Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by melcwa, May 15, 2018.

  1. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    I don't want to go in vacation with my in-laws either (been there, done that) but I'm perfectly clear with them that when I want to use my limited vacation days, it's on something *I* want to do, not for someone else's vacation. I don't concoct a story about not wanting to take their money. So I see what you're saying but feel it's a totally separate issue than what the future son-in-law is communicating.

    He's got a real strong mindset that he will do NO activity if it is funded by other people. That's fine. I hope his future wife also feels that way.

    I very much enjoy vacationing with my adult children. We have a great time. I sincerely hope that when and if they are in significant relationships that they will continue to vacation with us, although it's not an expectation. If their partner doesn't want to, I can also understand that because I have felt that way. Yep, I'll be a little sad. What I would definitely struggle with is someone that "would" go on vacation but won't be cause of some very vehement pride of someone paying for the room, tickets, transportation. It just seems a little disingenuous on his part and it doesn't seem like he gives two hoots about what his fiancée might want to do. I think he should compromise slightly.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  2. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    I'm not the couple obviously but I'm sure they've done some stuff that would qualify as fun just maybe not what the OP's definition is.

    Concerts aren't what I would consider a must though by the wording of the OP of "he won't even go to concerts or sporting events once a year" it's like it's treated as a must; you're right though the wording isn't exactly clear on that comment if it's that he won't go to concerts because they lack the funds to go and he won't take what he perceives as a handout or if it's just that he's not interested in them.

    In the 10 years together my husband and I have been to exactly 2 concerts that we've personally paid for that I can remember. All other concerts were events his company gave him tickets for or had a suite at the event place and gave him tickets for. We're just not really concert people. My mom did take me to a concert a while back as her Christmas present to me.

    As far as sporting events we haven't gone to many at all that we've paid out of pocket for. The rest were either tickets family gave us because they couldn't go or because again my husband's work gave him tickets or they had a company suite. It could be years in between going to a sporting event. We do enjoy them we just don't place much importance on them (and shoot with the football games it costs and arm and a leg anyways to park now).

    I'm really thinking this (meaning the OP's situation) comes down to differences in perception of the situation but that's sorta a shot in the dark as there's not a ton to go off of.
     
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  4. CarolAnn856

    CarolAnn856 DIS Veteran

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    I am getting married next year. I grew up poor, as my father died when I was an infant, and my mother's second husband became disabled and couldn't work. I have never been on a plane before and don't have a passport.

    Before we got engaged, my fiancee's parents invited me to come on their annual Disneyland trip. I thanked them but said no and told them upfront that I don't like to have other peope pay for trips, concerts, or other fun events for me. We got engaged last year in June. Her parents went to Hawaii a few months later and offered to take me, and again my answer was no.

    They are going to WDW in August and they have been all trying to get me to come on trip, including my fiancee. I know her parents are pressuring her, and it's causing problems between us.

    She said that we could do things in Orlando if I don't want to go around WDW. But, I know her parents would expect us to be with them a lot, and even if they pay for the hotel and flights, there are lot of small expenses along the way.

    We got into a huge fight, because she knows I'm working on paying off debt I have (student loans, mostly). It's important to me to be financially responsible and independent, given what I had to grow up with. I want to be sure I can provide for her and our future kids, especially if something should happen to me. She has a great job, but things like houses and kids are expensive, lol!

    I said some dumb things, like I don't want their pity or them spending a lot of money on a stupid little trip, and of course I apologized. I'm just frustrated that my future in-laws keep pressuring her to change my mind, when she and I were okay with our decision.

    I just want her parents to respect me and stop trying to call the shots.

    - the fiance, probably
     
  5. mom2rtk

    mom2rtk Bring Back MARIE!

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    I know it's inconceivable to many here, but vacations are not a necessity in life. I know plenty of people who don't travel much at all. I know plenty of people without a passport, myself included.

    OP, your daughter is an adult. She has made her choice. She loves him and decided she wants to marry him. You offered. Now it's time to back off.

    FWIW, there is absolutely no chance on earth I would have wanted to travel with my in-laws.
     
  6. design_mom

    design_mom probably more like my dad than I care to admit

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    I can see this from two angles: First, my dad is similar. He didn't grow up with much and still, to this day, he'd rather go without than think someone's giving him something out of pity. If he can't pay his own way (or doesn't value whatever-it-is enough to spend his own money on it), he's unlikely to take anybody else's for it.

