Is it too easy to get divorced?

[rigs32]

By the time the wedding rolled around, I was actually quite concerned, but the WEDDING had taken on this life of it's own and became something of a runaway freight train that I felt I couldn't stop. I was stupid. I also thought things would be better once we were married.

How's that for stupid?

I'm right there with you. At 23, I believed everyone who told me that stress was causing certain issues and things would settle out. Nope. Never happened. So I left. I tried for years.

Some might think my reasons weren't "good enough" and a tougher divorce standard (whatever that might mean) might have left me trapped. But I wasn't going to live the rest of my life with almost zero physical intimacy.

No relationship can fulfill all your needs. The trick, I think, it to know which needs you can fulfill with friends and family and which you need your spouse to fulfill. There are some things you can't go outside the marriage to get. Others you can.

 

[Jeanne B]

I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

This was exactly me...my ex-DH and I split last March (a few weeks after my 40th birthday) after almost 20 years together and I've never regretted it once...the divorce itself was difficult but without I doubt I knew it was the right thing and I've felt the best I've felt in 15+ years. We'd done counceling in the past, there were affairs in the past (by him), a few splits over the years, drinking on his part, just a lot of dysfunction and we were really nothing more than roommates who didn't get along but in public we were always fine around each other so most people would have never suspected...but I was holding it together for DD16's sake which looking back on it now, was the absolute wrong reason. When all the college brochures started coming in the mail in the months prior to me ending things that's when I really started considering my happiness for the first time, all I could think about was that in 2 years my only child was going to be off to college and I was going to be alone with a man who I had no desire to be with, sounds harsh, but it was the truth. What saddens me more though is that keeping the marriage together for our DD's sake meant that she grew up not seeing what a loving marriage really is.

 

[AlleyKat]

Yes, marriage is WAY to easy and divorce is WAY to hard (and expensive--why???).

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who just throw in the towel at the least little thing. I actually think they are the minority because divorcing with children and assets involved is a bit harder than staying together I think.

And, no, at 40 people don't lose their minds, they get one! I am 46 years old and, at this point of my life, I've never been so sure of what I like and what I want out of life than I ever have been. I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

Amen!

 

[Aisling]

or maybe the spouse who initiates the divorce is a fantastic actor who shows his/her spouse how happy they are, how in love they are, but who is really feeling/thinking different things. .

This is what my sister did for 23 years, and now she filed for divorce. She never told her husband that she realized shortly after they got married that she wasn't in love with him. Over the years she had 3 kids with him, pretended everything was wonderful, treated him very well, and then the day after her 45th birthday she "had a talk with him" that she wanted a divorce. The poor guy was and is in shock. She should have had that talk with him 23 years ago.

(She lost 60 lbs, had a tummy tuck and breast implants last year, and I think that's what helped her make her decision finally.)

 

[sasywtch]

I have a good friend going through this right now at the age of 50, having been married 30 years. We've discussed reasons in depth lately. His wife is aware of his unhappiness but chooses to ignore or pretend it will go away.
Read something the other day that made absolute sense. Opposites don't always attract if it's one of the major items in a relationship. Money, goals, values, children (having or rearing), where to live. In the article it said those are the items you either must have in common or come to a compromise that one will not resent later. Even the compromise and what you may thing you won't resent later, it's possible you will. The "oks" to be opposite and a benefit may be in personality, motivation, hobbies. Whereas one is shy, the other may be social and teach the other to break out of their shell, one person may not be motivated, whereas the other person is driven. The driven person can help to motivate the other to become the best they can be.

People also grow and change from their childhood upbringing and the other spouse may be unwilling to grow or change or accept the change. This is what is happening to my friend. He was brought up with an abusive dad. His self esteem was low in school. Met his future wife who depended on him for everything. It was an answer for him, the white knight to save the day. 30 years later, the self esteem is better and he's tired of the white knight role. Is it fair of him to change the rules after all these years? Not really but when you sit your spouse down numerous times to say, I need more and they don't listen, there's a problem. Not to make him look shallow but he has Parkinsons now and needs to retire. She quit (well retired at 50 because she was tired of working). They have bills and he's asked and asked her to go back to work for 2 years to help pay off bills so if he can't work next year, he doesn't stress (Parkinsons you can never tell, stress over bills, etc is not good for Parkinsons). Her answer? My back hurts, my eyes are bad......
If you asked their friends, they would have no idea anything was wrong in their marriage. It can be a mirage of things that may make someone divorce in their 40's or 50's. One should compliment the other, not deter or inhibit growth.

 

[Experiment_626]

Every spouse that I know that has been completely shocked, has been the only one to be shocked by the news.

