Invited to Family Destination Wedding, to go or not to go?

[clh2]

Maybe you could just ask your brother and his fiance to change the destination to Disney - the same week you are planning on for your family vacation! Then you would be able to make the wedding and have your family vacation.I know - it is unrealistic...

You need to do what is right for your family. And - no one can tell you how to spend your money. Also - maybe as a compromise - you go alone, and leave the rest of the family home.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I would not give up a family vacation to attend a destination wedding in a place that was not on my vacation list in the first place, especially for a someone's second wedding.

This - although I'd leave out the second wedding part. "Maybe" I'd go by myself "IF" I could afford it and had the time, but certainly not at the expense of a planned family trip.

 

[EMom]

My brother called today and he and his fiancé have set an approximate wedding date, he called to let me know it will be in Mexico in April or May of 2014. He said he wanted to give me a head's up so we could get "our monies in order". Its a second marriage for both of them and they have 4 kids between them. The problem is I really want to go to his wedding, but I don't want to go to Mexico. We had just started planning a family vacation over spring break in March 2014 (yes to WDW). We haven't been on a vacation since July 2011. My DH,as well as one of my kids who was in the room at the time, doesn't want to give up our vacation to go to his wedding. We can't do both. We are a family of 5 and none of us have a passport. I don't have to decide right now I know, and a million things could happen and we could possibly not be able to afford to go anywhere. Our DD has been battling an illness and was hospitalized 4 times last year, so a lot could happen. I'm just so torn and I know my brother will probably be upset if we go to WDW a month or 2 before his wedding and we don't go to his wedding. Thoughts?

For me, this is a no brainer. Destination weddings mean the B&G must graciously accept that some people cannot or will not attend their wedding, for any number of reasons. Let's count some.

1. WDW will be your first vacation in THREE years. Your entire family wants to go. That should settle it, period.

2. You do not have the money to do both. You must pick one and want to pick the one the entire family wishes to do.

3. You have no desire to go to Mexico. I used to go annually, but you could not pay me to go these days.

4. Your family has made it clear they do not want to go to Mexico but do want to go to WDW.

5. You don't have passports and buying five of them is $$$$$.

6. I cannot believe no one has referenced your DD and her repeated hospitalizations. It's one thing to vacation in the US, where you can easily get to a hospital if she becomes ill. But to go to Mexico and chance her needing expert medical care is unwise. No way would I do this.

This one is easy. You have several reasons to decline the invitation and you don't need a single one. When a destination wedding is the issue, just NOT WANTING to go is enough, let alone having valid reasons. If it was my first vacation in three years, I wouldn't even bat an eye at declining. Feel no guilt. Your brother chose to marry in Mexico, but you are under no obligation to attend.

 

[akcire]

Op- I think it was very nice of your brother to call you a year in advance to get your money in order. This advance notice will allow you to buy the nicest regrets card that hallmark sells- instead of just the $1 card.

I hate going to regular weddings. It is so much time and money. The only destination wedding I attended was paid in full by the couple. At the time 15 years ago I was really broke and they really wanted me there.

I always send nice regrets and gifts. I just don't like weddings. Particularly the black tie weddings.

 

[aprilgail2]

This!

I don't care how close a family member they are - I think it is so inconsiderate to plan "destination weddings" and think that everyone will *just go*. Just have your wedding at home area, then go to your *destination* for your honeymoon. Destination weddings are selfish IMO.

If they will be upset if some can't/don't want to travel there, etc., let them. They'll get over it, it's their problem.

I sure would not give up my family vacation that I saved for/looked forward to, to go to another country for a wedding when it could be at home. I sure would never go to Mexico personally.

To me, it would not be fair to my family. If you want to go that bad, make arrangements to go by yourself/travel with other family members.

I would have no problem talking to my brother and explaining exactly why I could not go.

I agree- there is no way I would go especially since its a second wedding for both of them- second weddings are not high on my priority list of things to attend! I would just tell him that you had a trip planned and can't afford to go to both places-it is inconsiderate for people to assume that everyone wants to attend their destination weddings!

