I am a domestic violence victim legal advocate, and if you daughter were my daughter, I'd be telling her to RUN as fast as she can. Trying to isolate from friends and/or family is one of the basic characteristics of a potentially abusive personality. Here is a list of things to look out for that we give out at the shelter. While all of them probably will not apply except to the most severe cases of abuse, having any of them are definate red flags. If you need information about how to access resources in your area, feel free to PM me.
# JEALOUSY
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her mileage or asking friends to watch her.
# CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.
# QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six (6) months before they were married, engaged, or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel guilty or that she's "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off.
# UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs. He expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, or friend. He will say things like "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
# ISOLATION
The abusive person tries to cut the person off from all resources. If she has men friends, she's a *****. If she has women friends, she's a lesbian. If she's close to family, she's "tied to the apron strings." He accuses people who are the woman's supports of "causing trouble." He may want to live in the country without a phone. He may not let her use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.
# BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS
If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, or out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
# BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS
He will tell the woman, "You make me mad." "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do." "I can't help being angry." He really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but will use feeling to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are claims that, "You make me happy," "You control how I feel."
# HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted. He claims his feelings are "hurt" when really he's very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened - things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with the chores.
# CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper). He may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat the women they are with, also beat their children). He may not want children to eat at the table or expects to keep them in their room all evening while he is home.
# "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He's letting her know that the idea of rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
# VERBAL ABUSE
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, and running down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
# RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser expects a woman to serve him. He may say the woman must stay at home, and that she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
# DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he's nice and the next he's exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
# ***PAST BATTERING
This person may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses or girlfriends that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman they are with if the woman is with him long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person have an abusive personality.
# ***THREATS OF VIOLENCE
This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that."
# ***BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his fist, and throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is very remarkable behavior. Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their wife or girlfriend.
# ***ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, and any pushing or shoving. They may hold the woman against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me!"
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