Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
That is your perception and it might be true in your case. But, I wonder if your DD feels the same way. You know the teens are a difficult time, much like the terrible twos, where children are trying out their independence and seeking parental approval at the same time.
Now
You obviously have strong opinions and I could see a child being intimidated/afraid to be completely open. Again, this might not be the case with your family, but it is families like that which trigger red flags for competent pediatricians.

YOUR right it's definitely not the case in my family. We may not be sniffin pixie dust and huggy snuggly 24/7, but our kids know we love and cherish them no matter what.

Furthermore, intimidation isn't something I need to use in order for my son or daughter to know I mean what I say. Maybe to you that's harsh but I don't mince words probably due to me not being a FLUFFY type person.
Again you talk about your red flags peaking, well I say if more doctors used common sense and stop thinking they know any and everything many medical mistakes could be advoided.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

Not my red flags... I'm not a doctor.

I honestly just don't understand what scares you such that you refuse to let your daughter have a private conversation with a doctor. You expressed interest in knowing what the doctor would say-- does that mean you go to school with your DD and hear everything a teacher might say?

All I'm asking is for you to see the benefits that are provided to some teens when a medical professional gives them an opportunity to share/ask/etc. in private.

If you can't see those benefits... I don't know what to say.

Best wishes to you and your family and this is the important part of your post IMO:

"our kids know we love and cherish them no matter what"

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
Not my red flags... I'm not a doctor.

I honestly just don't understand what scares you such that you refuse to let your daughter have a private conversation with a doctor. You expressed interest in knowing what the doctor would say-- does that mean you go to school with your DD and hear everything a teacher might say?

All I'm asking is for you to see the benefits that are provided to some teens when a medical professional gives them an opportunity to share/ask/etc. in private.

If you can't see those benefits... I don't know what to say.

Best wishes to you and your family and this is the important part of your post IMO:

"our kids know we love and cherish them no matter what"

I honestly don't understand why you keep trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe it's not for you to understand why I do what I do. Whatever works for me is obviously not for you. Do I have a problem with what you do in your household NO!

No offense, but really unless you know me which YOU don't or my daughter which YOU don't YOU HAVE NO CLUE! As long as my daughter doesn't have a problem with me sitting in and neither does the pediatrician that's all that matters.

 

[adamak]

Yes, it is unrealistic. I have seen so many people got married when they're 18, just to "get it on". Now they're all divorced. Or merely hanging on.

If kids can have the discipline, great. But to me, it's more important to teach them birth control. And to not have sex until they're with a person long enough to be sure. And both.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

Originally posted by Pongo69
GAG ORDER please you show me a teen not running their mouth and I'll show you a flying donkey.

Seriously my daughter and I have an open book relationship. She can talk to me about any and everything. I know she talks to her friends about stuff which is a part of being a teen.

Regardless of the friends she knows I'm there to listen. Even if she has to wake me up to talk, I'm listening and will not pass judgement of her choices.

Maybe not to some, but I must be doing something right for her friends to bypass their mothers to talk to me about what's going on in their lives.

That's awsome and wonderful that you're able to guide your daughters friends, but just so you realize, I was the one lots of MY daughters friends came to as well (girlfriends AND male friends) and while they might have been mature enough to listen to advice or information that I gave them, my OWN child was not.

As far as the original question I don't think it's unrealistic to expect all sorts of things from our children, I mean expecting certain things is what helps them learn discipline and such....but I'd say don't be too surprised when they didn't abide by those expectations.

 

[AmyA]

I think it can be realistic to tell your kids that you expect them to be abstinent. What is not in any way, shape, or form realistic is to expect that just because "you said so" means that your kids are going to abide by your wishes. Teens are their own people----and it all depends on the child.

I started dating my HS boyfriend when I was 14 and he was 15. All my parents could say was, "Don't you even think of having sex with him! These relationships never last! He, like every other teenage boy, just wants to see how far you'll go. He'll think you're a slut and you'll end up pregnant. Don't you come to us looking for birth control either, and if you do get pregnant, you are ON YOUR OWN!"

