Is This True About the Mother of the Groom?

[Bluestars]

Yeah, I guess so. But I guess I just don't see why the Mother of the Bride is more important than the Mother of the Groom. To me they should be equal right? They each have a child getting married

Is it just a tradition? I'm too familiar with it all I guess. (My husband and I eloped lol)

I think the most important thing is being there at the wedding and offering to help when needed. I don't have any desire to give my advice unless asked. It will be their wedding. I will be as involved as they would like me to be. If they ask my opinion or for help, I'll gladly do it. But it's not my wedding, so I am happy doing as little or as much as they request. When my sons get married, I will not feel like they think I am not important. I know I am important to them.

If the bride and the MIL want to do all of the planning and my son is fine with it, they can go for it. It's a lot of work.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Yeah, I guess so. But I guess I just don't see why the Mother of the Bride is more important than the Mother of the Groom. To me they should be equal right? They each have a child getting married

Is it just a tradition? I'm too familiar with it all I guess. (My husband and I eloped lol)

I think the various parties in a wedding are only as important or as unimportant as people choose to make them. I've seen plenty of weddings where the MOG is very involved and as important as the MOB...and other's where the MOB really had no role in the wedding. Most people that adhere to 50+ year old traditions may feel that the MOG is not important but I haven't been to a wedding in the past 25+ years that strictly follows old etiquette rules.

 

[DizBelle]

My friend has been spending a lot of time on wedding related message boards lately, and she found some discussions centred around the mother of the groom. I took interest because I have two boys, although I hope my mother of the groom days are a loooooong way off.

Basically they were saying the mother of the groom has three jobs. To help host the rehearsal dinner, smile and nod at everything the bride plans, and then to show up in something as non-descript as possible so as not to outshine the bride and bride's mom on the Big Day. lol.

There was even a list posted, the order of fabulousness at the wedding:

1. The Bride
2. The Bridal Party
3. The Mother of the Bride
4. The Mother of the Groom
5. Guests

If you show up at the wedding outshining anyone above you on the list you are a jerk.

(Apparently the men don't count because they are all the same. )

Is there actually any truth to this in your experience?

I would think that the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom are at the same level. They both have a child getting married.

 

[abaldacci]

I agree the MOB should have upper hand unless the MOG if footing the bill then by all means let her wear what she wishes, The Bride and her mother put so much more time and energy into the wedding it is the MOB right to out shine the MOG and I have a Son and Daughter. I will gladly wear a gunny sack if that's what the MOB and Bride wish as long as I don't have to plan another wedding. LOL

 

[Luv'sTink]

My brother told his fiance that if what he wanted didn't matter then he didn't need to show up at the wedding. He felt it was his wedding too, and both parents contributed money.

Funny how quickly things changed for them, and yes, they are still married 25 years later.

 

[Disney Doll]

Unless ones mother in law is certifiably insane or dangerous, I can't imagine why a bride would want to exclude her just based on "she's not my Mother".

I was fortunate that I had great in-laws. There was a bit of wrangling when we first got engaged over the guest list. But we cleared that up and everything else was fine.

I could never see the wisdom of putting my DH in the mddle of ******* between myself and his mother, so I tended to choose my battles (not that there were many) wisely with her.

As far as wedding attire, my bridesmaids wore teal. My mother a peachy coral solid gown. My DMIL found a very dressy cocktail suit that had a cream background with a coral and teal floral in a brocade material so we all blended beautifully. She did ask my mother what she was wearing which was very nice of her. She did show me her suit for my "approval" which was also very gracious of her. I wasn't that concerned because my DMIL had nice taste in clothing and the outfit she bought was very nice and looked nice on her.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Historically, the father and mother of the bride were the hosts of the wedding, which is why the MOB has come to have a higher "standing". This is evident from the old traditional way of wording the invitations: "Mr. and Mrs. Whatstheirnames invite you to the wedding of their daughter, Whatshername, to Blah Jr., son of Mr. and Mrs. Blah. Now, a lot of couples are their own hosts, or weddings could be hosted by everyone involved.

