Is Living together instead of Marriage

[kimblebee]

Wha????? He was her uncle. How did that even fly?!!

No, they were first cousins. He was my uncle. Apparently anyone who lives together for six months or a year (can’t remember which) are considered common law. The sick thing is, she was already not talking to her sister over their moms will (and this was going on decades). I could write pages about the whole mess.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

It totally depends on the Common Law rules where you live!

 

[DaddysPrincess]

For the situation I'm in, it's an excellent deal for me, and a good deal for him. I moved into his home and I don't work anywhere, which was his idea. He runs his own mechanic business from home so my job is to help him in the garage/run to parts stores, keep the house clean, & take care of the pets. I am totally spoiled but I also make sure I spoil him with massages since he works so hard. He says that even tho I don't work (& he spends more $ since it's not just him), it probably evens out. I can do household stuff/run errands, giving him more time to work on jobs that bring in $. He also is a musician, which I love because he takes me to gigs, which is an automatic party and great deal for me (free drinks!!). I can usually get the dance floor packed by the second set, which helps the band get future gigs.

As for marriage, it'd be a horrible deal for him. I have sm debt, unfortunately, and he'd have to take that on, which is not fair (esp since I accrued it before meeting him). I doubt it'd be some great deal for me, either. I hate that finances has anything to do with getting married.. devalues it imo

 

[DaddysPrincess]

I'm going to take your advice on the self-care so I can get back on the market with some confidence. It's nice to see that people don't agree with my original thought that women were easily used up.

yoga is my life saver. And I believe you're only as old as you feel. Staying active, going on adventures, and having a semi-healthy diet are key imo

 

[BLAZEY]

Our work insurance applies to all types of co-habitation and domestic partnership arrangements; including the dependent children of each party. Pretty much all you have to do is say someone is your SO and be residing together. It would seem preferable to me than staying on a parent's insurance when you are clearly no longer a dependent child. (Of course the stakes are lower here in Canada as private insurance is only supplemental and everyone has public, major medical coverage, but it's the principle of the thing.)

Same here. We were married before living together, but I was on his extended benefits less that 2 weeks after we were married, he went on mine I got my job that offered benefits.

 

[goofyernmost]

Depends where you live. Here the law is co-habitate for 2 years is equal to common law marriage, assets acquired during that time could be divided 50-50 in a break up, should one partner push it. It's even less if there is a child involved between both parties. Inheritances and some gifts are exempt, provided they remain in a personal account of the party that inherited. Put it in a joint account and it's common property
Sister had boyfriend sign a "co -habitant" agreement which was voided upon their marriage. They have now been married for 6 year and have 2 kids.

That might have changed I guess. I have been off the market for a long, long time, but, last I heard in the states it was 6 years to become a common law marriage. Has that changed.... not even asking for a friend. Just curious.

 

[goofyernmost]

It's amazing what a healthy diet, exercise, yoga and a little Botox can do to help women look and feel much younger. You're only 37 and you have children so you are lucky even though you may not have more. My sister had her first child at 46 so it can happen.

Everything, including completely ignoring any of that health stuff will make you healthy when you are young. Historically, when you reach a certain age, it eventually becomes just something you did to stay active when you are young. Nothing stops the aging process along with the deterioration of the body and the organs within the body. So, think ahead to the day when you have eaten an ocean full of kale and still have colon cancer, because it can happen and no matter what you did in your youth, you will not stop it if your body is DNA'ed to get it.

I'm not saying that to be a downer, but, really the old saying that "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself" is somewhat true. However, if you are programmed to get arthritis, some of the millions of other preventive moves you made in your youth, will not stop it. You many be better equipped to deal with it, but, it will happen. The problem is not in staying fit in your youth, but, the problem is outliving your body's ability to function at 100%. Just keep it in mind and plan ahead for something that you don't want, but, might have to deal with. Sorry, just my old person ramble for the day. I know no one will listen to it anyway, because, individually we are all special and nothing like that will happen to us.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Everything, including completely ignoring any of that health stuff will make you healthy when you are young. Historically, when you reach a certain age, it eventually becomes just something you did to stay active when you are young. Nothing stops the aging process along with the deterioration of the body and the organs within the body. So, think ahead to the day when you have eaten an ocean full of kale and still have colon cancer, because it can happen and no matter what you did in your youth, you will not stop it if your body is DNA'ed to get it.

