Is it just me? Final Update post #83

[horseshowmom]

OH Man, exactly what I said and what you said...re: about his mom and dad being very busy with their "own lives"....what will happen once he realizes seriously that your DD has her "own life" with the intense committment she has too her education. Your DD may get the brunt of his "anger"!!! Do you think that is a possibility. He seems to me, that he just would like someone to give him some attention as he suffered a loss of that when he was younger.
It is outstanding that he has a soft side...re: spending time with his siblings. That certainly is very positive! But I worry that sometimes the most "innocent party", that being your DD, may take some "HEAT" for anything that does not just go his way whether it is his family life or your DD's school life!!!

HANG IN THERE!!!

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad to have some validation that I'm not over analyzing the situation. If anything, I tend to bend over backwards trying to see both sides. Right now, I just want him to go away...

 

[Nancyg56]

I just want to chime in. I agree that you have to walk a tightrope because an 18 year old may confuse jealous and controlling behavior with LOOOOOVE. It is so good that she is sharing with you, because she must sense some weird behavior, and trusts that you will let her talk to you. I think I would keep talking about her bright future, and refrain from talking about him. Years ago, my DS had his first real GF, and she was older than him, already in college. My sweet, open son turned into a secretive young man. My DH finally said that if I could not find something nice to say, please stop talking about her. Well, there was nothing nice to say, so I really tried to say nothing...not easy for me... and it worked. I had just been ushing him into defending her, but once I stopped he only heard her negative remarks about all of us.

Now I am not minimize your concerns, by comparing them with mine as it is truely apples and oranges. He sounds like a man who would be a nightmare. I just would hate to see your lovely DD run into a relationship that she might walk away from given some time to think and make the decision on her own. I am going to keep her in my prayers and hope that she takes all of the tools that you have given to her and dumps his sorry butt!

It is so hard to be a parent, isn't it?

 

[horseshowmom]

I just want to chime in. I agree that you have to walk a tightrope because an 18 year old may confuse jealous and controlling behavior with LOOOOOVE. It is so good that she is sharing with you, because she must sense some weird behavior, and trusts that you will let her talk to you. I think I would keep talking about her bright future, and refrain from talking about him. Years ago, my DS had his first real GF, and she was older than him, already in college. My sweet, open son turned into a secretive young man. My DH finally said that if I could not find something nice to say, please stop talking about her. Well, there was nothing nice to say, so I really tried to say nothing...not easy for me... and it worked. I had just been ushing him into defending her, but once I stopped he only heard her negative remarks about all of us.

Now I am not minimize your concerns, by comparing them with mine as it is truely apples and oranges. He sounds like a man who would be a nightmare. I just would hate to see your lovely DD run into a relationship that she might walk away from given some time to think and make the decision on her own. I am going to keep her in my prayers and hope that she takes all of the tools that you have given to her and dumps his sorry butt!

It is so hard to be a parent, isn't it?

Thanks for the input. It is somewhat similar. I've had to force myself not to say purely negative things like you had to force yourself not to do. It is hard.

The other night she said something about her relationship with BF (that I don't remember exactly), but my response was that while what she was saying wasn't the case, I was starting to wonder whether he was trying to turn her against us. DH followed up with saying that he knew BF had a chip on his shoulder, but he didn't know that DD did. She was mortified and said, "No, no, no, y'all know better than that! I love y'all!"

While in that instance what I said was appropriate, I know that as a rule I've got to keep my mouth shut and just insert occasional comments here and there - as one other poster said "plant seeds".

As I said earlier, I just want this guy to go away...

(And we would definitely appreciate the prayers!)

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm happy to add you and your DD to my prayers. I know how hard it is to try to say the right things when you do comment, and when to keep the thoughts to yourself. I can tell you that the old GF was badmouthing us. She had come from a very disfunctional family, and my DS was going to "save" her. I prayed every day that she wouild "go away", and one day my DS sent her away. She had gone over the line, and to this day, I don't know what she said, but I do know that had I continued to point out all of her "problems" all of her carping would have had a value.

Keep your faith, because she has you and your DH to keep "planting those seeds" and she has the tools you gave her. As long as she is talking to you, she is listening to you. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[LiteBrite]

I don't have any better advice to give you than what you've already been given, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, your husband, and your daughter. I totally agree with you that this guy should go, and I hope he goes soon. I also have an 18yo DD who's in a relationship I'm not crazy about. It's not the same kind of situation - the boy is a perfectly nice boy and I don't have any major red flags flying concerning her safety, I just don't think he's right for her. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just tell them what to do like we did when they were little?

Sigh - 18 is a scary age!

 

[DVC Sadie]

I would say that I'd kill him, but I'd have to beat her father to it.