But, historically, that's where the idea of the MOG just smiling, nodding and wearing beige came from. She was basically an honored guest at the wedding, but still a guest.

 

[Snowysmom]

Both my DS's are married. Each time they included me in some of the planning. I went to a bridal fair, toured a possible reception venue, did a food and cake tasting for older DS's wedding. Older DS and his now wife included her mother more than me in the planning but I was fine with that. I went to a bridal fair for younger DS's wedding. Younger DS and his now wife handled most of the planning themselves with little input from either mother. The bride's mother did the bridal shower in each case. I did the rehearsal dinner planning for both with some input from the bride and groom as to the menu. I always asked about their plans and they enjoyed telling me what they decided on. I felt like I was in the loop and they knew I would just listen. After all, it is their wedding. Both DS's were in on the wedding planning. It worked out well for both weddings.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I agree with the list in the original post.

I planned my wedding 100%. I invited my mom and aunt to a bridal expo, invited my mom, sister, bridal party and MIL to a few dress shopping events, but that was just to include them in the fun, not to have them help plan anything.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, but I'm a super planner and didn't want or need any help. I was very easy going with what all of the bridal party wore (I picked a dress color and length for the bridesmaids but let them pick their own dress style and shoes for example). I told my mom and MIL they could wear whatever they liked (neither are showy or have weird fashion tastes). My MIL showed my her outfit she wanted to wear, which was sweet of her, but it really did not matter to me what she wore.

 

[goofy4tink]

I'm older.....65....so I probably have a different view than some here. I've been married twice, have a son who was married about 7 years ago, and a nephew that was married 2 years ago. Very different experiences. The first time I was married, the grooms parents weren't all that thrilled about the wedding. Hindsight shows me why...they weren't completely wrong. But, I digress. My parents (mother) and I pretty much planned it all. My mother had final say...I was 21 at the time, and they were paying 100% of the costs. Okay. Second marriage, at the age of 40 something, in '90, my now dh and I planned it all, and paid for most of it. My mother paid for my gown that time (under $500), and dad paid for the bar tab. I said no open bar, he asked for an open bar while photos were being taken...ended up being the entire 4 hrs..found that out when we returned from our honeymoon!! My in-laws had little to say about that wedding. They hosted the rehearsal dinner, as they are supposed to do. My mil didn't even buy a new dress, but wore the same dress she wore to another son's wedding a few years previous.

When my ds was married, he was living in Tampa, we were in New England...so no being part of the planning for us. My dil's parents weren't part of the planning either...to the best of my knowledge anyway. In fact, when we got there, we found the bride's mother was in a pale blue polyester pantsuit. I was much dressier. The wedding/reception was on board a boat in Tampa Bay, so felt that dressing up a bit was in order. I knew her colors were deep blue and white....I was asked to make the bridal bouquet and matron of honor bouquet. That was a nice way to be included! Rather than a wedding gift, we gave them a sizable check to use for wedding costs.

I think that it all depends on the relationship the couple has with the two families. When my nephew got married, his parents (my brother and his wife) weren't included in anything. My sil wasn't even given a color for her dress! But....seems that there were issues between her and the bride. The bride didn't have family to help her out but did have the family she nannyed for to support her and give planning help. It was not a fun experience to say the least.

If the bride has a good relationship with her future mil, then the groom's mom will probably be included in some planning. It's always nice to include your future mil. To say that she should show up in beige, smile, and sit there quietly is doing your future husband a disservice. That woman made him the man he is...she is due a certain amount of respect and consideration. My dil and I have a great relationship. She has always made me feel welcome and appreciated. It's a short time, just include the future mil for some planning, make her feel as special as she is.

 

[JanaDee]

I agree with the list in the original post.

According to the list, the groom doesn't even need to show up.

 

[clori]

I got married 16 years ago. We paid for the wedding ourselves. I did bring my sister with me to look at gowns and fell in love with one that I bought. I took my mother the next day and it was already put away. I planned on my mother coming when I went to look at Bridesmaids gowns with the female wedding party who were all family. Unfortunately my uncle was in ICU so my mother wasn't there when we picked a dress but would have been there otherwise. I didn't invite mil because of where she lived.

