Is this a lesson my DD5 should learn?

[goofy4tink]

I'm sending you along some !! Man, it's hard to watch your child be snubbed...and at such a young age. I know that until my dd was in third grade, she had to invite all the girls in her class. Even if she wasn't all that close to them....they all got invited or no one got invited. And none of our schools, at any age, allow for handing out of invitations in class. So hugs to you and your dd. She'll get over, but you might not

 

[kristen821]

That's just rude. If they weren't going to invite all the children, they should not have given out the invitations in school.

I completely agree with you! Have fun with your dd tomorrow.

 

[paigevz]

Unfortunately, we live in a time when schools do not give out that kind of information. How are you going to mail an invitation without an address?

In my school, not only can we not give an address, kids are not allowed to hand out invitations at school. That's always a fun rule to explain to parents when they have a bunch of envelopes in their hands!

OP: I hope your dd has a great day with you.

 

[Michie]

I have never heard of a school allowing invites to be handed out unless all the kids are invited. If this mother broke this rule, I think the teacher should know.

 

[CEDmom]

I have to ask, did your DD cut this little girl's hair becuase they were playing beauty parlor (something I did with my best friend at that age) or was she being mean. If it was the former I might be a little upset (more at my own child than yours) I wouldn't hold a grudge. If it was the latter than I could see being in a bind over whether to invite your DD. My DD is extremely sensitive and if a classmate cut her hair w/o her permission she would be so hurt that she really wouldn't want that child at her party. I honestly don't know what I'd do but I'd be inclined to spare my DD any more hurt and exclude your child.

 

[summerrluvv]

Well, the birthday girl isn't listed and the other Mom hasn't called me, so I might be out of luck. I will write a note tonight.

Not that it matters, but this girl never came to DD's b-day party in June (before the hair incident), so they were never the best of friends.

I wouldn't write a note, I think that's being pushing because maybe your daughter just wasn't invited.

 

[canwegosoon]

I think you are doing the right thing...sounds like the Mom is pissed.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

I have to ask, did your DD cut this little girl's hair becuase they were playing beauty parlor (something I did with my best friend at that age) or was she being mean. If it was the former I might be a little upset (more at my own child than yours) I wouldn't hold a grudge. If it was the latter than I could see being in a bind over whether to invite your DD. My DD is extremely sensitive and if a classmate cut her hair w/o her permission she would be so hurt that she really wouldn't want that child at her party. I honestly don't know what I'd do but I'd be inclined to spare my DD any more hurt and exclude your child.

DD's explanation at the time was that "she wanted to see what happened." I honestly don't think she realized that scissors could cut something other than paper. She was punished at home, I made her apologize to the girl and I also wrote the note to the mother. As far as I know, she and the girl haven't had any more trouble, and I keep in touch with the teacher regularly. Her teacher says that the two of them never really had any bad blood or issue since two or three days after the incident.

I'm not going to bring it to the teacher's attention. The mother could easily say she invited DD and DD lost the invite. No need to drag it on any longer. In September, DD is starting a new school, and no one from her current class will be there. She can "start over" then. I just feel really bad for her right now. It's been 4 months since the hair cutting incident. Hate that she's being "punished" again.

 

[Microcell]

5 is too young for learning this lesson. Invitations should be sent to your house. I blame the parent.

Me too. My second grader has trouble recounting things correctly!

ETA: I would still call the parent and act like it got lost and then make her feel bad for snubbing if you really think she was. I am snarky though!

 

[tchrrx]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Chances are that most of the other kids will not attend the party either. And, those that do will most likely be talking about something else come Monday anyways. I would also assume that each child did receive an invite, as most schools have the 'all or nothing' rule about such things. Many kids tear into these invites as soon as the teacher hands them out and, as a result, lose them before ever leaving the classroom! Or, is there a possibility that your child was absent on the day invites went out? If so, then it's likely that the teacher didn't think to give your child an invite the next day. Sorry that this happened, but I hope you'll be able to let it go & enjoy your weekend.

