Is It That Hard To Ask? A Pregnant Vent ;)

[cymbaldiva]

All this thread has done for me is make me miss my ex-MIL....I'll call her in the morning; she's a great lady.

 

[quasar4legs]

Gosh, I'm exhausted just reading this thread.

To AKL_megs,
I am sorry that your early pregnancy has been so tough for you and I hope that you feel better soon.

Relationships with MIL's can be tough and I totally sympathize that you feel disappointed with the lack of offers of help.

Maybe the problem is just a communication glitch so I hope you continue to build your relationship with your MIL despite this 'setback'.
While I'm not a MIL yet, I can see that it can be difficult for them to find their role once their son is married especially if their DIL has a close relationship with her own family.

My MIL is a lovely lady and would do anything I needed..............if I asked. Honestly, she has never been one to offer help but has always been there when things were really tough, but I had to be desperate enough to ask.

I am lucky because my sister and mum both live near me so we have been able to support each other but I do recognize that it is this very support network that probably made my MIL feel that her help was not needed.

Hang in there and take up some of the offers of help from other friends and family and try to get some rest.

Quasar

 

[NMAmy]

You should try reading before you post I mentioned in my OP that he's been awesome.

I can understand the poster's confusion. You've said he was amazing and awesome but he's a grown man. He ought to be able to clean the house and make his own freaking meals if his wife has morning sickness.

I'm not "upset", just hurt. Heck, if she offered to bring a few meals over, I would probably accept, just so my DH had something to eat.

You really have no reason to be pissy about your MIL not offering to help. Your DH ought to be able to pick up the slack.

Listen, I'm happy for you that you're pregnant and I can tell you're really excited from the volume of posts you've made about it in the last few weeks. And I totally hated every minute of being pregnant myself so I understand not feeling well. But when people have real problems and illnesses that they're dealing with, they may not be as sympathetic as you'd like because you have a definite ending to your illness and a happy result at the end. Millions of women have gone through the same thing and if you have a healthy pregnancy with normal symptoms, they're not going to be too sympathetic. It's not forever.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm well aware that I am not dying. I am well aware that my "sickness" isn't life threatening. I'm well aware that my MIL owes me nothing. I wasn't hoping for anything other than a little sympathy from her.

Some of you are very mean spirited. Why can't anyone come on here and vent without bring ripped to pieces? I hope you all feel better now. I have nothing further to say here, I thank you for the kind words, and I feel sad for those who can never find it within themselves to just offer support, but rather instead constantly have to be negative.

 

[KellyWasHere]

OP - I think it's the pregnancy hormones. I was really, really cranky at the beginning of my first pregnancy. And that was before the morning sickness hit.

I would be upset over this situation too, but I consider that a fault of mine, and I'm actively trying to change it.

I hope you feel better soon.

I really do sympathize with you. I was extremely ill during two of my pregnancies. Like you, I couldn't eat, cook,or grocery shop and I lost 10-15-lbs each time. It was all i could do to drag myself to work. When I wasn't working I was sleeping, just to get some relief from the nausea. I had to let a lot of things go, like cleaning toilets, vaccuming, cleaning up dog poo(sure-fire puke producer!) and pretty much anything involving odors. But the nausea passed eventually and the house got cleaned. Nobody died and DH learned a lot about caring for a pregnant woman.

May the morning sickness pass quickly and your pregnancy progress normally.

I was sicker with my second pregnancy and I vividly remember my toddler having a tantrum and my dog eating too fast then puking up his food. My husband was at work and I had to clean it up. That goes right up there with "the things I have survived that have made me stronger".

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you're being a little difficult. That's understandable considering you're not feeling well, but try to cut her some slack. You don't want her to help, but you want her to think you want her to help and ask to help, so that you can tell her you really don't want her to help.

I know it's your first and it's all new to you, but lots of women have been pregnant and sick and still worked and taken care of kids and their houses. Your MIL knows this, it probably hasn't occured to her that you need someone to clean your house. If you really do want her help, don't play games and expect her to read your mind, just ask her. It will save you and her hurt feelings.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

This is the perfect answer for this thread--with no history clouding the answer.

I'm not "upset", just hurt. Heck, if she offered to bring a few meals over, I would probably accept, just so my DH had something to eat. I just thought we were turning a corner, and it just hurts my feelings that she can't find it in her to just ASK. I don't think that's crazy of me. And I know she knows I wouldn't be upset.

