Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

[RitaZ.]

What's your opinion?

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Not at all. The first time I "did the deed" was on my wedding night. The only trouble is that I was just 19. Premarital sex is against my religion, so I just got married sooner! The marriage only lasted 4 years.

Anyway, I've gone OT yet again. I don't think it's unrealistic at all. I wasn't allowed to date until I graduated High School. And I didn't. Some kids actually listen to their parents. Imagine that! Of course, I can't say the same about my sister and brother....but that's another story.

 

[4cruisin]

No, it is not unrealistic. I think morals such as abstinence, no drugs, no drinking etc need to be instilled from a very early age. You cannot just start dealing with those issues when the child hits 15 or 16. They need to know from a reasonable age what it acceptable and what the consequences will be if they disobey their parents rules. I also think the parents need to set an example. You cannot bring home "uncle daddy or auntie mommy" every other week, drink like a fish til you puke and do drugs and expect the kid not to follow in the same footsteps.

JMHO

 

[jrydberg]

Nope. I don't think it is. My parents expected it of me and I did. Not because I couldn't "get away" with it, but because I knew they'd be disappointed.

It's not a matter of what you do as a parent when they're 16... it's what you do as a parent for 16 years leading up to that point.

 

[Cruisin]

gosh, that is a hard one to answer

I think that I would LIKE my teenagers to practice abstinence but I am also realistic and know that there is a good chance that they won't make it out of their teenage years without experiencing sex.

How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

I guess a lot has to do with the ages of the teenagers we are talking about.

 

[Tiggeroo]

No it's not. I expect it from my kids and so far I believe I've been respected on this. But I'm not stupid. I tell my kids this is what I expect. But if you are not going to do what I think is right at least don't be stupid. Si I"m making sure they are well versed in bc. I just scheduled an obgyn appt. for my 19yo college dd. I believe her when she tells me her and bf haven't crossed that line yet. But I want her to know she has a safe place to go for advice and to get bc if she decides that is what she wants. Now I have twin 16yo boys who are very popular with the girls. They are currently giving me more worries in this field then my dd ever did. I just tole them yesterday that you don't want your game plan to be quit school, manage a burger joint and live in my basement with your 17yo wife and baby.

 

[jeleebeene]

I don't think it is unrealistic at all. I wish more teenagers refrained from sex - they are not mentally ready for that and really is something that should be shared with someone you are in love with....they just don't get that it can change your life in more than one way.

 

[Hillbeans]

I don't think so, and I made it through my teen years without "doing the deed" either (but not much after )

My boyfriend at the time was a Sr. in High School and I was a freshman in college and we dated a year. We wanted to do it all the time, but we were both from fairly religious families and just always felt something bad would happen to us if we did. My Boyfriend even spoke to the priest about it (LOL, he was an altar boy) and the priest even commented on how tough it is to abstain. We never did do it, and sometimes I feel that it was probably for the best, however we still found ways to show the other how we felt about them.

One thing I can say though is that my mom, god rest her soul, never ever once talked to me about BC and she really should have. I was, at times, thisclose.

 

[Robinrs]

I think that's a hard call. While I did I don't know many who do. I consider myself the exception, not the rule. And that was in the 70s when EVERYBODY was doing it!

I think all people are different. Some people are just BORN hot! My Mom told me that my sister was boy crazy from day one. I wasn't, it just wasn't my nature. Unfortunately, it IS my son's nature. He's been girl crazy since Day one! He's only 11 and I've discussed precautions and responsibilty with him already. No major details but he's already going thru pre puberty so it pays to get that communication open NOW.

In short I think it depends on the child. Whichever, the lines of communication should be open for all types of children.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
No, it is not unrealistic. I think morals such as abstinence, no drugs, no drinking etc need to be instilled from a very early age. You cannot just start dealing with those issues when the child hits 15 or 16. They need to know from a reasonable age what it acceptable and what the consequences will be if they disobey their parents rules. I also think the parents need to set an example. You cannot bring home "uncle daddy or auntie mommy" every other week, drink like a fish til you puke and do drugs and expect the kid not to follow in the same footsteps.

JMHO

I completely agree.


A couple of days ago, I was having a discussion w/my son (16) who has a girlfriend, and they're very interested in each other right now, so we've been having a lot of what's acceptable/not acceptable, etc., and I told him that some people advised me that I should give him the stuff so he could be prepared (I don't want to go into details on a family board), and he replied, "Okay, Mom. That's like telling me it's okay to go do it."

So, I still stand that the best protection is abstinence. I also practice what I preach, so there's no double standards to further confuse my kids.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Of course it's no unrealistic. I'm 25 and when I was in jr high and high school, my friends and I were all virigins. Interstingly enough we were also the very popular people (I don't know if that has anything to do with it) but we came from a small town and everything always got around about whom was doing whom (sorry to be tacky) and sometimes it got to the parents too.

