Inviting one of daughter's friends but not the other

[Summer2018]

My teen daughter has two very close friends, and the three of them are kind of inseparable.

Kid A (Radiohead fans? ) has been friends with my daughter since birth. Kid A is relatively level-headed, well-mannered, knows how to act properly in public, and requires no more supervision than my own daughter would. That is to say, "not much".

Kid B is a nice kid, but she comes from a much different background. Family is a little "rough around the edges" (at least, in our opinion), and has a different perspective on what's allowable public behavior and what is not. Kid A is kind of manic and can be unpredictable. Tends to deviate from instructions. Yells at the top of her lungs a lot at inappropriate times. We're not huge sticklers on cursing, but Kid B sometimes does so, loudly, in front of our younger kids. Never deliberately, never maliciously - she's just been raised by parents with different sensibilities. In short, while Kid A is a good friend to our daughter, we nonetheless find her to be a "handful" to deal with, especially in public.

We are very close with Kid A and want to invite her on our next cruise. We like Kid B, too, but we really don't want to invite her, because it will not be a relaxing trip for us if we are constantly needing to redirect her behavior.

That said, we don't want to hurt Kid B's feelings by being excluded. My daughter recognizes and agrees with our concerns, but worries about harming her relationship with Kid B. It would be impossible to take Kid A without Kid B finding out, and we don't want to ask anyone to lie.

The two obvious solutions are to either a.) take neither Kid A nor Kid B, and avoid the issue altogether; or b.) just bite the bullet and take both of them. But I'd like to come up with a third option where we take Kid A without making Kid B feel bad.

I know everyone's different, and will have different opinions on stuff like this, but I'm guessing some of you have faced similar situations. How would you address to let down Kid B as easily as possible?

Kids are different on vacation than they are in their normal environment.

We brought DD’s BFF to Disney, and we really regret it. Turns out that the girl who was awesome on sleepovers and day trips became a real annoying handful on a 10-day vacation in WDW. All of the conversations, group planning sessions, menu viewing, and trips to the Travel Agent did nothing to prepare us for extended time with her. Her personality changed dramatically. Her behavior became erratic. We bent over backwards to accommodate her needs, but she was still difficult. By the time we got home, the friendship was over.

Think twice before you do anything.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

When my wife and I did a Med./WBTA without our kids/gkids, three of the gkids were not happy (it was during school and way to long for them to take off). However, we told them we would take them with us anyway, ala Flat Stanley (look it up if you don't know about him). Our son-in-law photoshopped the faces of all five of them onto images of their favorite princesses (and prince). When we were in Parc Gruell in Barcelona we pulled them out (about 7" tall) and took photos of them by the signature lizard...likewise on Punta Delgada, at the leaning tower of Pisa, etc.
Perhaps you folks could do the same with Kid B and mention that you might take her on a future (when she calms down a bit) cruise. In the meantime, take photos of Kid B with Kid A and your daughter on various adventures on the cruise and show them to her when you return, maybe even do a small scrapbook. Good luck!

Not to change the subject, but on a Disney cruise a few years ago, a family did this. It was so fun to watch them. We saw them all over the ship. They had a blown up picture of a man in his 20's maybe? They had it on a stick. Every group photo they took he was in it, they would hold the stick out in front of something in the background and snap a picture. It was somewhat sad to me, because I felt like maybe he was a family member who had passed, and they were bringing him along. I am happy to read your post. Now I will just believe he was someone they left at home, but included him in their trip.

 

[elle21]

When my wife and I did a Med./WBTA without our kids/gkids, three of the gkids were not happy (it was during school and way to long for them to take off). However, we told them we would take them with us anyway, ala Flat Stanley (look it up if you don't know about him). Our son-in-law photoshopped the faces of all five of them onto images of their favorite princesses (and prince). When we were in Parc Gruell in Barcelona we pulled them out (about 7" tall) and took photos of them by the signature lizard...likewise on Punta Delgada, at the leaning tower of Pisa, etc.
Perhaps you folks could do the same with Kid B and mention that you might take her on a future (when she calms down a bit) cruise. In the meantime, take photos of Kid B with Kid A and your daughter on various adventures on the cruise and show them to her when you return, maybe even do a small scrapbook. Good luck!

