Is it rude to ask guests to attend/pay for a destination wedding?

[bopper]

The problem with a cruise (vs. just at WDW) is that a cruise has a minimum price and you can't go too cheap.
If you had it at say, WDW, people could drive and stay in a cheap hotel. But a cruise you need to do the whole thing.

If the people who you really want to be there (immediate family, grandparents) can afford it, then great! But if not, decide what is important to you (no judging).

 

[Helaman]

I view it as impolite. You are celebrating a wedding, those who love you want to participate, but may not due to financial or work reasons.

 

[Chickinvic]

We are considering a Disney Cruise wedding. One of our concerns is that our guests may be angry at us for requesting their presence at something costly and time consuming. We fully understand that many people may not be able to attend and have no ill will towards them. Would you be irritated at receiving an invitation that asked you to travel to a destination wedding and pay for your own trip?

I wouldn't be irritated at all. I probably wouldn't attend, but I certainly wouldn't be offended or anything.

I have been to one desination wedding (Puerta Vallarta). We needed a break from winter anyways (it was end of February and we live in Ottawa). We turned it into our own vacation as well as attending the wedding. I wouldn't normally go out of my way for on though. We only did it since we knew we'd want some sunshine by that time anyways.

When my ex-husband and I got married, we did it on a beach on Maui. We invited nobody (for the reasons mentioned - I didn't see why anyone else would want to spend a bunch of money to travel just to see me get married - felt too presumptuous to me). We just did it really quiet and for us (family knew we were doing it - we didn't elope or anything).

 

[Chickinvic]

Best way to lower the number of attendees is to have a destination wedding. Just make sure you outline you understand that people can't attend in some fashion to give them an out without them feeling bad.

Do most people feel bad to refuse? It honestly wouldn't even occur to me to feel bad about declining a wedding invite. I guess I figure most people probably don't care if I come or not. I'm just not a big "wedding" person I guess.

 

[Chickinvic]

We had 10 ppl at our wedding total who stayed in offsite hotels that were part of the chain where I worked and were booked at staff pricing. It was quite fair to our guests especially because inter-Canada flights are far more expensive than flying to the US.

That is ABSOLUTELY true. People have no idea how expensive it is to fly within Canada. I pay more to fly back to my hometown (Victoria, BC) from here (Ottawa) than it would cost me to fly to Europe. Anyways, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone here

For the one destination wedding we did attend in Mexico, the flight and accomodations at an all inclusive for the week only cost about $300 more than just flying back home to Victoria would (and since food and drinks were included, it was probably cheaper than flying back home and spending a week lol).

 

[smiths02]

Same. I've yet to find a satisfying explanation to why it's tacky to ask for donations to a honeymoon fund but not tacky to ask for literally anything else, which is what a registry is. If a couple already has what it takes to build a home, or would rather shop for those items together instead of having people gift them, why do wedding guests get to insist upon purchasing things they do not need or want? And if someone is perfectly fine in handing over cash, what's wrong with knowing the cash is going toward something the couple is looking forward to and appreciates rather than toward literally any other thing? The mind boggles.

One reason asking for money to pay for the wedding or honeymoon may seem tackier (I mean, I don't really care) is that those things should have already been planned at paid for before the wedding?

 

[Chickinvic]

For me personally, the only case in which I would give up significant time/money to attend a destination wedding would be for one of my own kids getting married. Our vacation time each year is far too limited, and there are too many things we want to do and already have planned out, to give up a week of vacation time (+ several thousand $$) to go to a cousin/friend/niece/etc's wedding. Maybe if we could make it a quick weekend trip, but definitely not if it required more than that.

That said however, I do think that when it is YOUR wedding, you have the right to do absolutely whatever you want. And if going somewhere exotic is what you dream of, then you should go for it. Just don't put any expectation or pressure on anyone else to attend. There's nothing wrong with inviting, as long as it doesn't involve a guilt-trip for saying no. I also don't think anyone should make you feel guilty for having a wedding they can't come to (for whatever reason), as the event is a major event in YOUR life, not theirs. I would not be at all offended or upset to receive an invitation, but would just politely decline, send a gift, and wish them well.

