Invited to Family Destination Wedding, to go or not to go?

[The Mystery Machine]

I do appreciate everyone's opinions. I'm not going to call him right away for one major reason, he seemed completely clueless that he needs his ex's permission to take his 2 minor kids out of the country. This could definitely an issue, she's not very accomadating. She's been remarried for a few years herself, but well, I don't know why she's so difficult, lol. I told him today he needed to look it up, the kids don't have passports yet, we'll see if she even ok's that.
My parents and my brother and his fiancé always vacation in Mexico, so I don't think they understand that we don't want to, if you know what I mean. My parents are headed there in 2 weeks even. I can't go with just DH and myself because we'd only leave the kids with my parents or my brother, we are all local. I will check later in the week once everyone has heard their plans and see what they (other relatives) are thinking about it. I do appreciate all opinions!

That is not a reason to wait to call him. That is HIS problem.

I would not wait but that is jmo. The sooner he knows, the better.

My brother just got married over 4th of July at a "destination wedding" and invited NO ONE. We all survived.My mom was super pissed, but she got over it.

 

[sam_gordon]

How close is your relationship with your brother? The tipping point for me is that it's his second wedding. If it's a first wedding, I think I'd attend. I think the background of the relationship is needed to determine whether Disney trumps this.

My family declined going to a cousin's destination wedding a number of years ago. But it was a cousin I hadn't seen in over a decade and had no real ties to. A sibling would have been different.

I'd try to find out some more information about where the wedding would be held. Assuming it's some kind of AI resort, a family can have fun. I know this is blasphemy around here, but Disney isn't the only place a family can have fun on vacation.

And giving over a year notice to "get your money in order" is not a bad thing.

My .02

 

[portia9]

For us, family and friends are scattered all over the country and world. Pretty much any wedding we attend, we need to fly to get there and get a hotel room. We do not live the life where all family and friends reside in the same community. So, if I am going to fly somewhere anyway, it might as well be somewhere fun like Mexico.

I would NEVER miss a brother or sister's wedding. NEVER. I would find a way to go. Even if just I went and not my husband and kids, I would go to a family wedding.

This for me too. If the whole family couldn't go then I would go alone. But I would appreciate the notice the OP's brother has given and attempt to get us all there. It's not just a vacation, it's a special family event.

 

[Janepod]

Why do so many people think a second wedding is less important than a first wedding? It's still a special day, a new start, and a happy occasion for the new family.

 

[portia9]

Why do so many people think a second wedding is less important than a first wedding? It's still a special day, a new start, and a happy occasion for the new family.

That was rubbing me the wrong way too.

 

[sam_gordon]

Why do so many people think a second wedding is less important than a first wedding? It's still a special day, a new start, and a happy occasion for the new family.

I think it's all of those... a special day, a new start, a happy occasion, and yes, "less important". YMMV

 

[SaraJayne]

Same here. My family is very close and large and very important to me. I wouldn't miss my brother's wedding for the world and would be VERY grateful that he gave me a year's notice. A family vacation, with family, to celebrate a wedding is where I would want to be.

This would go for any of my nieces and nephews weddings too.

Even if it was a *gasp* SECOND wedding!

I find the attitude about second weddings in this thread very amusing, considering how many people on the Dis (and in general) have been married more than once.

 

[joviroxx]

I think that this is one of those questions that just depends on your own family and family dynamics. I know in my family, I would cancel plans and attend. In my DH's family, maybe not (which I think is sad, but not my business).

Between my siblings, spouses, kids, parents, we are 22. We never miss birthdays, communions, holidays, confirmations, graduations, etc. It's how we roll so not going to a wedding would seem just wrong to me but I realize other families are different.

OP, you will get many different opinions, all coming from people's own upbringing, family dynamics and family history. Good luck with your decision, I'm sure you will make the right one for your family.

 

[joviroxx]

Even if it was a *gasp* SECOND wedding!

I find the attitude about second weddings in this thread very amusing, considering how many people on the Dis (and in general) have been married more than once.

Yep, even a second one LOL! Id figure, phew, he got out of the bad one, let's celebrate and hope for a good one! Hey, I'm a second wife! I'd hate to think DH's family wouldn't have considered our wedding to have been just as important as his first (which only lasted 3 years and we are going on 16!)

