Is there something wrong with me?

[monkey68]

He sounds like a great guy that is polite and respectful. As long as you feel that you still have equal footing in the relationship (example, does he always decide where to eat because he's paying, or do you decide things as a team?) then he sounds like a dream. You deserve to be treated nicely as does he.

Actually, a lot of time, he lets me decide where we go to eat or what movie we watch. He's not averse to going to new places, he really doesn't care what we do or where we go. But it's not like I decide each date what we're doing either. He's not the most decisive person, and I tend to be rather adventurous, so when we go to a new restaurant where the menu may or may not be in English, we both tend to order by the eenie-meenie method.

I guess I always thought chivalry was dead before, because I've never been in a relationship like this before. I thought guys like this just didn't exist anymore. Now the problem is if I get too used to this, and then things don't work out, I might start to expect it from other relationships Hopefully, though, things will work out and I won't need to worry

 

[lovemygoofy]

Actually, a lot of time, he lets me decide where we go to eat or what movie we watch. He's not averse to going to new places, he really doesn't care what we do or where we go. But it's not like I decide each date what we're doing either. He's not the most decisive person, and I tend to be rather adventurous, so when we go to a new restaurant where the menu may or may not be in English, we both tend to order by the eenie-meenie method.

I guess I always thought chivalry was dead before, because I've never been in a relationship like this before. I thought guys like this just didn't exist anymore. Now the problem is if I get too used to this, and then things don't work out, I might start to expect it from other relationships Hopefully, though, things will work out and I won't need to worry

Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you should expect respect and to be treated nicely no matter what. I don't think letting a door slam in your face is nice at all.

It's not about chivalry or being an independent woman, it's about expecting common courtesy and giving it. Don't ever expect or demand less than that.

For the record, I dated my husband long distance for a year and whether I went to see him or he came to see me he wanted to pay for everything. He opened all my doors including the car door, held my arm while crossing the street and helped me put my coat on. Seven years later he still does all that and I'm every bit independent now as I was then.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that these little gentlemanly things are fine and are meant well. The only behaviors I dislike are when they try to be controlling or if they generally say or do demeaning things. This guy doesn't sound like he has any problems though.

Lucky!

 

[Disney Doll]

monkey68, you should expect to be treated with respect in every relationship. It sounds like you have found a well-raised gentleman. Chivalry is not dead...it may be on life-support, but it is not dead! I know a few men who are chivalrous...not to say that they think women are stupid little muffins who need to be taken care of because they can't take care of themselves...that's not the case. But a gentleman opens doors for a lady, makes sure that a lady is safe and so forth. By the same token, I have been known to do polite, nice things for gentlemen too. If I see a gentleman with his hands full, I have been known to hold the door for him.

DH is like this and he will be the first person to tell anyone that he knows I am quite capable of taking care of myself, but isn't it nice that we take care of each other. We try not to take each other for granted. Nothing wrong with that. Once DH & I were dating for a while, and we knew we were going to be together, he relaxed a little bit (although not much!) about "the man always pays" thing and would sometimes let me pay...I probably made more $$ than he did at the time so I would offer to pay every once in a while, or I'd buy tickets to an event and then ask him to come along...stuff like that.

I'd say relax and enjoy being with your gentlemanly friend, and feel sorry for your girlfriend who has clearly landed herself not so much of a gentleman. She's jealous because the guy she's marrying doesn't treat her as nicely as the guy you're dating.

 

[Scurvy]

He sounds great! I admit, the crossing the street thing might bug me a little bit, but if it doesn't bother you then that's what's important.

I do have one question, though. Does he insist on paying for things that you invite him to? If he absolutely refuses to ever let you pay for anything that the two of you do, that does seem a little controlling to me. But if he would be okay with you inviting him to a play or a sporting event and paying for the tickets yourself then I wouldn't be at all concerned about control issues.

From what you've posted, though, he sounds like a real gentleman. Maybe your friend really is jealous, or maybe she would just feel uncomfortable being treated that way and so assumes that you should as well.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Does he have a brother???