 

[disykat]

"I'm so sorry we won't be able to attend. We looked at what it would cost, even if we give up the WDW vacation we promised the kids that we've been saving for for three years, and it simply isn't doable for us."

 

[EMom]

I do appreciate everyone's opinions. I'm not going to call him right away for one major reason, he seemed completely clueless that he needs his ex's permission to take his 2 minor kids out of the country. This could definitely an issue, she's not very accomadating. She's been remarried for a few years herself, but well, I don't know why she's so difficult, lol. I told him today he needed to look it up, the kids don't have passports yet, we'll see if she even ok's that.
My parents and my brother and his fiancé always vacation in Mexico, so I don't think they understand that we don't want to, if you know what I mean. My parents are headed there in 2 weeks even. I can't go with just DH and myself because we'd only leave the kids with my parents or my brother, we are all local. I will check later in the week once everyone has heard their plans and see what they (other relatives) are thinking about it. I do appreciate all opinions!

You say your brother and his fiance regularly go to Mexico, but does the ex allow him to take the kids? DH and I would not take DD to Mexico, but if we were divorced, hell would freeze over before I let him take her.

In all seriousness, DD has a friend whose family is from Mexico. They have a beach house and spend most of each summer there. Recently, they mentioned the possibility of taking DD with them for part of the summer, as the girls are very close. DH and I almost choked because there is no way on earth I'd take DD to Mexico myself, let alone let her go with someone else. Our town has been flooded by wealthy Mexicans fleeing their country. If THEY won't even stay there, there is no way I'll go.

When DD are I were newly married, his cousin was getting married in England, since the groom was English. DD's family is tiny, so there weren't many of us to represent the family. I'd long wanted to go to England, but as a vacation on my terms. And we were saving like crazy to buy a house. If we'd gone to the wedding, it would have put us months behind on buying a home. So we declined and no one was upset.

My dear nephew got married on a Florida beach, but that wedding was sandwiched in between vacations we'd already planned. We declined and he was not offended. That is as it should be. Most people are not made of money and should not be expected to forego a planned family vacation to make it to a destination wedding.

I'd wait to decline until he finds out whether or not his ex will even let him bring the kids.

 

[Jennasis]

I would just tell him you'd love to be there for his wedding but you've already got a family vacation planned for that year/time and you can't afford both, time off from work etc.

As others have said, destination wedding planners do so with the knowledge that many (most?) won't be able to go.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I may have missed it but where in Mexico?


I love destination weddings and most people who say they won't go to Mexico have never been there. Is it a resort town? Near a historical area?

I'd look into it before just saying no. Maybe the family can do WDW and Mexico both, have they priced it out before just saying no? Maybe the kids might want to try something new if they would just see what is available there in the city/town of the wedding.

 

[shortbun]

Wow, some of these people REALLY don't like your brother-never having met him, lol! Seriously, why would you want to skip a big family event? Are they inviting lots of friends or just their closest friends and family? I think the wedding could really be fun and when are you going to get the chance for YOUR whole family to relax and celebrate like that? You keep saying, "Mexico", that could mean so many things. Mexico Beach? Which beach? Has the resort been chosen? Look, I LOVE wdw AND I love going there but gosh-family versus WDW? I couldn't do it. My brother just got married for the 2nd time and I wouldn't have missed a minute of it. We really had fun!!
In your case, your brother is inviting you to join him on a vacation-not just his wedding. I don't think we can JUST call it a wedding. Have any of you nay sayers EVER been on a destination wedding? They are fun!

 

[okeydokey]

The problem is that your brother expects you to go. He said to start saving. This is presumptuous of him. How will he and the family react when you tell them you are not attending?

 

[joviroxx]

Same here. If it was mine or DH's family, our vacation that year would be to Mexico for the wedding.

Same here. My family is very close and large and very important to me. I wouldn't miss my brother's wedding for the world and would be VERY grateful that he gave me a year's notice. A family vacation, with family, to celebrate a wedding is where I would want to be.

This would go for any of my nieces and nephews weddings too.

 

[EMom]

I may have missed it but where in Mexico?


I love destination weddings and most people who say they won't go to Mexico have never been there. Is it a resort town? Near a historical area?