Well, that's because you haven't met me. My first wife shocked me, my friends, her friends since childhood, her parents, her brother, my family -- pretty much anyone and everyone who had known her a long time. She turned her back on everyone except a handful of people she had known only a few months.

And yes, a divorce is too easy to get. When one person can decide the fate of a marriage and the other is powerless to do anything to stop it, it is too easy to obtain -- and yes, I know things are as they are because it used to be too hard to get one. Now, it is the opposite.

Not to say that divorce is easy on those involved. It should be hard on us. I, personally, was completely blindsided. Everything was okay, best I and anyone else could tell, right up to the day it wasn't. Two days later she was gone. To say I was heartbroken isn't strong enough. I was shattered. And it took me a long time to pick up the pieces. For months, I'd break down and sob like a baby every two or three days.

Far too many people think love is a feeling, something that happens to you that you are powerless to control. If you think that it just comes out of the ether and hits you on some cosmic whim, no wonder you might think the marriage is over, love lost, if you aren't feeling that way for a while. If it came on a whim you couldn't control, then obviously it could leave the same way.

Love isn't a feeling, though feelings usually accompany it. Love is an act of will -- it is a thing you do and you can choose to continue doing it. It is commitment. Most of us recite vows when we get married. They are called wedding vows, not wedding wishes. The vows are there for the times when things are hard, not for when everything is roses and blushing and holding hands. The vows aren't really all that critical during the good times. Honor your vows during the hard times. The feelings will usually return. You're not always joyous or angry or annoyed, but you can count on feeling all those again in your life. Why would the feelings we associate with love be any different? Feelings are fleeting but recurring. Commitment is (supposed to be) permanent, but when it isn't, it is because one or both people have chosen to stop.

 

[JoShan1719]

I feel like people my age (early 20's) go into marriage too quick. Saying this makes me a hipocrit of sorts because I'm married. But I didn't go into it thinking things are going to be peachy all the time, and we lived together for four years before actually marrying. I know we may run into financial troubles, lose that "feeling" and any other number of things, but that is what I agreed to. Someday, we may get divorced, and I would hope it wouldn't be without a fight. But I think most people my age think everything is going to be great and that the biggest problem is going to be what to have for dinner. MTV used to have this show called "Engaged and Underage" and it showed all these kids my age getting married. Out of the six episodes I watched only one struck me as genuine. The other five argued constantly about important issues that didn't seem to get solved, had histories of being "on again, off again" couples who never really tackled their problems, had no respect for each other... the list goes on. I agree with the pp who pointed out that we are a "throw it away" society. When we're tired of something, we get rid of it and get a new one.

*This is not everyone! Sometimes people really do run into issues that require ending a marriage. Divorce can be a good thing. I also know the actual act of getting divorced isn't easy... it took my mother a year to divorce my father. I just think some people jump to that conclusion too fast sometimes.

 

[phragmipedium]

By the time the wedding rolled around, I was actually quite concerned, but the WEDDING had taken on this life of it's own and became something of a runaway freight train that I felt I couldn't stop. I was stupid. I also thought things would be better once we were married.
.

I think this is quite common.

One of the best but hardest things I've ever done was end an engagement two weeks before the wedding. I ignored all of the warning signs in my heart and mind for a very long time, because I didn't want to hurt feelings and disappoint our families. I was doing what was expected of me. I was planning my divorce before I was even married. The closer it got, the more panicked I became.

If I hadn't met my now-DH around this time, someone I thought could actually be the right person for me, I may still have gone through with it. Now-DH had no idea I was unhappy in my relationship (no one did) but the potential of finding someone like him, if not him, was the catalyst in my calling things off and ending something I should have gotten out of long before. I realized my then-fiancee and I each deserved someone who would be right for us and make each other happy, and that even though it would be terrible to cause that pain to him and our families, it would be much worse if I allowed things to continue.

I am so thankful I didn't go through with that first marriage, because I know I would be divorced or extremely unhappy as I was not in love with my fiancee. It was very, very difficult to end the relationship though - so no, I don't think it's too easy to get divorced. I'm thankful it's there for people who need it because honestly, it is very easy to get married and a lot of people who do get married are not right for each other. Life is too short to be that unhappy when you do not have to be. Whether you realize it before the marriage and get out or end up going through with it and realize later there's something wrong, sometimes all of the counseling in the world cannot help two people who are not meant to be together. And my former fiancee was not abusive in any way - he was a nice person and I still think kindly of him and wish him the best. You don't just marry someone or stay with someone because they are a nice person, though.

That's not to say there aren't some people who give up - but I believe that happens for a reason. If it's that easy to walk away, then those two people probably aren't supposed to be together. I think it's the ones who have had difficult times and perservered that really are meant to be, and the fact that they were able to make it through those times shows that. IMO that doesn't mean the divorcees are weak and the still-marrieds are strong - it just means that every situation is unique; some people have something worth saving and some don't.

