Inviting out of town guests to bridal shower

[Gumbo4x4]

I invite people that live far away because you never know if they will be able to come. I have cousins that live out of state but there may be a chance that they are going to be in town anyway or it may just give them an excuse to visit. Just because someone lives far away it doesn't automatically mean they can't or won't attend.

I think it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't, things. Some people think you are looking for a gift while others will be insulted if they're not invited.

^^^This

 

[Luv Bunnies]

When I was asked who I wanted to invite to my baby shower, I did not include people who lived really far away. To me, the purpose of a shower is to give gifts to the honoree. Sending an invitation to someone who you know won't attend is an obvious request for a gift. When the baby was born, I sent the announcements far and wide. That was my way of sharing our good news with everyone we know. Some sent cards and gifts, and some didn't. The purpose of an announcement is to share your news. The purpose of a shower is to give gifts. That's the way I look at it.

 

[AnnaS]

Like I said, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I agree with this 100%.

There are many situations damned if you do, damned if you don't. I am sure I would have my own comment or opinion on whatever the situation might be.

I just recently invited family (maybe one friend) from out of town for my soon to be daughter-in-law's shower. Just want them to know we would love for them to be included in this event. Some will/can travel, some will not/can't. If you invite one, they all need to be invited - just because I know one is definitely not coming, I will not exclude her because then she will have a reason to complain and we don't need many

No seriously - for anyone not attending - I/we are not expecting any gifts - you are not coming - you want to send a card, something small great, if not, that's fine too - same goes for wedding. My thought on it only of course

 

[Andtototoo]

I know there are 2 schools of thought on that. For my bridal and baby showers I did not invite anyone out of town as I knew they would not be able to attend. One of my aunts was extremely offended she didn't get an invite even though she wasn't going to attend..she felt it was wrong to "exclude" her

But on the flip side when you invite out of town people you know can't attend people think you are fishing for gifts and being greedy. Can't really win I don't think and you just have to go with what feels right.

I know someone who recently had a baby shower and did send invites to all out of town family/friends and said they did it in a "thinking of you" way (not that the invite had any special thing that indicated that to the recipient) knowing they couldn't attend.

I think that's a really good solution -- what I bolded.

We live far away from family, so I'm not attending any showers. Heck plane fare is such that we don't come back for all weddings, so I'm certainly not going to come back for a shower. I know that when I receive a shower invitation and it's for someone I'm relatively close to, I feel included. When it's for someone I don't know well or at all, I feel like I'm just being used for a gift grab -- particularly when it's a "greenback shower". Now if a note saying "we were thinking of you" were with the invitation, I'd feel more amenable to it.

 

[luvmy3]

If you *know* darn well that I can't attend the event because of distance and you still send me an invite, then you are looking for a gift.

(Wedding invites not included because people will travel for a wedding.)

i was personally a little offended when I did not get invited to showers for my nieces and nephews since they are out of town. Please give me the opportunity to decide if I am able to make the trip. Thank you very much!

Look at the pp, sometimes you are just darned if you do, darned if you don't. Invariably, someone will be offended.

If I am close enough to someone to know they "can't" make it, I'm still sending them an invite because my relationship with them warrants an invitation for them to be there. I don't care if they can't (or won't come), or if they don't send a gift, I want them to know I wish they could be there. That is what that invitation means to me.
If its Aunt Sue who I see every 5 years and she is 15 hours away, then no I wouldn't send her an invite at all.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with the posters who say that this is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

It was my understanding that bridal shower etiquette dictates that gifts are only expected from people who actually attend the shower, so I would consider the invitation a thoughtful gesture, not a gift grab. If you do not wish to go or send a gift, just send your regrets and your well-wishes.

 

[pigletgirl]

Why wouldn't you? Especially if they are family or close friends?

I sent invites people who lived all over the country, not/I] fishing for gifts but rather that I wanted them to help me celebrate my upcoming marriage. Its an extension from the actual wedding invitation. And yes, they did come for the wedding.

I have been in the opposite shoes too. Sent a card and then a gift off of their registry.

 

[Jennasis]

It's definitely a no-win situation.

 

[onelilspark]

It depends on the person I think.

We had out of town guests invited to my shower because almost everyone was out of town But my bridesmaids kept the list fairly short -- only the people that I was close with, not every female on the wedding invite list. Most came, except some of my college friends who would have needed to take a plane. I've been invited to all of their showers, even though I would need to fly as well. Most of the time I decline, but send a gift. They've done the same thing.

I was recently invited to a shower where I'm friends with the groom. I don't know the bride that well (we've met maybe 3 times?) and I don't know any of her friends. I thought it was weird to be invited. (Shower in Philadelphia) So I declined and didn't send a gift.

Then I got one a month later for a shower for by my husband's friend's bride. (Shower in Vermont) I've met the bride and groom once. So I thought it had to be a gift grab, but after talking with my husband I learned that apparently the groom's mother is notorious for inviting everyone to everything. So again I declined and didn't send a gift.

ETA: My Maid of Honor and I had quite the discussion with my husband about inviting his Grandmother. We knew she wouldn't travel, weren't looking for a gift, but didn't want her to feel like we wouldn't have wanted her there. My husband was worried about her thinking that she needed to send a gift. I was worried about making her feel included. In the end, we included her on the guest list, but spoke to his Mom about making sure she knew that we knew she probably wouldn't be able to come and wanted to her to know if she could, she was absolutely wanted to be there but weren't looking for a gift. I think it was the best solution.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

Listen try not to see the "bad" side to every thing. maybe sis just made up a general master list of all relatives and is using that for every thing, Maybe sis didn't send out the invites at all.

