Is this punishment too harsh?

[The Mystery Machine]

Long story as short as possible:
While DH and I were gone for part of the day on Saturday, DS (13) took it upon himself to move our 32" flat screen TV from our bedroom into his room to play PS3 on.

We moved it in there 2 weeks ago for one day so we could see if it was a good size for his room since we will be buying him one for his birthday. We made it clear that it was a one time/one day thing.

We weren't happy when we returned home and saw what he did. He is lucky he didn't drop it since it sits pretty high up. We did not punish him. We made it clear that he better not do it again.

Unfortunately, when we went to hook it back up, we realized he did break it. He YANKED the cable out from the back of the TV instead of unscrewing it. He tore out the back and it is likely broken beyond repair. We will try a repair shop just to make sure but we doubt it can be fixed.

As a punishment, DS has to pay us back for the TV. I just bought it over the holidays for $300. We will use the money to buy ourselves a new TV and he will get this one to use for gaming (probably on his birthday but maybe sooner). We have made up a list of chores and he will not be able to spend any of his money on anything else until we are paid back. He has enough saved for a PS3 game and a DS game that were coming out next week but that money is ours now.

DS is bummed but has accepted his punishment well. He is very remorseful and it was truly an accident. However, not only didn't listen to us in the first place but he broke an expensive, almost new item.

The reason I am asking about the punishment is because my 81 y/o mom, who lives with us in the winter, is freaking out! She thinks we are being way too hard on him. In her eyes, it was a simple accident. She thinks we should ground him from his PS3 for a week and call it even.

If I would have done this as a kid, my parents would have paddled me, grounded me AND made me pay them back. Who is this woman that is living with me now?

So, are we being too hard on him?

For starters, this was not "an accident". He totally disobeyed you.

Where was his PS3 hooked up to originally?

Are you still allowing him to play video games while he "makes the money"?

If the TV cannot be repaired then absolutely he needs to pay you back.

Tell grandma that she can buy you and him new TV's if she feels so strongly about "the punishment". See how that goes over. I mean hey if grandma wants to inject herself she can pony up some money to feel the pain of the infraction if she thinks it is no BIG deal.

 

[Jeniferdwn]

How can this be too harsh?! he's 13 and getting a 32" TV for his room!!! I'm 38 and still don't have a 32" TV for my room! WOW!! Our family shares one of these in the den. I have a small tv in my room! At 13 I think I had one of those tiny little black and whites, no remote, no VCR etc. I think paying for the repair is a perfect punishment!

 

[msjprincess]

It's a little early here, so bear with me.

I don't see where the OP said that she had told him not to move the tv into his room. Because I know with my 13 year old, if I did something like that, if I didn't say, "Don't do this on your own or without asking me" she would assume it would be ok to do again.

I wouldn't take away birthday presents, but she would definitely pay for the repairs. I'm not sure that she'd be getting the tv for her room. "Here, you broke this tv, we got it fixed, now you can have it!" just seems like a good consequence to a bad decision. I also have a problem with paying kids for help around the house, unless it's a big chore that I'd have to pay someone anyway. Unloading the dishwasher? Nope, not a paid chore in my house. THAT'S a "consequence" of living here, lol.

And my Mom would totally do the same thing. She'd probably slip my DD the money for the repairs. DD could've beat the tv with a baseball bat, and it wouldn't have been her fault according to my Mom.

from the OP

We moved it in there 2 weeks ago for one day so we could see if it was a good size for his room since we will be buying him one for his birthday. We made it clear that it was a one time/one day thing.

I don't think the punishment is too harsh. I wouldn't consider it an accident. He did something he knew he wasn't supposed to do. If he tripped and bump into the tv and broke it that would be an accident.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think he should have to pay you back for the tv. With that being said, why should that stop you from getting him a new tv for his birthday. He's buying you a new one and then your not buying him anything, just giving him a broken one. That's not fair either, and doesn't really make sense to me. Your getting something, he's getting nothing.

One other question. Was grandma in charge while you were gone? Is she defending him because maybe she gave him permission to move the tv?

I agree with you punishing him by making him pay you back. That however is his punishment and he shouldn't lose his birthday gifts too. That's punishing him twice for the same thing.

As a mom to an almost 13 year old ds, I agree with this. He should pay for your tv to be replaced, but he should still get the new one promised for his birthday. If relatives want to know what to get him for his birthday, cash would be a good suggestion.

 

[Magpie]

As a punishment, DS has to pay us back for the TV. I just bought it over the holidays for $300. We will use the money to buy ourselves a new TV and he will get this one to use for gaming (probably on his birthday but maybe sooner). We have made up a list of chores and he will not be able to spend any of his money on anything else until we are paid back. He has enough saved for a PS3 game and a DS game that were coming out next week but that money is ours now.

