Is It That Hard To Ask? A Pregnant Vent ;)

[AKL_Megs]

I just need to vent. I'm sure you all will have a field day, per usual, and I don't care. I just need to get it out.

I've never had a "real" relationship with my MIL, but lately, we've been working on a "MIL DIL" relationship. We call when something funny happens, or just to catch up, and we have been getting along.

I've been SO SICK with terrible morning sickness for two months. I've said before, I've lost 10lbs., I can hardly eat, I'm exhausted, all I do is throw up constantly, I can hardly cook (the smells make me get sick), I can hardly shop (I get sick at the sight of all of the food at the grocery store)... I'm just a mess. I go to work and come home and sleep.

My best friend has offered to cook for me. My neighbor/friend has offered to get things for me when she is out and about. My mom has offered numerous times to come and help me clean the house. Our neighbors come and blow our snow when DH is working. My DH has been absolutely AMAZING!

Of course, I have yet to accept help, but I graciously thank them for offering, it means so much to know I have people who care enough to ask!

My MIL, on the otherhand, hasn't bothered asking if she could do anything, and she knows what a terrible time I have been having. Would it be so hard to just ask? I'd never make her come over and clean toilets, but just asking would mean so much.

That's all.

 

[Magic Mom]

I just need to vent. I'm sure you all will have a field day, per usual, and I don't care. I just need to get it out.

I've never had a "real" relationship with my MIL, but lately, we've been working on a "MIL DIL" relationship. We call when something funny happens, or just to catch up, and we have been getting along.

I've been SO SICK with terrible morning sickness for two months. I've said before, I've lost 10lbs., I can hardly eat, I'm exhausted, all I do is throw up constantly, I can hardly cook (the smells make me get sick), I can hardly shop (I get sick at the sight of all of the food at the grocery store)... I'm just a mess. I go to work and come home and sleep.

My best friend has offered to cook for me. My neighbor/friend has offered to get things for me when she is out and about. My mom has offered numerous times to come and help me clean the house. Our neighbors come and blow our snow when DH is working. My DH has been absolutely AMAZING!

Of course, I have yet to accept help, but I graciously thank them for offering, it means so much to know I have people who care enough to ask!

My MIL, on the otherhand, hasn't bothered asking if she could do anything, and she knows what a terrible time I have been having. Would it be so hard to just ask? I'd never make her come over and clean toilets, but just asking would mean so much.

That's all.

Maybe she is afraid you would take any offer from her to help as a hint that you can't take care of your own house. She probably doesn't want to step on your toes.

 

[kwelch10377]

I'm sorry. I do get where you are coming from. In situations like this even though you wouldn't accept the help, just the fact that someone offers means they care enough to take the time to help you out. Even a simple is there anything that I could do to help you would go a long way.

 

[rie'smom]

This is your first baby and she may feel that your mom wants to do these things. I could see myself doing that. It would be nothing against a DDIL. In fact I adore the woman my son is dating and I still wouldn't want to overstep.

 

[Miniefan]

I just need to vent. I'm sure you all will have a field day, per usual, and I don't care. I just need to get it out.

I've never had a "real" relationship with my MIL, but lately, we've been working on a "MIL DIL" relationship. We call when something funny happens, or just to catch up, and we have been getting along.

I've been SO SICK with terrible morning sickness for two months. I've said before, I've lost 10lbs., I can hardly eat, I'm exhausted, all I do is throw up constantly, I can hardly cook (the smells make me get sick), I can hardly shop (I get sick at the sight of all of the food at the grocery store)... I'm just a mess. I go to work and come home and sleep.

My best friend has offered to cook for me. My neighbor/friend has offered to get things for me when she is out and about. My mom has offered numerous times to come and help me clean the house. Our neighbors come and blow our snow when DH is working. My DH has been absolutely AMAZING!

Of course, I have yet to accept help, but I graciously thank them for offering, it means so much to know I have people who care enough to ask!

My MIL, on the otherhand, hasn't bothered asking if she could do anything, and she knows what a terrible time I have been having. Would it be so hard to just ask? I'd never make her come over and clean toilets, but just asking would mean so much.

That's all.

Op, I don't know your mil and I am not defending her, but I want you to know, and I know this because most of the ppl I have around here are like this. People are stupid, for most ppl you honestly have to spell things out, they can't take hints at things and don't have common courtesy that most ppl have. My dh's family is like this, I have entually figured out if there is something I need or something I specificly want them to do, then I just have to tell them. Also, you have to remember that a lot ppl may hear you talking when you speak casually, but they aren't really listening. My mil is like this, I can tell her something and then the next time we talk I will mention it again and she will ask me about it like she's never even heard of it before. Most ppl only remember and hear what they care about. Sad but true. May not be the case in your situation, but more often than not is is the case in my family.

