxury not a necessity. Most people do enjoy taking them but they aren't the same thing as having funds to pay off debt, having the funds to be at least somewhat comfortable at home with meal, housing, etc costs. Those kinds of things are probably more on his mind than anything.

    I would stop pushing it and if it's your daughter venting..just let her vent. She likely knew all along how he felt about things it's just for her it's a different viewpoint since she grew up in what appears to be a family that went on vacations frequently enough just based on the various multiple vacations you've already spoken about in a short-ish time.

    Going on vacations with you guys isn't a battle I would fight and you should probably come to grips that your trips with your daughter may and likely will fade out.
     
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