This is pretty much exactly what we would do - you break it, you pay for it. 300 dollars isn't that hard to earn if you work hard. He can do yard work for the neighbours and babysit, if he gets desperate. Also, he can canvass his relatives for birthday money instead of presents.

Heck, my daughter recently had to pay her dad back 150 dollars when she dropped and broke her Kindle. She did get a new Kindle - she just had to pay for the old one first.

However, I would still get your son a new TV for his birthday, since that was the plan anyway. I might not TELL him I was getting him a new TV, but I'd still get it. It'll be a nice reward for all his hard work (assuming he's been working hard to pay you back!).

 

[DisneyScraps]

I don't think it's too harsh. It is exactly what I would do.

Lisa

 

[melissapealo]

actually, paying for the damage is not a punishment. it is just making reparations for the wrong doing. anything above making restitution is punishment. if i inadvertantly run a red light and have an accident. i am responsible for any damage i cause: restitution. plus, i get a ticket for inattentive driving: punishment. and this scenario is purely an accident with no intent to deceive, unlike the kid. he had an accident wheil doing something that he knew was wrong.

and i have taken psychology courses, and i dont have a problem holding a 13 year old accountable. my 8 year old knows right from wrong. and is held accountable for his actions, too. the horror!!

Your comparing a car accident caused by an adult to something a 13 year old child did. They aren't even in the same category.
Maybe you should have read through things to understand before making comments on something I posted. That post was in direct response to another post.

I never said children don't know right from wrong or that they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions. Again maybe you should get your facts before commenting on my pp.

How can this be too harsh?! he's 13 and getting a 32" TV for his room!!! I'm 38 and still don't have a 32" TV for my room! WOW!! Our family shares one of these in the den. I have a small tv in my room! At 13 I think I had one of those tiny little black and whites, no remote, no VCR etc. I think paying for the repair is a perfect punishment!

Sorry but you not having a 32" tv and being 38 has nothing to do with op's post. Many children have large tv's in their rooms. The cost of tv's has consistently decreased recently. Probably one of the reasons for purchases of the larger tv's. I do agreee about the op's son paying to replace the tv.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think you are being too harsh at all. He should be punished for disobeying you, so not getting a new TV would be punishment for that. (which if he is going to end up getting a TV that he can play games on anyway isn't such a big deal).
I don't see the having to pay to repair or replace the TV as punishment at all, I see it as having to be responsible for the damage he caused.

 

[MrsPete]

We've always tried to use natural consequences as punishment for our kids -- it prepares them for the natural consequences that will befall them once they're out on their own. Protecting them from those consequences is failing to prepare them for the real world.

Here's how I'd see it:

You purposefully disobeyed and moved the TV.
In the process, you broke it. This was not an accident; it was a result of doing something we'd told you not to do -- something we knew you shouldn't do on your own.
You didn't intend to do it.
You feel bad about it.
Regardless, you are responsible for that damage.

We were going to buy you a similar TV for your birthday.
This broken TV is now yours, and we get the new one that would've been yours.
We will not at any point replace this broken TV.

 

[golfgal]

I would say you are too EASY on him, not only would I make him pay for the TV I would NOT allow him to have one in his room. He proved he wasn't trustworthy with a tv in his room, the gaming can be done eslewhere in the house.

 

[jrmasm]

Here's how I'd see it:

You purposefully disobeyed and moved the TV.
In the process, you broke it. This was not an accident; it was a result of doing something we'd told you not to do -- something we knew you shouldn't do on your own.
You didn't intend to do it.
You feel bad about it.
Regardless, you are responsible for that damage.

We were going to buy you a similar TV for your birthday.
This broken TV is now yours, and we get the new one that would've been yours.
We will not at any point replace this broken TV.

I agree.

 

[barkley]

i keep flashing on those signs stores used to have all over the place-

"we break-we cry, you break-you buy".

 

[need2cruise]

I do not think you are harsh at all. I think kids need to learn to obey their parents, when a parent gives a specific instruction, they need to know that their kid will listen and obey it, even if it doesn't fit with their feelings on the matter. Too many kids lack this now a days and there is no accountability because "kids will be kids" or "it was just an accident, they are too young to understand". If my kid is outside playing and the ball rolls in the road and they are going to pick it up and I yell stop, I expect them to stop, not take 5 more steps before stopping. Obeying can be a life or death thing and needs to be taught. If I tell my 13 year old, do not open the door to a stranger, I expect that they will listen and not open a door to a stranger. If I tell my 13 year old do not move the tv, I expect them to not move the tv. Any action that results in not listening to an instruction can lead to a consequence, sometimes minor like breaking the hook up on the tv, or something even more serious (son couldve dropped the tv and broke his foot causing the parents more than $300 in medical bills).

By making her son pay for the tv, he is learning the natural order of consequences. I do not even see a huge "punishment" side of this other than missing time w/ his friends or playing video games because he will be spending that time working for money.