 

[Mermaid02]

It's not about the ease or difficulty of divorce . . . or about marriage.

It's about EXPECTATIONS within the marriage. All too many people have unrealistic expectations: They expect that marriage'll be easy, they'll never have any problems that can't be resolved quickly and easily. Whether it's a conscious thought or not, too many people tend to think of their real problems like something on a sit-com or a movie, something that can be resolved in a couple hours. Or people think that if their partner doesn't make them giddy all the time, something is wrong. They don't "get" that they have to go through ups and downs, difficult patches, and they just give up as if marriage is something disposable.

Is that everyone? Of course not, but it does cover a whole lot of situations.

This is what I'm talking about- I think when middle age comes along we all face new issues. Health issues, weight issues (where did THAT come from??), gray hair, wrinkles etc. I think this can have a real impact on some peoples psyches and they go a little nutso. Folks look in the mirror and almost don't recognize themselves- their spouse doesn't give them that giddy, heart palpitation feeling they did early on and they want that again- they want to feel 25 again- they want a "do over". Of course this isn't everyone- but around here SO many folks this age are splitting up...

 

[mtemm]

Well, that's because you haven't met me. My first wife shocked me, my friends, her friends since childhood, her parents, her brother, my family -- pretty much anyone and everyone who had known her a long time. She turned her back on everyone except a handful of people she had known only a few months.

That was my experience as well. In fact, my dh's own mother thought he had to have a brain tumor, his personality did such a 180. She was terrified he was dying!

 

[castleview]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

MTE. We know of five couples going through a divorce right now. Some want to try something new. Some feel buried by finances (who doesn't BTW and why is divorce going to make that easier?) One just wants to live the life he should have lived fifteen years ago, but instead he married right out of school and had five kids.

Yes, people give up too easily and some people should have never gotten married in the first place. But forcing people to stay in an unhappy marriage is just as detrimental as a divorce - sometimes worse.

 

[Jennasis]

This is one of those subjects that gets me (as evidenced by my multiple posts). I just don't feel like those who've never been through either a divorce or survived the kind of things that normally lead to divorce (like my parents managed to do) have any business commenting on how easy an "out" divorce is. In the end, for me, I had every reason to file for divorce and it STILL killed me to do it.

You know why? I was worried about the whispering behind my back. The judgments by friends, family, and strangers. "Oh look at her. Only married seven months and just giving up." Nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors.


Also, why does anyone care what other couples do?

 

[Acklander]

Most of us recite vows when we get married. They are called wedding vows, not wedding wishes. The vows are there for the times when things are hard, not for when everything is roses and blushing and holding hands. The vows aren't really all that critical during the good times. Honor your vows during the hard times. The feelings will usually return. You're not always joyous or angry or annoyed, but you can count on feeling all those again in your life. Why would the feelings we associate with love be any different? Feelings are fleeting but recurring. Commitment is (supposed to be) permanent, but when it isn't, it is because one or both people have chosen to stop.

I think the problem is the vows. Too many people get a false sense of security with the vows, and stop trying. I knew this one woman who was a real witch to her husband, always moaning and complaining, nothing he did was ever good enough and she made sure he knew it. Eventually he bailed and filed for divorce. She spent so much time focused on the fact that he had broken his vows of till death do you part. And having to be there for the good times AND the bad times. She didn't see that for him, it had turned into just bad times, and he hadn't seen good times in years. She thought because he was an honorable person who had made a promise that he should stick through that no matter how horrible she was. That's just wrong.

 

[sunnyday123]

This is one of those subjects that gets me (as evidenced by my multiple posts). I just don't feel like those who've never been through either a divorce or survived the kind of things that normally lead to divorce (like my parents managed to do) have any business commenting on how easy an "out" divorce is. In the end, for me, I had every reason to file for divorce and it STILL killed me to do it.

You know why? I was worried about the whispering behind my back. The judgments by friends, family, and strangers. "Oh look at her. Only married seven months and just giving up." Nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors.


Also, why does anyone care what other couples do?

After going through my divorce, and encountering the very people you were worried about, the only conclusion I can come to is the ones that talked the loudest and most were the ones secretly not happy in their own marriage. I have found I know more people who are absolutely misreable being married, and not doing anything about it, than people who are getting/already are divorced.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think the problem is the vows. Too many people get a false sense of security with the vows, and stop trying. I knew this one woman who was a real witch to her husband, always moaning and complaining, nothing he did was ever good enough and she made sure he knew it. Eventually he bailed and filed for divorce. She spent so much time focused on the fact that he had broken his vows of till death do you part. And having to be there for the good times AND the bad times. She didn't see that for him, it had turned into just bad times, and he hadn't seen good times in years. She thought because he was an honorable person who had made a promise that he should stick through that no matter how horrible she was. That's just wrong.

