Is this a valid apology?

[Rajah]

If I say "If I upset you, I'm sorry", does that mean I'm really apologizing, or trying to get out of it?

A friend of mine (from the north) insists it's trying to weasel out of an apology. I insist that it's legit (I'm from the west/south) because it's another way of saying "I'm sorry I upset you", but saying "If you're upset, I'm sorry" is trying to weasel out of it -- rephrased, "I'm sorry you're upset".

I'm curious if this is a regional thing, or what.

 

[foolishmortal]

I sort of agree with your friend, but understand where you're coming from.

To me it isn't a good apology, yes they say I'm sorry, but obviously you said something to upset them so why say "If I upset you"?????

If I upset you means I said something I think was ok, why get hurt over it...it doesn't see things from the other point of view like a real apology does.

 

[canwegosoon]

I have heard that expression a lot..I do not use it. To me it means they were sorry if you were offended, but they still feel they have the right to their opinion, so it is an apology to not be offensive to you , but at the same time saying "I'm sticking to my guns!" Being from Texas I am sure you might get that one

 

[SherryNC]

I'm feeling confused, but I would accept it.

 

[ChristmasElf]

Sounds like an apology to me. At least you said something and didn't not apologize at all.

 

[browneyes]

When I hear that, it sounds like there's an implied "but" at the end. Such as "If I upset you, I'm sorry, but it had to be said." or "If I upset you, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be so sensitive.", etc. As far as regions go, I'm from the southeast.

 

[Beauty]

It sounds like there should be a BUT afterwards, I'm sorry I upset you.....BUT.....I would just say I'm sorry.

 

[Beth76]

Yes, it's an apology. You're saying you're sorry for "upsetting" the other person. But, not necessarily for doing/saying it. Whatever "it" is, may not warrant an apology. If "it" is an opinion, you shouldn't have to apologize for having an opinion, but you may need to apologize for stating said opinion. If you had done something that you thought was right, but upset someone else, you could apologize that it upset that person. But since you thought it was the right thing to do you shouldn't have to apologize for doing it.

 

[debloco]

If I say "If I upset you, I'm sorry", does that mean I'm really apologizing, or trying to get out of it?

A friend of mine (from the north) insists it's trying to weasel out of an apology. I insist that it's legit (I'm from the west/south) because it's another way of saying "I'm sorry I upset you", but saying "If you're upset, I'm sorry" is trying to weasel out of it -- rephrased, "I'm sorry you're upset".

I'm curious if this is a regional thing, or what.

You have 3 different statements here, with what I think are 3 different meanings.

"If I upset you, I'm sorry"

It's the "if" in this statement that is causing the trouble. It can imply many things: you don't see why the person is upset, but want to be able to say you apologized; or that their being upset is unreasonable; or that you refuse to accept responsibility for whatever the behavior was that was upsetting...

"I'm sorry I upset you"

This is better because it communicates that some behavior you did was upsetting to the other person. And that you are taking responsibility for that behavior.

"I'm sorry you're upset".

This statement, lacking the "I upset you" is likely to set people off because it assumes no responsibility whatsoever. A common response would probably be something like "Uh, yeah! Gee, I wonder why?" said in a sarcastic tone of voice (not the healthiest response, but it is common). I could say this to a friend if I see she's upset about something that happened with her husband or another friend; but I had no involvement in whatever happened. But to say it to someone I had upset seems impersonal and insensitive. It lacks empathy.

Does any of that help explain? I am a Northerner, if that makes a difference

 

[C.Ann]

Yes, it's an apology. You're saying you're sorry for "upsetting" the other person. But, not necessarily for doing/saying it. Whatever "it" is, may not warrant an apology. If "it" is an opinion, you shouldn't have to apologize for having an opinion, but you may need to apologize for stating said opinion. If you had done something that you thought was right, but upset someone else, you could apologize that it upset that person. But since you thought it was the right thing to do you shouldn't have to apologize for doing it.

-------------------

I totally agree.. The only reason I would assume it was not a sincere apology is if the person doing the apologizing was rolling their eyes at the same time..

 

[disykat]

You have 3 different statements here, with what I think are 3 different meanings.

"If I upset you, I'm sorry"

It's the "if" in this statement that is causing the trouble. It can imply many things: you don't see why the person is upset, but want to be able to say you apologized; or that their being upset is unreasonable; or that you refuse to accept responsibility for whatever the behavior was that was upsetting...

"I'm sorry I upset you"

This is better because it communicates that some behavior you did was upsetting to the other person. And that you are taking responsibility for that behavior.

"I'm sorry you're upset".

This statement, lacking the "I upset you" is likely to set people off because it assumes no responsibility whatsoever. A common response would probably be something like "Uh, yeah! Gee, I wonder why?" said in a sarcastic tone of voice (not the healthiest response, but it is common). I could say this to a friend if I see she's upset about something that happened with her husband or another friend; but I had no involvement in whatever happened. But to say it to someone I had upset seems impersonal and insensitive. It lacks empathy.

Does any of that help explain? I am a Northerner, if that makes a difference

ITA! My dh likes to say "I'm sorry you're upset" and I always want to say "I'm sorry you're an idiot" right back. If he said "I'm sorry I upset you" then I would feel like he had apologized.

An apology should never say "I'm sorry YOU'RE" it should always have an active "I" to show that they are taking responsibility.

 

[bicker]

Perhaps it is a bit of symantics, but I think "I'm sorry I upset you" is actually less accurate than "I'm sorry you're upset." To say, "I'm sorry I upset you," implied that I actually have the power to make you feel something you don't want to feel. Each person decides for themselves how to feel about situations. Someone who actually objects to "I'm sorry you're upset," is abrogating their own responsibility for their own feelings.

 

[aprilgail2]

I use it when I am not really sorry...just sorry to see them upset....If I say "sorry if I upset you"...in my head after it is that "but you were a moron"!

 

[Twinkles6892]

I have a friend who's very touchy. I always say, "I'm sorry if what I said offended you." He always accepts.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Perhaps it is a bit of symantics, but I think "I'm sorry I upset you" is actually less accurate than "I'm sorry you're upset." To say, "I'm sorry I upset you," implied that I actually have the power to make you feel something you don't want to feel. Each person decides for themselves how to feel about situations. Someone who actually objects to "I'm sorry you're upset," is abrogating their own responsibility for their own feelings.

I think this takes away a person's responsibility to act civilly and be responsible for their behaviors. (To some extent). I have know some people (primarily in the counseling field) who behave atrociously, and then give the "I am sorry you are upset" without taking responsibilitiy for their behavior that caused the problem.

I do believe how I choose to react to something is my choice, but that is not the line I want to hear when someone runs over my cat, or lies about me or hits my car in the parking lot!

 

[Christine]

To me it says: I did something that upset you. I'm sorry you are upset and hurt, but I am not sorry about the thing that I did that caused it.

 

[jrydberg]

"I'm sorry if _____" implies that the fault is not really with the person "apologizing" and that perhaps the other person shouldn't be getting upset at it.

If you're really apologizing, much better to just say "I'm sorry I said this or did this." That makes it very clear.

So I vote cheesy, non-apology

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well it is both....

You are sorry that you upset the person but not sorry for what you said.

It does have a hint of snottiness, imo.

 

[Pop Daddy]

Im sorry works for me but you also must hand over a 20

 

[gina2000]

Actually people sometimes apologize because they don't know WHAT they've said or done wrong but they hate the feeling of having inadvertantly hurt someone and want to make things right. That phrase would work well in that situation and is totally an apology.