If it was my child, child would be paying off the tv and the extra tv would be put up until I gained that trust level back with my child to know that they understand the importance of listening. But, I don't give unfair, unjust, or "just to be mean" instructions.

 

[Wall-E1]

I think the punishment fits the crime perfectly - not too harsh. He was not following the rules and that resulted in the broken tv. Your punishment is teaching him to take responsibility for his actions.

 

[tlbwriter]

But he's just an 8th grader which is why I don't think he should be held to the same level as an adult.

I agree. However, he was told not to move the TV. My daughter is a 6th grader and she knows what "don't move the TV" means. It means leave the TV where it is. It does not mean "leave the TV alone unless we're gone, and then you can move it to your room as long as you don't get caught." This was not a judgment call requiring maturity on his part, where he is being held to an adult standard. All he had to do was remember and respect that Mom told him having the TV in his room was a one time thing.

 

[DMickey28]

Now that it is already done I don't think you can undo it. I think it might be a little harsh but not bad.

The problem, in my mind, is not that he broke the tv but first and foremost that he didn't listen to you after you told him not to touch it.

Since you were going to spend the money and get him a tv for his room, I'd probably tell him that you were going to do that but now you need to use that money for a new tv for your room and he gets the broken one to play games on but no cable.

 

[LisaR]

Thanks again for all the opinions. I really do appreciate it.

As a mom to an almost 13 year old ds, I agree with this. He should pay for your tv to be replaced, but he should still get the new one promised for his birthday. If relatives want to know what to get him for his birthday, cash would be a good suggestion.

This seems to be a sticking point for a few people. Our son does not watch TV. The only shows he watches are with the entire family in the living room. He has zero interest in TV viewing and has never once requested to be able to watch shows in his room. His only interest in terms of electronics would be the PS3 or the DS. TV is his very last priority. I assure you, the fact that the broken TV would not get TV reception would not bother him in the slightest.

My problem with buying him a new TV would be that the other TV would need to be thrown out. I could not/ would not throw out a TV that is only 2 months old that will serve my DS purpose perfectly fine. That is one thing I will hold my ground on.

I would say you are too EASY on him, not only would I make him pay for the TV I would NOT allow him to have one in his room. He proved he wasn't trustworthy with a tv in his room, the gaming can be done eslewhere in the house.

Noooooooo! The gaming can not be done elsewhere in the house without being a HUGE distraction to me. Allowing him to have the PS3 in his bedroom (which he saved for and bought himself) was like a Christmas present to me! The noise from that crap out in the living room used to drive me crazy. Allowing him to play out in the living room would only be a bonus to him since that TV is bigger.

I think this was far more impulsive behavior vs. a kid that we can't trust. I know the lines can be blurred but at this point, I don't have any worries that he can never be trusted again. He never tried to deceive us. I called him to let him know we would be home in 30 minutes. He had plenty of time to move the TV back if he was consciously thinking that he had disobeyed us. He never did that.

He woke up bright and early this morning to get one of the cars washed before school. He had taken the vacuum out there but decided he didn't have enough time to do that and set the vacuum in the garage. When he was all done, I asked him to close the garage door. We heard a very loud sound. We went running out there and saw that he had set the vacuum too close to the door and it came down on it. It released and went back up. I think the poor kid almost peed himself while he waited for me to see if the vacuum was okay (which it was). I have a very expensive vacuum and I know dollar signs were running through his head for a few seconds there.

 

[Wall-E1]

Noooooooo! The gaming can not be done elsewhere in the house without being a HUGE distraction to me. Allowing him to have the PS3 in his bedroom (which he saved for and bought himself) was like a Christmas present to me! The noise from that crap out in the living room used to drive me crazy. Allowing him to play out in the living room would only be a bonus to him since that TV is bigger.

I agree. We used to have it hooked up to the living room tv - drove me crazy! It is so much more peaceful now that it has been moved to his "man cave".

 

[mjlewis23]

I don't think it's too harsh at all! I have an 11 year old DD and you better believe if she did something like that, she would be facing the same punishment. I think if he was old enough to purposely disobey your rules, and by doing so broke an expensive item that you use every day beyond repair, then he is old enough to cough up the money for it. Clearly you are the one paying for the item, as you are making up a list of chores for him to earn money. It's not like you are sending him out on the street to earn it.

Reading these replies, I guess I'm much stricter than I thought I was!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree. We used to have it hooked up to the living room tv - drove me crazy! It is so much more peaceful now that it has been moved to his "man cave".

Oh yea, the living room TV is DH's and it is video game free.

I have the Wii in my bedroom, my 19yodd has the PS2 in her's, 14yodd has the XBOX360 and Gamecube in her room.

When it warms up the XBOX360 will go back to the basement. It is just too cold down there now and the TV totally sucks to play on to boot.

We are holding off our electronics purchases until the TVs break or the HD's go to a price we want to put out for. We have no HDTVs yet.