Please do not do this. While fine and cute and funny for some situations, this is not one of them. My in-laws have two kids...daughter and son, (my DH) They took their daughter and her family/ kids on a Florida vacation and went to Disney. They did not invite us. My kids were dying to go to Disney at the time, but we couldn’t afford it. It was so incredibly hurtful. They sent postcards to my kids. I threw them away before my kids could see them.
I would invite neither on the cruise. Find a different trip that you feel comfortable inviting both.

 

[lklgoodman]

The relevant difference is the OP’s story involved family where the love and acceptance is unconditional. The OP’s situation/question involves an emotional teenager who’s self esteem could be damaged.

I'm a little confused why you responded to my post. I was saying the same thing as you, doing the Flat Stanley would be harmful and shouldn't happen.

 

[Auntrosie]

I'm a little confused why you responded to my post. I was saying the same thing as you, doing the Flat Stanley would be harmful and shouldn't happen.

Agreeing with you but for a different reason.

 

[lklgoodman]

Agreeing with you but for a different reason.

Ok, thanks for responding. I thought maybe my response was coming off differently than how I wanted it to.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Please do not do this. While fine and cute and funny for some situations, this is not one of them. My in-laws have two kids...daughter and son, (my DH) They took their daughter and her family/ kids on a Florida vacation and went to Disney. They did not invite us. My kids were dying to go to Disney at the time, but we couldn’t afford it. It was so incredibly hurtful. They sent postcards to my kids. I threw them away before my kids could see them.
I would invite neither on the cruise. Find a different trip that you feel comfortable inviting both.

I'm not shy, I would have asked the in-laws straight out why my kids were excluded. I wouldn't care about the adults, but no way in hell would I let that happen without an explanation. Then they had the nerve to send post cards? GGGGRRRRRR

 

[DCL Repeaters]

OP, I was child B once upon a time, not because of behavior but because my parents couldn’t afford the trip. Bring neither. Broaden your child’s world by allowing her to meet new friends on the cruise. Make this a family vacation with family memories to be made.

 

[aggiedog]

There is no way this can end well by bringing only one friend, no matter what the rationalization.

IMHO, it really isn't a family vacation if you bring 2 friends with your dd, unless you really hadn't planned on spending much one on one time with your dd to begin with. As my kids get older, I really value that time where there are no other distractions and I can really interact with my kids for prolonged periods of time.

 

[party-of-five]

Kids are different on vacation than they are in their normal environment.

We brought DD’s BFF to Disney, and we really regret it. Turns out that the girl who was awesome on sleepovers and day trips became a real annoying handful on a 10-day vacation in WDW. All of the conversations, group planning sessions, menu viewing, and trips to the Travel Agent did nothing to prepare us for extended time with her. Her personality changed dramatically. Her behavior became erratic. We bent over backwards to accommodate her needs, but she was still difficult. By the time we got home, the friendship was over.

Think twice before you do anything.

We had a similar situation with my kid sister (20 years younger than me!) When she was 13 we took her to Disney World with us on a family vacation. What a nightmare it turned out to be. Overnight she went from a seemingly strong, independent, courteous kid sister to a demanding, homesick, drama queen. It was a rough week. My point is that you never know with kids.

OP, I sense you’re looking for ways to bring kid A along without hurting kid B’s feelings but I’m not sure that’s possible. I’m in the camp of bring no one, and make this an enjoyable family vacation. With the money you save, maybe do a weekend getaway with all 3 girls? It sounds like Kid B would benefit from time with your family and positive opportunities to work on social skills.

 

[vegs1]

Please do not do this. While fine and cute and funny for some situations, this is not one of them. My in-laws have two kids...daughter and son, (my DH) They took their daughter and her family/ kids on a Florida vacation and went to Disney. They did not invite us. My kids were dying to go to Disney at the time, but we couldn’t afford it. It was so incredibly hurtful. They sent postcards to my kids. I threw them away before my kids could see them.
I would invite neither on the cruise. Find a different trip that you feel comfortable inviting both.

