Is this cruel?

[BelleWDW]

My sister who lives 11 hours away & doesnt work=keeps prominsing to visit Mom. She has to drive here with her DH who is Head of Dept at a University-so days to come has to be when he has time off.

Mom is elderly and lives for this proposed visit.

Her summer trip never happened...then the October trip-the dates wouldn't work
She was 2 days from a Thanksgiving trip when her dog got very sick

In early Dec, she said she'd come either during the Holidays OR MLK weekend-which -you guessed it is THIS weekend-no word its happening.

So its now been 1 1/2 years since she's seen mom

My only gripe-because I can see why some of the trips didn't happen-is **I** am the one who has to hear weekly from my Mom -when i visit her-wondering when Sis is coming. *sigh*

 

[lovesmurfs]

My sister who lives 11 hours away & doesnt work=keeps prominsing to visit Mom. She has to drive here with her DH who is Head of Dept at a University-so days to come has to be when he has time off.

Mom is elderly and lives for this proposed visit.

Her summer trip never happened...then the October trip-the dates wouldn't work
She was 2 days from a Thanksgiving trip when her dog got very sick

In early Dec, she said she'd come either during the Holidays OR MLK weekend-which -you guessed it is THIS weekend-no word its happening.

So its now been 1 1/2 years since she's seen mom

My only gripe-because I can see why some of the trips didn't happen-is **I** am the one who has to hear weekly from my Mom -when i visit her-wondering when Sis is coming. *sigh*

I'm not sure that it's cruel, so much as pretty inconsiderate (to my way of thinking). You can't control other people, only your reaction to what they do/don't do.

Have you talked to your sister to find out why she's avoiding your mother? Does she know how disappointed your mother is when planned visits are cancelled? Some have trouble spending time with the elderly, or maybe she's having problems dealing with the fact that your mother is aging -- she may just be losing courage and looking for excuses. If it's just circumstances, would there be a way to plan a trip for your mother to visit her?

 

[luvmy3]

Are you asking if its cruel that your sister isn't visiting, or are you asking if its okay that you are griping about having to be the one to deal with it?

11 hours is a long way away, so I can see why a visit doesn't happen often. I also know many adult children who do not visit their parents alot, bit do keep in touch. Does your sis keep in touch with your mom? I don't think she's being cruel unless she is completely shutting your mom out of her life.

I think you are justified in griping about having to be the one to deal with your mom's disappointment and (possibly) hurt feelings.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it is cruel that your mother bugs you about it. I would ask your mother to stop talking about it with you if she has all of her faculties. Her relationship with your sister is their business.

As far as addressing the fact that she has not visited, I would not call it "cruel" as your mother is setting up this expectation and putting it on your sister.

Your sister has to cover the cost of the expenses. Plus, does she want a hotel, car, etc? Will she want to stay with mom? I know that having a child running around grandmas can be nerve racking if mom's house is not set up for little ones.

Is sister open to flying without dh? Perhaps mom can send your sister some plane fair.

ETA....What about mom flying in to see sister? That is another option.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I totally DISagree with Mystery Machine.

I am in the same position as the OP except my brother doesn't make promises, he just doesn't come. When he does come, it is like the prodigal son returning. And he is an MD that only lives 5 hours away.

I can see no reason why the OP's sister doesn't come to visit her mom if she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to. If you want to do something, you can make it happen. I'll bet OP's sis has been onvacation in the past 1 1/2 years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I totally DISagree with Mystery Machine.

I am in the same position as the OP except my brother doesn't make promises, he just doesn't come. When he does come, it is like the prodigal son returning. And he is an MD that only lives 5 hours away.

I can see no reason why the OP's sister doesn't come to visit her mom if she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to. If you want to do something, you can make it happen. I'll bet OP's sis has been onvacation in the past 1 1/2 years.

We can agree to disagree. I do not think it is good for all concerned to create drama in your family over how and why people visit.