I'd look into it before just saying no. Maybe the family can do WDW and Mexico both, have they priced it out before just saying no? Maybe the kids might want to try something new if they would just see what is available there in the city/town of the wedding.

I've been to Mexico plenty and I can tell you that there are good reasons for not going again until things improve down there. What the media reports is a fraction of what goes on, considering journalists and their families have been targeted by the cartels and told to shut up or die. It is a country in chaos, with only a facade of order. Everything I have ever learned about Mexican law enforcement tells me that if anything goes wrong for you as a foreigner, the best you can hope for as a response is shrugged shoulders.

The "it's just the border areas" crowd is misinformed, IMHO. We have thousands and thousands of wealthy Mexicans who are from decidedly non-border towns flooding into our area. They would not abandon a country in which they are the upper class if they did not have good reason. Poor Mexicans may come here to make a living. Rich Mexicans come here because even they are not safe in their own country, despite living in gated homes with armed guards. The cartels are running Mexico in large measure and that is terrifying. They can and will do whatever they please.

Look, I used to go there all the time. DH and I planned to take our children someday, and used to talk of it regularly. In the last 10 years, the situation has changed dramatically. In the past 5 years, it has changed in a way I never would have believed. I doubt my DD will ever see Mexico and that saddens me. As Texans, we grew up going to Mexico like generations before us. It's just what we did. Like people in the far north going to Canada. You just do it. In a few short years, what was a given for us is now largely out of consideration. Sad, but true.

So while I would advise anyone to decline an invitation to a destination wedding unless they had the money and really wanted to go, I would be especially quick to decline any invitation to Mexico.

 

[EMom]

Wow, some of these people REALLY don't like your brother-never having met him, lol! Seriously, why would you want to skip a big family event? Are they inviting lots of friends or just their closest friends and family? I think the wedding could really be fun and when are you going to get the chance for YOUR whole family to relax and celebrate like that? You keep saying, "Mexico", that could mean so many things. Mexico Beach? Which beach? Has the resort been chosen? Look, I LOVE wdw AND I love going there but gosh-family versus WDW? I couldn't do it. My brother just got married for the 2nd time and I wouldn't have missed a minute of it. We really had fun!!
In your case, your brother is inviting you to join him on a vacation-not just his wedding. I don't think we can JUST call it a wedding. Have any of you nay sayers EVER been on a destination wedding? They are fun!

I really don't want to be insensitive when discussing the OP, but to be blunt, it does not sound as if they are rolling in cash. They will have had a three year gap between one vacation and the next and their child has been in the hospital several times in a year. I am guessing they had had to budget for this long awaited WDW vacation and have put a lot of thought into it. A trip to Mexico, especially with having to buy 5 passports, is going to be expensive. Very possibly more than WDW.

If they spend all their money going to Mexico, will it be three more years before they can take the vacation their family actually WANTS to take? My guess is that for this particular family to go to this destination wedding, to a locale they have NO interest in, will eat up all their vacation money for a good while to come.

Not everyone has thousands to spare to go to a place they have no interest in visiting. If some members of my family had to spend $500 to attend a destination wedding, it would be out of the question, let alone $5000. My sister is my best friend and I would not spend $5000 or so to attend her first, second or third wedding. (Unless it was in Italy....maybe then.) And she wouldn't spend it to attend mine. And we'd both be fine with that.

I do think it was presumptuous of the brother to give her "advance warning" that she needed to start saving money to attend his wedding. I can only hope he chose his words poorly. If my family had not had a vacation in three years, I'd go exactly where I wanted and nowhere else. The brother may be disappointed if she cannot go to Mexico, but her KIDS and husband will be disappointed if they miss WDW. As I said, this is a no brainer for me.

 

[horseshowmom]

I've been reading responses and I admit I'm surprised how hostile people seem about destination weddings. (i.e they are "selfish")

Many families are scattered among many areas and states. Any wedding is likely going to be a "destination" wedding for some of the guests.

The issue is whether or not the bride and groom have expectations of everyone attending. If they get pissed that people can't attend, then yes, they are being unreasonable...and maybe selfish.

