Inspired by the Thanksgiving Letter thread--Join me in venting!

[DisneyBeagle]

(Disclaimer: This is all in good fun and I really wouldn't say these things to people, but you know you have things you would like to say too)

After reading the Thanksgiving Letter where the hostess writes the letter telling everyone EXACTLY what the must bring, it made me think. That lady was WAY over the top, but somedays I can see where she is coming from. I have hosted many parties and events and in most cases I supply all the food and would never dream of asking others contribute. However, there are those parties where everyone brings something and all hostesses know that every now and then you would like to make a comment or suggestion, but you don't.

Well now is the time to write your hypothetical letter.

Here are a few things that I would like to say in my letter:

Cousin #1: when you say that you are going to bring dessert, showing up with a dozen cookies for 20 people just doesn't cut it especially when you insist that no one else brings anything.

Cousin #2: insisting that you always bring pasta is great, but showing up for a 6pm dinner at 7pm with uncooked pasta and a jar of sauce doesn't really work

MIL: you are a lovely woman, but please don't spend the entire meal telling me that's NOT how you would have cooked the turkey or the steak or the lasagna, etc.

Friend #1: we love having you over for pizza and movie night and we are aware that you don't like onions. We have provided 6 types of pizza and 4 of them do not have onions. Please don't pout because 2 of the pizzas have onions.

Friend #2: a can of corn is not considered a side dish for 13 people.

Coworker: We all enjoy having the work potluck lunches. It's nice of you to never sign up to bring anything, complain because the lunch is 10 minutes late, always be the first in line, take way more than your fair share, and never help clean up. We are all happy when you fix a plate of food to take home to your wife before the other coworkers have eaten. Oh, and double dipping rocks!!! (insert sarcasm smiley here)


What would you say in your hypothetical letter?

 

[lovetoscrap]

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Never mind. The sooner I put Thanksgiving 2009 behind me the better.

 

[themilesfamily]

The one thing I always thought was horrible, that I would comment on in a letter:

Growing up, my great-aunt always hosted Thanksgiving, (and many other holidays.) She would get up in the morning and meticulously plan a huge sit-down dinner for everyone. She used to write down the exact times that everything would be done, so everything could be put hot on the table at a certain time.

INEVITABLY -- EVERY YEAR -- my parents would show up with the family 45 min. to an hour late. It was so rude. The food was cold. And if my aunt ever said anything about it, my dad would throw a fit and storm out.

She loved us kids, so she kept putting up with it -- but the rudeness of my parents. Ugh, it's unthinkable to me.

When we kids got old enough to drive, we'd drive ahead of them. And sure enough, the two of them would show up 45 min to an hour later and act like nothing was wrong.

 

[redlight]

friend #2: A can of corn is not considered a side dish for 13 people.

lol.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

lol.

The can of corn was funny. I was kind of shocked when she showed up and handed me a can of corn. There's nothing wrong with canned veggies, but at least try to make it look like you put some effort into it.

 

[MariDisney]

Dear Family and DH's Family,

We spent another holiday alone...just us...ahhhhhhh...it was so nice. There was no drama. I cooked and we ate what we wanted. I didn't have to listen to what your new cabinets cost and how you got a deal because you know a guy. I didn't have to hear about SILs bowel trouble. I didn't have to listen to how much everyone loves you and how you are the most popular people on the planet. I could go on, but I don't like thinking about you for that long. We'll try and remember to send you a Christmas card. See you sometime next year!!

Editing to add: My sister (MrsDisneyFan) is probably going to read this...so...I only included OUR family so HIS family wouldn't figure out I was really just talking about them. Although, you have to admit mom is bat s**t crazy.

 

[monkeybug]