 

[Bob NC]

I would go to the wedding, not bring the rest of my family, and find another relative to share a room with.

 

[luvmy3]

Why do so many people think a second wedding is less important than a first wedding? It's still a special day, a new start, and a happy occasion for the new family.

I don't think its less important to the couple getting married, but to me its less important to attend it. Its not exactly a once in a lifetime event that you just can't miss.

 

[mjkacmom]

I spent close to $8,000 on my sister's destination wedding, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. She is my sister. Now, if I really couldn't afford it, I wouldn't put my own family's finances in danger, but I wouldn't miss it so I could go back to WDW. A week in Mexico sounds nice, and it's really fun to be there with the whole family for a special event.

You have plenty of time to get passports - everyone should really have them anyway. We haven't been on vacation in close to 2 years, and don't have one planned until November. It's not the end of the world.

Sometimes you make sacrifices for the sake of family (and a week in Mexico doesn't sound like a week on a chain gang). It's good to let kids experience different things, as well.

 

[Pigeon]

I'd tell my brother immediately that there is no way we're going to make the wedding so that he wouldn't be surprised later on. In fact, when he made the crack about getting your money in order, I'd be at him.

If you want to have a destination wedding, that's your choice. Your wedding is not my vacation. My vacation is my vacation. I think expecting people to plan their time and their budget around your wedding is both unrealistic and quite frankly rude.

I wouldn't go alone. I'd send regrets and a gift and call it a day. And there would be zero guilt about it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am basing my response on my family relationships and my relationship with my brother.

I would not be able to miss his wedding...even a 2nd wedding. I might not necessarily bring the whole family, but as his sister, I would feel the need to be there. So therefore I would have appreciated his heads up that there would be being a wedding somewhere where I would have to save $$ to attend, because there are always little ways to save some money. Perhaps the money conversation was a bit awkward, but unless the OP comes back & says that her brother is a horrible selfish rotten person, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to do something helpful by letting her know way in advance.

Now, that being said, I would feel the need to be there. I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to spend money to bring my entire family. I'd probably be flying there for the amount of days required to attend the wedding but not planning to stay longer for a vacation...let's assume 3 days...fly in the day before, you're there the day of the wedding, then fly home the next day. If there were another person I would be comfortable rooming with I'd try to set that up to split the cost of the room. It could probably be done relatively inexpensively. Nohting says you have to bring a wedding gift. You can always send them something nice a while later, if money is an issue in terms of the travel + a gift.

But again, this all depends on the relationship one has with one's sibling. My brother's 2nd wedding (not a destination) was actually more significant than his first wedding because he and his 2nd wife have been together for FAR longer than he and his 1st wife. And the reason for the demise of his 1st marriage was because she cheated on him. So the whole "2nd wedding" thing probably wouldn't much come into play for me. Maybe once someone started getting into 3rd, 4th or 5th weddings I might be a little less apt to attend, but it would still depend on the circumstances. And most of the people I know wouldn't have a big hoop-de-la for a 3rd, 4th or 5th wedding, so it probably wouldn't be an issue. But I still wouldn't think "Not the 1st wedding so I don't need to go".

If there is the possibility that this may not happen as brother hopes (ex-wife not allowing the children to go) & the plans might change, I might wait a bit & see how everything shakes out before I get everyone all riled up about me going vs. not going. He just called you the other day, the wedding is still a long way off, waiting a bit to let the dust settle isn't going to be a major issue. If his plans have to change to a non-destination, then no one would ever need to know that there was a question of your attendance.

I'd use this time to research the cost of flying to and staying @ the wedding site for the amount of time I feel I would need to be there. If other family (ie-Mom) says anything you can always say "I am researching whether or not this will be doa-able for me". It's not yes and it's not no. It's "I don't know", because at this point, you really don't know. There are still some things up in the air. But it also puts the "word" out that you might not be able to do it.

 

[sam_gordon]

I am basing my response on my family relationships and my relationship with my brother.

