Invited my daughter's friend...who pays?

[dfchelbay]

We've always invited DS friends along on vacations. We always paid for hotel and food. His parents paid for tickets and airfare. When our DS was invited on vacations with his friends we paid airfare and tickets. We always saw it as as a wonderful vacation for DS for the much less cost of airfare and ticket only...always worked for us...and we've never had an issue with other parents.

 

[MAH4546]

Great news! Just got off the phone w/ the Mom and all is well. She wanted to know how much money we will need for her entire trip. I gave her an idea on what things would cost and told her that we would be taking care food, hotel, halloween party ticket, water park ticket and souvies. And, she said they wouldn't allow us to pay for all that. I insisted since she wants to pay for the airfare and park tickets. So, now we can start planning our trip w/ her! My daughter is going to be so excited!!!

I do agree...we invited her so we should pay if need be. And, we have in the past. She's been on 2 snow skiing trips with us and we didn't take a penny from them when it was offered. Many weekend trips too...but, I think they realize what a terrible year it has been for our business.

When you invite somebody's child on a vacation, absent pre-arrangement otherwise, it should be assumed the trip is free. And considering the history of them going on trips, it was probably assumed by them as well.

Any polite person would offer to pay for things, and expect to be kindly denied contributing money to the trip outside of spending money.

 

[comconinc2]

We are talking my son's friend in 9 days. We invited, we pay. They offered to pay for the plane ticket so we accepted. We don't pay for souvenirs. He has to bring his own spending money, but in all honesty, we will probably pay for those too. I wouldn't feel comfortable buying everyone t-shirts and not the friend, etc.....

 

[AntePrincess]

According to Miss Manners, the inviter pays. This goes for everything from restaurant meals to vacations. The inviter also covers all expenses for house guests. Otherwise the invited is not actually a guest and you are not actually a host, and the social contract of hospitality disintegrates causing the collapse of civilization as we know it.

Furthermore, the expectation is that the invited (or their guardians) will offer to pay for something, and the inviter will graciously decline. And once you are in the position of either guest or host, neither of you is allowed to back out short of affairs of state or life threatening emergency.

Don't worry about it, if courtesy is at all underpinning this transaction with the child and her family, the family will reciprocate somehow later on. If they don't reciprocate at all according to their own means, then it's not a very mutual relationship and you have the go ahead to either accept things how they are, or drift apart.

 

[crisi]

According to Miss Manners, the inviter pays. This goes for everything from restaurant meals to vacations. The inviter also covers all expenses for house guests. Otherwise the invited is not actually a guest and you are not actually a host, and the social contract of hospitality disintegrates causing the collapse of civilization as we know it.

Furthermore, the expectation is that the invited (or their guardians) will offer to pay for something, and the inviter will graciously decline. And once you are in the position of either guest or host, neither of you is allowed to back out short of affairs of state or life threatening emergency.

Don't worry about it, if courtesy is at all underpinning this transaction with the child and her family, the family will reciprocate somehow later on. If they don't reciprocate at all according to their own means, then it's not a very mutual relationship and you have the go ahead to either accept things how they are, or drift apart.

And according to Emily Post, its a negotiable thing - as long as its clear and the negotiations are handled politely. Few of us can afford to take someone on vacation with us without them contributing anything - and few people are comfortable with their child getting a gift that size if they can't reciprocate in kind.

 

[metime]

My children get invited, and usually as a pair, to sleep overs. There is one parent that asked if my girls can sleep over and the next day comes and says, " we went out to eat last night and went to a movie and for both kids that would be $60"

Needless to say my children will never spend the night there. It's a good thing they didn't all decide buy matching diamond rings.

 

[pixiewings71]

According to Miss Manners, the inviter pays. This goes for everything from restaurant meals to vacations. The inviter also covers all expenses for house guests. Otherwise the invited is not actually a guest and you are not actually a host, and the social contract of hospitality disintegrates causing the collapse of civilization as we know it.

Furthermore, the expectation is that the invited (or their guardians) will offer to pay for something, and the inviter will graciously decline. And once you are in the position of either guest or host, neither of you is allowed to back out short of affairs of state or life threatening emergency.

Don't worry about it, if courtesy is at all underpinning this transaction with the child and her family, the family will reciprocate somehow later on. If they don't reciprocate at all according to their own means, then it's not a very mutual relationship and you have the go ahead to either accept things how they are, or drift apart.

So I'm contributing to the collapse of civilization as we know it? LOL IMO that is absolutely ridiculous!

And according to Emily Post, its a negotiable thing - as long as its clear and the negotiations are handled politely. Few of us can afford to take someone on vacation with us without them contributing anything - and few people are comfortable with their child getting a gift that size if they can't reciprocate in kind.

I like Emily Post much better, she's more modern then Miss Manners.

My children get invited, and usually as a pair, to sleep overs. There is one parent that asked if my girls can sleep over and the next day comes and says, " we went out to eat last night and went to a movie and for both kids that would be $60"

Needless to say my children will never spend the night there. It's a good thing they didn't all decide buy matching diamond rings.

$60 for movie and dinner???? Again, if we were doing this and wanted the parents to contribute this would be disclosed when we issued the invite, not when they were picked up or taken home! But even then the parents would know if we were planning on taking their kids anywhere, we always give a "game plan" when kids are dropped off for an overnight with us! We always ask permission to take someone else's kids anywhere.