If it's a control issue YOU'RE in control of that. From what I see he's being a man, LET HIM.

BTW, have you been to his home? Make sure he's not HIDING anything ... or anyone.

Agreed.
As long as you find he's hiding nothing, he just sounds like a gentleman to me. I think many woman have become so jaded that when a man acts like a gentleman, it makes us suspicious. Partly because there are just so few out there now a days.

I'd say, just sit back and enjoy being treated like a lady should be treated.

 

[Octoberbride03]

Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you should expect respect and to be treated nicely no matter what. I don't think letting a door slam in your face is nice at all.

It's not about chivalry or being an independent woman, it's about expecting common courtesy and giving it. Don't ever expect or demand less than that.

For the record, I dated my husband long distance for a year and whether I went to see him or he came to see me he wanted to pay for everything. He opened all my doors including the car door, held my arm while crossing the street and helped me put my coat on. Seven years later he still does all that and I'm every bit independent now as I was then.

LOL if my Dh were in the service I'd wonder if we were sharing a husband My story is about the same except we've only been married for 5 and half years.

OP your BF has shown you what respect is. This is how men should treat women period. Whether it works out in the long run or not you now know how high to set the bar.

 

[onelilspark]

Hold on and don't let go.

The reason I say this is because it's obviously not an issue with control or that he doesn't want you to do anything by yourself...since you're going on vacation without him and he just asked for a postcard!! When you're there he'll probably just ask you to call him so he knows you're alright. He cares, that's good!!

Those kind of men are rare, they're gems. I have one like that myself! Well, he'll let me drive, but we're only 10 minutes from each other and it's suburbia I think he's a keeper!

 

[keenercam]

He sounds like a darling. And I really believe that you must begin as you intend to go on. My husband was always somewhat "chivalrous" when we were dating and I thought it was kind of old-fashioned, but sweet. Over the years, none of that has changed -- he still opens doors for me and "takes care of me" as if I am cherished. And I take care of him, too, because he is cherished. We've been together 26 1/2 years and celebrated our 24th anniversary in December. Our son, who will be 16 this summer, has those same traits of gentlemanly behavior, as I have seen him conduct himself with young women over the years, and most recently, with his semi-formal date. I am really proud that he is respectful and gentlemanly.

I guess that is a long way of saying that there is nothing wrong with enjoying, and in fact, expecting to be treated this way. I am sure there are many ways that you are kind and considerate to him, and all of that makes for a good relationship. Enjoy!

 

[Disney Doll]

He sounds like a darling. And I really believe that you must begin as you intend to go on. My husband was always somewhat "chivalrous" when we were dating and I thought it was kind of old-fashioned, but sweet. Over the years, none of that has changed -- he still opens doors for me and "takes care of me" as if I am cherished. And I take care of him, too, because he is cherished. We've been together 26 1/2 years and celebrated our 24th anniversary in December. Our son, who will be 16 this summer, has those same traits of gentlemanly behavior, as I have seen him conduct himself with young women over the years, and most recently, with his semi-formal date. I am really proud that he is respectful and gentlemanly.

I guess that is a long way of saying that there is nothing wrong with enjoying, and in fact, expecting to be treated this way. I am sure there are many ways that you are kind and considerate to him, and all of that makes for a good relationship. Enjoy!

You are very wise.

 

[mickeyboat]

DH and I met when I was 12 and he was 13. One thing that really made me take notice of him was that he was very chivalrous - opening doors, walking on the outside on the sidewalk, paying when we went somewhere, etc. Most boys his age had no clue, but DH has three older sisters, and was taught right.

He sounds like a keeper. Good luck!

Denae

 

[Bren's Mom]

Definitely sounds like you found a keeper!

Just listen to your gut. If *you* begin to feel constrained or controlled and some coversation with him doesn't put that at ease...pay attention. If you want to go out for a girls night, for example, and he says no because he can't come. That's a red flag. If he tells you to be careful but have fun...that's good! Just pay attention to your gut.