 

[CEDmom]

DD's explanation at the time was that "she wanted to see what happened." I honestly don't think she realized that scissors could cut something other than paper. She was punished at home, I made her apologize to the girl and I also wrote the note to the mother. As far as I know, she and the girl haven't had any more trouble, and I keep in touch with the teacher regularly. Her teacher says that the two of them never really had any bad blood or issue since two or three days after the incident.

I'm not going to bring it to the teacher's attention. The mother could easily say she invited DD and DD lost the invite. No need to drag it on any longer. In September, DD is starting a new school, and no one from her current class will be there. She can "start over" then. I just feel really bad for her right now. It's been 4 months since the hair cutting incident. Hate that she's being "punished" again.

I don't think I would have gotten too upset under the circumstances. Heck, my DD did that to herself when she was 3 1/2. She cut her blankie and brand new shirt as well. There isn't much more you can do. I'd just chaulk it up to the mom having issues that having little to do with a child being curious. Have fun with your DD tomorrow and keep her away from sissors .

 

[tjmw2727]

Me too. My second grader has trouble recounting things correctly!

ETA: I would still call the parent and act like it got lost and then make her feel bad for snubbing if you really think she was. I am snarky though!

LOL - In my dd's current school you can only hand out invitations if either all the girls, all the boys, or everyone is invited. In the prior school no invites were allowed at all - we would have to hand them out at pick up and drop off in the parking lot. This was a funny site sometimes, esp if you were not really sure who was who!!, anyway

I always follow up on non rsvps and allow space for a few in case the invitation gets lost but if its a pay per kid type party and your dd lost the invite she may be out of luck by now.

As for the hair thing its a shame, I feel that your dd may be taking more of the blame than deserved. IMHO it took two to do the hairdressing and the other dear child shares some responsibility as she sat and let it happen. I have to assume they both wanted to see "what happened". I have two dd's so I usually assume mutual responsibility and I am usually correct on that.

I love your idea of mom & me time but be prepared for two senarios: 1 -the little girls says your coming right? and the aftermath of those who talk about the party on the following day.

Good Luck - and just wait, my dd's are 9 and 11 and complicated dosen't begin to describe it. My 9yo was all bummed out because ___ said she wasn't invited to her party - inext AUGUST, hello

TJ

 

[barkley]

i have to wonder if the invites went out via backpacks at school in the firstplace. from what i've read it's only the dd who says they were given out this way. in my experience once invites go out the kids talk non stop about it so not remembering (on the dd's part) until 2 days before the party may indicate she just got wind of it and "thinks" they would have come via her backpack (or someother misinformed kid may have told her that). i would wonder given the circumstances, if the dd even speaks face to face with the other child.

i don't see it as snubbing-there are children that get along and those that don't. i can't see forcing a child to invite everyone in their class (or all the boys/all the girls)-unless the parent wants/has to distribute them at school in which case they should follow the school policy.

i would'nt nesc. do anything special for the dd on the day of the birthday party. there will be times when kids are excluded-might be because of limitations on how many can be invited, might be just due to who is friends at that split second in time with the birthday child. in this case it may well be because of the hair cutting incident. in any case disappointment over being excluded for a birthday party she did'nt even think about until a day or two before is not going to be a traumantic life experience. i would just go on with whatever is planned for the day-and be available to talk with her about her feelings should she want to.

as for the concept of one more 5 year old not making much difference at a party-i disagree. if a parent has gone out and bought themed items, made goodie bags, planned activities for x number of kids and another kid shows up they may not be able to go out and get the items nesc. to cover that extra child which could result in the attendees who did rsvp losing out on doing/receiving something. there have been many times when i've bought for a bday party based on rsvp's (and i call if i have'nt heard either way)-the stuff can come in dozen amount bags. if i plan for 24 and an unannounced #25 shows up there's no way i'm leaving or dh is to buy another dozen size package of each item. also some party places (bowling, chuck e cheese) base your table size and package price on tiered numbers of kids-so if you've told them at the 72 hour cut off that you have x and they've priced you at it-that extra child can bump you up to having to pay for as many as 6 more (because it mandates use of a bigger table, another whole pizza, another whole picture of drinks...).