You're nicer than me. I don't bother sending gifts to weddings I'm not attending. I'm so not a wedding person I guess.

 

[Chickinvic]

Awww...I actually like it. Much prefer contributing to a honeymoon instead of a blender or more towels.

I don't mind giving cash for a wedding present (it is what I normally do), but I do find it tacky for people to ask for cash.

 

[Chickinvic]

Okay, question, serious question too:
Bride & Groom have lived together for years prior to engagement and marriage, already have the stuff for normal building household registry.
Wedding is destination, all gifts brought would have to be flown in/out, unless done via registry.
If not cash or a registry for cash ( money used for wedding/honeymoon experiences; couple spa treatments, beachside dinner, etc etc) then what would not be tacky?

Why not just say "no gifts"? "Your presence is our present" You're a grown up who has lived together for years.

 

[Amunet]

Why not just say "no gifts"? "Your presence is our present" You're a grown up who has lived together for years.

Cause family that cannot attend will want to send something, you know, to be part of it.

 

[persimmondeb]

It's no more rude to have the wedding you want than to have the marriage you want (and the marriage is the whole point of the excercise).

That said, it is rude to have a difficult to attend wedding and have your nose put out of joint when people do not attend (and this happens with some frequency and not only with destination weddings). It's also rude to have guests and make no provisions for their comfort (and I've heard some stories).

That said, weddings are not one size fits all. There are circumstances where it would be, if not actually rude, kind of inconsiderate to have a destination wedding. There are circumstances where it would be kind of inconsiderate NOT to have a destination wedding (and not only because tourist destinations can be cheaper and easier to travel to and/or stay at than many other places). And there are plenty of circumstances where you could make a valid argument either way.

Really, I'd say common sense should prevail. And I'd never be insulted or upset to recieve an invitation to a wedding I couldn't attend due to cost or hassle of travel (the last one was in the bride's hometown--a six hour drive or a prohibitively expensive flight from where I live--and we would have liked to attend but it wasn't possible).

 

[tinay]

We have not officially booked... but we are planning to get married on a Disney cruise and been discussing doing it on the EBPC in 2020, which is 14-days (my immediate family does not like cruises that are less than 7 days). We choose this cruise because we want a small ceremony and to celebrate with our immediate family. Plus I have always wanted a Disney wedding and both our families love cruising! This will actually be his families first Disney cruise!

My fiancé and I have decided that we would pay for both our immediate family expenses for travel and cruise fare, which will end up being a total of 4 oceanview staterooms (including ours). We will not have a bridal party except for a ring bearer and a flower girl, which will end up being my nephew and niece.

We both have large extended families... we have not decided if we are going to invite the extended family, but I think the decision will end up being a big NO to inviting them. I know that some of our extended family will expect us to pay for their stateroom (especially the ones that I am not close to...) and my fiancé has already stated that he does not want to pay for certain extended family members, so we agreed to not pay for any of the extended family. All or nothing type of thing. Don't want drama with the extended family.

For our friends, we will not be covering their travel expenses. He is going to invite two of his friends and I will be inviting three friends. We do not think it's rude to invite them and we do not expect them to come since it is a 14-day cruise and the price will most likely be a shocker. We would love to have our close friends celebrate with us, but we want them to understand that they do not have to come if they cannot make it. May do something extra for them if they do come... not sure what yet.

Also, we will most likely end up having a hometown reception after the cruise... still having that discussion.

 

[motherof5]

I think people should get married wherever they want, if guests can attend they will if they can't as long as you don't have hard feelings toward them, they shouldn't either. They were invited and it's their choice.

