Is this cruel?

[lovemygoofy]

Is the 11 hour drive without stopping? It can be so much longer with stops and traffic and weather. It's difficult to get into the car and go that far on a whim. Also, for that amount of driving time you have to make the visit worthwhile and stay more than 48hrs or so.

I'm not making excuses for the daughter not visiting but just saying she is only 11 hours away like she can jump in the car just isn't fair.

 

[Christine]

I guess I'd just call my sister up at this point and say:

"Hey sis, please don't get mom's hopes up for a visit. If you can't make it or it's just too hard, fine, but don't get her hopes up. She's just crushed when you cancel. How 'bout you just don't tell her until you are actually on your way here. And be honest with her if she asks you when you can visit."

Just leave it at that.

 

[java]

First question is how do you know she is "scheduled to come" Is that what your mom is telling you- or what your sister is telling you.

I ask because my Mom does this as well. She assumes we are coming to visit. Keeps saying it to the return of "I'm sorry we can't that time" and in her mind it's a done deal.

Not everyone has the great relationship with our parents. So I can't say if it's cruel or not- I don't know the dynamics of their relationship.

I can say I think it's terribly wrong that you are being put in the middle of their issues.

 

[Arielle22]

It sounds like you cannot be honest in your family without getting grief so it is better to lie.

At least that is what I am getting from this post.

Is your mom an invalid? Plenty of people travel that are in wheelchairs.

I don't see where the sister was honest with the mom. OP said she made promises she didn't keep.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't actually think you should be involved in it at all (maybe you're not, but it kinda sounds like you are, or maybe you have to deal with your mother's hurt feelings). But whatever the situation, I think it's between your sister and your mother.

Agreed.

My advice to you when your mom brings this up is to cut her off and ask her not to put you in the middle of it because you love her and sister both. Repeat as necessarry (likely a lot in the begining).

Agreed.

I had the opposite reaction. Living on one salary often means living on a very tight budget, so to me the fact that she does not work made it legitimate that hse does not always have the money for gas fora 22 hour (round trip) drive, or else a plane ticket, etc.

Definitely agree!

I guess I'd just call my sister up at this point and say:

"Hey sis, please don't get mom's hopes up for a visit. If you can't make it or it's just too hard, fine, but don't get her hopes up. She's just crushed when you cancel. How 'bout you just don't tell her until you are actually on your way here. And be honest with her if she asks you when you can visit."

Just leave it at that.

And tell BOTH of them that this is the LAST time you're talking about this with either of them.

First question is how do you know she is "scheduled to come" Is that what your mom is telling you- or what your sister is telling you.

I ask because my Mom does this as well. She assumes we are coming to visit. Keeps saying it to the return of "I'm sorry we can't that time" and in her mind it's a done deal.

OH, good point! MIL is like this. We've finally gotten really plain when we tell her we MIGHT do something. We make absolutely sure she understands (and there are language barriers, so we have to make SURE of this) that our plans are up in the air, that this is NOT firm, etc. Because there were way too many times in the first year, when she would start calling around to the other kids to whine and moan that DH and I were late somewhere, when there was absolutely no time given to us to be there. Or she said "afternoon" but meant "after noon"...showing up at 3 was correct for us, but WRONG for her!



If it's cruel, then my dad is cruel to me, as he's been promising a visit since Summer. Thankfully I'm wise to him, and haven't told DS about this visit. Even when he called to say that he'd spend Thanksgiving with his wife and other kids, then come on up, I didn't tell DS.

So i don't think it's cruel. But I bet your sister and mom have ALWAYS had this relationship...so it probably isn't a surprise to your mom. And she needs to talk about it to her other daughter, and NOT to you.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Just another possibility since none of us can do anything more than speculate, but maybe your sister has every intention of coming when she says she will and it's her husband who is backing out. After all, he works full-time and when he finally gets some time off he may have other things he wants to do or needs to do. You said your mother can be crotchety. Maybe he doesn't feel like driving all that way if she is crotchety to them when they finally get there. If your mother is getting older then so is everyone else. Are your sister and her husband now at the point where they are starting to have their own health concerns, vision issues, etc? Your sister may miss your mother very much but she could have perfectly valid reasons for not making it home.

 

[BelleWDW]

First question is how do you know she is "scheduled to come" Is that what your mom is telling you- or what your sister is telling you.

Sis tells us all-we plan get-togethers for her visit with extended family

I like the idea someone gave about her NOT telling Mom until she's on the road. Mom is always home-but we-her sibs-aren't...so she lets us know


Mom is unable to travel a distance-I wont go into her extensive issues-she does attend church and in town parties and such-but bathroom isssues prevent longer drives etc