I remember many a time my parents saying to me, "Even if you know someone will probably say no, it's always nice to ask and show them you care, just in case they DO want help." Maybe that was just how I was brought up, I don't know.

Just needed to vent, but feel free to continue with me, I'm used to it by now!

As you point out a few times--your husband is being great about this. If that is really true, why the heck doesn't he have something to eat without you asking his mother to bring it over? The various times I have been sick (pregnant or otherwise), had sick kids to cope with, or just been really busy--so long as he is in town he has always managed to either cook something, pick up something ready made at the grocery store deli, pick up fast food or even order curbside takeaway from any of a dozen places that do that now in the US. If you need someone to help you out during the times he is at work and unable to do that himself I can sort of see that--but there is no reason at all that HE needs anyone taking care of him right now (unless he has some grave illness you haven't shared or something).

Talking about being in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

If you want her to do something, then tell her. Ask her to bring over the favorite meal she made for your husband or his favorite cookies and beer.

You were complaining like 2 months ago about her trying to come over and help when he was sick. You took offense to her offer then.

How are you going to have a real relationship with your MIL if you find fault with her for anything she does or doesn't do?

I hope you feel better.

And HERE is the perfect post given your history of posting about your mother in law Megs. I know you feel crappy--and I am sorry about that; and i know you are feeling hurt--but you have seriously posted a half dozen or more threads about your mother in law in which her behaviour has at worst been something others would not think twice about and at best been something others would find touching and sweet and you manage to see it as a slight to you every time. I truly think you are subconciously looking for reasons to be offended by everything the poor woman does. I sure hope you can figure out how to stop this before that baby growing inside you come along and gets put in the middle.

I don't know anyone's mil that helped out when they were having morning (or in many cases all day sickness). That's what your dh is for, not his mom. You don't even have another toddler running around that needs immediate attention, anything else can wait till he gets home.

I have never known it either. I have seen people help out if a mother to be is on full time bedrest (and msotly then even only if the husband travels or their are young kids at home during the day)--or ends up hospitalized (and then what I did was sit with her through the long days as often as I could--never occurred to me to offer to clean her house or cook for her husband--he managed that fine on his own all 3 weeks).

You are having a baby, not dying! You are simply pregnant and going through what millions of other women have gone through and will continue to go through from now till the end of time. Morning sickness or all day sickness (like I also had with my 2nd child) is horrible but it's just part of it. You have to accept you may have it when you decide to have a baby. It's a choice you make really.

People with actual illnesses such as cancer sure as heck don't choose it. I also know a whole lot of women who would gladly trade places with you to have the kind of sickness that you have, as many women want nothing more than to get pregnant and throw up all day knowing there is a baby growing inside them and they simply can't get pregnant.

As far as your MIL, I guess I'm going to be the one that seems insensitive but I don't think she has any obligation to even offer to help you. She did not choose for you to have a baby, you did. Therefore she does not have to offer help. I think you are beyond lucky to have all of the people you do offering to help. I think the only one that should be pampering you is your dh. Anyone else is just a really nice bonus.

Just a heads up, it also will not be your MIL's responsibility to babysit her grandchild no matter how much you think she should want to. A lot of grandparents do want to babysit but not all do.

I really do hope you feel better soon as morning sickness can be miserable. I promise it does get better eventually. There may even come a day where you forget how bad it was and decide to have another child and then wonder what the heck were you thinking when you have the m/s all over again!

I guess I am equally insensitive as I just keep coming back to feeling sorry for the Mil.

I'm well aware that I am not dying. I am well aware that my "sickness" isn't life threatening. I'm well aware that my MIL owes me nothing. I wasn't hoping for anything other than a little sympathy from her.

Some of you are very mean spirited. Why can't anyone come on here and vent without bring ripped to pieces? I hope you all feel better now. I have nothing further to say here, I thank you for the kind words, and I feel sad for those who can never find it within themselves to just offer support, but rather instead constantly have to be negative.

If you had vented about feeling awful while pregnant and wishing that stage would end I think you would have gotten loads of sympathy. Instead YOU were mean spirited in your expectations of your Mil (she SHOULD offer help jsut so you can turn it down and since you didn't you think she isn't caring enough) and that is what people are reacting to. You also have a tendency to be, um, a bit, shall we say dramatic about things (at least in writing on the DIS) so it is possible she thinks you are exaggerating your symptoms just a bit. Some people see most everything as a big deal in some ways. Others who don't tend to not take much of anything seriously from those who do (somewhere in between is a happy medium--but it can be hard to find).