 

[Lumpy1106]

IMHO, not rude to expect guests to pay for their own travel, but also you should expect a VERY low turnout and few gifts. I don't see a destination wedding to be any less convenient than what my cousin did. He had a wedding at a winery about 2 hours away from anyone, on a SUNDAY NIGHT, and expressly forbid kids from attending. We, and our 3 kids, sent our immediate regrets. His registry was mostly one of those go-fund-me things where guests paid for the honeymoon. Sorry, that's borderline crass - he KNEW almost no one could attend - really cuts down on the cost of the wedding that way. What's worse is HE was the kid that was always in trouble growing up going to such events.

I digress...

 

[ordinarysmartfrog]

It seems to me that this is your day. That decision is also made by you. If you want to be my best in a distant beautiful place. You have the right to do so.

 

[aristocatz]

We are considering a Disney Cruise wedding. One of our concerns is that our guests may be angry at us for requesting their presence at something costly and time consuming. We fully understand that many people may not be able to attend and have no ill will towards them. Would you be irritated at receiving an invitation that asked you to travel to a destination wedding and pay for your own trip?

I definitely would not feel irritated! I'm not sure I'd be able to afford to go and depending on what time of year, I'm not sure if I could take time off of work and pull my kids from school. I would feel bad if I couldn't afford to go, but I would assume the bride and groom would understand.

 

[MudQueen22]

Why not just say "no gifts"? "Your presence is our present" You're a grown up who has lived together for years.

This. Agree 100%.
The tradition of giving gifts at a wedding began as a way to help a young couple get started in life. This came from a time when weddings were modest celebrations, the couple had not lived together and built a life prior to marriage, and the gifts were to help them get started. It's very expensive to purchase items for an entire house when one has only built a modest hope chest; therefore, guests purchased towels, napkins, kitchen items, etc. to help the couple get started. In some social circles, the bride would choose china and flatware, and items could be purchased as a gift. Gifts were not required to be substantial, but could be; it was at the giver's discretion.

The only downside to this system was that the couple would receive, five coffee pots, but no eating utensils. Or they would receive several sets of homemade napkins, but no bath towels. And these items were usually purchased from any one of several stores, and one could not return or exchange without a receipt (even if you knew where it was purchased). Hence, the wedding registry came to be. Personally, I find registries helpful, and I almost always buy off of them. I don't see them in anywhere near the same category as a request for money.

I agree that if you're already established, either have a modest registry or simply say "Your presences is present enough" on the invitation. I think you'll find that many people will give you money anyway, and you've retained your dignity.

 

[MudQueen22]

IMHO, not rude to expect guests to pay for their own travel, but also you should expect a VERY low turnout and few gifts. I don't see a destination wedding to be any less convenient than what my cousin did. He had a wedding at a winery about 2 hours away from anyone, on a SUNDAY NIGHT, and expressly forbid kids from attending. We, and our 3 kids, sent our immediate regrets. His registry was mostly one of those go-fund-me things where guests paid for the honeymoon. Sorry, that's borderline crass - he KNEW almost no one could attend - really cuts down on the cost of the wedding that way. What's worse is HE was the kid that was always in trouble growing up going to such events.

I digress...

We have these types in our family also. We just send a modest gift (if anything) and our regrets.

 

[Amunet]

Weddings are changing, registries are changing, I mean, even Disney has a registry for Disney experiences (basically giving money): https://disneyparksandresorts.honeymoonwishes.com/

That if you're already established, either have a modest registry or simply say "Your presences is present enough" on the invitation. I think you'll find that many people will give you money anyway, and you've retained your dignity.

People don't usually put 'we request money' or put a registry in the invite, they put the wedding website in the invite and direct people to go on it for further information, within the site is where the registry is. That gets the info out and doesn't make anyone uncomfortable by asking straight out for gifts or money.

For myself, I have an 'experience' registry, like Disney's, where we are planning on paying for the experiences anyways. I think dignity has nothing to do with wanting a wedding or registry to be what a couple wants, the loss of dignity happens if the couple is ungrateful or throws a hissy fit if no one participates.

 

[Jerzeybird]

I feel like if you know who you want to be there and know they can swing it, then yes. But if you require their presence and must can’t afford it then no. But that’s a conversation you need to have with them.