I would not be able to miss his wedding...even a 2nd wedding. I might not necessarily bring the whole family, but as his sister, I would feel the need to be there. So therefore I would have appreciated his heads up that there would be being a wedding somewhere where I would have to save $$ to attend, because there are always little ways to save some money. Perhaps the money conversation was a bit awkward, but unless the OP comes back & says that her brother is a horrible selfish rotten person, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to do something helpful by letting her know way in advance.

Now, that being said, I would feel the need to be there. I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to spend money to bring my entire family. I'd probably be flying there for the amount of days required to attend the wedding but not planning to stay longer for a vacation...let's assume 3 days...fly in the day before, you're there the day of the wedding, then fly home the next day. If there were another person I would be comfortable rooming with I'd try to set that up to split the cost of the room. It could probably be done relatively inexpensively. Nohting says you have to bring a wedding gift. You can always send them something nice a while later, if money is an issue in terms of the travel + a gift.

But again, this all depends on the relationship one has with one's sibling. My brother's 2nd wedding (not a destination) was actually more significant than his first wedding because he and his 2nd wife have been together for FAR longer than he and his 1st wife. And the reason for the demise of his 1st marriage was because she cheated on him. So the whole "2nd wedding" thing probably wouldn't much come into play for me. Maybe once someone started getting into 3rd, 4th or 5th weddings I might be a little less apt to attend, but it would still depend on the circumstances. And most of the people I know wouldn't have a big hoop-de-la for a 3rd, 4th or 5th wedding, so it probably wouldn't be an issue. But I still wouldn't think "Not the 1st wedding so I don't need to go".

If there is the possibility that this may not happen as brother hopes (ex-wife not allowing the children to go) & the plans might change, I might wait a bit & see how everything shakes out before I get everyone all riled up about me going vs. not going. He just called you the other day, the wedding is still a long way off, waiting a bit to let the dust settle isn't going to be a major issue. If his plans have to change to a non-destination, then no one would ever need to know that there was a question of your attendance.

I'd use this time to research the cost of flying to and staying @ the wedding site for the amount of time I feel I would need to be there. If other family (ie-Mom) says anything you can always say "I am researching whether or not this will be doa-able for me". It's not yes and it's not no. It's "I don't know", because at this point, you really don't know. There are still some things up in the air. But it also puts the "word" out that you might not be able to do it.

Well said!

 

[PaulaSB12]

I've been reading responses and I admit I'm surprised how hostile people seem about destination weddings. (i.e they are "selfish")

Many families are scattered among many areas and states. Any wedding is likely going to be a "destination" wedding for some of the guests.

The issue is whether or not the bride and groom have expectations of everyone attending. If they get pissed that people can't attend, then yes, they are being unreasonable...and maybe selfish.

But simply choosing to have a destination wedding is NOT selfish. It's just a choice.

From what I have seen its going to be three thousand just for the flights, then you have the expense of buying passports, clothes food for the time they are there plus the wedding gift. To expect your family to spend several thousand on your special day is just so selfish.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I've been to Mexico plenty and I can tell you that there are good reasons for not going again until things improve down there. What the media reports is a fraction of what goes on, considering journalists and their families have been targeted by the cartels and told to shut up or die. It is a country in chaos, with only a facade of order. Everything I have ever learned about Mexican law enforcement tells me that if anything goes wrong for you as a foreigner, the best you can hope for as a response is shrugged shoulders.

The "it's just the border areas" crowd is misinformed, IMHO. We have thousands and thousands of wealthy Mexicans who are from decidedly non-border towns flooding into our area. They would not abandon a country in which they are the upper class if they did not have good reason. Poor Mexicans may come here to make a living. Rich Mexicans come here because even they are not safe in their own country, despite living in gated homes with armed guards. The cartels are running Mexico in large measure and that is terrifying. They can and will do whatever they please.

Look, I used to go there all the time. DH and I planned to take our children someday, and used to talk of it regularly. In the last 10 years, the situation has changed dramatically. In the past 5 years, it has changed in a way I never would have believed. I doubt my DD will ever see Mexico and that saddens me. As Texans, we grew up going to Mexico like generations before us. It's just what we did. Like people in the far north going to Canada. You just do it. In a few short years, what was a given for us is now largely out of consideration. Sad, but true.

