Inviting one of daughter's friends but not the other

[Carrie in AZ]

Neither kid. Your daughter will meet plenty of new friends in the Club once on board. I am the Mom of two teen girls so trust me on this. Also, they are inseparable now but they will not be if you take one on a cruise and not the other. Again, trust me on this.

 

[vegs1]

You’ve mentioned that Kid B’s parents can’t afford sending her. If you are offering to bring both girls, are you planning on paying for both? Excursions? Incidentals? Airfare? It adds up whether it is one person or three. Even asking puts a lot on the families as their kids will be utterly disappointed if the parents say no.

You are responsible totally for this person and if they are unpredictable in their behaviour, maybe a cruise ship isn’t the place to be their guardian without their parents along.

I think I would pass on friends coming along at this point and wait until they are a bit older. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[FigmentSpark]

Maybe to help you decide, how would your daughter feel if Kid A's parents were taking Kid B on a great trip and not her? Furthermore, how would she feel if she inevitably found out that it was because of her behaviour, which isn't awful, just not to the "standard" of the parents?

You will have your answer when you put your daughter in Kid B's place and you in the place of her mother having to explain it to her.

 

[Mainsail Minnie]

You will have your answer when you put your daughter in Kid B's place and you in the place of her mother having to explain it to her.

Amen.

 

[squirk]

Maybe to help you decide, how would your daughter feel if Kid A's parents were taking Kid B on a great trip and not her? Furthermore, how would she feel if she inevitably found out that it was because of her behaviour, which isn't awful, just not to the "standard" of the parents?

You will have your answer when you put your daughter in Kid B's place and you in the place of her mother having to explain it to her.

To give you a little more context, if my daughter was in the regular habit of yelling "Jesus f***ing Christ!" at the top of her lungs in public whenever she was surprised, startled or outraged by something, I would not be unsympathetic toward Kid A's parents' decision.

We're not snobs with super-high standards. But there is a line as to what is acceptable public behavior and what is not. And correcting something like that over and over - for example, in the MDR with loads of other families and little kids around - would get really old really quick.

 

[squirk]

Thanks to all for the feedback. It collectively confirms what I already suspected - this is an "all or nothing" situation here.

 

[Mainsail Minnie]

To give you a little more context, if my daughter was in the regular habit of yelling "Jesus f***ing Christ!" at the top of her lungs in public whenever she was surprised, startled or outraged by something, I would not be unsympathetic toward Kid A's parents' decision.

The child is a child. Her way of speaking is a result of her upbringing. It is not a mature, informed choice that she is making, to speak inappropriately. Her actual character, apart from her manners, is good, by your description.

I am totally sympathetic about not wanting to take a difficult child on vacation. I wouldn't do it myself & I advise you not to. But at the same time, that child should not be pointedly excluded, which would be the case if the other child went and she were left out. That would be cruel & I hope you don't make that choice.

 

[squirk]

The child is a child. Her way of speaking is a result of her upbringing. It is not a mature, informed choice that she is making, to speak inappropriately. Her actual character, apart from her manners, is good, by your description.

I am totally sympathetic about not wanting to take a difficult child on vacation. I wouldn't do it myself & I advise you not to. But at the same time, that child should not be pointedly excluded, which would be the case if the other child went and she were left out. That would be cruel & I hope you don't make that choice.

If I didn't care about Kid B's feelings, I never would have bothered with this post. And, no, I do not blame her at all for how she was raised.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

Thanks to all for the feedback. It collectively confirms what I already suspected - this is an "all or nothing" situation here.

I would say that it goes beyond “all or nothing” - you need to think carefully whether you are prepared to take responsibility for Kid B, given her behaviour.

It’s a different situation but I have 5 nieces and a nephew, and only 3 of those kids would I be prepared to take on vacation without their parents (and have done). I’m not sufficiently confident in the behaviour of the other 3 that I would be willing to take on responsibility for them. The parents of one have asked us to take their child on an upcoming weekend trip and I refused, saying that this kid’s behaviour is such that I don’t trust them to behave in an acceptable manner, so it would be neither fun nor safe.

 

[Rob1872]

But there is a line as to what is acceptable public behavior and what is not. And correcting something like that over and over - for example, in the MDR with loads of other families and little kids around - would get really old really quick.

You've just answered your own question. Don't bring both, and don't bring one friend unless you want to destroy the friendship with the other.

 

[Mainsail Minnie]

Thanks to all for the feedback. It collectively confirms what I already suspected - this is an "all or nothing" situation here.

Sounds good.

 

[Snow White DPMP]

First you have me a bit confused since you interchanged A and B in what I assume was only supposed to be B.
If B really is the only one you were talking about who doesn't know how to act in public and is manic etc then I would personally not invite kid B.
On a ship that unpredictable behavior could become a problem.