My mama was always upfront and honest about sex and preg and STDs. She made me see what it was like to be 16 and have kids. The cost and the sacrifices and the harships is heartbreaking to see.

Interstingly enough, I saw the other day, I think Oprah, about how people are always telling girls not to have sex because of fear of getting preg but they don't talk to girls about how emotional it can get. The attachement that can come from sharing your body with someone. Many girls aren't ever told about that or that you don't have to be sexual to be loved. I think if more girls understood how emotional it can be to have an intimiate relationship and really loved themselves then it wouldn't be such an issue today.

Good luck,
Tina

 

[wvrevy]

Well, I'm gonna go against the grain of this thread and say yes, it is completely unrealistic to expect it. We are living in the 21st century here, not 1950, and kids are exposed to the idea of sex from a much earlier age. To blithely believe that they are "not gonna do it" just because you expect them not to is just not paying attention to reality. Biologically, they ARE ready to have sex, even if their mental readiness is far from certain. I believe that the best you can do is talk to them about it, tell them what you want, and explain to them that you've been in their shoes and you know, from experience, that they're better off waiting a while. Will it help ? Probably not. But getting the lines of communication open will help a great deal, and might lead to them keeping you involved rather than hiding it for fear they'll "let you down".

JMO...and I just want to make clear that I am not in favor of teens having sex...I just think it's unrealistic to "expect" that your teen is going to be different from the millions who do...

 

[Christine]

I think it is unrealistic. That doesn't mean that I think they are all out there "doing it." I agree with RobinRS, a lot of it has to do with the kid's personality.

I am embarrassed to say that I did not abstain as a teenager. I am lucky that nothing happened to me that was bad. But I came from a very good home, my mom was a virgin when she got married, didn't smoke or drink, didn't have boyfriends over, etc. She was appropriately strict with me, but not over the top. We had a great relationship and everything was as it should be. But I still did it. And it had absolutely no bearing on what my parents did or did not do. My best friend, on the other hand, came from an unstable home. Her mom was never there, was married three times, had various boyfriends come to the house, partied all the time. My best friend didn't have sex until she was ready to marry the guy. She said she just never felt that pressed to do it and she felt that her hormones were not really "raging."

So, I think that parents should expect that it might happen. It doesn't mean you don't trust your teens, it just means that you are aware that the possibility exists, no matter how "good" they are.

 

[RitaZ.]

Wow, I'm really surprised! I really expected to hear that it is unrealistic for parents have those expectations. BTW, I'm thinking about 17 yr. olds and older.

One thing I can say though is that my mom, god rest her soul, never ever once talked to me about BC and she really should have.

My mom never had any kind of "talk" with me about any of those issues. I learned about menstruation from my grandmother, she was very open about all those things. The one thing that my mom made clear was to wait until marriage. Most of the misinformation that I learned was from my friends, who were just as clueless as I was.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I don't think you can assume they are not going to be sexually active, but I do know many who have chosen to abstain for the time being. I can't imagine all that baggage at that age, but it happens! I, of course, hope my boys make that choice.

Michelle

 

[caitycaity]

i don't think you can say it's unrealistic or realistic across the board. for some kids, it's probably unrealistic, for other it's probably a more realistic expectation.

 

[disykat]

I don't think it's unrealistic to EXPECT it - I do think it's unrealistic to ASSUME that they abstain. My parents expected us to abstain and we did - they made sure we had the appropriate information though in case we didn't though. We all made it into young adulthood as virgins. I waited for marriage.

I think it's a very different issue to EXPECT certain behavior vs. being realistic about what could happen. Children don't always stick to your expectations, that doesn't mean you should change your standards IMO. My children know we don't believe in premarital sex. I will counsel them as to the reasons, but will also make sure they have safety info in case they choose differently. The same as any other parenting issue - I can set up the expectations and provide guidence and supervision accordingly, but ultimately, when I'm not there, they choose their own behaviors.

***OOPS - I had to edit. I had left out the UN! I don't think it's UNrealistic.

 

[katerkat]

Originally posted by caitycaity
i don't think you can say it's unrealistic or realistic across the board. for some kids, it's probably unrealistic, for other it's probably a more realistic expectation.

Ditto. It really depends on YOUR kids. And from kid to kid - my sisters and I all have very different views on it!

Now, my kids will both abstain, but that's only because I had them neutered.



(They're cats, before anyone freaks out!!)

 

[totalia]

Though I think sex before for marriage is ok, teenagers shouldn't be having sex. A teenager is not ready to handle the responsibilities that go along with it and is likely not mature enough to have really considered the consequences.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes
How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

I can, my (now) husband did, and I would expect our kids to do the same.