 

[Nicolepa]

This happened to my 5 yo a couple of months ago. The her best friend from school brought the invtation over when he came for a playdate. She opened it, put it on her (messy) desk and piled a bunch of stuff on top of it (I never knew about the invtation). The week after the party I made her clean her desk. She comes to me in tears because she missed the party. I promptly called the mom and tell her what happened. She says she figured something like that happened because her she asked her son if dd was coming and he said "I asked her and she said she was coming", they tried calling the day of but we were out.

DD and I had a short talk about always telling me about this type of stuff (and the importance of a clean desk LOL). She was upset for a few minutes before moving on.

I wouldn't worry about it, especially if they aren't friends to begin with.

 

[luvmyfam444]

The Mom has basically ignored me since then. Never really go into. I wrote her a note, then it was about 3 weeks until I saw her face-to-face. I apologized again. She didn't laugh it off, but wasn't shouting about it. Just said she was surprised it was my DD - she sould have expected it from the class bully. Since then, she's barely acknowledged me in the few times I've seen here (she drops off and picks up much earlier than me).

Sounds to me like the mom may have purposely not invited your dd - I'd ask the teacher if she's postive all the kids got an invite....and if your dd really got an invite then I'd show up anyway & not worry about the RSVp===MOst people don't RSVP anyway unless it's a place where she really had to know the # (to get a discount or something) if you feel the # throws off things too much then maybe you could feed your dd before going -or offer to pay her way since you didn't RSVP (but do that once you show up!) CHances are mom won't care....

BUt if dd is in tears about it Make sure you go! She may not really want to go to see that friend but wants to go 'cause all her other friends will be there.

I'd skip the note personally - don't want to blame your kid for losing it & making her look bad in the mother's eyes (who already doen'st like her)....

 

[summerrluvv]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Chances are that most of the other kids will not attend the party either. And, those that do will most likely be talking about something else come Monday anyways. I would also assume that each child did receive an invite, as most schools have the 'all or nothing' rule about such things. Many kids tear into these invites as soon as the teacher hands them out and, as a result, lose them before ever leaving the classroom! Or, is there a possibility that your child was absent on the day invites went out? If so, then it's likely that the teacher didn't think to give your child an invite the next day. Sorry that this happened, but I hope you'll be able to let it go & enjoy your weekend.

In both kindergarten and first grade (at least here), the teacher puts the invites in the students "home" folder, so they aren't handed out to the kids individually. Same goes for notes, fliers, etc.

 

[summerrluvv]

....and if your dd really got an invite then I'd show up anyway & not worry about the RSVp===MOst people don't RSVP anyway unless it's a place where she really had to know the # (to get a discount or something) if you feel the # throws off things too much then maybe you could feed your dd before going -or offer to pay her way since you didn't RSVP (but do that once you show up!) CHances are mom won't care....

That's so rude IMO. I would never not RSVP to something then just show up, especially if I wasn't invited in the first place. I always make something personlized for DS's party guests and if someone shows up unannounced, they would be feeling left out. Fortunately we haven't had that problem thus far.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

OP here - in our school there is no method for handing out cards. Most of the kids partipate in the "Before Care" program, which is supervised by junior staff, not teachers. So, if hte b-day girl came w/ a pile of invites, she would have just handed them out in the chaos that is before care. The Kindergarten teacher wouldn't have been involved.

The one Mom I talked to did tell me B-day girl's mom told her EVERYONE was invited. (Follow that?)

Another scenario is that the Mom put the invites in the cubbies. But, two kids share a cubby, so easily the invite could have been picked up by another child. Or, DD really just wasn't invited.

I did finally get the birthday girl's phone number last night, but it was at about 8:30. I really didn't want to call the Mom then. Today, I've picked up the phone a bunch of times, just to call and apologize for not RSVPing, if DD was invited, but I can't get the nagging feeling out that she wasn't.

I understand that DD will face diappointment in life in the future and I've told her several times that not everyone will like her and she shouldn't try to make everyone like her, but I still want some special time with her. And, tonight is as good a time as any. We both need it.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

So, DD came home with a fever (101.7) and a headache. She took some Motrin and went to bed - no "dress up" today. The upside is that she thinks she made the decision not to go to the party.

 

[kristen821]

I hope she feels better soon!