We've been talking about it more tonight and are debating how best to handle it. She's got about 6 or 7 more weeks of school and then she'll be out for summer. That should throw a major wrench in things.

I've even debated just saying that we don't want her to see this guy anymore, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to "throw down the gauntlet". She talks to me a lot now, and I don't want that to dry up.

I just can't believe that she doesn't see him for what I think he is. It's just not like her.

Have you thought about bringing your daughter on an extended summer vacation this summer, perhaps to an out of state relative or somewhere where she and you can still have fun but be totally away from current BFs influence? If it was my daughter I would do just about anything to get her away from him for awhile. Just my thoughts.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Last night I didn't mention a relationship that my DD had earlier this school year. I wouldn't even begin to call it abusive in any way, but he was at least somewhat controlling. It was someone who I'd written about on the DIS boards, someone that my DD met last summer, a couple of months before she went away to college. She already knew where she was going at that time, about 2 1/2 hours away. He went to a local community college and really put the pressure on her to move back home to go to the CC college and when that didn't work to at least transfer to a closer 4 year university, even though it didn't have the major that she is studying.

She really felt torn and tried to talk me into letting her come home after the first semester of her freshman year (this last fall). I held firm and told her that she'd need to stick it out for a full year and if she was still unhappy that she could then transfer after really thinking about her options. After Thanksgiving she ended up breaking up with him and suddenly was happy at school. Of course all of a sudden it came out how he was pressuring her to move back home.

In her case, this guy knew where she was going to be going to school and should have accepted that as part of the package deal of having a relationship with her.

I hope that you are able to plant the seed with your DD that this guy is not the guy for her and that you can keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you are there for her, say your piece, but do it gently so she doesn't feel too defensive. It's a tough situation to be in!

 

[huckster]

sounds like red lfags to me jmho

 

[Disney Doll]

I would say that I'd kill him, but I'd have to beat her father to it.

We've been talking about it more tonight and are debating how best to handle it. She's got about 6 or 7 more weeks of school and then she'll be out for summer. That should throw a major wrench in things.

I've even debated just saying that we don't want her to see this guy anymore, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to "throw down the gauntlet". She talks to me a lot now, and I don't want that to dry up.

I just can't believe that she doesn't see him for what I think he is. It's just not like her.

My guess is that because she is young, she is somewhat bowled over by the fact that an "older man" finds her attractive, which is just what he's betting on.

 

[horseshowmom]

DH and I decided to sit down and have an extended talk with DD tonight. We did it (as Tigger&Belle said) in a non-threatening manner, but we did outline our concerns.

We mentioned how she has to keep explaining that all of what he says is "joking" (and just how many joking remarks there are). We also mentioned how she has to keep reassuring him and how unusual that is considering he's so much older than her. Her dad talked about his attitude after the concert Sat. night. He also talked about how jealousy can show itself in ways that aren't obvious.

I brought up the incident with his friend and also reminded her that he asked her the same thing about his roommate when she first met him (did he have anything to worry about). He's also commented (jokingly, of course) on some casual remarks one of her friends (male) made on Facebook. I told her that gradually she was going to be concerned about talking to anybody, because BF might be "worried".

She said that I know her better than that. I told her that we always had in the past but that she wasn't reacting in the same way that she always has before.

She acknowledged that we have always been straight up with her and dealt with issues(and people) in a fair and open-minded manner. She agreed again with the statement that she's made before about my telling her things that she doesn't always want to hear, but that I have an annoying habit of being right. She even admitted a little bit that she could see that some of the behaviors might be considered abnormal.

We didn't characterize him as a monster. DH just said that there are quite a few red flags going up here that show a problem of some sort and that considering his age, you couldn't blame it on immaturity. He also said that it might be different if this were a casual relationship, but it's obvious that BF is wanting to get more and more serious.

We asked her to think things through and to look at it from the perspective she would have if it were one of her friends. She did admit that she could see our point and why we were making it. It did make her sad to talk about it, and I hated that, but she was very rational in the discussion. We'll have to see where things go from here.

Thanks for all of the good wishes and prayers. Please continue with them!

 

[Nancyg56]

You have such an honest and caring relationship with your DD! If she feels safe enough to discuss her own buding doubts about him, you are doing jour jb well. Continued good wishes for her well being, and your peace of mind.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Good job talking with her! If nothing else you planted the seed and she will have some things to think about. When he reacts to more situations she will hopefully think about what you said and apply them to what you said.

Interesting with my DD, but when she broke up with her boyfriend, he did not want ANY contract with her after that. She ended up back with her old boyfriend (who is still in high school--a VERY nice boy, but too young for her) who she had maintained contact with as friends. I wish that she either wouldn't have a boyfriend or would have a college age boyfriend where she lives, but she's not asking me for advice on the matter and I do like her current boyfriend, even if he is too young. At least they are a good personality match, something that I couldn't say about the last boyfriend she had.