My brother's marriage was like that.

His ex-wife's family was top priority for her and he had to accept it. They were supporting her able-bodied parents (didn't want to work) and bailing out her siblings whenever they ran into "emergencies", which was often. There was no equity in the marriage. A marriage without equity won't work. When you're giving so much and the other person is doing the taking, resentment sets in. He got tired of being treated like dirt and filed for divorce after 7 yrs. He later told me that he knew, within 6 months of getting married,that the marriage wasn't going to work. He had hoped it would get better with time. It didn't. It became an unbearable situation. Thankfully, they had no children.

Divorce has its place in society.

 

[Mermaid02]

I didn't start this to slam people who have divorced. Of course some couples are better apart- divorce is sometimes necessary.

 

[ckay87]

This is one of those subjects that gets me (as evidenced by my multiple posts). I just don't feel like those who've never been through either a divorce or survived the kind of things that normally lead to divorce (like my parents managed to do) have any business commenting on how easy an "out" divorce is. In the end, for me, I had every reason to file for divorce and it STILL killed me to do it.

You know why? I was worried about the whispering behind my back. The judgments by friends, family, and strangers. "Oh look at her. Only married seven months and just giving up." Nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors.


Also, why does anyone care what other couples do?

Cool, you just pretty much summed up my feelings on this topic for me. It's threads like these that show just how judgmental people can be.

If you want to know why divorce seems to be more common nowdays, I believe it's because women are no longer entirely dependent upon a man for their survival. Many more woman (most women) can support themselves. To which I say God bless America, it's about time. Why should people stay in an unhappy marriage? And why should you care? I would love to know.

 

[Jennasis]

Yesterday upon hearing of yet another couple of our age was divorcing my brother in law said, "Does everyone lose their mind after 40?" We started talking about all the folks who seem to be walking away to start over. Marriage isn't easy, and it isn't all roses and love notes. There are bills and chores and sometimes monotony. People just seem so quick to run to an attorney now. I'm sure some try, I'm sure some don't. I know a couple who is divorcing and it is tearing them both up- but I know another couple and the husband won't even THINK of couples counseling "how will counseling change the way I feel?"

The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, the neighbors just have different crap for fertilizer.

I appreciate your clarifying that you weren't slamming those who've divorced. I admit, your OP did give me that impression, so let me just counter the parts I had a problem with.

1. You started talking about the people who seemed to be walking away. This brings up my point about my worrying about the whispers of people behind my back AND my point about how you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. What looks like "walking away" to you and your brother could have been weeks, months, or years of agonizing. People have a tremendous gift for putting on a brave public persona...even to immediate family.

2. Quick to run to an attorney?? See above point. Yo have NO IDEA what other couples may have tried before throwing in the towel. My ex in-laws had no idea I dragged ex dh to counseling.

3. And in plenty of instances, the grass IS WAY greener. I don't advocate infidelity at all. I always say if you're unhappy enough to cheat, and you can't fix the marriage, just end the marriage first. But no way should anybody spend the rest of their lives looking at a burnt, lifeless, scorched-earth lawn just because all lawns have rough spots that need tending. And sometimes, The grass isn't greener. Sometimes people realize they didn't want/need a yard in the first place. Sometimes an apartment would have been a better choice.

Once more, I'll say...I am positive there are cases where one or both spouses just realizes they are bored, horny, etc and just toss it all aside. But those cases are absolutely the minority. Divorce sucks. Nobody WANTS to have one.

 

[Acklander]

3. And in plenty of instances, the grass IS WAY greener. I don't advocate infidelity at all. I always say if you're unhappy enough to cheat, and you can't fix the marriage, just end the marriage first. But no way should anybody spend the rest of their lives looking at a burnt, lifeless, scorched-earth lawn just because all lawns have rough spots that need tending. And sometimes, The grass isn't greener. Sometimes people realize they didn't want/need a yard in the first place. Sometimes an apartment would have been a better choice.

O.

See? I always hear people saying this, if you're not happy end the marriage before cheating, but then when you end the marriage before cheating people say they didn't try hard enough, and that you shouldn't end a marriage unless their is cheating or abuse involved. I guess this explains why people do cheat - they see it as the only way out of a bad marriage. guess you can't win.

 

[Jennasis]

See? I always hear people saying this, if you're not happy end the marriage before cheating, but then when you end the marriage before cheating people say they didn't try hard enough, and that you shouldn't end a marriage unless their is cheating or abuse involved. I guess this explains why people do cheat - they see it as the only way out of a bad marriage. guess you can't win.

I don't know what posesses people to think cheating is okay. But I agree with you. You can't win. You just survive.