Is is hurtful, yes, however you do not have to wallow in it. I just don't live like that anymore. YMMV

 

[ols386]

I don't actually think you should be involved in it at all (maybe you're not, but it kinda sounds like you are, or maybe you have to deal with your mother's hurt feelings). But whatever the situation, I think it's between your sister and your mother.

We can't control what others do or don't do....nor should we. And we also don't fully understand where they might be coming from, as we are not in their shoes.

 

[luvmy3]

I totally DISagree with Mystery Machine.

I am in the same position as the OP except my brother doesn't make promises, he just doesn't come. When he does come, it is like the prodigal son returning. And he is an MD that only lives 5 hours away.

I can see no reason why the OP's sister doesn't come to visit her mom if she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to. If you want to do something, you can make it happen. I'll bet OP's sis has been onvacation in the past 1 1/2 years.

Thats because you aren't the OP's sister, obviously she has her reasons.
BTW, not working doesn't mean you don't have anything else to ever do

 

[nmmom95]

I don't actually think you should be involved in it at all (maybe you're not, but it kinda sounds like you are, or maybe you have to deal with your mother's hurt feelings). But whatever the situation, I think it's between your sister and your mother.

We can't control what others do or don't do....nor should we. And we also don't fully understand where they might be coming from, as we are not in their shoes.

ITA...we have a similar situation with my aunt and grandmother, but there is a lot of history there and I can see my aunt's point. You don't know your sister's reasons. This definitely should stay between your sister and your mother.

 

[dispor]

Without knowing more about the family dynamics, I can't comment on why your DS keeps saying she will visit and then doesn't.

But I am surprised that people think an 11 hour trip is that big of a trip. With commute time, many people spend 11 hours at work EVERY day. She really can't give up a few days to go visit her elderly mother?

Just curious as to why she has to ride with dh instead of driving herself. Is that a medical necessity, or does she just not want to drive?

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Assuming there is no bad blood between your mother and your sister, I do find it inconsiderate of her to do that. For me, family comes first. I have a friend that's in the opposite postion. Her parents moved out of country and rarely come back to visit. It hurt her deeply when she gave birth to her second child and they didn't come back until the baby was nearly 5 months old for a visit. Of course, as in anything it's different strokes for different folks, so this is all just imo. Some peole are not that close to their family. But, I do find it hurtful if she is planning all of these trips and then always falls back on her plans. That's just plain rude.

 

[Christine]

Just curious as to why she has to ride with dh instead of driving herself. Is that a medical necessity, or does she just not want to drive?

I am not an old lady by any means; however, I am not comfortable driving much past 4 hours by myself. I get tired really easy and start getting much less alert past that point. I wouldn't do 11 hours in the car alone. I probably *could* if forced but it would be very uncomfortable for me.

So, I'd either need a driving companion, or I'd fly.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If I am complaining to my dd about the visiting hours of my other dd, then put me away. That pits sister against sister and now you have to take sides & it snowballs and so forth. It can get ugly.

I have 2 brothers and 1 sister and a mom that talks smack for lack of a better phrase. She did cause a lot of trouble for us back in the day. So now we have wised up and speak candidly to her and each other.

I know you said elderly, just wondering how old? My mom is going to be 72.

If I want to see one of my dd's in the future then I am going to facilitate that. I am more of the mindset of "make it work". Furthermore allowing your mom to "vent" to you becomes negative and makes her anxiety about it worse instead of better.

I would think of positive things to say instead and try to encourage your mom to lay off the visiting pressure or suggest another way to make it work. Or just listen and try not to get entrenched in her hurt.

I understand that it is hurtful that mom is missing her however it is out of your control. You can't make yourself crazy over it.

 

[abdmom]

Is there a reason why Mom isn't the one doing the visiting? My totally blind DGM used to fly to visit into her 90's.

Edited to add: Sorry, didn't see a previous poster wrote the same thing. If Mom has her complete faculties, there's no reason she can't be the one doing the traveling. Complaining about her dd not visiting WILL create bad blood. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

[Tink888]

I agree a lot with what Mystery Machine says.

OP, I can understand your Mom's hurt feelings but I don't know your sister or her circumstances so I can't say she's being cruel for not visiting. I can also understand your feeling stuck in the middle.