I'm not saying that to be a downer, but, really the old saying that "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself" is somewhat true. However, if you are programmed to get arthritis, some of the millions of other preventive moves you made in your youth, will not stop it. You many be better equipped to deal with it, but, it will happen. The problem is not in staying fit in your youth, but, the problem is outliving your body's ability to function at 100%. Just keep it in mind and plan ahead for something that you don't want, but, might have to deal with. Sorry, just my old person ramble for the day. I know no one will listen to it anyway, because, individually we are all special and nothing like that will happen to us.

LOL

 

[MrsPete]

It's a bad deal for both, especially if you start pooling money or items and the like.

I agree. Although it's not a popular mindset today, it's a horrible deal for both partners:

- In my limited experience, all too often a couple moves in together, and one of the pair -- usually the woman -- has the idea that this is a prelude to marriage. Yet that expectation isn't always shared. When marriage doesn't come along -- after six months, a year, whatever timeframe the marriage-oriented partner had in mind -- tensions flare.
- Statistics tell us that most people who move in together without marriage don't end up "happily ever after" -- they're more likely to go their separate ways, which makes sense because everyone goes through hard times occasionally, and without legal ties it's easier to walk away from one another.
- Statistics tell us that people who lived together before marriage are more likely -- if they marry -- to divorce.
- People like to say it's to find out if they're compatible /to practice being married, but that makes no sense. You can't "practice" taking on a lifetime commitment to one another. "Trying it out" is the exact opposite of making a commitment to one another and agreeing to do your best for one another no matter what.
- Living together and mixing finances can turn into a sticky mess; better to have a non-romantic roommate before marriage.
- If children are involved, it's horribly confusing for them if /when things go badly.
- If families aren't in agreement (and don't you know a whole lot of families who think the spouse isn't good enough for their baby girl or golden boy?), sickness, death or inheritance can be very tricky since the two partners have no legal ties to one another. Parents (or adult children) can end up being official next-of-kin, and next-of-kin has some rights that live-in-boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't.
- Coming home from your wedding and moving in together for the first time has a special excitement, a sense of forever -- I can't imagine how it would be to come home from your wedding and not have that "new" feeling.

 

[LSUmiss]

Everything, including completely ignoring any of that health stuff will make you healthy when you are young. Historically, when you reach a certain age, it eventually becomes just something you did to stay active when you are young. Nothing stops the aging process along with the deterioration of the body and the organs within the body. So, think ahead to the day when you have eaten an ocean full of kale and still have colon cancer, because it can happen and no matter what you did in your youth, you will not stop it if your body is DNA'ed to get it.

I'm not saying that to be a downer, but, really the old saying that "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself" is somewhat true. However, if you are programmed to get arthritis, some of the millions of other preventive moves you made in your youth, will not stop it. You many be better equipped to deal with it, but, it will happen. The problem is not in staying fit in your youth, but, the problem is outliving your body's ability to function at 100%. Just keep it in mind and plan ahead for something that you don't want, but, might have to deal with. Sorry, just my old person ramble for the day. I know no one will listen to it anyway, because, individually we are all special and nothing like that will happen to us.

Yep my dad took meticulous care of himself & followed most health recommendations pretty strictly often denying himself many indulgences. Also, he was very frugal. But, then he suddenly got diagnosed & died of pancreatic cancer without even a chance to try chemo. Has totally changed my perspective on what is important to me in my life.

 

[ronandannette]

I agree. Although it's not a popular mindset today, it's a horrible deal for both partners:

- In my limited experience, all too often a couple moves in together, and one of the pair -- usually the woman -- has the idea that this is a prelude to marriage. Yet that expectation isn't always shared. When marriage doesn't come along -- after six months, a year, whatever timeframe the marriage-oriented partner had in mind -- tensions flare.
- Statistics tell us that most people who move in together without marriage don't end up "happily ever after" -- they're more likely to go their separate ways, which makes sense because everyone goes through hard times occasionally, and without legal ties it's easier to walk away from one another.
- Statistics tell us that people who lived together before marriage are more likely -- if they marry -- to divorce.
- People like to say it's to find out if they're compatible /to practice being married, but that makes no sense. You can't "practice" taking on a lifetime commitment to one another. "Trying it out" is the exact opposite of making a commitment to one another and agreeing to do your best for one another no matter what.
- Living together and mixing finances can turn into a sticky mess; better to have a non-romantic roommate before marriage.
- If children are involved, it's horribly confusing for them if /when things go badly.
- If families aren't in agreement (and don't you know a whole lot of families who think the spouse isn't good enough for their baby girl or golden boy?), sickness, death or inheritance can be very tricky since the two partners have no legal ties to one another. Parents (or adult children) can end up being official next-of-kin, and next-of-kin has some rights that live-in-boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't.
- Coming home from your wedding and moving in together for the first time has a special excitement, a sense of forever -- I can't imagine how it would be to come home from your wedding and not have that "new" feeling.

