Inspired by thread - relationship rant!

[Claire L]

This thread has made me think about my own situation and the comments that people make. DH and I will have been married 5 years in June, I am 32 he will be 30, and we have both said from the start we aren't in a hurry to have kids if at all. It always amazes me the number of people who say 'so when are you having children?', to both me and DH, as if they expect us to just because we are married. Or we get the comments 'oh give it time you will want kids'. We both have good careers and feel that we wanted to marry due to our commitment to each other and nothing more. Do any other married childless, through choice, couples get these comments?

Claire

 

[soccerchick]

Yep, we got them all the time. We were married for 6 years before we got pregnant. After the first, everyone wanted to know when #2 would be joining us. I think misery loves company

 

[froglady]

DH & I were married for 7 years before we had a child. I remember being at a dinner, and the man next to me was chatting. Along came the usual "How many children do you have?" I responded that we were planning to have them later. He started saying the usual. "Don't you LIKE children? What if you have difficulty conceiving? You'll be at higher risk." etc

I then explained that DH was finishing his fellowship in a couple of months, and we would be returning to the US where he had a position waiting, so I would be going off of BC in a few weeks and we would start keeping track of my ovulation to optimize the chances of getting pregnant.

He became flustered and said "I wasn't asking about your sex life!"

"Sorry, but, yes, you were."

 

[MBeds]

Oh yeah...and then when you have the first one the question then becomes "when are you having another?"

 

[Evil Genius]

We've gone from "When are you going to have to children?" to "It's a shame you never had children." Now that I am considered too old. Ya' just can't win.

 

[princess pooh]

It's gotten so bad at work that I want to get a t-shirt made up with the words "STOP ASKING ME!" on it. Yesterday someone told me that I wasn't getting any younger

 

[hiwaygal]

We've gone from "When are you going to have to children?" to "It's a shame you never had children." Now that I am considered too old. Ya' just can't win.

Sorry...but this kinda made me laugh!! I expect we'll be getting the last part of that eventually...

Since DH and I have only been married about 7 months, and we are both "older", we don't get that question. I think the general consensus is we are too old!

Sometimes I think...maybe...a baby...but most of the time I'm glad we are not planning on children.

 

[jodifla]

We were married about 14 years before we had a child. We got some inquiries, mainly from people who didn't know us well...


We decided to have a child when we realized we'd turned into total homebodies. That first 10 years of our marriage we were always on the go.

Other posters are right...as soon as you have one, they'll start asking about others!

 

[helenabear]

Been there with that as well. Fortunately *most* of my family and friends are very hush hush about the whole baby thing now. We've been married close to six, I am 29, my DH 28. I've been staying at home (intentionally quit my job) for nearly a year and no sign of kids. I think that has shut enough people up that no one seems to ask anymore. I would guess they assume we have fertility issues, which is fine by me. I get tired of being asked things like that all the time too.

 

[luvmydogs]

You know, I think I've received comments like that during every every stage of life I've been in. When I was single, it was, "Oh, when are you getting married?" When I was married, it was, "When are you having kids?" Now that I have one child, I hear, "You mean you're only having one?" (Yes!) It goes on and on... I did begin answering people who'd ask why ds10 is an only child with, "Now, why would you ask that?" (thanks, Dear Abby), and I found it either shut them up or they got their noses bent out of shape by it (too bad).

I have no idea why people believe it's their business if or when people choose to have children--what an extremely personal situation they're sticking their noses in.

 

[mtemm]

the oddest comment (and pretty much the only comment) I ever got about that was not long after I was first married (got married at 30). I think I was around 31 or 32 and we were at my grandmother's funeral. my cousin, who is the same age as me, had married a woman with older children...they were in their mid teens, was there. We were talking at one point and he said to me, "so, you guys never had kids, huh?"

um. hello. I was 32 at the most...not exactly in menopause yet. not exactly out of the age of normalcy for having kids. It was a bizarre conversation.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Join the club. When they say, "You will change your mind," one of us responds with, "Not with a vasectomy we won't."

 

[kennancat]

There's a thread on the Adult and Solo board you should check out on this very topic. I'll bump it up if it's not on the first page.

LindsayDunn228's comment reminded me of this. Anybody else find it hilarious that there's a billboard on the 528 eastbound (so on your way back to the airport from Disney) for vasectomy.com? Cracks me up every time I pass it

 

[mickeyboat]

We were married 7 years, and had fertility issues before we had Hannah. We got lots of questions, but to tell you the truth, I wasn't really offended that people were asking. I don't think they realized how much it hurt to have to answer, but I never held it against them. They were only making conversation, not trying to pry into my personal life, or have some deep, dark ulterior motives to hurt me.

I do however try not to ask those types of questions of people I don't know very well.

Denae

 

[Kitty 34]

Here's one that was just asked of me by a distant relative (who dropped by to visit this weekend):

"So is Tommy married with any kids yet??"

So, I'm now getting the "grandma" type questions. He's 26 and right now shows no interest in tying the knot let alone giving me grandkids!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Dh and I were 37 and 42 respectively when we got married. We are STILL being asked that question 5 years later! I am constantly reminded that we can adopt (I lost my uterus to cancer 10 years ago). Even better, my DSis who really does mean well, keeps offering to be a surrogate for us, reminding me that her clock is ticking away too. She doesn't seem to be alone in finding it freakish that we just don't want children at this point in our lives. Dh has a DD 18 from his first marriage. I really did want children, but the time has come and gone for me. I'm content to raise my fur children.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

This thread has made me think about my own situation and the comments that people make. DH and I will have been married 5 years in June, I am 32 he will be 30, and we have both said from the start we aren't in a hurry to have kids if at all. It always amazes me the number of people who say 'so when are you having children?', to both me and DH, as if they expect us to just because we are married. Or we get the comments 'oh give it time you will want kids'. We both have good careers and feel that we wanted to marry due to our commitment to each other and nothing more. Do any other married childless, through choice, couples get these comments?

Claire

No, we never get those questions...but only because we're both 50 ish now.

 

[jbdreamer]

Yep, I get it all the time, and my DH and I have only been married for about 3 years. Every family gathering it's "So when are you having kids?", like the answer has changed. Can't we enjoy just being married?

At work too if I have a stomach ache I always get - "maybe your pregnant!" - um no, I'm not.

Yes, I want children, but not anytime soon. Well be waiting at least another 4-5 years.

 

[froglady]

Here's one that was just asked of me by a distant relative (who dropped by to visit this weekend):

"So is Tommy married with any kids yet??"

So, I'm now getting the "grandma" type questions. He's 26 and right now shows no interest in tying the knot let alone giving me grandkids!

Yup, that's the next round. "Any wedding bells in DD's future?" to be followed by "Any sign of grandchildren yet?"

What's next? Probably "Are YOU still alive? When are you going to die, already!"

 

[barbeml]

Can you imagine the reaction if you asked those rude questioners the following:

"How come you're not divorced from that cheating SOB yet?"

"Gee, junior's in rehab again? Ever wish you'd gotten an abortion?"

I could have asked those questions of certain family members who hounded me with intrusive questions for years!