Is it possible the daughter invited the parents to go? I know this happened to a friend and they thought they had been excluded when, in fact, the sibling had invited the parents along. A lot was assumed and feelings were hurt.

In any case, being excluded is not fun.

 

[Tattylou]

Bring neither A nor B.
If your daughter really wants a "friend" to come, is there a cousin or close family friend she could bring instead? I'm an only child and my cousin always came with us.

 

[nutshell]

I guess I’m in the minority here. If you believe Kid B can step up then take both. BUT, Kid B’s inability to step up should not deprive your daughter of the amazing time she’d have if Kid A was on the cruise. Will there be hurt feelings? Sure. But going on a cruise is not an entitlement. Sometimes you get the promotion. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you get the nice house or car. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you’re invited to the dinner party. Sometimes you aren’t. That’s life, and a lesson we all end up learning sooner or later.

 

[Lisa F]

Thanks to all for the feedback. It collectively confirms what I already suspected - this is an "all or nothing" situation here.

Agree it is an all or nothing situation but maybe there is a shorter, less overhead, less expensive thing you could do with all 3 at some point in the future... A cruise is too much of a big ticket item to be stress inducing with someone else's kid so I'd vote family only in this case.

 

[Lisa F]

I guess I’m in the minority here. If you believe Kid B can step up then take both. BUT, Kid B’s inability to step up should not deprive your daughter of the amazing time she’d have if Kid A was on the cruise. Will there be hurt feelings? Sure. But going on a cruise is not an entitlement. Sometimes you get the promotion. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you get the nice house or car. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you’re invited to the dinner party. Sometimes you aren’t. That’s life, and a lesson we all end up learning sooner or later.

I don't know about you but I personally would not feel good about teaching a 13 year old girl at that fragile age that kind of a lesson. Yes everyone learns it at SOME point, but it seems gratuitously cruel to do that a kid who is a good friend to your daughter knowing you're doing it. Stuff happens but as an adult I'd never purposely do this to a child and try to pass it off as a good thing to teach them a life lesson.

 

[squirk]

I guess I’m in the minority here. If you believe Kid B can step up then take both. BUT, Kid B’s inability to step up should not deprive your daughter of the amazing time she’d have if Kid A was on the cruise. Will there be hurt feelings? Sure. But going on a cruise is not an entitlement. Sometimes you get the promotion. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you get the nice house or car. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you’re invited to the dinner party. Sometimes you aren’t. That’s life, and a lesson we all end up learning sooner or later.

Thanks, but I don't think that's a lesson I want to teach a 13-year old girl with a really crappy home life and living on the low end of the financial spectrum.

She certainly doesn't need to hear it from me. I don't think she needs to hear it at all right now.

 

[Donna M]

I'd go with the family only vacation trip. My biggest concern would be that you are going to be out of the country with a child that can be unpredictable. What if she runs off in a foreign city, or yells something that is misinterpreted, or culturally unacceptable. Talk about stress. I agree with all those that said it would be cruel to invite only child A, they are all too young to process that.

It is a family vacation that is already causing some stress because you know Child B well. It is your vacation to enjoy and relax too.

 

[elle21]

I'm not shy, I would have asked the in-laws straight out why my kids were excluded. I wouldn't care about the adults, but no way in hell would I let that happen without an explanation. Then they had the nerve to send post cards? GGGGRRRRRR

Is it possible the daughter invited the parents to go? I know this happened to a friend and they thought they had been excluded when, in fact, the sibling had invited the parents along. A lot was assumed and feelings were hurt.

In any case, being excluded is not fun.

I could never ask them...I know they don’t owe us a vacation...but it still hurts. and I have come to expect differences in how they treat our kids vs the cousins. We are not the favorites.
Yes I do think it was probably SIL’s idea...she comes up with ideas and her parents sponsor them.

 

[nutshell]

Now I see why we have a whole generation with entitlement problems.

 

[kylaura]

Neither, make it family vacation. There are plenty of things to do for your daughter at the VIBE. Join the Facebook group and let her meet up with kids ahead of time. They usually start a chat or she can start the chat. My daughter is only child and that's why she loves cruise, gets to meet new people. Having a chat ahead of time and having someone to look forward to meeting really helps.