Well, fast forward 3 years: I am 17 and my boyfriend is 18 and out of HS. At that point, we, as a couple, decided that we were ready to have sex. Fortunately, I grew up in a suburb of Portland, Oregon that, at least in the early 90s, was very progressive. We started getting BC education---a detailed education---in 7th grade and it was part of every school year from then on. We both knew the importance of and the actual logistics of protecting ourselves.

Fast forward 13 more years: my HS boyfriend and I have been married for almost 11 years. We have 2 great girls (8 and 3), 2 good careers, 2 cars, and one mortgage . We have never, ever, for one second regretted having sex when we did. I didn't feel like a slut, he didn't knock me up and leave me, and word didn't get around my HS that I was easy. We were older than some, younger than others but that is what worked for us.

I think the most important thing to tell teens is (after giving them GOOD bc education, of course-- and if you just can't do that ask their pediatrician to do it--believe me, the ped will be MORE than glad to give them all the info they need and answer all their questions) that it is one of the most important decisions that they'll ever make. Like any important decision, a lot of thought should go into it and it should not be influenced by their peers, alcohol, the media, etc. But that ultimately it is their decision to make---no matter what Mom and Dad's expectations are.

 

[NHAnn]

Originally posted by Pongo69
No offense, but really unless you know me which YOU don't or my daughter which YOU don't YOU HAVE NO CLUE! As long as my daughter doesn't have a problem with me sitting in and neither does the pediatrician that's all that matters.

... no offense intended here either, but that sounds a bit on the defensive side. You talk about trust and open communication with your DD and her friends, and not passing judgement on "her" choices, but what "choices" does she have if she can't even have a private conversation with her doctor?
Just throwing that out as a rhetorical question, it's certainly not my business....I'm just really taken aback by the tone your responses have taken coupled with the several crude (IMHO) references to not wanting your daughter to "spread her legs"
perhaps I sniff too much PD

As to the original question posted.....as others have stated, I don't think it's unrealistic to HAVE expectations, and communicate your value system, and set standards and limits, and enforce appropriate consequences accordingly....but I do think it's unrealistic to expect complete agreement and compliance from some teens.

 

[Pongo69]

That's awsome and wonderful that you're able to guide your daughters friends, but just so you realize, I was the one lots of MY daughters friends came to as well (girlfriends AND male friends) and while they might have been mature enough to listen to advice or information that I gave them, my OWN child was not.
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Let me clarify something, I didn't mean I "guide" my daughter's friends. They have parents for that, but unfortunately their parents are to busy traveling and enjoying life. They the parents actually feel that since their children are teens they should be left to make whatever decision they want. Some might not agree, but sometimes a child can grow up to fast.

Last year my daughter had to brind home the battery operated baby for the weekend. Just so happen it was the weekend her friend had a huge party. Yes she was going to attend, but when the assignment was dropped on her to take care of the baby for the weekend she had to stay home.
Forgive me for saying this, but for her it was an hell of an experience. She cried, complained and begged for dh and I to take care the baby until she returned. We said NO! That baby is your responsibility not ours.

Not only did she miss the party but the whole weekend she was devoted to taking care of her assignment. When the baby cried in the middle of the night I made her get up to do what she had to do. When the babie needed to be fed she had to get up. She hated it and complained every second saying it wasn't fair but like I told her this is only an assignment. Just think if you really had to take care or a real live infant day in and day out.