Dear Cheesecake, Pumpkin pie #1, Pumpkin pie #2 (the one with cream cheese and struesal), Apple Pie, and Banana Cream Pie,
I love you. I always have. I loved you the first time I chilled your buttery crust in the freezer, gently folded egg whites into your creamy goodness, added just the right amount of ginger to your pumpkin puree, and lovingly glazed your lattice top with reserved caramel sauce.
I loved how the 5 of you looked so carefully displayed alongside the hot apple cider. Each on your own special platter or stand. Ribbons, mini pumpkins, and a generous bowl of freshly whipped cream made you look so festive. So perfect. So proud. I'm not afraid to admit there was a mist in my eye at the sight of you. A mist of pride and love. It was real, and it was deep. Nothing can ever take that from us. Remember that.
The smiling faces of my guests? Of my husband? Thank you! I truly appreciate it. Only you could have made grown men smile that way. Well you, and beer, and...never mind...
Anyways, it saddens me to admit this, but as promising as our relationship started out, as lovely and perfect and solid as it seemed.. we have hit a rough patch. A bump in the road. A hurdle.
You? You are sitting in my refrigerator. Most of you (except cheesecake...good job cheesecake!) only half eaten, or less. You have turned me into a dessert Nazi. Reduced me to a pie pusher. My family and friends avert their eyes and hasten their step when they see me coming, afraid I'll follow them with a forkful of pumpkin and a dollop of whipped cream. You are too good to waste, and too good to refuse. They can't resist you, so they fear you...and now they fear me. The pie pimp.
You do things to me. Things I can't allow myself to put up with. Things I'm ashamed of.
They say you are treated the way you allow yourself to be treated, and I just can't allow you to treat me any longer. I came to this sad realization. This jarring revelation, today, while in our nations capital. As I was sprinting up the steps of the Lincoln memorial to escape a sudden down pour of hail, I felt something weighing heavily on my mind...no wait, not my mind...my hips. I can't be sure but... I'm pretty sure there was a jiggle. Perhaps even more than one jiggle. Jiggle's...and *sob* and there may have even been a wiggle. How could you??? How could you treat me this way after all the love and devotion I've given. I chased a three year old with banana cream for you!!!! I had apple pie and cheesecake for breakfast!
This just hurts too much.
As I looked into the reflecting pool (not reflecting much as it was drained) I did some reflecting of my own. Our relationship just isn't working for me anymore. You are toxic. You are a poison I can't quit, and there aren't enough treadmills in the world to act as antidote. As much as it saddens me to admit this, I just don't think we can work it out. The light at the end of our love tunnel has gone out. It's dark in here. Dark and lonely...and jiggly.
I will admit that I have some partial blame in the deterioration of our relationship. It really never is one sided is it? I should have known that 5 desserts for 5 adults and 3 small children would be too much. I'd have leftovers *gulp* that wouldn't get eaten. I should have tried harder to resist. I should have been stronger for you. Put me in a kitchen with butter, sugar, flour, good vanilla, and an excuse to go a little overboard? I just can't stop myself, I get lost in baking euphoria...it's ugly and messy and probably a sin. I'm weak. I'm sorry. It hurts me more than you.
I'm going to give our relationship a few more days because I feel I owe you that, but I'm not hopeful. I just don't think you can change.
I'm sorry it has to end this way (with the garbage disposal) but it really is what's best for both of us. You'll want to go out at your peak, not with soggy crust and weepy cream. And me? I have other endeavors that need my attention. I can't devote my time to defeating Super Mario brothers if I have to leap out of my seat every time I see someone stir, so that I can shove a dessert plate into their hands. I also can't leap with out a jiggle, and that's disturbing. I just don't own enough spanx.
We can revisit our relationship next year. They say time heals all. Maybe that's what we need. A break. A distance. A restraining order...
I need you to know that I really do think your amazing. Everyone who meets you does. My husband and neighbor said you were the best they had ever had. You were the best I ever had...
Sadly as it often goes, it's your greatness that will be your downfall. The world just isn't big enough to hold all your awesome (but my behind might be). It's not you, it's me. I'll miss you...and so will my sweat pants.
Love always,
The jiggling pie pimp

 

[Katy Belle]

Dear SIL,

You always add so much to the pot luck dinners. The time that really rocked was when you and you 3 kids each ate heaping plates of food that the rest of us made, and filled a 9x13 pan with food to take home to your DH. Of course that's ok because you contributed to the dinner. Everyone LOVED the bag of marshmallows you tossed onto the dessert table.

Hugs,
Katy

 

[DisneyBeagle]

The jiggling pie pimp

I think that's tag worthy!

 

[redlight]

