Is "No" such a bad thing for kids to hear?

[NMAmy]

I have seen a number of threads pertaining to money and a common statement I see is "I hate telling my kids, No".

I want to get to the root of why so many hate telling their kids "no."

Do you feel guilty for not having the money?

Do you feel they are extremely disapointed?

Would you buy them what they wanted if the money was there?

Am I emotionaly inept because I tell my children no all the time and don't have even the slightest twinge of internal conflict about it?

I am going to assume all the basic needs are met or else you wouldn't have access to the internet. So what is it that bothers you so much about saying "no" to your kids?

Since this question pertains to money, I perhaps read it differently than others. In this economy, I'm sure there are a lot of parents who may have told their children "yes" to small pleasures (sports participation, a special toy occasionally, lunch at a fast food place) and are now unable to afford these things.

I know when I first got divorced, money was extremely tight and I suddenly had to tell my dd, "No" for things that were really insignificant when we had a combined income with my ex. It wasn't a biggie for me to tighten my own belt but having to tell her no for something like a Scholastic book order at school was really hard. Bless her heart, she never fussed about it. In later years, I was talking about how poor we were at that time and she has absolutely no memory of all the things we did without. She's told me that was one of the happiest times of her life and she loved living with just the two of us in our little apartment. Well, the apartment had a pool and I think that may have taken the sting out of the situation for her.

So when I see people in this economy saying that they hate to tell their children "no," I don't automatically think of it as a no to bad behavior or a big ticket item but possibly a no to things that used to not be a big deal financially.

 

[The Orchid]

I have no problem saying no.

I probably feel good about saying no because many years ago I briefly knew an idiot....ooops, bad me....I knew a mother who never said no to her child. The kid was an Indigo kid or a crystal kid or ruby or whatever the heck it was. I never fully understood all her bizarre ramblings about it. It was supposedly some evolved higher life form not human whatevertheheck creature. Apparently a lot of kids are born this way these days? I never knew. Anyway, because of his "status" as a non human advanced evolutioned creature, saying no was baaaaaaaaaaad because it could stunt his overwhelming creativity.

Apparently part of being a indigo/crystal/ruby whatever kid means that they have this belief from birth on that they are like royalty and expect to be treated as such. This idiot...oops, there I go again...brought her demon spawn in to my house and didn't say no. He was carrying on, taking things, throwing things, having fits, screaming, trying to bust things and color on walls...I finally said, "no" to him when he was ready to take my Cinderella plate and bust it over the back of the kitchen chair. The mother was infuriated, told me that NOBODY says no to her child, and she took the demon spawn and left.

THAT taught me how important it is to say no to children. Boundaries. Those are some awesome things!!!!!!!! I chose to risk ruining my daughter's creativity and well, she plays ten musical instruments today, so she seems pretty creative to me. Maybe she would have been Beethovenette by now had I let her break things and color on my walls and whatever else she wanted to do.

 

[The Orchid]

Since this question pertains to money, I perhaps read it differently than others. In this economy, I'm sure there are a lot of parents who may have told their children "yes" to small pleasures (sports participation, a special toy occasionally, lunch at a fast food place) and are now unable to afford these things.

I know when I first got divorced, money was extremely tight and I suddenly had to tell my dd, "No" for things that were really insignificant when we had a combined income with my ex. It wasn't a biggie for me to tighten my own belt but having to tell her no for something like a Scholastic book order at school was really hard. Bless her heart, she never fussed about it. In later years, I was talking about how poor we were at that time and she has absolutely no memory of all the things we did without. She's told me that was one of the happiest times of her life and she loved living with just the two of us in our little apartment. Well, the apartment had a pool and I think that may have taken the sting out of the situation for her.

So when I see people in this economy saying that they hate to tell their children "no," I don't automatically think of it as a no to bad behavior or a big ticket item but possibly a no to things that used to not be a big deal financially.

That is a wonderful, heart warming story. You did good! And it's very true! Kids don't remember what they had and what they didn't have. I often felt that I couldn't buy my daughter everything she wanted. I became very ill in her early childhood and I felt so much guilt about that. Now she's 18 and a about a week after her birthday, she actually thanked me. I asked her what for and she said for giving her a wonderful childhood. That was quite possibly the best moment of my life! I leaned a lot at that moment....kids really don't need anything more than love, humor, and moral support to be happy. I mean, it's not like she was deprived by any means. But she plays a lot of musical instruments and I couldn't buy her the instruments and lessons AND buy her video games, ipods, computers and expensive clothes! She had to choose, and I felt so bad about that. But she looks back and feels that she had it good. That is just amazing to me...all those years I worried so much about it and she didn't care.

 

[powellrj]

I say no so often, my kids are actually surprised when I say yes!