Remember--your mother in law only found out you were pregnant on Christmas (not even a month ago)--so she doesn't know you have been sick for 2 months. She knows you have been sick for 3 or so weeks (and during part of that you felt better and thought it was over). She knows your husband(her son) is taking care of you. She may know you have turned down other offers of help. I think most reasonable people in that time with that knowledge would not be calling offer to cook meals or clean either.

 

[disneyjunkie]

AMEN! Nothing like a bunch of women who can't even find it in themselves to give a cyber pat on the back to a fellow women in the thick of it. Does a little empathy cost something?

I can't believe someone basically said she asked for by getting pregnant So what? You go into pregnancy hoping for the best and accepting it may be very hard. I guess anyone who gets hurt doing a sport doesn't deserve any compassion b/c they asked for? You know, if you play you may have to pay.

Some pretty cold people around here.[/QU If want to why some posters are responding this way, search some of the OP's other threads about her MIL. No matter what the poor woman does, the OP has an issue with it.

 

[snowywhite89]

I'm well aware that I am not dying. I am well aware that my "sickness" isn't life threatening. I'm well aware that my MIL owes me nothing. I wasn't hoping for anything other than a little sympathy from her.

Some of you are very mean spirited. Why can't anyone come on here and vent without bring ripped to pieces? I hope you all feel better now. I have nothing further to say here, I thank you for the kind words, and I feel sad for those who can never find it within themselves to just offer support, but rather instead constantly have to be negative.

What support did you want? Did you want us to all say what a cold, mean, inconsiderate woman your MIL is?

People just pointed out that you are not entitled to have your MIL coddling you for your pregnancy. The best part is you wanted her to ask and then you wanted to say no.

 

[Becky2005]

] Doesn't she remember what it was like to be pregnant??

It's quite possible her MIL was never sick one day of her pregnancy. I never was with all 4 of them, so umm...no, I wouldn't remember what it would be like to be sick with pregnancy. Here's the catch-22 of it all, women have fought long & hard to be treated "normal" during pregnancy and seeming to ask not to be treated differently...then it turns around that they get upset when they aren't treated differently because you know their pregnant. Heck I went ice skating pregnant, was climbing chairs to hang stuff up and was generally annoyed when someone wanted to treat me like I was so fragile I was going to break any second.

I'm really sorry the OP is very sick with it. I know my best friend had to be on some medications for hers because she was sick constantly (and come to think of it, I never asked her if she needed any help but she was pregnant before I was!). I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

So, I could easily see me as one to not offer anything unless asked. It's especially hard for MIL's because if they ask too much they are considered overbearing, if they don't ask at all they are considered careless clods.

The thing is, I'm betting the OP's DH was NOT raised with the same sentiment that "asking if you need help = caring" like OP was...so in her mind not asking = not caring but that is because of how she was raised. Doesn't mean MIL doesn't care...it could be that they were raised with the "If someone needs help they will ask, if not, asking = harrassing them" OR in my own DH case "No news = good news" -- basically if we don't hear from someone we assume all is well and they will let us know if there is a problem.

 

[SaraJayne]

I haven't read this whole thread but, as I recall from years past , morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy.

That's an old wives tale.

 

[SaraJayne]

This is the perfect answer for this thread--with no history clouding the answer.


As you point out a few times--your husband is being great about this. If that is really true, why the heck doesn't he have something to eat without you asking his mother to bring it over? The various times I have been sick (pregnant or otherwise), had sick kids to cope with, or just been really busy--so long as he is in town he has always managed to either cook something, pick up something ready made at the grocery store deli, pick up fast food or even order curbside takeaway from any of a dozen places that do that now in the US. If you need someone to help you out during the times he is at work and unable to do that himself I can sort of see that--but there is no reason at all that HE needs anyone taking care of him right now (unless he has some grave illness you haven't shared or something).

And HERE is the perfect post given your history of posting about your mother in law Megs. I know you feel crappy--and I am sorry about that; and i know you are feeling hurt--but you have seriously posted a half dozen or more threads about your mother in law in which her behaviour has at worst been something others would not think twice about and at best been something others would find touching and sweet and you manage to see it as a slight to you every time. I truly think you are subconciously looking for reasons to be offended by everything the poor woman does. I sure hope you can figure out how to stop this before that baby growing inside you come along and gets put in the middle.