Kim

 

[AKL_Megs]

Maybe she is afraid you would take any offer from her to help as a hint that you can't take care of your own house. She probably doesn't want to step on your toes.

I could see this being possible. Still, no harm could come from a generic, "Let me know if I can do anything."

Maybe I'm just overly emotional.

 

[FINFAN]

the good news...You really do have a relationship with her! If you didn't it would not bother you one way or the other that she si not offering to help

the bad news, since you have a relationship why isn't she offering to help?

Is it possible she has inquired to your DH about if there is anything she can do , and maybe he has mentioned that friends, neighbors, your mom...others are there for you ( regardless of whether you have actually taken them up on it)so she figures it is under control?
Do you think she is respecting your privacy?

At any rate I hope things get better for you.

 

[Jennasis]

OP, it sounds like pregnancy hormones. You admit you would decline the help, but you're upset someone isn't offering it??

Be grateful she isn't in your hair constantly bothering you. I hope you feel better soon!

 

[snowywhite89]

You are getting lost of offers of help that you turn down but you are upset at your MIL for not offering. Why? Do you just want to tell her no? Maybe she knows you will turn her down and does not want that rejection.

If you need help from her then ask.

 

[ilovejack02]

All I wanted to do was be left alone to sleep the first few months of being pregnant with my first . I didn't answer the phone or talk to anyone . I leave all of my newly pregnant friends alone because of this . If they have children I will offer to help, but other than that I stay out of the way and try not to bother them.

Your MIL may be the same way.

Just think , she could be giving you tons of unsolicited advice and smothering you .

 

[AKL_Megs]

All I wanted to do was be left alone to sleep the first few months of being pregnant with my first . I didn't answer the phone or talk to anyone . I leave all of my newly pregnant friends alone because of this . If they have children I will offer to help, but other than that I stay out of the way and try not to bother them.

Your MIL may be the same way.

Just think , she could be giving you tons of unsolicited advice and smothering you .

See, that's what sort of pisses me off... She will call and say, "Don't work to hard, you're growing my grandchild, get some rest!"

Okay...

 

[npmommie]

I could see this being possible. Still, no harm could come from a generic, "Let me know if I can do anything."

Maybe I'm just overly emotional.

yes its those preg hormones!

I also want to say I hope you have mentioned to your OB the extent of your morning sickness.
If you are losing that much weight and unable to eat you should mention it to them.
If its hyperemesis it could get serious

 

[ilovejack02]

See, that's what sort of pisses me off... She will call and say, "Don't work to hard, you're growing my grandchild, get some rest!"

Okay...

LOL... no Im not laughing at you, I am just laughing because we all have different ways of taking things.

What is our Dis saying, this isn't a hill you want to die on .
: )

Please remember she could be the horrible intrusive MIL that we all want to choke .

I would be such a happy camper to be left alone in my dark quiet bedroom , with a bucket to throw up in and crackers on the night stand.

Thankfully my MIL figured that out about me early on, but was there in a heart beat when I called and said I need gumbo now , or I need fried pork chops LOL.

I had to make the call though , she couldn't read my mind.

 

[YodaGirl]

I have no advice for you in regards to your MIL, but have you talked to your ob about some meds for your nausea/vomitting? I know that zofran is safe to take during pregnancy.

I feel your pain to an extent. Thankfully, I haven't been throwing up, but nausea and just being SO tired has been kicking my butt! Thankfully DH has been doing double duty around here.

 

[Magic Mom]

See, that's what sort of pisses me off... She will call and say, "Don't work to hard, you're growing my grandchild, get some rest!"

Okay...

I think you're being a little difficult. That's understandable considering you're not feeling well, but try to cut her some slack. You don't want her to help, but you want her to think you want her to help and ask to help, so that you can tell her you really don't want her to help.

I know it's your first and it's all new to you, but lots of women have been pregnant and sick and still worked and taken care of kids and their houses. Your MIL knows this, it probably hasn't occured to her that you need someone to clean your house. If you really do want her help, don't play games and expect her to read your mind, just ask her. It will save you and her hurt feelings.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[minkydog]

I just need to vent. I'm sure you all will have a field day, per usual, and I don't care. I just need to get it out.

I've never had a "real" relationship with my MIL, but lately, we've been working on a "MIL DIL" relationship. We call when something funny happens, or just to catch up, and we have been getting along.

I've been SO SICK with terrible morning sickness for two months. I've said before, I've lost 10lbs., I can hardly eat, I'm exhausted, all I do is throw up constantly, I can hardly cook (the smells make me get sick), I can hardly shop (I get sick at the sight of all of the food at the grocery store)... I'm just a mess. I go to work and come home and sleep.