But simply choosing to have a destination wedding is NOT selfish. It's just a choice.

The OP indicated that her brother is probably going to be upset if they don't go. I don't have a problem with his having a destination wedding. I just don't think he has a right to be upset if they choose not to go.

Destination weddings are generally cheaper for the bride but much more expensive for the guests. While it's fine to have one, don't be upset if I choose not to come.

My niece recently got married in Las Vegas. We couldn't go - too expensive at the time since I was getting ready to have surgery and would have lots of bills to go with it. Neither my brother nor my neice was upset. They knew lots of folks wouldn't go due to it being a destination wedding (my brother was more than okay with that since it was saving him a LOT of money).

I really don't want to be insensitive when discussing the OP, but to be blunt, it does not sound as if they are rolling in cash. They will have had a three year gap between one vacation and the next and their child has been in the hospital several times in a year. I am guessing they had had to budget for this long awaited WDW vacation and have put a lot of thought into it. A trip to Mexico, especially with having to buy 5 passports, is going to be expensive. Very possibly more than WDW.

If they spend all their money going to Mexico, will it be three more years before they can take the vacation their family actually WANTS to take? My guess is that for this particular family to go to this destination wedding, to a locale they have NO interest in, will eat up all their vacation money for a good while to come.

Not everyone has thousands to spare to go to a place they have no interest in visiting. If some members of my family had to spend $500 to attend a destination wedding, it would be out of the question, let alone $5000. My sister is my best friend and I would not spend $5000 or so to attend her first, second or third wedding. (Unless it was in Italy....maybe then.) And she wouldn't spend it to attend mine. And we'd both be fine with that.

I do think it was presumptuous of the brother to give her "advance warning" that she needed to start saving money to attend his wedding. I can only hope he chose his words poorly. If my family had not had a vacation in three years, I'd go exactly where I wanted and nowhere else. The brother may be disappointed if she cannot go to Mexico, but her KIDS and husband will be disappointed if they miss WDW. As I said, this is a no brainer for me.

I agree completely with every bit of this.

If you want to get married in Mexico, I hope it's great but please understand when I'm not there. It's not that I don't love and care about you. It's that my finances may be limited, and I have to pick and choose what I'm going to do. The fact that I don't choose to go to Mexico doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, but it may mean that I have to pick what is in my own family's best interests.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I don't think the argument here is whether or not the OP will enjoy the vacation (ok maybe not, since she said she's not thrilled about going to Mexico lol). She is trying to do what's best for her own family. Its clear she would rather go to Disney than Mexico, she made it clear in her original post.

 

[sookie]

I would make sure that you take your family on vacation, but I would also try to go to Mexico by myself or with my spouse. You can start aggressively saving now.

I think that your brother calling ahead was his way of trying to make sure that you knew that you were invited (save the date) and had time to prepare. He didn't have good manners while trying to get the point across. You still have the opportunity to decline.


All weddings have costs involved or no one would go to them - but yes, destination weddings are the costliest of them all. It is really crummy. I am sorry OP. I would not feel too much guilt NOT going if you can't swing it - because that is the breaks if that is what they choose (a beach wedding). Ask him where it is going to be and see what the costs will be before you get too worried - maybe it will be more cost effective than you thought.

 

[LongLiveDisney]

So you want to go to his wedding, but you don't like the location it's going to be at. If this were my brother getting married, I wouldn't care where it was, I would be going no matter what. I would never even consider skipping my brother's wedding for a vacation, especially just because I didn't like the place they were getting married at.

ETA: That might have sounded much harsher than I intended it to be. OP, it is ultimately your choice. I hope you have fun whatever you choose to do.

 

[sasywtch]

I would not go to Mexico and definitely wouldn't take my kids to Mexico.
Destination weddings: For those who say family trumps so they would go to the brother's wedding, your kids are also your family. In this case, the kids trump the brother I believe.

 

[JessB320]

I would enjoy a trip to Mexico so I would go . However if I had to choose and didn't want to give up WDW for the Mexico wedding I would have no problem saying so. Its a second wedding , give them a gift ask about any reception or celebration after the fact at home and don't worry about it!!