Is tipping generously ever a faux pas?

[janey99]

I just had the most awkward situation at lunch! Met a friend of mine at a casual burger place in NYC. When we sat down, she asked for separate checks (which is fine). When the bill came, mine was $16.xx including tax and I'm sure hers was pretty much the same. I threw down $5 for a tip and she had an episode -

Friend - "Is that for my tip too?"

Me - "No, but it can be." (I throw down $3 more).

F - "that's too much!"

M - "It's fine, I don't mind."

F - "No, it's too much!"

M - "No, it's fine. A few extra dollars in the waitress's pocket is much more meaningful to her than a few extra dollars OUT of my pocket."

F - "I still think it's too much!" (But she gives up and walks towards the exit)

There was a definite pall between us as we parted! Should I have reduced the amount of the tip to make her feel better? FWIW, what I said to her above is my philosophy on tipping - I'm at a point in my life where I can be a generous tipper and the value of those amounts to me is tiny compared to the value they have to the waitperson that gets them.

Do I stick with my philosophy, or in my opinion, "stiff" a waitperson so a friend I'm with doesn't feel bad that she can't/won't tip the same way?

Jane

 

[andrews_dad]

Tell your friend to chill out, IMO. Not a big deal. Good for you.

 

[Donaldswife]

IMO, she shouldn't be looking at what you tipped anyway. I am a generous tipper as well, and if I feel the service is worth I will definitely add a few extra dollars. I used to be a server, and I remember a few extra bucks on a tip making my day, and meaning a lot my income at the time. You do what feels right to you, and don't worry about what other people think.

 

[ccgirl]

I would have left the same tip as well. I think your friend was being cheap.

 

[alexensmom]

IMO, she shouldn't be looking at what you tipped anyway. I am a generous tipper as well, and if I feel the service is worth I will definitely add a few extra dollars. I used to be a server, and I remember a few extra bucks on a tip making my day, and meaning a lot my income at the time. You do what feels right to you, and don't worry about what other people think.

Ditto

 

[Justsyd2]

You did the right thing, and your friend, well, maybe she is having money issues...

 

[WendyisDarling]

Stick with your philosophy. I would just feel happy that I may have made things a little better for someone else. What's wrong with that?

It isn't like you asked your friend to tip big also, in fact if I read correctly in the end she didn't tip at all.

After my sister worked as a server and relied on tips for most of her income, I started tipping more generously (not a lot, but always try for at least 20% unless something goes wrong). My guess is your friend has never seen things from the side of the person receiving the gratuity.

 

[3boymthr]

Or maybe your friend didn't feel the service warranted a generous tip?

Sometimes what you might consider good service another person might think was poor service because they had to wait what they perceived as too long for x or the waitress didn't bring ketchup without asking.

 

[ohanaMAMA]

its never bad to overtip. Most waitresses make around $3-4 an hour and depend on tips to make up thier wages. I was a restraunt manager and I know that a LOT of places require them to claim 15% of thier SALES to the IRS REGARDLESS of what they actually recieved. some people can be such jerks when it comes to tipping.

I have been known to slip a $20 to a waitress.. ESPECIALLY if she is having an "off" day. If she/he is nice and trying hard and is just "in the weeds" I make a point to be extra nice and to leave a super good tip. Nothing like a little encouragement to get ya back on the right track.BUT if they are rude or seem just plain slow? I leave EXACTLY 10%. to the penny.

 

[branv]

No way did you do anything wrong, this is just your friends issue coming out.

I had the same issue at a Nordstrom's Cafe one day. At ours, you order and pay at the register, but then sit down and are served like regular. Waiter brings your meal, handles any issues, brings and refills drinks, etc. So I tip regular 20%. My friend saw this, sniffed and said with some hostility, "I refuse to tip regular, I mean, why should I? I'm ordering at the register!" Well, okay, good for you

I've noticed that when people get riled up over things like this, they blame you for making them look bad. Or worse, they automatically assume you're looking at them with disdane. If they really believed they weren't doing anything wrong, that they are so right, why would they care what you did differently..i.e. how could you make them look bad if what they're doing isn't bad? It all comes down to insecurity, which to be fair, we all have In this instance, if I care about the person and want to calm that little self-doubt feeling, I find it's best to just say, "well (what you do) is okay too" without excusing my choices.

 

[janey99]

Thanks you guys - i feel better. I was sitting here thinking maybe I should have tipped the way SHE wanted to just so she wouldn't feel bad or awkward. We are at different points in our financial life right now.

 

[meghanlea]

we generally tip good. i think so anyway . we live quite a distance out for pizza delivery but they still come to us. so we usually tip $5 to the drivers. I have heard from some that they fight over who is going to make the drive to us b/c of the tip .

 

[Kit'smommy]

I tip well percentage wise, especially on small checks. I would have left the same tip as you did. I don't miss the money and it might make a real difference to the server.

 

[scrapquitler]

I would have tipped about the same as you did, unless the service was particularly poor.

My DH and I go out to breakfast at least once a week, and our bill is usually $13-$15, and we always tip about $5.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I think her commenting is the faux pas...

 

[jagafen]

I think sometimes, people have a really skewed perception of the "value" of their tip.....from attitudes of "I always round down, to the nearest $10 denomination....the math is easier that way" to "they should be thankful that I'm paying their salary" to "I tip 15% only for EXCELLENT service, and never on alcohol, sales tax, or anything the server didn't personally deliver to the table themselves" (that last part was a bit of a joke, but you get the point!). As a former server, I tend to tip a bit higher, it goes with the territory. But if you really suck, then so does your tip! (and by suck, I mean 15%, which is still considered the 'bare minimum').

As far as your friend, I think she was one of the strictly 15% type....I would have tipped at least $7 on a $32 check!

 

[Kay1]

I think sometimes, people have a really skewed perception of the "value" of their tip.....from attitudes of "I always round down, to the nearest $10 denomination....the math is easier that way" to "they should be thankful that I'm paying their salary" to "I tip 15% only for EXCELLENT service, and never on alcohol, sales tax, or anything the server didn't personally deliver to the table themselves" (that last part was a bit of a joke, but you get the point!). As a former server, I tend to tip a bit higher, it goes with the territory. But if you really suck, then so does your tip! (and by suck, I mean 15%, which is still considered the 'bare minimum').

As far as your friend, I think she was one of the strictly 15% type....I would have tipped at least $7 on a $32 check!

I've actually heard people say they tip less if someone other than their waiter brings out their food. Guess they've never heard of food runners or front-and-back teams who work to get their hot food right to them?

OP, you did the right thing and have nothing to feel badly about.

 

[PIERCEDRN]

I always overtip, and my wife always complains about it. I often have to hide the extra tip under the regular tip so that I don't incur her wrath. I also noticed that I get special treatment at the places locally that I frequent, extra donuts at DD, "forgetting" to charge me for ice cream, lots of extra smiles (never know when I might need one!). My wife doesn't seem to get this treatment. So I win...
bob

 

[Jill in Chicago]

I had the same thing happen when I went out to breakfast with a girlfriend. She complained, "You left too much!" When she turned her back I threw the money back down. Chicken way to deal with it.

I have always told my boys to over tip, especially when it is a cheap breakfast/lunch.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Thanks you guys - i feel better. I was sitting here thinking maybe I should have tipped the way SHE wanted to just so she wouldn't feel bad or awkward. We are at different points in our financial life right now.

I think that you handled it well. I would have done the same thing. Do what makes YOU feel good.