Is it just me? Final Update post #83

[horseshowmom]

I need some objective opinions.

DD-18 started dating a new guy (a fellow college student) back in January. After a month of dating, he wanted to establish that they were BF/GF (which I thought was rushing things, but he seemed nice enough although he is 7 years older than her - former Marine).

Several things have come up since then. For instance, when her best friend met him, he immediately decided that the friend didn't like him (which wasn't the case).

Valentine's Day one of his gifts was a cute, small purse. The next week she was carrying another purse that was big enough to carry her books in. He asked her wasn't his purse good enough.

A couple of weeks ago, she went home with him to meet his grandparents and friends from church (she'd already met his dad and said he was very nice). They picked up his best friend and went to a music store. She and the friend were looking at piano music when the BF disappeared. Apparently, he was watching them from somewhere else. When they were alone afterwards, BF commented that she and the friend sure were getting along well and if they went out with the friend, BF would probably have to fight to get the chair next to DD. They were supposed to go out with the friend and his girlfriend that night but didn't (no explanation). BF had also made a point of wanting her to visit his church and meet the people there. They wound up not going (the friend is the youth minister there). The next day on the way home, he asked her if he had anything to worry about concerning the friend. DD laughed and said no. They'd barely met and were both being nice to each other because of him.

She had been considering moving into an apt. at school next Aug. (she commutes about 45 minutes right now but stays over with a friend whenever she wants to do something), but decided not to because of the cost. Currently, she has scholarships that cover everything (tuition, books, gas, meals, spending money, etc.). She doesn't want to incur student loans. Since she's in pharmacy school, she'll have two years after her bachelor's (which is when her scholarships will run out) and will probably have to have student loans then. She's trying to exercise some financial judgement. BF wants her there and insists that she's not moving into the apt. because he says we don't like him (we've gone out of our way to be nice to him).

He complains that he doesn't get to see her enough. She has hard classes and has to spend a lot of time on classwork but has a 4.0 GPA. He only takes 12 hours, so he has a lot more time. He calls a lot, and recently, when he couldn't reach her over a 3 hour period, he left 3 voice mails, text messaged her, and then paged her trying to get her.

He's been to visit his mother this week (she lives out of state) and has commented several times about how since he's gone DD's become a socialite (she and her friend have been doing things together). Last night, they went to a concert, and she said that when she called him aferwards (as instructed), he was pouting and in a bad mood, because "he couldn't see his GF". She told him that it wasn't her fault (he didn't come back from his mother's until today).

It seems to be like she spends a lot of time reassuring him. We have been out of our way to be nice, but he always seems to turn everything around. All of the stuff he says in a "joking" way like he's not really serious, but he says a lot of it. There are quite a few more things, but I think this gives you an idea.

I think the guy has a jealousy problem and seems to be trying to take over her life. She thinks he's just really crazy about her. She's never had a BF that we didn't like, but this guy is really pushing it.

Is it just me? What do you think?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Wow! Sounds like he is a major insecure drama queen!!! At 18, she needs to dump this dead weight and concentrate on school.

 

[ElizaB39]

I had a boyfriend that was like that, total jealousy is what it was in my case. I was TOO nice to his friends, spent too much time with my girlfriends and took time away from him, and I guess I could just retype your post and put my name and etc in place of your DDs.

Of course I am 41 now and have some perspective, but! I even realized that he was jealous and etc at the time but called it love (and in his mind it probably was, who knows), thought his childhood was so tough and that is why he was that way, and that I could "help" him change, thought, it will get better over time, and on and on. Thankfully, I only spent 2 years in that relationship and am so much wiser now.

To me, it just doesn't sound good, and, you can't even use immaturity as an excuse since he is 7 years older... Also, as a former marine you would think that would have given him some maturity?

My difference was that we were the same age and both in college at the time.

Hugs!

 

[Jeafl]

I agree, tell her to RUN! He sounds like he has some major control issues, not to mention a jealousy problem. If he is that bad now, i can imagine how bad he will be in the future.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I'm not sure you are going to like what I'm about to say. After reading what you just posted my first thought was that her BF sounds like he is a powder keg waiting to explode. I may be over reacting, certainly I don't know him, but I just can't help but feel he might get abusive towards your daughter. I would keep an eye on him and keep the lines of comunication with your daughter open.

 

[RitaZ.]

This is supposed to be the "honeymoon" period in a relationship. If this is how he is now, what will he be like as the relationship continues. This guy sounds extremely insecure.

