Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. barkley

    barkley DIS Veteran<br><font color=orange>If I ever have a

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    when asked over a year ago for trip #1 he said no and gave his reasoning for declining any offers of the type.
    when asked again last summer for trip #2 he again said no.
    now he's got multiple people (not sure who the 'all' is but it sounds like more than just future in-laws and fiancée) repeatedly asking for trip #3.



    if someone didn't accept my first 'no' esp. if I offered my reasoning with it which I don't feel i'm obligated to provide and then spent kept asking the same of me repeatedly for over a year:faint::faint: they would be lucky I was still speaking to them at all. I think that if the fiancée did call the trip stupid it was far less impolite than the op's repetitive asking of a question long ago answered.
     
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  2. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Uncle! A few of you are quite relentless.
     
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  4. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    Some of us relentless bunch took OP at his word on page one and encouraged patience and willingness to accept things with a hope that the relationship will grow in the future. Personally I took OP at their word again when their suggested solution is a camping trip with himself and the happy couple. I think that speaks volumes.
     
  5. Colleen27

    Colleen27 DIS Veteran

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    No. Because both are fundamental to the kind of life they will have as a married couple. Isn't the ideal within marriage to make decisions jointly, or at least to take the other's feelings into account rather than declaring rigid positions unilaterally?

    Exactly. If we're going to question every word and weave whole situations that might have happened outside of the information that has been shared, there's really no basis for discussion IMO.

    If they were a united front, she would have delivered that "no" either firmly enough to be accepted or with an excuse her parents would accept. BTDT. If DH & I are agreed we don't want to do something, and we're dealing with one of those "just won't take no for an answer" people, a work or kid conflict that demands our attention elsewhere magically materializes. If she didn't want to go, or didn't care about her fiancee going, she likely wouldn't have shared her disappointment with the situation the way she did. She'd just have said he couldn't get off work and the OP would have had no choice but to move on. The very fact that she didn't deliver a clear and unequivocal no suggests she's unhappy with getting that response from her fiancee and is leaning on her parents (inappropriately, but still...) to be allies in trying to change his mind.
     
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  6. NotUrsula

    NotUrsula DIS Veteran

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    At first I overlooked that the OP was Dad and not Mom. That *may* be adding layers on layers here, especially if the bride has always been a Daddy's girl. When that relationship is a close one, sometimes it can create tension between a Dad and a spouse, even when you don't intend it to be so. For the younger man, every interaction with Dad has the potential to feel like some kind of test to be passed, and SILs are often afraid of coming up short, especially when the bride comes from money and the groom does not.

    If the issue is that the OP really wants to get to know the prospective SIL as a person, the very best thing to do is to ask his advice about something. Something real, that he is confident about, and if he agrees to provide it, shut up and listen, and don't offer him any money for any reason, except maybe buying him a drink or a cheap lunch while you talk. Good rapport between FIL/SIL is best initially built WITHOUT the presence of the daughter/wife, because you don't want her reactions to factor into how your perceive one another. Don't try to be his Dad -- you're not, and you need to recognize that it is possible that as much as he loves your daughter, he may never truly come to feel like part of YOUR family. Not everyone has that kind of relationship with in-laws, and not everyone wants it, either. It doesn't make either man a bad person at all, but it does require that boundaries be set and respected if you are all going to get along without strife.
     
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  7. NYCgrrl

    NYCgrrl DIS Veteran

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    Sounds like he is focused toward the future and has a sense of what is most important to him at the current time.
    I don't see controlling behavior coming from him.
     
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  8. lan3

    lan3 Mouseketeer

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    My inlaws have always offered to pay for us to go on trips. Dh and I do not accept because we prefer to do what we want on vacation. We accepted twice and my inlaws pick the destination and the activities. I value my independence and now I decline. We also declined their help for our wedding for similar reasons. My inlaws control with money. They are nice people but they really like things their way and paying for things gives them say.
     