I don't see the bad side to everything. Not sure why you posted that? I was curious about this topic and since the disboards was very helpful with my other wedding question, I figured I'd ask here again.

Let me ask you, if you are not close to this person why are you sending a gift?

I don't know! I guess I shouldn't send a gift then, maybe just a nice card. I always figured that if someone invites to you a party (birthday, shower, baby, etc.) you send a gift if you can't attend.

Here's what I think. Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of love between 2 people. Me myself, would not want a gift from some one I really know and some one who I am not especially close to. How phoney is that? I did get gifts from some of my mothers life long friends who I did not know but they were very close friends of my parents and I appreciated the well wishes.

I agree, weddings are a celebration. But this shower invite just kind of confused me. I'm not close to this cousin, haven't seen her in over four years and we don't ever talk or corrospond. So I wasn't expecting to be invited anyway.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

It depends on the person I think.

We had out of town guests invited to my shower because almost everyone was out of town But my bridesmaids kept the list fairly short -- only the people that I was close with, not every female on the wedding invite list. Most came, except some of my college friends who would have needed to take a plane. I've been invited to all of their showers, even though I would need to fly as well. Most of the time I decline, but send a gift. They've done the same thing.

I was recently invited to a shower where I'm friends with the groom. I don't know the bride that well (we've met maybe 3 times?) and I don't know any of her friends. I thought it was weird to be invited. (Shower in Philadelphia) So I declined and didn't send a gift.

Then I got one a month later for a shower for by my husband's friend's bride. (Shower in Vermont) I've met the bride and groom once. So I thought it had to be a gift grab, but after talking with my husband I learned that apparently the groom's mother is notorious for inviting everyone to everything. So again I declined and didn't send a gift.

ETA: My Maid of Honor and I had quite the discussion with my husband about inviting his Grandmother. We knew she wouldn't travel, weren't looking for a gift, but didn't want her to feel like we wouldn't have wanted her there. My husband was worried about her thinking that she needed to send a gift. I was worried about making her feel included. In the end, we included her on the guest list, but spoke to his Mom about making sure she knew that we knew she probably wouldn't be able to come and wanted to her to know if she could, she was absolutely wanted to be there but weren't looking for a gift. I think it was the best solution.

Thank you! This was very insightful. As I said, I'm not close with this cousin at all so I was confused as to why I would be invited, given that I live so far away too. I'm going to decline but will probably just send a nice card.

I would take it as only a nice gesture to be included, if the invitations weren't printed with all of the places she's registered at. Actually, I'm just going to take it as a kind gesture anyway.

 

[msjprincess]

I don't see the bad side to everything. Not sure why you posted that? I was curious about this topic and since the disboards was very helpful with my other wedding question, I figured I'd ask here again.



I don't know! I guess I shouldn't send a gift then, maybe just a nice card. I always figured that if someone invites to you a party (birthday, shower, baby, etc.) you send a gift if you can't attend.



I agree, weddings are a celebration. But this shower invite just kind of confused me. I'm not close to this cousin, haven't seen her in over four years and we don't ever talk or corrospond. So I wasn't expecting to be invited anyway.

Are you her only cousin? If she's inviting other cousins I can understand not leaving one cousin out just because you're not close.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

Are you her only cousin? If she's inviting other cousins I can understand not leaving one cousin out just because you're not close.

No, there's plenty of us cousins! But we all live far away. The closest one to her is about 2 hours or so. The rest of us are scattered across the US.

This is going to sound soooo snarky but this cousin is quite a prima donna. She has champagne taste, that's what my family says. But she's very hard to get close to since she looks down her nose at us. We're just not on the same wavelength at all which again, is why I'm surprised I was invited.

 

[luvmy3]

No, there's plenty of us cousins! But we all live far away. The closest one to her is about 2 hours or so. The rest of us are scattered across the US.

This is going to sound soooo snarky but this cousin is quite a prima donna. She has champagne taste, that's what my family says. But she's very hard to get close to since she looks down her nose at us. We're just not on the same wavelength at all which again, is why I'm surprised I was invited.

I'm not sure she is the one inviting you, the hostess of the party may be the one. Also, if its a family member I could see how you as a cousin would get an invite. I know there would not be any cousins left off the guest list in my family, no matter the distance. Of course we are all close so that is definitely why, but there may have been pressure from a family member to make sure the cousins were invited in your case.

 

[onelilspark]

Thank you! This was very insightful. As I said, I'm not close with this cousin at all so I was confused as to why I would be invited, given that I live so far away too. I'm going to decline but will probably just send a nice card.

I would take it as only a nice gesture to be included, if the invitations weren't printed with all of the places she's registered at. Actually, I'm just going to take it as a kind gesture anyway.

I'm glad it helped! I think in this case a nice card is a great way to go!

The only place where it's considered acceptable to send registry information along with the invitation is for the shower. Mainly because it's kind of the point to a shower and it shouldn't be hosted by the person receiving the gifts. (Since I just did all this and my family is big on etiquette, I have a ton of useless wedding etiquette knowledge being stored in my head right now!)

Another thing I thought of was that on the one I was invited to where I'm friends with the groom, I learned it was a surprise shower. Which means the person throwing it probably didn't consult the bride on who should be invited and probably invited most of the women on the guest list. So there's another reason people invite out of town guests

I think the best way to determine whether or not to send a gift is to ask yourself, if this person were local, would I go to the shower? If the answer is yes, sending a gift is probably the right move. If the answer is no, then I wouldn't worry about sending a gift.