Iyanla Vanzant's words~ When you see "crazy" coming, cross the street". Tell your daughter that it's time to cross the street.

Good luck to your DD.

 

[momof1princess]

i agree with crazyme...granted i'm no expert (aside from the fact that my dad abused my mom for years), but i see a potential abuser in this guy. so it's not just you, honey. PLEASE do everything you can (w/o being too obvious, it'll just push her closer to him) to keep your daughter away from him. best of luck.

 

[ElizaB39]

Well I titled my post "Tell her to run, run, run," but that may drive her into his arms. SO, instead I will advise you to keep talking, have conversations about what it means to love someone and how mature love is demonstrated between two adults and etc.

Peace.

 

[MoniqueU]

My friend is married to a guy like this. He writes out lists of chores for her to do everyday to keep her so occupied she will not have a moment of free time to spend doing anything that is not related to him or their little life. It is sickening. Even when she was sick with cancer she was not allowed to reach out to her friends on the internet. I can't imagine a life like this.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm not sure you are going to like what I'm about to say. After reading what you just posted my first thought was that her BF sounds like he is a powder keg waiting to explode. I may be over reacting, certainly I don't know him, but I just can't help but feel he might get abusive towards your daughter. I would keep an eye on him and keep the lines of comunication with your daughter open.

Don't think I haven't considered this possibility. His mother's 2nd husband was an abuser, and BF (as a young teen) had to pull him off of his mother.

 

[beckmrk04]

i agree with crazyme...granted i'm no expert (aside from the fact that my dad abused my mom for years), but i see a potential abuser in this guy. so it's not just you, honey. PLEASE do everything you can (w/o being too obvious, it'll just push her closer to him) to keep your daughter away from him. best of luck.

I totally agree here.

I have worked in domestic violence, and this is how many relationships start that end up with women being abused. The guy seems so nice, and for a while the jealousy is flattering, but it won't be for long.

Encouarge her to do her own thing, and not live her life for him. And have an honest, open discussion about the possibility. Hopefully we're all wrong, but better safe than sorry.

His behavior is just tooo scary.

 

[horseshowmom]

Well I titled my post "Tell her to run, run, run," but that may drive her into his arms. SO, instead I will advise you to keep talking, have conversations about what it means to love someone and how mature love is demonstrated between two adults and etc.

Peace.

DH and I have discussed this point. BF goes out of his way to do nice things for her and acts like she the greatest thing since sliced bread. If we're too "frank", it may validate what he saying (which isn't true).

We've always been very close and open with each other, so we talk a lot, and I'm grateful for that.

 

[horseshowmom]

To me, it just doesn't sound good, and, you can't even use immaturity as an excuse since he is 7 years older... Also, as a former marine you would think that would have given him some maturity?

I agree. He comes across as very immature to me (particularly considering is age).

 

[Stacerita]

Encouarge her to do her own thing, and not live her life for him. And have an honest, open discussion about the possibility. Hopefully we're all wrong, but better safe than sorry.

His behavior is just tooo scary.

I have to agree with this. She needs to do her own thing and not live her life for him. She can have him in her life, but not have him be her life. Talk with her about your concerns, but try to make sure you do insist she do anything. That might make her run right for him.

 

[horseshowmom]

I totally agree here.

I have worked in domestic violence, and this is how many relationships start that end up with women being abused. The guy seems so nice, and for a while the jealousy is flattering, but it won't be for long.

Encouarge her to do her own thing, and not live her life for him. And have an honest, open discussion about the possibility. Hopefully we're all wrong, but better safe than sorry.

His behavior is just tooo scary.

I've already talked to her about the possibility of this type of thing due to some of the things that have come up. She doesn't think he's being "jealous", because after all, he's just "joking". I don't think so.

At first her dad didn't think it was a big thing, but even he's starting to see it.

She absolutely does not see anything odd in any of it. I think she actually thinks he's being cute. Her last BF (of a year and a half) was very low key(never acted jealous). He adored her, but he would never have acted like this.

I'm soooo glad that she's decided to not move over there now. I'm glad summer is almost here, because he can't afford to come over here more than once a week (lives off student aid).

 

[ElizaB39]

My ex BF flattered me to no end. You are so great, kind and etc. Used to drive me to work AND pick me up. We were in the same major and studied together all the time (I do have to give him some credit for my excellent study habits ). He always wanted to help me and do things for me, but he did so much for me it was just me and him all the time, no time for friends and etc. That is a true reality that your daughter could face. It seems great, but he is not letting her have a life outside of him.