I admit I tell my DD yes more often than I did the boys, but its because she came at a different time in our lives. She was born to older parents and she is the last one. I tell the boys they got the young poor parents and she got the old rich ones!

 

[dismom2005]

I was told by a close family member that I should tell my kids "no" more often than I do. I am still not sure if I agree with that comment. I think they are pretty well behaved but I guess i'm just a pushover, it's more of my personality to say "yes" than "no" - not just to my kids but in my everyday life.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Since this question pertains to money, I perhaps read it differently than others. In this economy, I'm sure there are a lot of parents who may have told their children "yes" to small pleasures (sports participation, a special toy occasionally, lunch at a fast food place) and are now unable to afford these things.

I know when I first got divorced, money was extremely tight and I suddenly had to tell my dd, "No" for things that were really insignificant when we had a combined income with my ex. It wasn't a biggie for me to tighten my own belt but having to tell her no for something like a Scholastic book order at school was really hard. Bless her heart, she never fussed about it. In later years, I was talking about how poor we were at that time and she has absolutely no memory of all the things we did without. She's told me that was one of the happiest times of her life and she loved living with just the two of us in our little apartment. Well, the apartment had a pool and I think that may have taken the sting out of the situation for her.

So when I see people in this economy saying that they hate to tell their children "no," I don't automatically think of it as a no to bad behavior or a big ticket item but possibly a no to things that used to not be a big deal financially.

Great story and so true! There were so many things that were a "treat" when I was a kid. Going to any fast food place was a once or twice a year experience for me (imagine how I must have felt when my parents saved for four years to take us to WDW for the first time on what was the equivalent to Deluxe Dining and stayed at the Poly ) I didn't know until I was a teenager that a "steak" is NOT a hamburger patty on a plate. We didn't have a lot growing up (always food, new clothes once a year, a few presents for B-Days and Christmas) but I think that makes you extremely more appreciative of everything you have later in life and I never noticed it when I was a child. I thought I had everything.

 

[GeorgeG]

No is a perfectly acceptable response to many questions. Kids, as well as many adults, need to learn that.

 

[sunnyday123]

That is a wonderful, heart warming story. You did good! And it's very true! Kids don't remember what they had and what they didn't have. I often felt that I couldn't buy my daughter everything she wanted. I became very ill in her early childhood and I felt so much guilt about that. Now she's 18 and a about a week after her birthday, she actually thanked me. I asked her what for and she said for giving her a wonderful childhood. That was quite possibly the best moment of my life! I leaned a lot at that moment....kids really don't need anything more than love, humor, and moral support to be happy. I mean, it's not like she was deprived by any means. But she plays a lot of musical instruments and I couldn't buy her the instruments and lessons AND buy her video games, ipods, computers and expensive clothes! She had to choose, and I felt so bad about that. But she looks back and feels that she had it good. That is just amazing to me...all those years I worried so much about it and she didn't care.

It also teaches them responsibility....I can't always buy DD things that she wants at the drop of a hat, we have to save for them. She learned saving at an early age-4 ( when I divorced) and I made the mistake of telling her she could take her saved change, cash it in, and buy anything she wanted at Toys R Us. We walked out of there with a Firefly phone and a really annoying Alvin and the Chipmunks CD. At 11, she is still a responsible saver, and barters extra chores for things. I think sometimes it's easier for parents to buy things to entertain their kids then actually doing something for them. We've always gone on walks and played who can find the biggest leaf, or walked around a historic city in our state and just looked around. Her favorite thing is "pretend shopping." We go to the mall and pretend she is getting ready for a fancy ball with the President or the Jonas Brothers ( I know, way different ends of the spectrum!) and she tries on dresses and jewelry but we DON'T buy it. There are so many more fun things to do with your kids that are free, and while it sometimes stinks to say no, as a parent you can't give them everything they want or they just don't learn responsibility or the value of a dollar.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

As a kid who rarely heard no, when I grew up life took some getting used to. It was a hard reality when I was on my own and actually racked up some CCs trying to live in what was my norm. Thankfully I learned and got over it.

I believe when you don't get as much you appreciate more. My kids have pleanty but are not just given to be given. It makes holidays and birthdays more special. Also, they get rewarded with extras for doing extras and they save that money for things that are important to them. My kids have some friends who are never told no and they see how they almost expect things.

So, I think no is fine. I would rather teach my kids now then have them be shocked as adults that things don't just magially appear.

 

[rumrunnergirl]

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[M&N]

I guess what bothers me is the kid who hears no but doesn't think it applies to them. They do it anyway and there are no consequences. Parents seem to overlook they said no.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

My dd has said in the past "mommy is the no and daddy is the yes." It kills me but I live with it because "daddy" only sees her once or twice a year (by his choice).