She couldn't wait for monday to get here.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by NHAnn
... no offense intended here either, but that sounds a bit on the defensive side. You talk about trust and open communication with your DD and her friends, and not passing judgement on "her" choices, but what "choices" does she have if she can't even have a private conversation with her doctor?
Just throwing that out as a rhetorical question, it's certainly not my business....I'm just really taken aback by the tone your responses have taken coupled with the several crude (IMHO) references to not wanting your daughter to "spread her legs"
perhaps I sniff too much PD


The funny thing is this bothers some of you wayyy more than it did her and the pediatrician.
Raise yours like you want to and I'll do as I please with mine

 

[my3princes]

This is certainly a tough issue. It is also a personal choice. My parents did not want me to engage in teenage sex and other than insisting that it never happen they avoided the subject completely. I didn't date until I was a senior in HS and at the age of 17 I felt ready to engage in a sexual relationship. None of my close friends were having sex so there was no peer pressure, but I truely felt that I was in love and that it was the next step in our relationship. My bf did not pressure me either. I just knew that it was right. That bf is now my husband of nearly 12 years. We have 3 wonderful children and are as much in love now as we were way back then. We dated for 5 years before marriage and sex was, and still is, an important part of our relationship. We used protection from day one and never had an accident. As an adult with preteen sons I know that the time will come when they have to make a decision. They have had the making a baby process explained to them from a young age as they were 5 and 7 when we became pregnant with our third son. I always give them accurate info and never breach a subject that they are interested in. Sexual compatiblity is a very important part of adult relationships. I strongly feel that all couples should engage in sex prior to marriage. It could certainly help decrease the divorce rate. We all have different needs and desires and should make sure that a partner can meet these needs. While I feel blessed that I met my soulmate at a young age I know that realisticly my sons will have several meaningful relationships before settling down. I am not condoning young teens having sex, but by 16 or 17 I expect that it will happen. My dh and I lived together before marriage. My parents were less than enthused with this, but it was my decision not theirs. My children are aware that we lived together before marriage (although we were married 3 years before our first was born). I would be a hypocrit if I expected more out of my children than I expected of myself. As a side note: I was able to go to planned parenthood and be put on birth control without my parents knowledge. I'd be willing to bet that some of your daughters have done the same thing and not told you about it. My parents (very strict and thought they knew where I was at all times) were shocked when they found out. What you don't know won't hurt you.

 

[septbride2002]

I'm glad you daughter was accepting of your decision.

I would of told my Mom to get out, and I was very very open with my Mom. But there were questions I wanted to ask without my mother present. Things that had nothing to do with sex and more with development.

My brother did the same assignment with the baby. He enjoyed it but the rest of us could have done without it screaming in the night

~Amanda

 

[janette]

I don't have teens yet (at least for another 3 months). I agree with everyone that says not an unrealistic expectation but make srue they are educated and know that you will be behind them whatever decision they make.

I have 4 sisters who are grandmothers, all of them were pretty set on abstinence. I'm not sure how much they talked to their teens about other options besides abstinence but all of their first grandchildren were the result of teen sex. One of them was so set on telling his mom that they werent' having sex that it was only after his DD was born and obviously not a premmie that he fessed up and admitted that she was pregnant when they got married.

I want my girls to have the information and know that although I would very much prefer and expect them not to be sexually active but if they decide to make that decision it will be something they don't have to hide from me.

 

[ripleysmom]

I would love to know how many "virgins" of DIS parents have had oral sex with their bf/gf.

Parents who do not teach their children about how to have safe sex (and that includes oral sex) are kidding themselves.

 

[deirdrefitch]

This subject is hard to discuss because there are so many diff levels and issues that arrise. Religious beliefs, moral beliefs, health issues, legal issues, etc. I have two teenage sons, one is 19, and the other is 15. They went through the classes at school.
The beginning class was for parents and students, with the remaining classes being for the students only. I read the book which covered more than I could have ever thought of to discuss with them. I too preach abstinence, as my parents did to me.
The difference is that although I do expect this from both boys, I do understand that they are human beings capable of forming their own ideas, and making their own mistakes. I don't supply condoms, but I have told them that if they do have sex, to please use protection. With the STDS, pregnancy, and poss of paying child support before they can even support themselves, I can't afford to say MY CHILD WON'T. If they do decide to have sex, I am almost 100% sure they are not going to come and tell me about it. I can not monitor them 24 hours a day, and would not want to put them or me though that. I do know that they are properly educated in both aspects to be responsible for themselves and their actions. Loads of faith, never ending prayer,
and leave it in the Lord's Hands.
Just my opinion.