After I dumped him I would refer to him as Jekyll and Hyde, one way with me (he eventually did get very ugly behaviour wise) and one way with everyone else. My good friend's mom told me I used to visit their house and sit on the couch and clutch at a pillow I was so stressed out. Blech!

My mom told me once that she used to lay awake at night and worry about me (and this guy)! My dad told her once, "would you just relax, she is not going to marry the guy!" Whew, thank goodness I didn't. He eventually moved to California, shortly after I graduated from college I was actually going to follow him. He did me the biggest favor and told me not to come, I moved South and on my 23rd birthday I broke up with him. Told him not to call me, follow me, write to me or in anyway shape or form ever get in touch with me again. I WAS FREE! I call that my liberation day!!! It didn't hurt that the hot guy in the apartment across the pool area was after me... hee hee

 

[RitaZ.]

We've always been very close and open with each other, so we talk a lot, and I'm grateful for that.

The fact that your daughter has shared all these details with you, supports that. Based on what you've described, I don't think that you have to worry about saying the "wrong" thing, thus making your daughter "run into his arms". It doesn't sound like you are opposing this relationship. Your daughter is in college doing well and has plans for her future. She has a social life outside of the boyfriend. It's probably flattering to have someone older as a boyfriend. She is noticing the red flags and that's why she has shared her concerns with you. I have a feeling that she will soon tire of his insecurities and need to control her.

 

[horseshowmom]

The fact that your daughter has shared all these details with you, supports that. Based on what you've described, I don't think that you have to worry about saying the "wrong" thing, thus making your daughter "run into his arms". It doesn't sound like you are opposing this relationship. Your daughter is in college doing well and has plans for her future. She has a social life outside of the boyfriend. It's probably flattering to have someone older as a boyfriend. She is noticing the red flags and that's why she has shared her concerns with you. I have a feeling that she will soon tire of his insecurities and need to control her.

This is pretty much what her dad says. We didn't overtly oppose the relationship, because she has always had such incredibly good judgement. Also, she's always been very mature for her age (the last BF - whom we loved - was 4 and a half years older).

I'm hoping that she is seeing and just not acknowledging it to herself yet.


ElizaB39 - He carries her to class too, so she won't have to walk so far. He also wants her around ALL the time.

 

[dmslush]

I am a domestic violence victim legal advocate, and if you daughter were my daughter, I'd be telling her to RUN as fast as she can. Trying to isolate from friends and/or family is one of the basic characteristics of a potentially abusive personality. Here is a list of things to look out for that we give out at the shelter. While all of them probably will not apply except to the most severe cases of abuse, having any of them are definate red flags. If you need information about how to access resources in your area, feel free to PM me.

# JEALOUSY
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her mileage or asking friends to watch her.

# CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

# QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six (6) months before they were married, engaged, or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel guilty or that she's "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off.

# UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs. He expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, or friend. He will say things like "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.

# ISOLATION
The abusive person tries to cut the person off from all resources. If she has men friends, she's a *****. If she has women friends, she's a lesbian. If she's close to family, she's "tied to the apron strings." He accuses people who are the woman's supports of "causing trouble." He may want to live in the country without a phone. He may not let her use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.

# BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS
If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, or out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

# BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS
He will tell the woman, "You make me mad." "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do." "I can't help being angry." He really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but will use feeling to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are claims that, "You make me happy," "You control how I feel."

# HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted. He claims his feelings are "hurt" when really he's very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened - things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with the chores.

# CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper). He may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat the women they are with, also beat their children). He may not want children to eat at the table or expects to keep them in their room all evening while he is home.

# "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He's letting her know that the idea of rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

# VERBAL ABUSE
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, and running down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.

# RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser expects a woman to serve him. He may say the woman must stay at home, and that she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

# DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he's nice and the next he's exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

# ***PAST BATTERING
This person may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses or girlfriends that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman they are with if the woman is with him long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person have an abusive personality.

# ***THREATS OF VIOLENCE
This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that."

# ***BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his fist, and throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is very remarkable behavior. Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their wife or girlfriend.

# ***ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, and any pushing or shoving. They may hold the woman against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me!"

 

[Disney Doll]

I see a controlling guy here. Hopefully, she'll tire of his desire to control every aspect of her life soon, and cease to think it's "cute".

Meanwhile, keep the lines of communication open, and continue to talk to her about mature love and what it means, and trust and independence within a relationship.