 

[C.Ann]

Who wouldn't enjoy being treated so kindly and with so much respect?

Reminds me of my DD.. She dated so many guys that treated her badly (some of them extremely badly) that when she met her DH, she couldn't believe he was being "real" - or that she deserved to be treated that way.. Sounds like something similar may be going on with you.. As long as he doesn't become "obssesive" (isolating you from others; demanding you spend all of your time with him; checking up on you constantly; etc.), I'd say hang on to him.. Sounds like you may have found a "keeper"..

 

[bumbershoot]

Having a good relationship can be such an eye opener to the relationships you've had in the past....on DH and my first date, I nearly fell off my chair when the bartender asked if he wanted a single or double screwdriver, and he said he'd like a *single*. Helped me realize how used to the excessive drinking of the last couple boyfriends I was! And what was more amazing is that it was about the only drink he had that year. He's a big guy but gets tipsy off of one full drink, b/c he just doesn't enjoy drinking. Amazing.

I was a smart one and latched onto him right away...we were engaged 5 weeks after our first date.

Ya beat us! We took almost 4 months to get engaged.

He sounds like a great guy that is polite and respectful. As long as you feel that you still have equal footing in the relationship (example, does he always decide where to eat because he's paying, or do you decide things as a team?) then he sounds like a dream. You deserve to be treated nicely as does he.

Agreed!

Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you should expect respect and to be treated nicely no matter what. I don't think letting a door slam in your face is nice at all.

It's not about chivalry or being an independent woman, it's about expecting common courtesy and giving it. Don't ever expect or demand less than that.

Agreed.

FWIW, if hubby's hands are full or if I get to a door before him (or anyone else) I'll open it for them. It's just the kind thing to do. And I always say thank if you if anyone opens a door for me. I think that, especially here in the PC pacific NW, it's hard for men to do that b/c they are worried about getting a nasty remark, so when I thank people they are always happy. I've also held doors open for men when I lived in South Carolina, and that got some weird responses, but hey, was I just going to let the door slam in their face? No, I was polite.

The car thing got old though...I'm just not into waiting for someone else to open my door etc. But with hubby's car we had to do it that way, as his driver's door lock was broken, so I *had to* open it for him from the inside! We started taking my car and that was solved.



He sounds like a good guy! If the money thing bugs you, just put the money you would have paid with aside, and maybe have a little weekend getaway that you plan or something like that with the money.

 

[claudia]

your story sounds like my story......I married him and it has been a wonderful 30+ years.....hopefully many, many more....

 

[monkey68]

Glad to know there's nothing wrong with me. And whoever said it's an eye opened when you get into a good relationship is right. You just don't realize how different things could be. So far, I plan to keep him

But get this, same friend calls me earlier, tells me she's a little concerned... See, we don't get to see each other terribly often, once, maybe twice a week. He works all sorts of crazy hours. Since he's the most junior pharmacist, and one of the pharmacists just left on maternity leave, so his work schedule is all over the place. Somedays he works nights, sometimes it's an early morning shift, he's pretty much all over. And I'm studying for my board exams, which I have coming up in June, so I don't have too much time either. And then when we do see each other, the time together is more special and we enjoy each other's company that much more. Would I like to see him more often? Of course. But I'm happy with the way things are going between us, so I don't understand why it bothers her so much that we do things differently than her and her fiance. We do try to see each other as often as we can, but it's difficult sometimes to see each other more than once a week. When we see each other twice a week, it's fabulous. 3 times a week, and it's like cloud 9.

She said we should be both willing to compromise more... OK, fine. Compromise is good. So lets see... should he lose his job or should I do worse on my boards? As much as I like him, I'm not willing to sacrifice my education, and he wouldn't let me anyway. And I don't really think he's willing to lose his job even though he has crazy hours, just a hunch, really. Whatever, I don't think I'll be sharing much more about him to her than is absolutely needed.