    Also, my husband didn't grow up traveling. It wasn't for lack of money, it just wasn't something their family did (except to visit relatives.) I thought he would come to value it as much as I did, once he tried it. I was wrong. He would rather spend his money on stuff than experiences. If he traveles, he'd be happy to go back to the same place year after year. But really, he'd happily spend his vacation time at home goofing off, or working on a household project. That is NOT my idea of a vacation.

    We've come to a reasonable compromise (been married 22 years), but I'm resigned that I'll never get to see some of the places I like to see (unless I go without him, which he wouldn't like either.) So, if this is a big "disconnect" in values between your daughter and her fiance, it could be something they'd want to discuss further. I think I was kind of naive in assuming that everyone would love to travel if they had the opportunity/could afford it/whatever. It's just not true.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
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  7. FlightlessDuck

    FlightlessDuck Y kant Donald fly?

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    Well, I mean, she and her husband could pay for their own way, right? Then it's not a handout.
     
  8. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    There was a vacation several years back where my brother-in-law (before they got married or even engaged) went with us with his girlfriend (one of my sister-in-laws). They were still teens though I know he was over 18 I just can't remember if she was 17 or 18 at that time but anyways they shared a room with my husband and I (wasn't very ideal). Anyways the brother-in-law was somewhat similar to the OP's situation except for a salient point in that he had no problem taking what others offered in terms of $. But he was like the OP in that he didn't like to travel.

    The sister-in-law didn't go with us on any of the outings. We were staying at a hotel in Plymouth and they didn't go to Plymouth Plantation, Salem, MA, Cape Cod, MA, Newport, RI, etc. They stayed back at the hotel just lazing about. And the brother-in-law brought with him very little cash but it was all the cash he really had. He only brought like 2 pairs of clothing. Well the in-laws feeling like they had to take responsibility for him paid for news clothes for him, paid for all his meals (which wasn't any different than back at home TBH), paid for souviners and almost paid for an early plane ticket home as after 2 days he was begging to go back home.

    All of us refuse now to go on another trip with them both. It wasn't so much the brother-in-law's fault..you see..he compromised. His girlfriend really really wanted him to go. She had been on a few family vacations since I had met them all without him but wanted him to go with them this time. He was scared to death of flying as he had never done it before, he lacked funds really at all, and growing up vacations weren't a priority at all.

    Now granted they were teens but legitimately some things you can compromise on some things you can't. I do believe there is geniunely a difference in someone prohibiting you (general you) from going on vacation vs being personally uncomfortable or it not being of great importantance with going but allowing the other one to go. TBH it wasn't perfectly clear in the OP if the future son-in-law was actually prohibiting the OP's daughter from coming or if it was just they were still vacationing with the daughter and kept trying to get the future son-in-law to come too.
     
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  9. jerseygal

    jerseygal DIS Veteran

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    I hope that you can come to some sort of compromise. I totally agree; you and your fiancé decisions are YOUR decisions and should be respected by both families. Please understand too that your fiances parents are trying to spend time with their daughter and future son in law in a vacation setting where you can all get to know each other a bit better.:grouphug: Best of luck in this and your future marriage!::yes::
     
  10. bethwc101

    bethwc101 DIS Veteran

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    DH loves to travel with my side, but we rarely ever travel with his family. My family likes to do fun activites with lots to do. DH family likes to sit in a cabin, play bored games (pun intended), and argue. So with limited PTO, it is almost a no brainer where we are going to use our time off. DH family gets butt hurt, and we have told them, if they choose to do something fun, we will go with them too.
     
  11. Grumpy's Gal

    Grumpy's Gal DIS Veteran

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    If you didn’t grow up poor, it’s possible you will never be able to understand.
     
  12. Colleen27

    Colleen27 DIS Veteran

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    I agree with those who have said it is your daughter's issue to tackle. There really isn't anything you can or should do; it would be meddling in their relationship.