I have never known it either. I have seen people help out if a mother to be is on full time bedrest (and msotly then even only if the husband travels or their are young kids at home during the day)--or ends up hospitalized (and then what I did was sit with her through the long days as often as I could--never occurred to me to offer to clean her house or cook for her husband--he managed that fine on his own all 3 weeks).

I guess I am equally insensitive as I just keep coming back to feeling sorry for the Mil.


If you had vented about feeling awful while pregnant and wishing that stage would end I think you would have gotten loads of sympathy. Instead YOU were mean spirited in your expectations of your Mil (she SHOULD offer help jsut so you can turn it down and since you didn't you think she isn't caring enough) and that is what people are reacting to. You also have a tendency to be, um, a bit, shall we say dramatic about things (at least in writing on the DIS) so it is possible she thinks you are exaggerating your symptoms just a bit. Some people see most everything as a big deal in some ways. Others who don't tend to not take much of anything seriously from those who do (somewhere in between is a happy medium--but it can be hard to find).

Remember--your mother in law only found out you were pregnant on Christmas (not even a month ago)--so she doesn't know you have been sick for 2 months. She knows you have been sick for 3 or so weeks (and during part of that you felt better and thought it was over). She knows your husband(her son) is taking care of you. She may know you have turned down other offers of help. I think most reasonable people in that time with that knowledge would not be calling offer to cook meals or clean either.

(to the red I bolded)

 

[Mkrop]

It's quite possible her MIL was never sick one day of her pregnancy. I never was with all 4 of them, so umm...no, I wouldn't remember what it would be like to be sick with pregnancy. Here's the catch-22 of it all, women have fought long & hard to be treated "normal" during pregnancy and seeming to ask not to be treated differently...then it turns around that they get upset when they aren't treated differently because you know their pregnant. Heck I went ice skating pregnant, was climbing chairs to hang stuff up and was generally annoyed when someone wanted to treat me like I was so fragile I was going to break any second.

I'm really sorry the OP is very sick with it. I know my best friend had to be on some medications for hers because she was sick constantly (and come to think of it, I never asked her if she needed any help but she was pregnant before I was!). I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

So, I could easily see me as one to not offer anything unless asked. It's especially hard for MIL's because if they ask too much they are considered overbearing, if they don't ask at all they are considered careless clods.

The thing is, I'm betting the OP's DH was NOT raised with the same sentiment that "asking if you need help = caring" like OP was...so in her mind not asking = not caring but that is because of how she was raised. Doesn't mean MIL doesn't care...it could be that they were raised with the "If someone needs help they will ask, if not, asking = harrassing them" OR in my own DH case "No news = good news" -- basically if we don't hear from someone we assume all is well and they will let us know if there is a problem.

This was my MIL, according to her she had the easiest pregnancies on the planet, quick labor, etc. She came after I gave birth bc DH had to go out of town, we wanted DS to go to school, so she came and stayed to help drive him. I had horrible pain after as my uterus was going back into shape, and horrible bleeding. I talked to the Dr, had to monitor it but there really wasnt much I could do but deal with the pain (I felt this pain was just as bad as labor on the 1-10 scale) Despite being a nurse, my MIL looked at me like I had 3 heads bc she had never had any of this after her deliveries.

She was a great help but she was not warm and fuzzy, she wasnt sympathetic. That is not her. My mom on the other hand probably would have babied me to death and been smothering, two extremes but two helpful ladies nonetheless.

 

[sunnyday123]

You are never going to turn the corner if you continue to look for things to be pissy about.

Also, it's going to make for a very, very long 9 months.

ETA: If I remember correctly, there WAS a thread about how the MIL made the OP feel "inadequate" in taking care of her husband. Personally, I think you're (OP) looking for drama, and it's unecessary and not healthy for you or the baby.

 

[tlbwriter]

Despite being a nurse, my MIL looked at me like I had 3 heads bc she had never had any of this after her deliveries.

She was a great help but she was not warm and fuzzy, she wasnt sympathetic.

Based on my personal experience, one should never look to a nurse for sympathy when you're not feeling well.