Actually, little cute story. I mentioned how I always wanted to go kayaking, and he said the only way he'll take me kayaking before my boards is if I take my pharm cards and review on the way up, and then listen to my pathology lectures on the way down. And of course, while kayaking, he would be asking me questions about various drugs, their mechanisms, side effects, etc. He is a pharmacist, after all. Now tell me, is that romantic, or what?

 

[claudia]

Glad to know there's nothing wrong with me. And whoever said it's an eye opened when you get into a good relationship is right. You just don't realize how different things could be. So far, I plan to keep him

But get this, same friend calls me earlier, tells me she's a little concerned... See, we don't get to see each other terribly often, once, maybe twice a week. He works all sorts of crazy hours. Since he's the most junior pharmacist, and one of the pharmacists just left on maternity leave, so his work schedule is all over the place. Somedays he works nights, sometimes it's an early morning shift, he's pretty much all over. And I'm studying for my board exams, which I have coming up in June, so I don't have too much time either. And then when we do see each other, the time together is more special and we enjoy each other's company that much more. Would I like to see him more often? Of course. But I'm happy with the way things are going between us, so I don't understand why it bothers her so much that we do things differently than her and her fiance. We do try to see each other as often as we can, but it's difficult sometimes to see each other more than once a week. When we see each other twice a week, it's fabulous. 3 times a week, and it's like cloud 9.

She said we should be both willing to compromise more... OK, fine. Compromise is good. So lets see... should he lose his job or should I do worse on my boards? As much as I like him, I'm not willing to sacrifice my education, and he wouldn't let me anyway. And I don't really think he's willing to lose his job even though he has crazy hours, just a hunch, really. Whatever, I don't think I'll be sharing much more about him to her than is absolutely needed.

Actually, little cute story. I mentioned how I always wanted to go kayaking, and he said the only way he'll take me kayaking before my boards is if I take my pharm cards and review on the way up, and then listen to my pathology lectures on the way down. And of course, while kayaking, he would be asking me questions about various drugs, their mechanisms, side effects, etc. He is a pharmacist, after all. Now tell me, is that romantic, or what?

It sounds like he is a wonderful guy.....and it sounds like your friend may be just a tad jealous. I think you are right in holding back on sharing info with her. If everything is working for the both of you that is all that really matters. The fact that both of you are so responsible, level headed and dedicated to your futures is great. I especially like your comment about how you are not willing to sacrifice your education and that he wouldn't let you....shows a lot of character. And yes, that story is very romantic

 

[laurie31]

Well, here's another vote for jealousy!

First, she's concerned that he's "controlling" and now she's concerned because he doesn't spend enough time with you? Sorry, but he can't be BOTH! LOL!

When DH and I were dating, I was in grad school and working full time. We saw each other MAYBE once or twice a week. After I graduated, I worked 7on-7off for 14 years. We didn't see each other from the Sunday of my week off until the following Saturday morning. We both are the knd of people who need our own space, so we're perfectly happy not being joined at the hip every waking moment, and as you described, the times we ARE together is all cloud nine-ish

We have been happily married for almost 16 years now. Our crazy schedule works for us. (I work 4-12 three days a week, plus every other weekend. I haven't seen DH since Wednesday. I will be seeing him in about 30 minutes, and I'm all warm and fuzzy about it ). We have given up trying to explain it to other people who shake their heads and say they would hate it. Trust me, if either of us hated it, we would figure a way to change, but we're happy. Why should we change what works for us to conform to someone else's idea of what a relationship should be? We get mistaken for newlyweds when we go out without the kids, because we hold hands and sit there making eyes at each other letting our food get cold.

It sounds like you and your guy are in a mature relationship (by mature, I mean you aren't overly emotionally dependant on each other and you still have your own individuality - you are going on a trip with friends, etc. - and you each appreciate and respect the other). If this guy isn't "the one" (although I have a feeling he is, just from how you talk about him...) you need to find another one just like him! LOL

I think you're on the right track -just don't talk about him as much with this friend anymore. You can come here and tell us on the DIS!