My best friend has offered to cook for me. My neighbor/friend has offered to get things for me when she is out and about. My mom has offered numerous times to come and help me clean the house. Our neighbors come and blow our snow when DH is working. My DH has been absolutely AMAZING!

Of course, I have yet to accept help, but I graciously thank them for offering, it means so much to know I have people who care enough to ask!

My MIL, on the otherhand, hasn't bothered asking if she could do anything, and she knows what a terrible time I have been having. Would it be so hard to just ask? I'd never make her come over and clean toilets, but just asking would mean so much.

That's all.

You have people standing in line to help you and you won't accept, yet you're upset that ONE person doesn't offer? Let it go. I know you don't think she owes you anything, but that's kinda how it comes across. You need to just accept her as she is, not how you want her to be. Don't let your feelings be hurt, just accept that she can't seem to give you the support you think you want. I mean, your other choice is stay mad and allow this season of your life to dictate the rest of the duration of your relationship. Are you sure this is the hill you want to die on??

Incidently, I have almost no relationship with my MIL. Never have. We don't dislike each other,we just don't have anything in common. She's an alcoholic who was barely interested in raising her own children. I have a hard time having respect for her other than that she's my husband's mother. For his sake, I maintain courtesy toward her. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask her for help and she sure as heck has never offered. Meh. SOOO not a big deal.

Let it go. You'll be happier

 

[marlynnp]

Based on past behavior I'd say she's learned that no matter what she does, there's an issue.

I can't blame her. If you can't make someone happy no matter what you do, then you might as well do whatever is easiest for yourself.

I can totally imagine the thread....
"As you know, I've been so sick and just can't stand the smell or sight of food.
Every time I turn around my MIL keeps bringing over food and buying groceries - like I don't know how to take care of her son....."

 

[ols386]

Your MIL isn't a mind-reader. If you need her help, then ask for what you want.
It seems like you don't like her very much (just from the tone of this thread and other threads of your's that I've read....maybe I'm wrong) and are just looking for a reason to be upset/angry with her.

 

[Styx Fan]

Wow people, cut this poor mommy-to-be some slack. I'm not pregnant, and I don't have any hormone issues, but I feel her hurt at this situation. She just wants to feel like her MIL cares and is willing to step up and help. Personally, if she offered I would let her do some things to help. Someday OP may need to help her MIL.

Yup, lots of women have given birth...some in a field then finished the plowing, but thank God I don't any of us have had to do that! Lots of women are sick, have other kids, maybe a single parent, maybe with only one leg and blind....that doesn't mean this poor mommy doesn't feel terrible.

I was there.....I lost 14 pounds with my first. That was 15 years ago...my doc said there was nothing to do since I wasn't dehydrated. I was working full time in a very stressful job. It was like having a horrible stomach bug for over 3 months...24/7. If you haven't been there, you have no idea what it feels like. One day I had a melt-down and cried for hours...and it wasn't hormones, I was SICK.

For years I had been very close to my MIL. But she did pretty much nothing for me while I was sick. My mom had died 7 years before. I had no family within 600 miles and I wasn't really in touch with them. MIL just couldn't be bothered. I have since learned this was just the way she was. And is. My DH was in the middle of a really big project at work, lots of overtime. I came home from work...changed into PJ's and slept as much as possible all evening to escape the horribleness of it. DH worked most of the evening. My house turned into a pit. DH managed to keep up with the laundry.

Finally, we paid DH's brothers girlfriend to come clean the house one day. It made me feel so much better to come home to a clean house.

At the time, it really never crossed my mind that MIL could have offered to help. Not really having a family, I didn't realize that sometimes family did stuff like that. It wasn't until after the baby was born and she never even helped us with our first child and others assumed she was that it dawned on me. We would have loved to have someone come help us give the baby a bath, or hold him while we rested or did chores. I was 33, had a rough labor and a c-section.

OP, perhaps your DH could drop some hints to his mom that some help would be appreciated. Maybe make some food...even in OP can't eat much, her DH can. Do some grocery shopping.

Hang in there! It seems like this is never ending, but it will stop.

Lisa

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm not "upset", just hurt. Heck, if she offered to bring a few meals over, I would probably accept, just so my DH had something to eat. I just thought we were turning a corner, and it just hurts my feelings that she can't find it in her to just ASK. I don't think that's crazy of me. And I know she knows I wouldn't be upset.

I remember many a time my parents saying to me, "Even if you know someone will probably say no, it's always nice to ask and show them you care, just in case they DO want help." Maybe that was just how I was brought up, I don't know.

Just needed to vent, but feel free to continue with me, I'm used to it by now!