So while I would advise anyone to decline an invitation to a destination wedding unless they had the money and really wanted to go, I would be especially quick to decline any invitation to Mexico.

The reason I asked where, is because my experience is totally the opposite of this. But, I am only familiar with the West Coast of Mexico. We're even considering a vacation home on the West Coast somewhere in a few years. Just like Los Angeles, there are good parts and bad parts of Mexico.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have a problem when other folks judge my decisions when they are made with my family's best interest in mind. DH and I do not want to go to Mexico and we have our reasons. I know the resorts are safe but I have a cousin who is married to a Mexican man, has four children who are Mexican and they are all here. And with very good reason. They love Mexico but cannot live there any longer. If there was a family wedding it id likely that I am teh only one who would attend. My DGD would never consent to having DGD enter Mexico and I doubt my other adult children would go either. I would be upset if I had to justify our decision, the wedding destination was made for the convenience of the bridal couple, not the guests.

If teh OP does not want to take her family that is her decision and the family should respect it

 

[NHdisneylover]

The reason I asked where, is because my experience is totally the opposite of this. But, I am only familiar with the West Coast of Mexico. We're even considering a vacation home on the West Coast somewhere in a few years. Just like Los Angeles, there are good parts and bad parts of Mexico.

Both of my parents live near Puerto Vallarta and my father often travels to Guadalajara and Mexico City. Their experiences are also the total opposite of EMOM's. It is amazing how people's experiences can vary and color their reactions, isn't i?.
My mom's car was broken into and her stereo stolen once about 5 years ago. Her boyfriend'struck was stolen when he left it for 6 months on an extended return to the US last summer.
That is the extent of crime and violence they have seen in 16 years down there--no worse than many places in the US (and in some ways better--no horrific school shootings, etc).

 

[cluvsdisney]

I am basing my response on my family relationships and my relationship with my brother.

I would not be able to miss his wedding...even a 2nd wedding. I might not necessarily bring the whole family, but as his sister, I would feel the need to be there. So therefore I would have appreciated his heads up that there would be being a wedding somewhere where I would have to save $$ to attend, because there are always little ways to save some money. Perhaps the money conversation was a bit awkward, but unless the OP comes back & says that her brother is a horrible selfish rotten person, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to do something helpful by letting her know way in advance.

Now, that being said, I would feel the need to be there. I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to spend money to bring my entire family. I'd probably be flying there for the amount of days required to attend the wedding but not planning to stay longer for a vacation...let's assume 3 days...fly in the day before, you're there the day of the wedding, then fly home the next day. If there were another person I would be comfortable rooming with I'd try to set that up to split the cost of the room. It could probably be done relatively inexpensively. Nohting says you have to bring a wedding gift. You can always send them something nice a while later, if money is an issue in terms of the travel + a gift.

But again, this all depends on the relationship one has with one's sibling. My brother's 2nd wedding (not a destination) was actually more significant than his first wedding because he and his 2nd wife have been together for FAR longer than he and his 1st wife. And the reason for the demise of his 1st marriage was because she cheated on him. So the whole "2nd wedding" thing probably wouldn't much come into play for me. Maybe once someone started getting into 3rd, 4th or 5th weddings I might be a little less apt to attend, but it would still depend on the circumstances. And most of the people I know wouldn't have a big hoop-de-la for a 3rd, 4th or 5th wedding, so it probably wouldn't be an issue. But I still wouldn't think "Not the 1st wedding so I don't need to go".

If there is the possibility that this may not happen as brother hopes (ex-wife not allowing the children to go) & the plans might change, I might wait a bit & see how everything shakes out before I get everyone all riled up about me going vs. not going. He just called you the other day, the wedding is still a long way off, waiting a bit to let the dust settle isn't going to be a major issue. If his plans have to change to a non-destination, then no one would ever need to know that there was a question of your attendance.

I'd use this time to research the cost of flying to and staying @ the wedding site for the amount of time I feel I would need to be there. If other family (ie-Mom) says anything you can always say "I am researching whether or not this will be doa-able for me". It's not yes and it's not no. It's "I don't know", because at this point, you really don't know. There are still some things up in the air. But it also puts the "word" out that you might not be able to do it.

I agree with all of this word for word.