Inviting both could get messy. What if kid A and B end up not getting along well on the ship?
What if kid B pressures kid A to be unpredictable?
What if one of them ends up not being able to go and then is upset anyways?

I would choose to invite kid A or neither.

I'm sure your daughter could make friends on the ship anyways so its not like it will be hurting her much if neither are invited.

 

[squirk]

First you have me a bit confused since you interchanged A and B in what I assume was only supposed to be B.
If B really is the only one you were talking about who doesn't know how to act in public and is manic etc then I would personally not invite kid B.
On a ship that unpredictable behavior could become a problem.

Inviting both could get messy. What if kid A and B end up not getting along well on the ship?
What if kid B pressures kid A to be unpredictable?
What if one of them ends up not being able to go and then is upset anyways?

I would choose to invite kid A or neither.

I'm sure your daughter could make friends on the ship anyways so its not like it will be hurting her much if neither are invited.

Kid A = well-behaved kid
Kid B = good-hearted kid; not willfully disobedient, but unruly to the point of often being socially inappropriate
Kids A & B and my daughter all get along famously.

I can't think of a way to invite Kid A without hurting Kid B, so I guess I'm going to invite neither.

 

[quickcat]

You are so nice to entertain the idea of bringing your daughters friends along.
BUT- I have the perfect solution: my family is nice and well behaved, we are fun to hang out with too- take us!!
All kidding aside- have a wonderful trip regardless of who you bring.

 

[FigmentSpark]

Is there a chance that all three families might go? If they could all go, then that would be the best for your daughter, as their parents, or at least a parent would be there too.

 

[squirk]

You are so nice to entertain the idea of bringing your daughters friends along.
BUT- I have the perfect solution: my family is nice and well behaved, we are fun to hang out with too- take us!!
All kidding aside- have a wonderful trip regardless of who you bring.

When I hit the Powerball, you will be the first person I PM.

Thank you!

 

[squirk]

Is there a chance that all three families might go? If they could all go, then that would be the best for your daughter, as their parents, or at least a parent would be there too.

Nope. Someone else asked the same question earlier. Kid A's parents don't dig cruising (even though Kid A would love to go). Kid B's family can't afford it.

Despite our concerns, we are fond of Kid B, and I would love to give her this experience if it didn't detract from the rest of my family's vacation or that of our fellow passengers. But this has been a long-standing issue with her. We are "used to it" when she visits our house, but it's a whole 'nother ballgame on a cruise.

 

[scrapbookjulie]

I have an only child and bringing her friend with on the last cruise for us really made it a fabulous trip for all of us. Not that we didn't have great trips with just the 3 of us as well...but having a friend with for DD just made the trip so much more fun for her and gave my husband and I a lot more freedom to do the things we wanted to do as well. So even though I hear what everyone is saying and agree with a lot of it, I don't like that your daughter almost gets "punished" by having to go the all or nothing route.

In that situation, I would tell my daughter to make me the bad guy...that I was only allowing her to bring one friend for space/cost/logistical reasons. That she wanted to bring both friends but had to draw a name out of a hat and Kid A won. That she really will miss having Kid B there so she wants to do a special sleepover/movie/spa/shopping/whatever night with Kid B so they have some fun memories as well.

That's what I'd do. Not a perfect solution. But neither is the all or nothing solution! LOL

Edited to add: DD is bringing her BFF #1 on our next cruise with us summer 2020. BF #2 is going with us to Houston for a few days over spring break. Neither one seems mad or jealous that they weren't selected for the other trip. It hasn't hurt either friendship. But they're a couple years older and very nice level headed girls, so maturity might factor into that!

 

[MomOTwins]

I think you are being a bit too self-conscious about Child B's behavior. I heard plenty of loud yells and cursing on our Disney cruises. It's not first class on the Titanic. What you are suggesting to do to this girl by inviting another equally close friend but not her, and doing so either because she is poor (which is not an "out" because telling her that is the reason would likely be even more hurtful than making it about her cursing) or because she is a bit loud and (like a huge segment of america) curses sometimes seems far far more hurtful than any mild embarrassment that you might feel.

I also note, that I have some concern with the suggestion that A's parents should pay for their daughter's cruise fare. That seems odd; why would the parents pay for their child to go on a vacation without them? You would be basically asking them to pay hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars so that your daughter can have company. And if the parents say no they are put in the awkward spot of being the "mean" parents who won't let their daughter go. I think if you are inviting someone else's child to join your family somewhere: whether to dinner, a theme park, or a cruise vacation, you should expect to pay.

 

[braysmommy]

I'd leave both of the friends home. You are a brave woman to even think about bringing extra 13 yr olds on vacation with you. I have one and that is enough!