There are not many here who are going to agree with you, but I do. I'm not sure of the veracity of your statistics as I've not researched it myself but I'm sure people will be along to correct us shortly!

 

[mummabear]

Statistics tell us that people who lived together before marriage are more likely -- if they marry -- to divorce.

Statistics can often be found to support any argument.
My thought on this particular one is that most people will live together before they are married, the only ones who don't are usually very religious, which also comes hand in hand with an "inability" to divorce, doesnt mean they are happily married, it just makes them trapped.

 

[ronandannette]

Statistics can often be found to support any argument.
My thought on this particular one is that most people will live together before they are married, the only ones who don't are usually very religious, which also comes hand in hand with an "inability" to divorce, doesnt mean they are happily married, it just makes them trapped.

Your "thoughts" are hilariously narrow-minded. Please do go on to expound on how we're probably all uneducated, sexually repressed and controlled by the patriarchy...

 

[kimblebee]

Your "thoughts" are hilariously narrow-minded. Please do go on to expound on how we're probably all sexually repressed and controlled by the patriarchy...

You don't think that @MrsPete views are narrow minded too? I lived with my now husband for 8 months before we were married. We definitely had the newlywed stage just the same as couples who waited.

 

[DaddysPrincess]

I agree. Although it's not a popular mindset today, it's a horrible deal for both partners

This is why communication is so important. Discussing where you want to go in Life is a must if you're living together romantically. Neither of us wanted marriage or kids until after living together for a year or so. We've discussed it but it'd be so unfair to him it's sick
My idiotic past self ruined my future . So cliche
We make it work tho

 

[ronandannette]

You don't think that @MrsPete views are narrow minded too? I lived with my now husband for 8 months before we were married. We definitely had the newlywed stage just the same as couples who waited.

You have a point - the one aspect of that post I wouldn't have expressed myself is most women want marriage and most men don't, and that women basically only agree to live together while they're hoping for a ring. There's no basis for assuming that.

I'd be interested to know though, from somebody who's views are different than mine, if @MrsPete 's post vibed as snide to you as @mummabear 's did to me?

 

[kimblebee]

You have a point - the one aspect of that post I wouldn't have expressed myself is most women want marriage and most men don't, and that women basically only agree to live together while they're hoping for a ring. There's no basis for assuming that.

I'd be interested to know though, from somebody who's views are different than mine, if @MrsPete 's post vibed as snide to you as @mummabear 's did to me?

I would have said it nicer, but I do think she has a point. Again, not for all people, but for some I'm sure. Having said that, I am not religious at all and I don't think divorce is an easy way out. Been there, done that. Not that I did think that the first time around. We could have gone to counseling for 20 years and it wouldn't have saved that marriage.

 

[a1tinkfans]

To each their own...I don’t see any Advantage personally... and what people don’t often realize.. if one gets seriously ill/hospitalized the other has no rights as a Non family member.
Happened to a family member, it was an additional awfully stressful situation. They married shortly after his release, had 5 years together until that Leukemia took him, much to early
RIP R!
All Cancer Sucks!

 

[goofyernmost]

Yep my dad took meticulous care of himself & followed most health recommendations pretty strictly often denying himself many indulgences. Also, he was very frugal. But, then he suddenly got diagnosed & died of pancreatic cancer without even a chance to try chemo. Has totally changed my perspective on what is important to me in my life.

Well, no one is advocating being obsessed with health, just to be wise and understand some basic things. 1. No one does themselves a favor by wallowing in antibiotics. All that does is suppress one's immune system which may be really needed at a later date. 2. There are about a gazillion things out there that can kill you quickly no matter how healthy you might have been just a few days ago. 3. As far as I can tell we only get one go around at life. Denying ourselves of things that make this life a little more pleasant will not buy anyone even a second of time. I don't say eat, drink and act crazy to an excess, but, try and enjoy what precious little time we have.