 

[NHAnn]

Originally posted by Pongo69

Raise yours like you want to and I'll do as I please with mine

Doesn't that go without saying? I didn't see anyone telling anyone else how to raise their kids......people were responding to a general question by the orginal poster, which seemed to trigger some "sore spots" for you, as you said yourself. You reacted and responded, multiple times. Others responded to you.
Whatever.
Have a great night, and best of luck with your daughter

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by NHAnn
Originally posted by Pongo69 Doesn't that go without saying? I didn't see anyone telling anyone else how to raise their kids......people were responding to a general question by the orginal poster, which seemed to trigger some "sore spots" for you, as you said yourself. You reacted and responded, multiple times. Others responded to you.
Whatever.
Have a great night, and best of luck with your daughter

Sore spot don't think so! Anyway best of luck to you also with pixie dust swirlies and fluffy stuff

 

[NHAnn]

Originally posted by Pongo69
Didn't mean to get off topic, but this is really a sore spot with me.

 

[UncleKyle]

I can think of 3 girls right now off the top of my head that I'm friends with who have "parent issues". It seems they grew up in small town mayberry (which I did too) and their parents kept a close eye on them, gave them little privacy, no boys in the house, no dating till 17 or 18, no sleeping over at friends houses. (I'm generalizing here) And now these girls are having serious parent issues, they don't want to go home for the weekend because why go home when you still have a curfew and can't party?

They can stay here in this college town and drink till they drop, sleep at a boys house and mommy and daddy won't know any better. I have one friend who hasn't been home since Easter because her parents try to control her and make her live by the image they want. And she lost her virginity the first month of college! Why? Because mom and dad kept her so close and try to impress upon her to live a certain way instead of giving her a little room to make decisions. I could go on and on about these friends. They are classic cases of parent sheltering and denial. None of them were prepared for life outside of Mommy and Daddy's house.

My mom says often thats she so thankful that I don't have some girl pregnant, that I haven't gotten a DUI (like every roomate and friend I have has), and that I don't have a drug problem. They raised me to make the right decisions and the wrong ones as well, it's how you learn. They know I lost my virginity at a young age and they accept that. They didn't approve but they didn't leature either. They educated and responded in a way that when I look back upon it now, I'm proud they are my parents. I've been responsible about my choices and I'm thankful for their guidance. If I hadn't had it, I'd probably end up like some of my crazy friends.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by NHAnn

My goodness I was referring to parents who let their kids grow up to fast.

My daughter didn't have a problem with it so why not myob

BTW, when I remove the shackles and let her out of the basement I just might let her read this thread. Although it might have to wait until after I give her a good beating for exposing to much of her ankle.
She really ticked me off asking for a free upgrade to the attic where I keep all the mildewed towel animal I stole from BC and AKL last year. The nerve of her thinking she should get an upgrade just because I forgot to leave her a half bar of soap.
Oh the Shame

 

[ead79]

I absolutely think it is possible to expect your teen not to have premarital sex. I did not engage in that activity until my wedding night (I was 24 when I got married, and still am LOL) and neither did my husband. When I was young, my parents taught me that sex is only to be between a husband and wife based on the Bible (I will find the passages later and post them if I can - I believe someone asked about the verses that back that up). As I grew older, I adopted those standards for myself and made my decision to abstain from intercourse until my wedding night. I dated my now DH for 6 years and we did not have intercourse, so it CAN be done. I think the key is to teach your child about abstinence and then for the child to take on the beliefs as their own. I will try to raise my kids, when I have them, with the same ethics as I was raised with, and I pray that they will accept Jesus as their personal Savior and make those religious beliefs their own as well.