Dear Cheesecake, Pumpkin pie #1, Pumpkin pie #2 (the one with cream cheese and struesal), Apple Pie, and Banana Cream Pie,
I love you. I always have. I loved you the first time I chilled your buttery crust in the freezer, gently folded egg whites into your creamy goodness, added just the right amount of ginger to your pumpkin puree, and lovingly glazed your lattice top with reserved caramel sauce.
I loved how the 5 of you looked so carefully displayed alongside the hot apple cider. Each on your own special platter or stand. Ribbons, mini pumpkins, and a generous bowl of freshly whipped cream made you look so festive. So perfect. So proud. I'm not afraid to admit there was a mist in my eye at the sight of you. A mist of pride and love. It was real, and it was deep. Nothing can ever take that from us. Remember that.
The smiling faces of my guests? Of my husband? Thank you! I truly appreciate it. Only you could have made grown men smile that way. Well you, and beer, and...never mind...
Anyways, it saddens me to admit this, but as promising as our relationship started out, as lovely and perfect and solid as it seemed.. we have hit a rough patch. A bump in the road. A hurdle.
You? You are sitting in my refrigerator. Most of you (except cheesecake...good job cheesecake!) only half eaten, or less. You have turned me into a dessert Nazi. Reduced me to a pie pusher. My family and friends avert their eyes and hasten their step when they see me coming, afraid I'll follow them with a forkful of pumpkin and a dollop of whipped cream. You are too good to waste, and too good to refuse. They can't resist you, so they fear you...and now they fear me. The pie pimp.
You do things to me. Things I can't allow myself to put up with. Things I'm ashamed of.
They say you are treated the way you allow yourself to be treated, and I just can't allow you to treat me any longer. I came to this sad realization. This jarring revelation, today, while in our nations capital. As I was sprinting up the steps of the Lincoln memorial to escape a sudden down pour of hail, I felt something weighing heavily on my mind...no wait, not my mind...my hips. I can't be sure but... I'm pretty sure there was a jiggle. Perhaps even more than one jiggle. Jiggle's...and *sob* and there may have even been a wiggle. How could you??? How could you treat me this way after all the love and devotion I've given. I chased a three year old with banana cream for you!!!! I had apple pie and cheesecake for breakfast!
This just hurts too much.
As I looked into the reflecting pool (not reflecting much as it was drained) I did some reflecting of my own. Our relationship just isn't working for me anymore. You are toxic. You are a poison I can't quit, and there aren't enough treadmills in the world to act as antidote. As much as it saddens me to admit this, I just don't think we can work it out. The light at the end of our love tunnel has gone out. It's dark in here. Dark and lonely...and jiggly.
I will admit that I have some partial blame in the deterioration of our relationship. It really never is one sided is it? I should have known that 5 desserts for 5 adults and 3 small children would be too much. I'd have leftovers *gulp* that wouldn't get eaten. I should have tried harder to resist. I should have been stronger for you. Put me in a kitchen with butter, sugar, flour, good vanilla, and an excuse to go a little overboard? I just can't stop myself, I get lost in baking euphoria...it's ugly and messy and probably a sin. I'm weak. I'm sorry. It hurts me more than you.
I'm going to give our relationship a few more days because I feel I owe you that, but I'm not hopeful. I just don't think you can change.
I'm sorry it has to end this way (with the garbage disposal) but it really is what's best for both of us. You'll want to go out at your peak, not with soggy crust and weepy cream. And me? I have other endeavors that need my attention. I can't devote my time to defeating Super Mario brothers if I have to leap out of my seat every time I see someone stir, so that I can shove a dessert plate into their hands. I also can't leap with out a jiggle, and that's disturbing. I just don't own enough spanx.
We can revisit our relationship next year. They say time heals all. Maybe that's what we need. A break. A distance. A restraining order...
I need you to know that I really do think your amazing. Everyone who meets you does. My husband and neighbor said you were the best they had ever had. You were the best I ever had...
Sadly as it often goes, it's your greatness that will be your downfall. The world just isn't big enough to hold all your awesome (but my behind might be). It's not you, it's me. I'll miss you...and so will my sweat pants.
Love always,
The jiggling pie pimp

I love it.

Sadly my behind and I have the same relationship with pie.

 

[Katy Belle]

I'm back with another letter


Dear SIL,

I sure hope you host Christmas dinner again this year. Last year everyone was so impressed that you hosted! Your mom and MIL did a fine job of cooking the ham, turkey, potatoes, rolls, 2 salads, 3 pies, candy and cookies, and bringing it to your home. I enjoyed making the 3 dishes I brought. We appreciate the effort you put in. We know that setting the table and making instant iced tea is a lot of work. Looking forward to this year.

Katy

 

[monkeybug]

I love it.

Sadly my behind and I have the same relationship with pie.

Pie has that reputation. Why do so many of us still fall for it? Maybe we need to all get together on Jerry Springer and confront Pie once and for all!

 

[monkeybug]

I'm back with another letter


Dear SIL,

I sure hope you host Christmas dinner again this year. Last year everyone was so impressed that you hosted! Your mom and MIL did a fine job of cooking the ham, turkey, potatoes, rolls, 2 salads, 3 pies, candy and cookies, and bringing it to your home. I enjoyed making the 3 dishes I brought. We appreciate the effort you put in. We know that setting the table and making instant iced tea is a lot of work. Looking forward to this year.

Katy

I really don't think it's fair that you work your poor SIL so hard. I think it's awfully selfish of you.

 

[redlight]

Pie has that reputation. Why do so many of us still fall for it? Maybe we need to all get together on Jerry Springer and confront Pie once and for all!