I just turned 70 a couple weeks ago. Up until the 5th of June this year, I never had anything even close to life threatening. The day before I started having a mild ache on my right side. It wasn't a terrible pain, just enough so that I really couldn't get to sleep, so at 1am, I decided to drive the 20 miles to my ER. I had a minor pain like that once before and it was a kidney stone, so I thought I might just as well go and have it checked out. Anyway, about 8 miles from the ER, I started to have chills. It was 80 outside and I had my car heater turned all the way up. The chills started to be accompanied by my whole body shaking uncontrollably and caused so much flexing of muscle that it actually winded me to the point that I couldn't catch my breath. Remember, none of this was happening when I left home. This was totally by surprise. I'm not a doctor, but, I knew I was in deep, deep trouble, however, I had a dilemma. It was 1:30am, there was no one else out on the road and I seriously felt that if I stopped and called 911 that by the time they got there all they would find was my lifeless body. So, feeling like I had little choice I braced myself against my car seat and the steering wheel and pushed on (literally). Obviously, I made it but when I stumbled, still shaking, into the ER, they didn't even ask my name they just took me inside immediately. I don't know what they did exactly, but, I eventually stopped shaking and was able to get my breath back. I mentioned that I had been there for over an hour and no one yet had asked me why I was there. There were sure it was a heart issue. When I got there my respiration was off the charts, by heart rate was at 140 per min. and my blood pressure was 68 over 23. I told them why I had actually headed out for the ER and mentioned that I had thought that I might have a Kidney Stone so the looked into that. That is what I had, but, it had managed to stay in one spot for a long time and had created a major infection which in turn created what was diagnosed as Sepsis. That was what caused the chills, shaking and erratic BP. Anyway, although I was properly chastised for continuing to drive to the ER, they also said that if I hadn't I would probably be a very dead person right now.

Sorry for the long story, but in almost my entire 70 years on the planet I had never come that close to death and I even spent a year of that time in a war. It was something that no one in my family had ever heard of including me, but, it came on instantly and if I hadn't been on my way to the ER already they felt that there was a good chance I never would have got there. The moral of the story is, of course we should all take care of ourselves and not do things that will immediately cause problem, but, enjoy life while you have it. Try and spend time with people that love you and that you love as well, and don't take any single moment for granted. Stuff like this is hard to erase from one's memory bank and for a while there kind of made a hypochondriac out of someone that would used to wait a day if I was bleeding from the ears to see if it would stop and save me a trip. No one is owed a tomorrow, make today a day to remember.

 

[MrsPete]

Yep my dad took meticulous care of himself & followed most health recommendations pretty strictly often denying himself many indulgences. Also, he was very frugal. But, then he suddenly got diagnosed & died of pancreatic cancer without even a chance to try chemo. Has totally changed my perspective on what is important to me in my life.

That's a terrible situation, but not typical. (Or maybe pancreatic cancer is one of those fast-moving diseases? I don't know about that.) In general, if you take good care of yourself, you're more likely to live longer and in better health.

Statistics can often be found to support any argument.
My thought on this particular one is that most people will live together before they are married, the only ones who don't are usually very religious, which also comes hand in hand with an "inability" to divorce, doesnt mean they are happily married, it just makes them trapped.

Check online. You'll find that the majority of the statistics point towards living together prior to marriage as a negative in terms of long-term happiness.

I know plenty of religious people who are divorced; I do think they tend to work a little harder at keeping things together, but they're certainly not unable to divorce.

You don't think that @MrsPete views are narrow minded too? I lived with my now husband for 8 months before we were married. We definitely had the newlywed stage just the same as couples who waited.

Maybe I'm narrow minded, but I'm not uninformed. Again, check those statistics. As for having the same excitement /newlywed stage, how can you know that? You only get to experience it one way.

This is why communication is so important. Discussing where you want to go in Life is a must if you're living together romantically. Neither of us wanted marriage or kids until after living together for a year or so. We've discussed it but it'd be so unfair to him it's sick
My idiotic past self ruined my future . So cliche
We make it work tho

Yes, communication is of utmost importance, but -- again, in my limited experience -- it's in short supply among dating couples. From listening to my friends, it seems to me that each member of the couple seems to assume that the other thinks like he or she does.

You have a point - the one aspect of that post I wouldn't have expressed myself is most women want marriage and most men don't, and that women basically only agree to live together while they're hoping for a ring. There's no basis for assuming that.

I'd be interested to know though, from somebody who's views are different than mine, if @MrsPete 's post vibed as snide to you as @mummabear 's did to me?

I was aiming to share my views, unpopular as they may be. Nothing was meant to be snide.