My inlaws lived 4.5 hours away. I did try to include them as much as my parents in other aspects. I asked them for a list of who they wanted to invite. Since neither side had a big list it was easy. We put both sets of parents names on the invitation. I told both mothers about the bridesmaid dresses and our wedding colors. They picked out their own dresses. I saw my mother's dress ahead of time but do to location only saw a picture of my mil's dress.

I included my mother when all the girls went to get our nails done a day or two before the wedding. Dh's mother/grandmother went and got their nails done the same day at home. I had a room at the hotel the night before my wedding. I invited both my mom, mil, and grandma to come by in the morning to get their make up done. I also allowed my mil and grandmother to see my wedding gown even though I wouldn't let dh see it until the wedding. My dh's grandmother was the only grandparent from either side of the family. I made sure that dh asked her to dance at the wedding (to the best of her 88 year old ability). I gave a necklace to the wedding party and included my mom, mil, and grandmother with the same necklace.

 

[AustinTink]

Anyway, don't worry about your boy changing how he feels about you, he will choose a woman who loves you too!

I have to say my DS has a sweet little girlfriend right now who loves me and I love her in return. I hope all the girls that come into his life are as easy to get along with as she is. Last night we had a new year's party with about 25 people, half were his teen friends. At midnight he gave his GF a hug and then came to find my DH and me right away to give hugs. He's a good boy with a strong sense of family and I think he will always be attracted to girls who feel the same. Fingers crossed!

 

[Wishing on a star]

According to the list, the groom doesn't even need to show up.

TRUE!!!!!

How could this list not even list the groom, ANYWHERE.

Not a list I would give too much serious thought.
OP, if you are giving this list enough thought to come and post it here, then maybe you shouldn't.

I will say that it seems to me, however, that this has caught your attention because you are hoping to find a way to re-assure yourself that you have some real control and say-so in your son's future weddings. I would warn you about making any big assumptions or having any big expectations.

Just to add a disclaimer here... I would also say that to future mother's of brides. No question.

Anyhow, it is interesting to see the references to 'how it used to be'.
And, it did use to be that way.
It just did.
It also used to be that a bride not only gave up her last name, and took her husband's last name, but gave up her ENTIRE name. I saw a historic edition of the 50th anniversary of something-or-another... Probably something like Ladies Home Journal section of some publication??? Anyhow... Every photo had the women identified only by their husband's full name... as "Mrs John Williams", "Mrs. Cecil Brown", etc.

OMG!!!!

No wonder the old saying is that "The father GIVES away the bride."
Literally, giving away another human being, their full name/identity and all.

Bottom line, I don't feel that either parent, either the MOB or the MOG, should feel that they are entitled (yes, the 'entitled' word) to be have any real say-so or involvement. Weddings are as unique as the bride and groom who are getting married. And, it should be up to them how they wish to plan, how much say-so they wish to give to others.

There is no right or wrong here.
People and situations are unique.
We do not all exist in a wonderful and perfect world.
There are Bridzilla's from hell...
There are Bride's Mothers from hell...
There are Groom's Mothers from hell...
Etc...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have to say my DS has a sweet little girlfriend right now who loves me and I love her in return. I hope all the girls that come into his life are as easy to get along with as she is. Last night we had a new year's party with about 25 people, half were his teen friends. At midnight he gave his GF a and hug and then came to find my DH and me right away to give hugs. He's a good boy with a strong sense of family and I think he will always be attracted to girls who feel the same. Fingers crossed!

AWWWWW!!!!!

 

[aprilgail2]

Smiling and nodding at the bride's plans implies that she consulted the mother of the groom at all, which seems unlikely to me. But if you do get a prospective daughter in law who shows even a feigned interest in your opinion, you should consider yourself lucky.

Also, they are not to dress nondescript, they are to dress in something nice in a color which neither matches the bride (first choice) nor the mother of the bride (second choice).