 

[mdsoccermom]

AKL Megs, I would feel the same way you do if my MIL didn't offer any help, especially when you haven't been feeling well! What's her problem? Doesn't she remember what it was like to be pregnant?? Well, at least you have friends who are treating you like the pregnant woman you are!

And how exactly are pregnant women supposed to be treated? With kid gloves?

I have news for you. Pregnant women are not disabled. They are not dying. They are pregnant. Barring a serious medical issue surrounding the pregnancy, pregnant women all over the world manage to function without being treated like they are glass.

She has a husband. He is the one who should be stepping up to the plate and cooking and cleaning if she is unable to. A little TLC? Then it's up to her husband. No one else.

Her MIL is probably not offering up meals because she assumes that her son is a big boy and can handle things. Maybe her MIL does remember what it was like to be pregnant and remembers that she was a strong woman who made it through without the world stopping for her.

 

[Acklander]

Well, at least you have friends who are treating you like the pregnant woman you are!

see? that may be what the difference is. I never thought to treat pregnant woman any different than when they're not pregnant, KWIM??? Not to minimize what you're going through, but it's just pregnancy. No, it's not always comfortable, but it is, what it is - so you deal with it. And, if you can't deal with it, you ask for help. I don't recall anyone running around asking if I needed help with anything while pregnant, and when my DIL was pregnant, I don't recall ever asking her if she needed anything. She still worked (waiting on tables up until about 8 mos pregnant), she still did her own housework, she still cooked dinner - she went on with her life. I realize that some people are more high maintenance than others, but expecting someone to read your mind that you want them to ask to help so you can turn them down, is a bit silly.
I would put morning sickness in the same category as your time of the month. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, yes, you may not feel like doing as much, but you deal with it, or you take some motrin and a hot bath, or you eat chocolate or whatever helps you get thru it. You may feel like crap, but it's part of life. You don't expect people to be popping over with offers of help.

 

[LaurenLC]

I haven't read this whole thread but, as I recall from years past , morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy. I also remember that feeling sick for so long is VERY irritating! Here's hoping that the ickies lighten up and you get a chance to enjoy the process.

Morning sickness does NOT indicate a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy. This is an old wives tale that drives women who don't have morning sickness CRAZY!

OP, hope you feel better soon!

 

[Acklander]

OP

You mentioned in an earlier thread that your cousin is pregnant as well, though further along. Have you been going out of your way with offers of help, and doing stuff for her to make her pregnancy easier??

P.S - Thanks for the great thread - LOVE the drama

 

[okeydokey]

I'm well aware that I am not dying. I am well aware that my "sickness" isn't life threatening. I'm well aware that my MIL owes me nothing. I wasn't hoping for anything other than a little sympathy from her.

Some of you are very mean spirited. Why can't anyone come on here and vent without bring ripped to pieces? I hope you all feel better now. I have nothing further to say here, I thank you for the kind words, and I feel sad for those who can never find it within themselves to just offer support, but rather instead constantly have to be negative.

You get more of the support you crave from a board dedicated to pregnant women. Right now your pregnancy is the center of your life. The rest of the world isn't as wrapped up about it as you are.

 

[Hannathy]

And how exactly are pregnant women supposed to be treated? With kid gloves?

I have news for you. Pregnant women are not disabled. They are not dying. They are pregnant. Barring a serious medical issue surrounding the pregnancy, pregnant women all over the world manage to function without being treated like they are glass.

She has a husband. He is the one who should be stepping up to the plate and cooking and cleaning if she is unable to. A little TLC? Then it's up to her husband. No one else.

Her MIL is probably not offering up meals because she assumes that her son is a big boy and can handle things. Maybe her MIL does remember what it was like to be pregnant and remembers that she was a strong woman who made it through without the world stopping for her.

I totally agree with you! I am astounded daily on this board how some talk about treating pregnant woman and pregnancy. You would think we went back to the 1930's. I think it annoys those of us of a certain age who had to fight to get treated equally to have pregnancy not be a treason to have to quit jobs, to have it not treated like a major disability and an interference to life and then to hear these young woman wanting to be treated like they are fragile little glass slippers is maddening.

I would never think to ask if my DIL needed anything when she is married and has no children already. I would be pretty mad at my son if she did!
Seriously OP what could you possibly need from your MIL? that your DH can't be doing? A large percentage of couples go through this many miles away from family and make it.

Plus unless I read this wrong she is still working full time! Just how incapacitated could you be and still go to work full time?