Yes, pie and his friend ice cream. I love them, but they are so bad for me.

 

[terri01p]

Dear Niece no one cares that you are a rebel now, big deal !

Dh why must you always pile your plate so high that you can't hardly eat without getting food all over the table, goodness grief go back for seconds for gosh sakes.

DD your mom is fat now so quit taking my picture and posting it on facebook, if you love me than just STOP already.

Sister ok your house is beautiful, I no longer give a crap.

S-I-L the cat has been out of the bag for years now, we know you don't work on Thanksgiving, quit making excuses and just say " hey don't want to come over", we were told about this 4 years ago, and just watch as you make an idiot of yourself with the work story.

 

[Silent1CB]

Dear Mom, I'm sorry it was too much for you to remember to bring the dinner rolls. The only thing I asked you to bring.

Dear SIL, I've learned that you are always going to be late. Very late. Its why I know better to only ask you to bring dessert and never ask you to bring a side dish. So showing up late again as usual, after we've eaten, and with a side dish instead of dessert just doesn't work.

And this is why I do not ask anyone for help or to bring anything any longer.

 

[princess.chell]

Dear cousin21, Thanks for once again acting like you are too cool to spend time with your younger cousins. Just because the little ones constantly hanging on me doesn't me I always want to be with a 7 and 9 year old. I tried to talk to you again, but once again you kind of brushed me. See you in two years, the next time we have a family holiday.

Dear cousin19, Thanks for finally spending time with me at a family holiday. And for actually trying to play with our younger cousins. It was much appreciated to not have her always wanting me to play with her. And hey, we actually talked this time! I appreciated it.

 

[Bluestars]

OMG Monkeybug! That was funny!!

 

[EMom]

The story is true, heaven help me. It happened about 10 years ago and gave rise to a selection of unflattering statements about and nicknames for my in-laws. DH was every bit as put out as I was. After that year, my level of effort went WAY down.

As always, we hosted, since MIL abdicated her role as family matriarch the second her DH died back when we were still in our 20s. As the only other female, I became the matriarch by default, which meant I "got to" host family holidays. I planned a feast with a military Martha Stewart-like level of precision and perfection. Every dish was timed to be ready simultaneously, the china and crystal were sparkling, and the house was pristine. DH's family had asked what they could bring. Knowing they always turn that offer into a PITA, I told them I really had it all under control, but they insisted. Here's what happened..........

MIL walked in with a couple of cans of shoepeg corn, put them on the counter and said, "I said I'd bring corn. Can you cook these?" Uh......Geez, when someone "brings a dish," that usually means the dish is ready to eat and not that the ingredients are brought for the hostess to prepare. I was using every single burner I had, so doing anything extra meant throwing my perfect schedule off track. Next, she pulled out a jar of applesauce and bag of red hots and said she thought we'd have candied applesauce. I saw that the applesauce was sugar-free and told her it would taste nasty, hoping that would kill the idea. Nope. She went in my cupboard and found MY applesauce with sugar and plopped it down. I think she started the mixture in the pan, but abandoned it for DH to finish making. She'd also brought roles, but I already had some and I flat out refused to prepare hers.

Then she brought out a store bought angel food cake, saying it's for a family member's birthday, which was about a week away. As if we didn't have about 3 other desserts. She said, "Well, angel food cake is low fat." Then she proceded to pull out powdered sugar, butter and cocoa from a bag and announced that she was making chocolate icing for the cake. I checked out the butter and it was rancid, so I threw it away and gave her some of ours. She got my mixer, started making the icing and that chocolate mess started FLYING all over my WHITE kitchen. Did she clean it up? Of course she didn't. She piled icing about 1 inch thick on the cake (low fat no longer ) and chunked the bowl and beaters in the sink, without even running water on them. She walked off and sat on the couch to veg, ignoring the bits of icing all over the counter, cabinets and backsplash. By that time, DH could tell he was about to become an orphan.

I somehow got it all on the table, but I was frazzled. I'd made a homemade cranberry sauce that was to die for. They looked at it without even tasting it and asked, "Do you have any in the can?" ACK! We made it through the meal, and DH and I went in the kitchen to wash the dishes. Of course, they went to watch TV. The phone rang and it was a childhood friend calling to let me know that another childhood friend had died (expected) from brain cancer. I looked at DH and told him that was the straw that broke the camel's back and that I was headed to bed. He'd have to finish those dishes and entertain his family. And to bed I went.

After they left, I told DH that if INGREDIENTS ever showed up again, they were staying ingredients. He had to tell his family to bring it prepared or don't bring it at all. I think that's reasonable. I can laugh about it now, but I was about to blow a gasket that day.