Ultimately, it's your sister and mother's relationship and their business. Your Mom shouldn't be putting you in the middle of it. You can only work on and be responsible for your relationship with your Mom. I would just tell Mom that if she's feeling disappointed at the lack of visits then the person she really needs to talk to about it is your sister and keep your feelings to yourself.

 

[hippiemama76]

Your sister definitely sounds like she's being passive aggressive about visiting. Either she is going to come, or she's not, but it's got to be hurtful for your mom for her to tell your mom one thing while actually doing another.

People have very different ideas about being close with family. I talk to my mom every day, my dad about three times a week, and my grandparents about three times a week. My family is about 3 hours away, and I see them at least once a month.

HippieDaddy can go a good 2 weeks or so without calling his parents (not that I blame him there - ). DH's family lives 3 hours away in a different direction, and he chooses to see them about 4 times a year.

We both would say that we are close with our respective families of origin, just close in a different way.

I agree that your mom shouldn't be putting you in the middle. You could try repeating the phrase, "I know you're disappointed that Sister isn't coming, but that's really between the two of you." and then changing the subject. She'll get the hint eventually.

Ooh - I also agree that (baring any major issues) the road works both ways. My parents and I want to see each other about once a month. They might come here, I might go there, or we might meet at DW, which is about halfway. OTOH, my grandparents are 91 and 85 and unable to travel due to health issues, so I make it a point to go home at least every other month to make sure to see them.

 

[Deb in IA]

I learned a long time ago that you cannot change other people, and you can only be responsible for your own actions.

I'm sure it is disappointing to your mom, but it really is between her and your sister. I think the suggestions that mom go and visit sis, or sis can fly, are good ones.

Also, there's Skype and WebCam as well - not the same, but maybe a reasonable substitute?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't think it is cruel. I think it would be BETTER if your sister just told your mother that she and her DH do not want to spend their vacation time and dollars visiting "home" and instead invited your mother out for a visit. I bet your sister and mother could have a nice time during the week while your DBiL is away at work. But, I can totally understand not wanting to "hurt mom's feelings" by saying you do not come to visit even though her feelings are being hurt anyway (maybe more so) by the repeated cancelled visits.

My advice to you when your mom brings this up is to cut her off and ask her not to put you in the middle of it because you love her and sister both. Repeat as necessarry (likely a lot in the begining).

I can see no reason why the OP's sister doesn't come to visit her mom if she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to. If you want to do something, you can make it happen. I'll bet OP's sis has been onvacation in the past 1 1/2 years.

I had the opposite reaction. Living on one salary often means living on a very tight budget, so to me the fact that she does not work made it legitimate that hse does not always have the money for gas fora 22 hour (round trip) drive, or else a plane ticket, etc.

Just curious as to why she has to ride with dh instead of driving herself. Is that a medical necessity, or does she just not want to drive?

Our family only has one car. It is a company car and I cannot just take off with it if DH might need it for work. This si easy to do in any area with good public transit (which many university towns offer). Some people jsut don't handle long drives well, or do not do well driving at night, etc.

 

[BelleWDW]

Is there a reason why Mom isn't the one doing the visiting? My totally blind DGM used to fly to visit into her 90's.

.

Mom is 85 in a wheelchair-no way she can go there.

The cruel is the promise of the visit, the cancellation-a further promise....and the whole thing repeating.

Sis refuses to stay with her at her house(Mom is a tad 'crotchety) anymore and has done the 11 hour drive by herself once & says its just too hard by herself.(She wont fly)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mom is 85 in a wheelchair-no way she can go there.

The cruel is the promise of the visit, the cancellation-a further promise....and the whole thing repeating.

Sis refuses to stay with her at her house(Mom is a tad 'crotchety) anymore and has done the 11 hour drive by herself once & says its just too hard by herself.(She wont fly)

It sounds like you cannot be honest in your family without getting grief so it is better to lie.

At least that is what I am getting from this post.

Is your mom an invalid? Plenty of people travel that are in wheelchairs.