  9. marcyleecorgan

    marcyleecorgan DIS Veteran

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    Just saw this so I will respond:

    Yes. That's what I have to do in a few short weeks this summer when the road trip takes us to the In-Laws' lake cabin. I HATE lakes, I HATE fishing, I HATE no internet service... but I'm going. And I will read all the books in the cottage and do some sketches and I'm going to tell the In-Laws that "I am having an AWESOME TIME and thank you so very much for your kind hospitality." :P
     
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  10. MaryLovesPoohBear

    MaryLovesPoohBear DIS Veteran

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    If my husband wasn't an only child, I would think we shared the same in-laws. Although his don't control with money, they just threw it up in your face every time you saw them. Oh, and told everyone else about it. Aren't they wonderful? They Paid for XYZ! Don't you owe it to them to do what they want you to do?

    To her, at least, gifts come with strings.
     
  11. kimmar067

    kimmar067 TAGS?? It's all about the 'likes' now!

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    ....I 100% agree...
     
  12. Disney  Doll

    Disney Doll DIS Security Matron

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    If the SIL is just being very careful at this point in Time due to having quite a bit of debt then it’s understandable that he’s reluctant to go, although his insistence on paying his own way always is a little over the top.

    If I were marrying him I’d be having a conversation about finances, spending and future travel. It’s one thing to skimp a little when first married. It’s another thing to be parsimonious all ones life.
     
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  13. puck

    puck Earning My Ears

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    Ok I guess I’ll be the one to “go there”. If this was my son’s fiancé rejecting vacations, concerts and sports outings not only with us oldies but altogether I would gently point out that this behavior is not likely to change when they are married and is this the life he really wants?

    My son has always traveled with us. I would be disappointed if his future wife was totally against it. I would suck it up if that’s what they both wanted but if he was still interested I would still offer at least to him. Married people don’t have to travel together. My husband and I have had many vacations apart with our own families. He used to go fishing with his dad and siblings every year off the outer banks. I went once. After seeing the giant raccoons and TP flags from all the fishermen doing their business in the dunes I graciously declined all future invitations. No thanks. I didn’t expect my husband not to go though. Have a wonderful time sweetie! Don’t get mauled by the raccoons! When our son was old enough he took him and I had a lovely week to myself.
     
  14. mom2rtk

    mom2rtk Bring Back MARIE!

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    Married people don't have to travel with their parents either.
     
  15. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    For the majority of folks I would hazard they do occasional travel with family at best. Consistent travel, as well as annual travel is likely more on the rare side.

    As far as your comment about married people not having to travel together..yeah in this case the future son-in-law has no problem with the daughter going on trips with her family without him so sounds like you and your husband right?
     
  16. puck

    puck Earning My Ears

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    I know many extended families that have yearly vacations. Especially if they have a vacation cabin or beach condo. If the daughter is expecting travel with family to be part of her future and the fiancé is completely opposed they should work that out before they get married.

    I missed the part where he said the fiancé was ok with her going. I do think that will change once they are married. He will be resentful of her spending the vacation time and her parents paying for HIS wife if he is so hung up on the money.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2018
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  17. QueenIsabella

    QueenIsabella DIS Veteran

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    But it might change in another way, too. Once the young man is established, has his student loans under control, and has upgraded his 12yo car, he might feel more inclined to travel. AS he gets to know his ILs better, and maybe doesn't feel so compelled to do things their way, maybe he'll be more willing to consider traveling with them. As I see it, he was asked once, and declined due to cost. He was asked a second time, and declined due to cost. He was then asked a third time--how many times does he have to state his case before he gets a little peeved?

    I think a lot of people on this thread just can't wrap their minds around the thought of turning down a free trip--especially to WDW. I get it. 15 or so years ago, my MIL offered to take my oldest on an Alaskan cruise--DD turned her down flat.. I was mystified and horrified--who would do such a thing? But, DD had her reasons, which I respect. Funny how these days, if I offer DD travel, she jumps on it in a hot second. But again--that may change in the future, when she's no longer single.
     
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  18. The Mystery Machine

    The Mystery Machine Sunrise at my house. :+)

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    Sheldon: A gift is an obligation.

     
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  19. NYCgrrl

    NYCgrrl DIS Veteran

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    I'd like this more if the forum let me.
     

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