    I hope this is something the young couple has talked about in terms of what it will mean for them in the future because IME it is hard to "convert" someone who sees experiences as a waste of money into enjoying things like vacations and concerts. If they're having "huge" fights about this now, when it isn't even about their money footing the bill, there's a very good chance that it will be even worse when your DD wants to spend their hard-earned money on vacation like the ones she has fond memories of from her childhood and he's still holding onto the lessons of poverty that spending money on travel is stupid. My husband came from a similar background and it took a lot of time and conversation to get to the point where he is willing to spend on intangible things like travel/experiences... and to be honest, he'll probably never enjoy it as much as I do or understand why it is so important to me. He's just a flexible enough guy that to make me and our kids happy, he has been willing/able to let go of those lessons from his childhood (which wasn't unlike your SIL-to-be's - his dad left, stepdad became disabled, mom was left trying to support the family and take care of a disabled husband with just a GED) to some degree. He also has real fears about certain types of travel, something it took him many years to admit even to me - he hates the idea of crossing oceans for some inexplicable reason, so I've made peace with the idea that some of the places I'd like to travel I'll be going with my kids, or my mother, or my friends, or alone (which he is absolutely okay with, but I'd rather do those things with him).
     
  13. luvsvacation

    luvsvacation Mouseketeer

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    Wether he travels with your family or not isn't the big issue, the big issue is that your daughter and her fiancé need to work these "big issue" things out before they get married. I love traveling, it's one of the most important things to me. My husband does not like to travel. So I travel without him. It works out great for everyone! I have a best friend with a daughter my daughter's age and she and I travel together. I also travel with my family sometimes. I never try to make him go with us and he never tries to stop us from going. Our kids are teenagers and thankfully they have taken after me and love traveling as well. If traveling is important to your daughter as long as her fiancé doesn't care that she still travels with you or on her own there shouldn't be a problem. Not everyone likes to travel. As long as they give each other the space to do what they want and don't hold each other back or force each other to do things they don't want to they should be just fine.
     
  14. MamaBelle4

    MamaBelle4 DIS Veteran

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    I could not agree with this more.

    It seems like something you can understand from the outside looking it, but it just isn't. Being poor, really truly poor, is something that impacts every aspect of who you are. You can say, "Well, I understand how that could be stressful," but that doesn't give you the feeling.

    You know how chip cards make that dinging sound when it is time to take them out. I HATE that. I remember being at the grocery store, for just a couple of things, and that similar noise meant we were going home empty handed.

    I remember, and it's an odd memory, eating dry cereal at a state park while my mom had a conversation with the park ranger because we had parked our van there (our home) overnight, and he was trying to delicately tell her she couldn't.

    I could give you thousands of examples. He doesn't want to go on vacations. He doesn't like hand outs. I completely get it. I wish there was a way to have people understand how being poor colors everything, but I can't.

    Hopefully someday we will live in a world where poverty is completely eradicated from every corner of the globe.
     
  15. maddiel

    maddiel DIS Veteran

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    I have some relatives where gifts that were meant to be generous turned out to also have strings attached. Sometimes even the person giving the gift doesn't realize consciously that they are also conferring an obligation.

    Not wanting to use limited vacation days on something you don't want to do is certainly a very good reason to turn down a gift trip. But just because you wouldn't find it uncomfortable to take a trip on someone else dime doesn't mean it's not also a valid reason too.

    OP, I actually think it's better to be thoughtful about what patterns you set with your in-laws at the beginning of the relationship rather than have to dial things back later - whether you are the parent or child in law. It's respectful to consider whether other people have different comfort levels that you are used to. Maybe there are other ways that both you and your daughter's fiance would both be more comfortable forming new family bonds.

    M.
     
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  16. aprilgail

    aprilgail DIS Veteran

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    He sounds like a jerk and your daughter should be prepared to deal with his nonsense their whole marriage. She will be stuck doing nothing fun due to his issues.
     
  17. larissawbb

    larissawbb DIS Veteran

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    I mixed it up as well.
     
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  18. pryncess527

    pryncess527 DIS Veteran

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    My husband also grew up very poor, that may be why he's always had a different mindset on travel than I do. But I love and respect his opinion and understand that travel is not relaxing or enjoyable for him most of the time. We have many other fun things that we do together.

    Has your daughter considered coming on the family trip without him? I travel with my mom a few times a year -- usually to football games my H could not care less about -- I think you can respect his desires and still vacation with your daughter.
     
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  19. FlightlessDuck

    FlightlessDuck Y kant Donald fly?

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    Yeah, how dare he not be able to pay for school out of pocket! What a pleb!
     
  20. FlightlessDuck

    FlightlessDuck Y kant Donald fly?

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    Is he saying she can't go??
     
  21. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    Yeah sounds like a real jerk- wanting to be financially responsible by paying off his student loans.
    The OP's dd should go out and marry someone who doesn't care and can drag them both down in to more debt throughout their marriage.
     

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