 

[Magic2000]

My DD asked if she could invite a friend on our trip next summer. I agreed, on the condition that the girl would pay for her own ticket, and if we fly, she'd be responsible for her plane ticket. The girl's parents have agreed, and stated they would send her with money for food and souvenirs.

If we drive, I would not charge anything, since we would be going anyway; and I am not charging for hotel, since again, we'd be staying there anyway.

We are already planning to go to Hoop De Doo, Yachtsman Steakhouse and Beaches & Cream - my treat. We aren't planning for many TS meals to keep costs reasonable. Those are my DD's favorite places to eat and she wanted to share with her friend; I will give her friend the option of picking a few places too.

If my DD were invited on a trip, I would definitely expect to pay airfare (if applicable), attraction tickets, and I would send her with money for meals. If she were treated to dinner(s), that's fine - but I wouldn't expect it of the parents.

 

[solar]

we went out to eat last night and went to a movie and for both kids that would be $60"

that would have totally surprised me -- i agree - kind of rough to do that after the fact.

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

So glad it all worked out!!

 

[Jellyman]

I pay when we invite a friend to go with us, but if mine went without me I would offer to pay.

 

[AntePrincess]

So I'm contributing to the collapse of civilization as we know it? LOL IMO that is absolutely ridiculous!

A little hyperbole does a body good. Unless you miss it and it beams you in the head, then not so fun.

I like Emily Post much better, she's more modern then Miss Manners.

Even Emily Post puts the appropriate time for negotiation at the beginning of the conversation. Incidentally, most people prefer the etiquette maven they think most agrees with them. I enjoy Miss Manners' tone more than anything else. Miss Vanderbilt is dry, dry, dry. Emily Post is so-so. I probably read too many manners books.

 

[pixiewings71]

A little hyperbole does a body good. Unless you miss it and it beams you in the head, then not so fun.



Even Emily Post puts the appropriate time for negotiation at the beginning of the conversation. Incidentally, most people prefer the etiquette maven they think most agrees with them. I enjoy Miss Manners' tone more than anything else. Miss Vanderbilt is dry, dry, dry. Emily Post is so-so. I probably read too many manners books.

Right back at ya. Hence the smilie at the end of my sentence in that post.

Yes, appropriate time for negotiation is definitely the way to go.
If you read my first post we gave plenty of negotiation time when we invited our girls' friends, I spoke to the parents when we called to invite the girls. I don't think invitees need to be treated to everything, I do feel it can be acceptable for the invitee to pay for themselves and for the inviter to ask them to pay. I actually enjoy reading both Emily Post & Miss Manners, I just think Emily Post is a little more modern and in the right place that's a good thing. I read them online now but used to read them in our local paper.

 

[crisi]

Even Emily Post puts the appropriate time for negotiation at the beginning of the conversation.

Yes, dropping off the child and saying "you owe us $60 for a movie and dinner" is no one's idea of well mannered.

 

[kevschickee]

Yes it was wrong for that parent to ask for the $60 like that but dinner and a movie for 2 kids isn't that far off from $60. That amount didn't suprise me all that much esp for the prices in my area.

 

[Mom2PrincessSavannah]

I have to say that my curiousity was peaked when I saw this thread as I have been toying with the idea of inviting DD's bff on our trip next fall. I fully intended to pay for everything except air and park tickets (which would run her family about $350.00). Since I can't afford to pay for an extra child I may want to re-think this idea! However, I did plan to pay hotel, meals, souveniers (the kids will be 5), etc. Now I am not sure if I should do this as I pride myself on using correct social etiquette! Any thoughts?

 

[Redbudlover]

I think it is important to say at the start what you will pay for and what you won't. I do not think it is necessary to pay everything just because you invited the child. I see no harm in offering to pay part of the cost. You may have the money to pay everything, but you may not as well. And the joy of the trip is not less for the child who was invited to be a playmate for your child. If you do not say you want the other parent to pay for part of it during the invitation, though, and they offer I see no harm in accepting their offer. No one should offer something they are not prepared to provide, imo!

 

[MAH4546]

I think it is important to say at the start what you will pay for and what you won't. I do not think it is necessary to pay everything just because you invited the child. I see no harm in offering to pay part of the cost. You may have the money to pay everything, but you may not as well. And the joy of the trip is not less for the child who was invited to be a playmate for your child. If you do not say you want the other parent to pay for part of it during the invitation, though, and they offer I see no harm in accepting their offer. No one should offer something they are not prepared to provide, imo!

As long as you discuss it with the parent before the inviting the child, it is not a problem.

If you invite the child without speaking to the parents about what you plan on paying for, then such an invitation should include the full cost of the trip.

 

[duffy]

We invited my niece to come with us. Because we invited her, I didn't expect my sister to pay for anything. I told her this in the very beginning because I didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable position. She gave my niece spending money but we paid for everything else.

I did the same thing with my niece and my sister! I knew my sister would love it if her daughter could go, but she couldn't pay for anything. I also told her that we would pay for the tickets etc., up front right away. she also just gave her daughter some spending money. What a coincidence.

Are you me?

 

[flying_babyb]

My best freinds mom used to invite me to tons of things. It was awalys assumed that I would pay airfair and my own meals and souvineers but she would cover the hotel (since the school district she worked for paid for most of them). When we went to Washigition Dc it worked out well.