As a single mom I always have to be the one telling dd no. It some ways it is easier - there is no other parent to manipulate or to play against me. No means no.

That being said - when it comes to our disney vacations, I like to be a yes mom. I try for that week to elimate the word no (unless ofcourse it involves something dangerous). This makes me saying no for the rest of the year a little bit easier.

Kids need boundaries, they need to understand what is okay and what isn't. Saying no is a huge part of that. Ofcourse they are going to push at thier boundaries - thats dds job. It's my job to keep those boundaries in place and expand them as my dd is ready for that.

 

[dreamer17555]

Hmmm.... Cat does a lot of dance, a lot. And it is expensive, very expensive because of that we aren't a shopping family. I got to the groccery store and thats it, stay away from Walmarts and Shopping Malls.

She has more than enough clothes but none of the video games, or even systems that her friends have, no TV in her room. But this is her choice. She wants to dance so money goes to that.

I think saying No is valuable but I also think it is more valuable for her to know the limits and let her decide for herself what is important.

-Becca-

 

[SaraJayne]

I have no problem saying "no". My kids hear it all the time. And for us, it doesn't have anything to do with $$$. It has to do with wants vs. needs.

Do you need another game for your DS? No, you don't.

Do you need another outfit for your Build a Bear? No, you don't.

Do you need a new pair of shoes because your other ones aren't allowed in the house due to stinkage and wear? Yes, you do.

Do you need a new backpack because your other one has a zipper missing? Yes, you do.

So, for me, it's balancing the wants vs. needs...and the wants rarely win. LOL

 

[SaraJayne]

My dd has said in the past "mommy is the no and daddy is the yes." It kills me but I live with it because "daddy" only sees her once or twice a year (by his choice).

As a single mom I always have to be the one telling dd no. It some ways it is easier - there is no other parent to manipulate or to play against me. No means no.

That being said - when it comes to our disney vacations, I like to be a yes mom. I try for that week to elimate the word no (unless ofcourse it involves something dangerous). This makes me saying no for the rest of the year a little bit easier.

Kids need boundaries, they need to understand what is okay and what isn't. Saying no is a huge part of that. Ofcourse they are going to push at thier boundaries - thats dds job. It's my job to keep those boundaries in place and expand them as my dd is ready for that.

I agree with the vacation part. When we are on vacation (whether that be Disney or elsewhere) I tend to say "yes" a lot more.

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, I don't "like" telling my kids no. Do people really like it? But I do it because either it's for their own good or because we can't afford whatever it is.

 

[FireDancer]

My dd has said in the past "mommy is the no and daddy is the yes." It kills me but I live with it because "daddy" only sees her once or twice a year (by his choice).

As a single mom I always have to be the one telling dd no. It some ways it is easier - there is no other parent to manipulate or to play against me. No means no.

I grew up in the exact situation you are talking about. I had a mother who did the hard parenting even when it meant saying no. My father, on the other hand, was more interested in being our friend than being a parent and would go behind my mother's back and often times sneak the thing in that we were told no about.

Of course as a kid this is great but once I grew up I realized that what my mom did was the parenting and what my dad did was the cowardly and easy way to parent. I needed two parents, not one parent and a friend 30 years older than me.

So even though it is hard now I trust that when you daughter gets old enough to realize what is happening she will appreciate you for it.

 

[Monte Cristo]

I tell my kids "no". Sometimes I will phrase it a little differently, so the answer doesn't come out as a simple one word "no" (because who wants to hear that all the time). Sometimes I will say "later", or "maybe", or "let me think about it" - it all depends on what the request is about, but I have no problems with giving my kids boundaries, limits and structure. That's my job.

When's later mommy, when, when, when? I can just hear it now.
Maybe? IMO that's almost a yes to a child!
Later? that is a yes, with a not now in the middle.

I think it's perfectly ok to say no where applicable.

 

[metime]

When I was little my mother would say "no" but I could always change it to a "yes".

Now as an adult I realize how often my mother said things that weren't ever concrete and in all honestly she is not someone I would trust to watch a goldfish.

My children know that when I say "no" it means no. They also know when I say I'll be in the hospital for a while but I will get better and I will come home that they can trust that. If I were a parent who changed answers or gave evasive answers that weren't consistently up front and honest, my children would have probably been very upset by me being in the hospital for a month and not being able to do anything for years after that. They draw comfort from me being direct and honest even if it means they are disapointed.

It isn't like I walk around gleefully saying "no" but I feel confident in my reasoning and I don't feel bad or guilty. We never say "No" because we don't have the money. If lack of funds were the reason I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it unless my reckless behaviour was the reason my family is in fanancial peril, but that would never happen.