It's hard to watch our kids go through this, isn't it? It's like reliving our young years all over again, but worse.

 

[horseshowmom]

Good job talking with her! If nothing else you planted the seed and she will have some things to think about. When he reacts to more situations she will hopefully think about what you said and apply them to what you said.

Interesting with my DD, but when she broke up with her boyfriend, he did not want ANY contract with her after that. She ended up back with her old boyfriend (who is still in high school--a VERY nice boy, but too young for her) who she had maintained contact with as friends. I wish that she either wouldn't have a boyfriend or would have a college age boyfriend where she lives, but she's not asking me for advice on the matter and I do like her current boyfriend, even if he is too young. At least they are a good personality match, something that I couldn't say about the last boyfriend she had.

It's hard to watch our kids go through this, isn't it? It's like reliving our young years all over again, but worse.

It is hard - really hard, and it's going to make an old woman out of me. I was very proud of DH for how well he handled it. While he wasn't too worried when they first started dating, now he's VERY unhappy with this guy. Considering how he feels, DH was very diplomatic.

If we should be fortunate enough that DD gets to the point of deciding to break up (like your daughter), it would be wonderful if this guy also doesn't want anymore contact. We're concerned about the opposite. In fact, DH said he'd probably take her back and forth to school himself for a few days to make sure there isn't a problem. Of course, he wouldn't follow her around to class, but he'd be in town if she needed him. I'm hoping that she'll think about it and start to notice more and more and then this might play out just about the time she gets out for the summer.

While I don't have any voice in it, I'd love for DD to go back to her old BF (they broke up the middle of last Dec.). I ran into his mother the other day, and she said he's still carrying a torch for DD (big time). We talked about some of their issues, and she said it took them breaking up for him to realize that he should have listened to what she was trying to tell him and dealt with it instead of just thinking everything would work out. They had so much in common and got along incredibly well. More than that, they brought out the good in each other and made a really good pair. But, of course, that's not for me to decide.

 

[horseshowmom]

You have such an honest and caring relationship with your DD! If she feels safe enough to discuss her own buding doubts about him, you are doing jour jb well. Continued good wishes for her well being, and your peace of mind.

Thanks! (especially for the peace of mind part, because right now, my mind is very, very tired! )

 

[ElizaB39]

I am really proud of you and your dh! I wish my parents had talked to me about boyfriends, but I had to figure it all out on my own, and it was hard sometimes.

 

[horseshowmom]

I am really proud of you and your dh! I wish my parents had talked to me about boyfriends, but I had to figure it all out on my own, and it was hard sometimes.

Thanks! Now we'll have to see what happens...

(I'd rather not have to shoot him if I can avoid it! )

 

[Missy1961]

I don't have any advice, but I did want to tell you that she is very lucky to have you guys as parents! (and she sounds like a smart young woman). Good job, mom & dad.

 

[budbeerlady]

The first flag was that he is 7 years older than her. She is a newbie (assuming here) in college, she doesnt need to commit to anyone at that age. She needs to be having fun and should tell him so. At 18 being 7 years older is a big difference.

Why is someone who is 25 interested in an 18yr old and not someone older. Being a former Marine he has some life experience under his belt and would (assuming again) look for the same in a girl friend. At best he is immature (needing to establish BF/GF?) , at worst down right scary! Try to get her to compare the former boyfriend with the current and maybe she will see some issues this new guy has. Prayers and pixie dust to you on this one!

 

[horseshowmom]

Try to get her to compare the former boyfriend with the current and maybe she will see some issues this new guy has. Prayers and pixie dust to you on this one!

I did that (as tactfully as possible). I reminded her that the old BF had given her a purse as part of her Christmas present one year (yes, DD has a thing for purses and shoes! ). I asked her if he ever once commented (or even noticed for that matter) when she carried a different purse than the one he gave her. Of course, the answer was no.

I also asked her about all of the rodeos they attended together (old BF is a team roper) and how often guys flirted with her (she really is pretty - tall and long legged with long, long hair and big brown eyes). I asked her if he ever once questioned her about it. Generally, he'd just laugh and tell them to back off. Once, a guy that she dated 2 or 3 years ago came and sat with her while old BF was roping. She told old BF about it later (because she didn't want there to be any misunderstandings). He just smiled and said, "Oh baby, that's no big thing. Don't even think about it." He wasn't asking, "Do I have anything I need to be worrying about???"

Now that I think about it, maybe I should just go ahead and shoot the guy - how many years do you think I'd get??

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

I hope that everything is going ok. Are there any updates?